The Collaborator
by Kharina1990
Summary: Grief is never easy. But what happens when the person you're grieving for is an alien invader and the anniversary of their death is a cause for celebration for everyone else on the planet? This story explores the life of a voluntary host five years after the war, whose Yeerk was one of the seventeen thousand aboard the Pool ship. Rated T for language and mentions of addiction.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** While any book series by me would likely end up involving ghost writers, as I am terrible at actually finishing projects, I don't own Animorphs.

 **Author's Note:** This is just a bit of an exploration of a random idea I had about how voluntary hosts might adjust (or fail to adjust!) after the war. I'm really just putting this first chapter out there (although I do have a couple more written) to see what people think and whether it's worth continuing, so please do review and let me know if you think it would be worth carrying on with.

* * *

"This your first tattoo, then?"

Carla nodded nervously, glancing around the interior of the tattoo parlour. She'd been in one once before, with her uncle, but she'd been a very small child at the time. It was nicer than she'd expected: pictures of the previous work of the artist decorated the walls, and everything looked clean. That was reassuring.

"So, just an S? What kind of design?"

Carla shrugged. "Don't really care, 'long as it's small." She could not afford much, and besides, anything bigger than half an inch or so would struggle to fit.

"Well, I'm happy to work with you on that. I've got loads of different styles of text you can use, and we can always add some little details around it-"

"I just want the letter, thanks," Carla said quickly. "Plain black is fine."

The guy opposite her seemed to deflate a little at that. His taste wasn't only displayed on the walls: she could see tattoos running up his arms as well. They were nice though, unique. Not like her uncle, she remembered, who'd mainly gone for as big as possible in order to look tough. Carla guessed he'd been hoping for something a little more artistic than a single black letter, but that would be all he was going to put on her.

"Well, you can have a think about it if you want, for a few days. Then you can come back and discuss it, and then once I've made the transfer we'll be good to go."

Carla nodded. "I just want a small, plain black 'S'. That's all. Should be nice and quick, right?"

He nodded. "Sure. You haven't told me where on your body you were thinking."

Carla tensed. This was the part she had been dreading.

"If you're hesitating because it's somewhere embarrassing, don't. I've done enough tattoos by now to have done a few in fairly private places. We've got a separate room, if you felt more comfortable getting it done in there. I'm afraid we only have guys here, though, so if that's a problem you might have to go elsewhere. But I can recommend you a good female artist."

Carla shook her head. "I don't need any of that. I want it on my ear. My right ear, that is."

The tattoo artist frowned at her, bewildered. Carla tried not to look like she was holding her breath. Would he work it out? When he spoke, though, his voice was professional. "OK. Well, I can see why it'll be relatively small, then. Whereabouts exactly on your ear?"

It was easier to gesture this than explain it, so Carla pushed back her hair and pulled down the top tip of her ear, folding down the flexible cartilage to expose the skin behind. "There," she said, pointing.

"There? You sure?" He was frowning at her, clearly bewildered.

Carla nodded. "Yes."

"Erm, but…" he hesitated. The professionalism he'd been showing so far was ebbing, a sure sign that she'd managed to surprise him. "No-one will see it."

"You must have done other tattoos that people usually don't see. Besides, I don't want anyone to see it."

"You could put it somewhere where it'd be covered by your clothes."

Carla shook her head. "No-one can know it's there." She watched the man's eyes carefully, searching them for any hint of suspicion. It seemed that the location of her tattoo was odd to him, but he didn't seem to suspect who it was commemorating. Good.

The artist shrugged. "OK. Well, if that's what you want."

With no further ado, the artist moved on to arrange a suitable date, and Carla felt some of the tension leave her shoulders. This was risky, she knew, but she had to do it. Or at least, she had to do something to commemorate her… Carla still didn't know what the right word was. Friend? Surrogate parent? Sister? Soulmate- platonic, of course? None of them adequately described the relationship she had had with Silrin. No human relationship had the level of intimacy that existed between a Yeerk and a host, voluntary or otherwise. Losing her… it was like losing a part of herself.

Carla shook her head slightly to clear it, returning her focus to what the man opposite her was saying. "Sure, that works fine," she said, and stood up quickly, eager to be alone… well, eager to be away from other humans for a while, anyway. She still couldn't get used to being alone. "I'll see you then."

* * *

I have literally never had a tattoo done (not very tolerant of pain and not very decisive, neither of which are good qualifications for having one!). I tried to do a bit of internet research for this chapter but if anyone has any personal experience and spots any mistakes or anything that doesn't seem quite right, please do let me know.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thanks to those who have reviewed so far. Particular thanks to Lana del Fae: as yours was a guest review I couldn't reply via private message, so hopefully you'll see it here!

There's quite a bit of bad language in this chapter, just as a warning!

* * *

"Sausage and egg McMuffin and black coffee." The man was dressed in a business suit and looked at Carla like she was a ship's computer, not a human being. Not that Carla cared, particularly.

"Coming right up," she said, smiling at the man anyway as she told him the price. Never hurt to be polite to people, however rude they were. Sometimes they started being polite back, but most of the time not. She passed his order onto Sandra in the back, who got on with making it, and turned to the next person in line, her eyes skimming over the clock on the back wall. Eight am. They'd opened at five, which meant she'd left the house at four to get here by four thirty. And she'd still only done three hours of her shift: she didn't finish till 1pm, theoretically. It'd probably be two by the time she actually got to leave, and Carla was interminably bored. It'd have been better with Silrin to talk to, but Carla quickly forced that thought down. On this little sleep, she'd start feeling teary if she thought about that. Not that she'd show it, of course.

She gave a broad grin to the next customer in line, a young woman with shadows under her eyes. Looked like Carla wasn't the only one running on no sleep. "Hi there, what can I get for you?"

Unlike the man before her, this girl looked at Carla, but she definitely wasn't going to be polite. Anger was burning in her eyes. "I want to see your manager," she said coldly.

Carla wondered what on Earth she could possibly have done, given that she'd only said one sentence to the girl, but kept the smile on her face anyway. "Sure, no problem." Carla looked apologetically at the rest of the queue before walking through the kitchen and into the very back, searching, as the woman had requested, for the manager that day.

"Hey, Mark," she said once she found him. "Sorry, there's a customer asking to see you."

Mark gave a heavy sigh. "Fuck it, Carla, you think I have all the time in the world to clean up after you when you screw up?"

Mark was generally grumpy, but particularly so when the hour was in single figures. "Sorry," Carla repeated, and turned round to go back out to the front, confident he would follow her.

"You're not even gonna tell me what it's about?"

Carla shrugged. "Dunno. I only said about four words to her." It might not be about her at all, anyway, Carla thought. Could be something that happened another day.

The woman's expression when they reappeared, however, put paid to those thoughts.

"Are you aware," the woman asked Mark, without any preamble and far louder than necessary, so that the people around them started to stare, "that you're employing a filthy collaborator?"

Carla felt the blood drain from her face. Shit. _Shit._ She hadn't recognised the woman, but that didn't mean anything. She'd always looked away from the cages when she passed them, to reduce the guilt she felt, and Silrin had honoured her wishes and never looked at them either once she was back in control… God, she'd been stupid not to realise this had to happen someday.

"What? I don't get you," Mark said.

"I used to be a Yeerk's slave," the woman spat. "And I recognise her, because I watched her walk past my cage and let one of the filthy slugs slither into her head, _willingly_. She's a traitor, she's a _voluntary._ " The woman gave the word voluntary the same inflection most people would reserve to say 'Nazi'.

Mark looked shocked. "You must have made a-"

"Don't you dare tell me I've made a mistake," she snarled. "I saw her regularly. I know her face."

Mark turned to Carla. "Is this true?"

Carla shrugged. "I don't know if she saw me," she said, playing for time.

At the look on his face, however, she quickly added: "Yes. Yes, it's true I was a willing host." Carla couldn't stand there and deny directly that she'd wanted Silrin there. No matter what the consequences, she wasn't willing to do that.

There was an outbreak of muttering down the line, and Carla could feel hostile stares piercing her. She forced herself not to look down at the floor she knew so well from sweeping up other people's mess at the end of her shifts, and to meet Mark's dark brown eyes.

Mark's face was twisted up in anger. "My sister was a Controller," he spat. "She's screwed up, she still can't sleep properly, nightmares every night."

"Believe me, I have plenty of nightmares," Carla said quietly.

Mark turned away from her. "Get out. You can keep your fucking uniform, I never want to see you again."

"Are you firing me?"

"Of course I'm firing you, you fucking bitch!"

Carla reached up to wipe his spit from her face, her hand shaking slightly. But her voice, when she used it again, was steady. "On what grounds? I don't think you can legally-"

"Well, sue me, if you can find any money."

"But-"

"I earn decent money," the woman interrupted. "If she tries anything, I'll pay for a good lawyer. Not that I think any judge in their right mind would sympathise with someone like _her._ And you," the woman snarled at her, "use some of that toadying subservience you showed the filthy slugs and do what he says."

Carla felt her heart racing, realising she probably didn't have a chance at reversing this dismissal. She could go over Mark's head, of course, but she didn't think she'd find any more sympathy there, and this woman was probably right about the judges, unless she was lucky and landed one who had been a voluntary themselves. She knew such people existed, she'd even met them, but Mark was right, she had no money to pay a lawyer. And she wasn't sure if they covered voluntary hosts under equal opportunities legislation. Probably not, come to think of it.

"Fine," Carla said shortly. "I'm going to pick up my stuff."

Sandra gave her a vague, uncertain smile as she went back through the kitchen, but avoided her eyes. Carla guessed she'd heard the whole thing, and appreciated the gesture, as it was the only semi-friendly face she'd seen, but knew it was just that, a gesture. Sandra was far too shy and anxious to come to Carla's defence, even if she wanted to.

Carla slipped out of the back door and pulled up the hood of her sweater as she crossed the parking lot, trying to push away her anxieties about what she would do for money, glancing around to check no-one was following her. She'd been attacked by former involuntaries before and it was not a nice experience. _Well, I was wrong when I thought today was gonna be boring,_ she thought to herself, and bit her lip as the seconds that would once have contained Silrin's answering laugh ticked by in silence.


	3. Chapter 3

"The big news today, of course, is the five-year anniversary of victory," bubbled the enthusiastic breakfast show host. "Stay tuned, later today we'll be bringing you live coverage of the victory events, where Marco Garcia, Cassie Williams and, it's rumoured, even Jake Berenson will be appearing to commemorate their incredible-"

"Oh, fuck OFF!" Carla snarled as she hit the off button, far harder than necessary. She'd turned the TV on through force of habit, not thinking about what she was likely to see and hear today.

Five years. Five Earth years, three point seven Yeerk years… however you thought of it, the passage of time hadn't seemed to lessen Carla's grief. She wanted nothing more than to stay in the apartment, dingy and cramped though it was, for the entire day and pretend the outside world didn't exist, but if she didn't get a new job soon she'd have no apartment to hide in. She'd already emptied every last scrap of food from the cupboards in an effort to save as much money for rent as she could. Lunch yesterday had been canned soup and stale crackers. Dinner had been nothing.

Carla'd tried everywhere she could think of to look for work, but the woman who'd confronted her in McDonald's had seemingly found out her name and taken the trouble to warn as many fast-food restaurants as she could about her. Not that it mattered, really, as without a reference it was near impossible to find work, and Mark had of course refused to give her one.

Carla'd saved a few dollars for the bus fare to the next town, in hope that she'd have better luck there, so she dressed with particular care, before drinking three glasses of water in defence against the gnawing sensation of hunger in the pit of her stomach. It was a sensation she'd felt often in the days before she'd joined the Sharing, but the cider and whisky she'd been drinking so frequently that she may as well have had them on an intravenous drip had numbed it somewhat. She hadn't touched the stuff in seven years. Despite her grief, her loneliness, the pointlessness that her existence now seemed to tend towards, Carla'd never been able to get the first calming drop past her lips. She'd stood in stores staring at the lines of bottles, occasionally picking one up, but she always went and put it back before the checkout. Something in her couldn't stand the thought of how disappointed, how _hurt_ , Silrin would be to see her fall back into her old ways. The fact that her Yeerk had been dead for five years to the day just didn't seem to register with that part of her mind. Which was probably a good thing, she supposed.

The bus was crowded, rattly and hot. Despite the discomfort, there was an aura of joy hanging over just about everyone else there. All Carla seemed to be able to hear were conversations about the victory anniversary celebrations or about how great the Animorphs were. At one point she had to restrain herself from punching a man who she overheard gushing about how wonderful Jake Berenson was. In her eyes, he was nothing more than a mass murderer.

Eventually, the bus drew up at her stop and she stepped down onto the tarmac, already radiating waves of heat despite the early morning hour. Carla began automatically to scan for any businesses that might conceivably take her resume.

It was a long, hot search, trudging wearily from place to place. Most of the time, she was told there was no work. Occasionally someone would show some interest, only to withdraw that interest when they saw she had no references from her last job. Four bloody years at that place and nothing to show for it.

Carla had just about given up when she spotted a small coffee shop, its windows temptingly dressed with cupcakes, cakes and pastries of every shape and hue.

'No harm in trying,' Carla thought, though that was not strictly true. She lived in constant fear of being recognised as a voluntary. She didn't know how the newly _nothlit_ Yeerks were surviving, people must hate them even more than they hated her… though perhaps not. Humans were far from logical creatures.

A small bell tinkled as she entered the shop, and a few customers glanced up at her before returning to their conversations. She walked up to the counter and waited for the woman there to finish making a latte and pass it to a young mother, whose buggy was parked at a table a short distance away.

The woman behind the counter had long, dark hair and olive skin that made her look Hispanic, but her eyes were a deep blue, and wore a surprised, almost startled expression in those first few instants. However, the woman quickly composed her face and smiled warmly at Carla.

"How can I help, honey?" she asked.

"I'm looking for a job," Carla said, trying to sound more positive than she felt. She was a little nervous about the woman's expression on first seeing her, and briefly wondered if she might be a former involuntary, but she did not seem angry now and Carla was pretty sure that if she was angry enough to attack her she'd be able to see some sign of it in the woman's face. Instead she seemed friendly, almost overly so, as though they already knew each other.

"OK," the woman said, smiling gently at her again. "I'm actually the manager here, so that was perfect timing. Just hold on a minute while I get someone to take over."

She called through into the back, and a tall, bearded man emerged, who she asked to watch the counter for a while. Then she beckoned to Carla, who followed her through the small kitchen into a crowded office at the back, containing only one chair.

"Please, sit down." She gestured at the chair, then closed the door and settled herself cross-legged on the floor.

Carla reached into her bag. "Here's my resume," she said. "I've got quite a few years' experience working in food service-" she broke off when she saw the other woman raise a hand.

"Please, hold on a moment. My name is Alniss seven-five-four of the Gurat Hesh pool. And, if I'm not very much mistaken, you're Carla… Silrin six-nine-three's Carla?"

Carla stared in shocked silence for a few moments.

"I was the Hork-Bajir that used to talk to you… well, to Silrin… in the feeding line. Silrin and I synchronised our schedules to try and stay in touch after she was promoted. I don't know if you remember…"

Carla's shock subsided a little, and she began to feel a slight bubbling of relief and joy. She hadn't spoken to a Yeerk in five years. They'd only been given permission to make themselves _nothlits_ fourteen months ago, and she hadn't tried to contact any, not knowing who or where they were. "No, I remember you, I- it's just that you surprised me."

Alniss nodded. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you alright? Is there anything you need… well, apart from the job, of course, that's a given."

Carla frowned. She knew what Yeerks were like. "Do you actually need someone? Can you afford to employ me?"

"I'll manage somehow. I set this café up, I own it." Alniss gestured dismissively with her hand, ad though the cost of taking on an unnecessary staff member for an indeterminate length of time was as insignificant as ordering a few too many pints of milk.

"You must have taken out a loan," Carla argued. "You have repayments to keep up, you can't just magic up a job out of nowhere." Carla's stomach chose that moment to let out a loud growl. Brilliant.

Carla felt a sinking sensation as she saw Alniss' eyebrows raise. Alniss was bound to figure out now how desperate her situation was, and Carla could tell Alniss would never let her leave here without doing something if she knew. Carla didn't want to ruin the Yeerk's business, she must have had a real struggle to get here in the fourteen months she'd had in her new body.

"We've got sandwiches, bagels, soup or baked potatoes, which do you want?"

"I can't pay you," Carla began to protest.

Alniss shifted her position so she was kneeling up, and took one of Carla's hands, running her thumb along the back of her wrist. Her clear blue eyes bored into Carla's brown.

"You gave my sister your senses and your body willingly for two years, and you think _you_ owe _me_ something? Please, I can't let you leave here without at least giving you a decent meal."

Carla nodded, her throat tight. "OK. Soup, then, please."

"Did you go for that because you think it's going to be the cheapest item on the menu?"

Carla gave a rueful smile. "Caught me. A bagel, then, if you're sure-"

Alniss sprung to her feet. "Come on in to the kitchen, you can choose what you want."

Carla followed Alniss through to the kitchen. The Yeerk donned a protective apron and hat and began piling a bagel with such massive portions of cold ham and cheese that Carla felt she'd never manage to fit it into her mouth. Three types of salad were added to the side of the plate before Alniss passed it to her.

"Bring it out to the front, it's much nicer in there," Alniss commanded. "I make fresh orange juice every day if you want some."

Carla'd run out of juice three weeks ago. "That sounds amazing. Thanks."

They emerged from the kitchen behind the counter, and Carla's eyes strayed inadvertently to the cakes standing temptingly in the display cabinet. She could have kicked herself as Alniss followed the direction of her gaze and immediately picked up a plate. "Which? We've got chocolate, carrot, red velvet, caramel or lemon."

"Personally I'd recommend the red velvet," the man from earlier said with a smile.

"That's Tafnik," Alniss muttered into Carla's ear as she cut her what seemed like a quarter of the red velvet cake. "I'll introduce you properly later. Out here I'm Alicia, and he's Nick."

Carla nodded understandingly as she took her plate. "Thank you… thanks, thanks so much, I-"

"You're welcome, now go and eat," Alniss said with a wave of her hand in the direction of one of the tables.

The food was delicious, even allowing for the extra enthusiasm that not eating in over twenty-four hours brought to the meal. Carla ate quickly, soon scraping the plate where the bagel had sat clean and draining the juice before turning to the cake.

"Coffee?" Alniss called from the counter.

Carla nodded. "Thanks."

The red velvet cake more than lived up to Tafnik's recommendation, and despite its size Carla soon found herself scraping up the last few crumbs. Alniss smiled at her as she took the empty plates and placed a pot of coffee on the table.

"Better?"

"Much. Thank you." Carla poured some coffee from the pot into the cup.

"When did you last eat?" Alniss asked concernedly, sliding into the seat opposite her.

Carla glanced around the café, and saw only a couple of customers remained. No wonder: her eyes took in the clock on the wall. Four-thirty.

Alniss followed the direction of her gaze. "We'll close when they leave," she said. "You must have had a long day."

"I dropped my resume off in twenty places. Well, tried to, anyway, most of them gave it straight back."

Alniss frowned. "Why? Surely some of them must have had work, or would at least keep it on file in case…"

"Did you look at it?" Carla asked, smiling slightly in satirical amusement. It had got to the point where it was either laugh or cry, and with a good meal inside her and someone finally, properly listening to her for the first time in years, she was more inclined to laugh.

"I don't need to look at it. I've told you I'll take you."

"You don't have any work to offer me, Alicia. You'll end up destroying your business if-"

Alniss held up a hand, and Carla closed her mouth deferentially.

"Let me make this quite clear. You are not leaving here until I know you're going to be safe and secure, at least financially. Let me worry about the business."

"It's an hour away from where I live," Carla protested, beginning to scrape the barrel for excuses.

"That didn't stop you looking for work here."

"Yeah, well, I literally have about five dollars left and my rent's due next week. At this point I'd go to bloody Mexico if I had to."

Alniss' forehead crinkled and her eyebrows and lips drew down at the corners. "Oh, Carla," she murmured.

Carla felt Alniss take hold of the hand that was resting on the tabletop, and had to fight down the wave of emotion she suddenly felt.

"That still doesn't mean you can help me. You can't just pay another salary from nowhere."

Alniss squeezed her hand. "Come home with us tonight. I'll talk to the others and we… we'll sort something out. We can at least provide you with somewhere to sleep until you can find work."

"Aln- Alicia, no." Carla realised how defiant and ungrateful that sounded, and hastened to modify it. "I- I mean-"

She felt Alniss run her thumb up and down her palm in silent reassurance. "Please. Please let me help you. I don't think you know how much you did for my sister."

"But-"

"I've already given up on just straight-up giving you a job," Alniss countered. "Unless you change your mind, of course. You could at least meet me halfway. Let me make sure you've somewhere to live."

"I shouldn't have told you I only had five dollars," Carla muttered to herself.

Alniss smiled. "Is that a yes?"

"For now," Carla sighed, giving up. Yeerks could be so bloody stubborn… but she couldn't pretend she wasn't happy about it.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far!

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, Alniss shut the door behind the last customer to leave and turned the sign so the 'Closed' faced outward. Carla, who had been watching her, collected her coffee cup and got to her feet.

"D'you want a hand clearing up?"

Alniss turned towards her, a little surprised. "You really don't need to, you know."

"Can I, though?"

At Alniss' nod, Carla balanced the milk jug in the cup and picked the coffee jug up in the same hand, before moving to other tables and beginning to stack plates together. A few moments later, she moved towards the kitchen with all the dishes balanced in her hand, deftly opening the swinging door with one hip.

"I definitely don't need to look at that resume now," Alniss said with a smile, heading to the counter to pick up a cloth and some spray. Tafnik, who was sorting out the coffee machine, glanced over.

"Is she going to be working here?"

Alniss shook her head. "No."

"Is she one of us?"

"No… well, sort of. She was my _schrellie's_ host. Voluntary."

Tafnik made a noise of instant understanding. "Ah, I understand now. I assume you offered her work and she refused?"

Alniss nodded. "She realised I probably couldn't afford the salary. She's not wrong, but I'd do it somehow. She'll be coming home with us tonight, if that's alright with you? I thought between us all we could at least give her somewhere to stay."

Tafnik nodded enthusiastically. "Of course we can."

Alniss heard the slight creak as the door swung open again, and turned to Carla with a smile. "Thanks."

"I rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher," Carla said. "It looked pretty clean in there otherwise: anything else I can do?"

Tafnik shook his head. "I think we're about done."

"Carla, this is Tafnik eight-eight-three of the Hett Simplatt pool. Tafnik, Carla Roberts, my sister Silrin's host _._ Sadly…" Alniss paused for a second, trying to keep her composure. "… Silrin was one of those lost from the Pool ship."

"They can't stop talking about that murdering bastard today," Carla spat harshly, taking Alniss by surprise.

"Jake Berenson?" Tafnik guessed.

Carla's face seemed trapped between two primal expressions: intense anger and deep, biting sadness. While her teeth were gritted, her eyes narrowed and the top of her nose wrinkled in anger, Alniss could see that her eyes were damp.

"Oh, honey," she whispered, reaching to wrap her arms around Carla's shoulders. She felt the host tense momentarily under her hands, but then suddenly she was hugging her back, holding on with an intenseness that surprised Alniss. Her sobs suddenly began to come thick and fast, her head buried into Alniss' shoulder. It was like she hadn't had a shoulder to cry on in years… which Alniss realised was probably true, at least about this. How many humans would understand this grief? Would she dare even reveal that part of her history to any of them?

Alniss reached up a hand to stroke the bushy, dark hair on the girl's head, trying to hold back her own tears. She missed her sister, but knew without a shadow of a doubt that Silrin would have wanted only the best for this human, and that included holding it together to give her the space to express her grief.

A few minutes later, Carla pulled back and wiped her eyes. She looked down at the ground. "Sorry."

Alniss shook her head. "There's no need to say that." She hesitated before speaking again, unsure if her thoughts would be welcomed. "It seems like that's been building up for a while. Have you… have you had anyone to talk to?"

Carla snorted. "Oh yeah, that'd go down well. 'I hate your hero because he murdered my friend… yes she was a Yeerk… well, yes I suppose I am a traitor to my species but given how useless my species is that's not very surprising, is it… what do you mean get out of your sight?"

Alniss glanced at Tafnik, uncertain how to respond to Carla's bitter tone. Alniss knew that independent counsellors existed, that there were anonymous helplines and probably a fair few ordinary humans who would be willing to try to listen. Humans were widely differentiated and responded in a myriad of different ways to a given situation. That was often true even within the same human, she'd heard. And of course, there were plenty of other ex-voluntaries around. She doubted it was the right moment to point any of this out to Carla, though, who still wore an expression that was half furious, half teary.

"Maybe it's time we headed home," Tafnik said softly.

"How far is it?"

"Ten minutes' walk from here, then a half-hour bus ride," Alniss answered, feeling she was on firmer territory.

"Brilliant."

Carla still sounded bitter and sarcastic, making Alniss look at her in puzzlement. "What's wrong with that?"

Carla curled her lip. "There'll be humans. You haven't experienced victory day celebrations yet, have you?"

"No," Alniss admitted. She'd morphed permanently thirteen months ago, but on last year's anniversary it had been recommended that they stay inside, and as it had been a Sunday Alniss had had no reason to go against that advice.

"You do realise you _are_ a human?" Tafnik pointed out amusedly.

Carla gave him a glare, but there was a slight smile tugging at the edge of her lips. Phew. Alniss hadn't been quite sure how that comment would be received.

"Only because I can't help it."

Tafnik laughed. "What would you rather be, if you could pick? Please don't say Andalite, I don't think I can let you in the house if that's the case."

Carla shrugged. "Dunno. Yeerk, maybe."

"It's really not much fun, you know." Alniss lifted her bag from beneath the counter and slung it over her shoulder, before turning to switch the coffee machine off at the wall and sweeping her eyes across the café to check for any jobs that had been missed. "I'd go for Hork-Bajir. Well, at least until we turned up, and the Andalites released that quantum virus."

"I've always wondered what it would be like to be Skrit Na," Tafnik said with a grin. "Purely to find out what goes on in their heads. The things they do are just bizarre."

"Aren't they the flying-saucer aliens?" Carla asked as they approached the door.

Alniss nodded. "I believe so. They're certainly the most likely to have had contact with humans, they like to kidnap other races for no real reason that I can make out." She waited for the other two to step out before reaching to lock the pale green door behind her.

Carla was right, the street was crowded with humans in an exuberant mood. Alniss suspected there was some event on somewhere, as many of the humans seemed to be heading in the same direction. There were a lot of children with their faces painted as tigers, bears, wolves, gorillas and Andalites, and many of the adults were wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the Animorphs' names. Alniss also saw quite a few T-shirts with the script 'Free or Dead' written across the front, which she suspected belonged to former involuntaries. The strangest thing, though, were headbands with what appeared to be two blue stalk eyes sticking out of the top.

"The Andalites were going to fry the planet from space," Tafnik whispered. "Why in the Kandrona's name…"

"Say 'why on Earth', you idiot!" Carla hissed back. "Do you want to get beaten up?"

Tafnik raised his eyebrows, but didn't speak again. Alniss felt tenser than she'd ever been moving around on Earth, as they wove through the crowds. Part of this was the victory celebrations, but it was also the knowledge that they had Carla with them. While Alniss' morph was indistinguishable from any other human, Carla could easily be recognised by a former host with a grudge. In this kind of atmosphere… Alniss shuddered to think of it.

It seemed to take an hour to reach the bus stop, despite it only being a few minutes' walk away. The shelter was, thankfully, almost empty, though the three of them could see a never-ending stream of humans walking past. It seemed that most people were heading into town rather than out of it today, though, and for that Alniss was grateful.

When the bus finally arrived, it was also quieter than usual, though it bore the signs of having been busy earlier on its route, as scattered food wrappers and a few paper flags, including the new Earth flag, littered the floor. The flag featured the planet itself against a backdrop of stars, surrounded by a circle of people of all colours holding hands. Alniss hoped there'd been some sort of elementary school competition to design it, because frankly it seemed like something a child would produce. Of course, the humans had to have a flag even though no other species did. Alniss vaguely wondered what a Yeerk flag might look like. Most likely a picture of Kandrona, she reflected. That would hardly be any more original than the humans', though at least a little more honest. Yeerks truly did hold their sun in reverence and relied on it to live, while Alniss had never seen such an even mix of human ethnicities outside a Sharing meeting.

The thought of the Sharing made Alniss glance across at Carla, who was sitting huddled against the window next to her, the hood of her sweater pulled up and her eyes staring at the floor as though the Hershey's wrapper lying there was the most interesting thing she'd ever seen.

"You OK, honey?"

Carla nodded without looking up. She seemed to keep a low profile almost instinctively, and Alniss felt a twist of tenderness and guilt in her gut. Maybe she should have looked for her when she'd been given her nothlit form, checked she was OK. That would have been the first thing Silrin did, if she'd been able. Alniss swallowed hard: it wouldn't do to seem unhappy today, it would get them the wrong kind of attention.

The three of them were silent for the rest of the journey, until Tafnik warned Carla that they were nearly at the stop.

"It's only five minutes from here," Alniss said as she stepped off the bus. Next to the bus stop there was a small patch of grass that seemed to generate its own litter: no matter how often Alniss picked it up, more always appeared the next day. She grabbed a few chip wrappers to put in the bin, located only fifty yards down the street, but there was also a broken beer bottle, which she was forced to leave for fear of cutting herself on the glass. Why humans did things like this, when they were granted such beauty, was something she would never understand.

"You oughta be careful, doing that," Carla said tentatively. "There could be anything down there. Dog shit, dirty needles."

"That's kind of you," said Alniss, slightly touched. "But I'm sure I'll be fine. We're this way."

Alniss and Tafnik led Carla through a narrow alleyway, covered in graffiti and scattered with yet more litter, and turned right down the next street towards a shabby block of flats. The lift inside was permanently broken, but Alniss would have taken the stairs anyway: exercise was important.

"This is nearly as nice as my apartment," Carla muttered sarcastically, then seemed to realise she'd spoken aloud. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

Alniss smiled in a manner she hoped was reassuring. "Don't worry, we know it's not the most pleasant of environments, but it's better than nothing. It's only until you find new work."

"They should have given you guys somewhere better to live."

"While there are still humans living in places like this, and worse?" Tafnik shook her head. "Hardly seems fair somehow. We're very lucky to have been given bodies, it's far more than I would ever dare to have hoped for."

Alniss nodded in agreement as she reached the door. "Welcome, anyway," she said to Carla before reaching to unlock it.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. I hope you enjoy this chapter and some of the new characters.

* * *

The Yeerks' apartment was a sharp contrast to the dilapidated, depressing atmosphere of the stairwell. The tiny hallway was lined with mirrors, posters and pictures, covering most of the surface in a way that would probably make an interior designer cringe. Carla smiled slightly to herself. Even if she'd not known who this place belonged to, she could probably have guessed. She knew how Silrin would have reacted if given a space of her own to decorate how she saw fit. There was still a disco ball hanging from the centre of Carla's ceiling that spun light from the windows onto the walls in patterns her Yeerk had found endlessly fascinating. As Carla lived alone and had no real friends outside the Sharing, Silrin had never had to worry too much about maintaining her cover at home.

Carla was jerked out of her thoughts by Alniss' voice inviting her through to the living room. Crammed into the room were two big sofas, which were covered in colourful blankets, rugs and cushions. Posters lined the walls here too, mostly of beautiful natural scenery with the occasional artwork. The room also contained an open-plan kitchen area at one end, where a young woman with blonde hair and olive skin was busy rolling out tortillas.

" _Ilsh'na._ " The woman looked up with a smile as they entered, her eyes landing on Carla before she abruptly switched to English. "Good day?"

"Eventful," Alniss responded, returning the smile. "Kalran, this is Carla Roberts, _ish' allok' a'_ Silrin, _ka schrellie_. Carla - Kalran 553 of the Sulp Niar pool. You don't mind if she stays for dinner?"

Kalran's eyes turned to look at her, but Carla felt none of the tension that close scrutiny would usually provoke, as the Yeerk was smiling openly. Carla wasn't quite sure of the meaning of everything Alniss had said: she recognised _schrellie,_ which was a verbal Yeerkish word indicating a close sibling, but she didn't know the rest of it. She assumed it probably meant 'host', or maybe voluntary host.

"Of course you can," Kalran said. "Can I offer you a drink?"

Carla nodded.

"We've got tea, coffee, orange juice, beer, cider, milk or water."

"Just water, please. Erm… alcohol's really not a good idea, I, er-"

"Would you rather I never offer you any again?"

Carla nodded. "That'd be best."

The water was ice cold and beautifully refreshing after the hot bus ride. Carla felt like she was letting out a breath she'd been holding in for months as she settled onto one of the sofas. It was squashier than you might expect a brand new one to be, but no less comfortable for that, especially given the number of blankets and cushions that had been piled onto it.

A few minutes later, an Asian man in a business suit and a tall black woman came into the room, who were introduced as Menhal 624 and Hallim 709 respectively. Both greeted Carla warmly, and seemed perfectly happy about the idea of a stranger, a human, staying to dinner. Yeerks were much more helpful than humans in that regard… and most others, Carla thought.

"So," Menhal asked, settling himself on one of the other sofas. "How've you been doing since the war? Are you alright?"

Carla winced a little, glancing at Alniss. She wasn't sure that the other Yeerks' hospitality would extend to having her stay for an indeterminate period.

"Actually, that's something we all need to talk about," Alniss said. "I think Carla could use some help."

Kalran, who was currently frying onions, chicken and peppers, looked over. "Anything."

The other Yeerks made similar noises of assent as Alniss explained the situation. In only the few minutes it took Kalran to finish the fajitas, all five Yeerks had agreed to the plan without Carla even having to say a word. It was refreshing after two months spent fighting for work, struggling to persuade people to take her on without a reference and trying to work out how much she could ration her food without hunger becoming painful. Carla was slightly proud she'd made her savings last as long as they had after she'd lost her job, but it was wonderful to surrender and let someone else solve her problems for a while. The only thing that stopped her from closing her eyes in blissful relaxation was a lingering sense of guilt about invading these Yeerks' lives.

Carla reached out to take the plate Kalran offered her. "Thanks," she said softly. "So much."

"No worries," Kalran responded, settling herself next to Carla and picking up her own plate. "What're your views on all this, anyway? You haven't said a word."

"I…" Carla hesitated. "I just want to be sure you're all OK with it. I keep feeling like it's too much to ask."

"I'm very happy to do it, if it's what you need. There's no need to feel guilty."

"Of course there isn't," Hallim interjected. "Don't forget that Yeerks and humans have very different ideas about the concepts of personal space and privacy. We're used to being surrounded by others all the time, and having no space that's solely our own. Do you think six human strangers would find it easy to live amicably in an apartment this small?"

"No," Carla admitted. "Wait, six? There're five of you."

"Jilran used to live here, as well. She moved a few months ago so she could share a place with her mates- her tripartite, that is, if you know what that is- like a human couple, but involving three people."

"Yes, I know."

"So you see, we've already got an extra space: there's a spare bed in my room," Alniss said. "So there's really no need to worry."

"But Jilran would've paid rent, and I can't."

"Funnily enough, the air molecules currently occupying that bed haven't offered to pay their share either," Tafnik said. "I've been meaning to talk to them about it, actually. The cheek!"

Carla and a few of the others laughed, which dissipated the slightly awkward mood. Carla picked up her knife and fork and began to eat. The food was so delicious that despite eating a large meal only an hour and a half ago, she managed to finish it all, and was immediately offered more.

"No, no thanks. It's delicious, but Alniss made me the biggest lunch I've ever eaten. I can't fit anything else in."

Having declined dessert, being literally unable to eat another thing, Carla sat nursing a cup of tea in her hands as the five Yeerks settled themselves on the sofas around her.

"Should we brave the news?" Hallim asked.

Carla tensed, something that was clearly not missed by Alniss, who was sitting beside her.

"It might be best to give it a miss," Alniss said quietly.

"They've been banging on about it for about a month already," Carla muttered, bitterness and hatred filling her. She felt sick with rage every time she heard Jake Berenson's name, and seeing his face almost made her want to punch through the television screen. It meant she didn't watch the news much.

Kalran, who was on the sofa opposite, shifted a little, her expression anxious.

"Maybe we should watch a movie, then," Menhal suggested. "Or play a game? Any preferences, Carla? Everything's in that cupboard over there, if you want to have a look."

"A movie sounds good. I don't mind which, 'long as it doesn't have Marco Garcia in it. It's a shame he's in so much stuff, I woulda liked to see the new King Kong."

"Apparently they're remaking 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'," Tafnik commented. "I'm hoping for a starring role with at least a million pound contract."

Carla smiled, though it was tinged with bitterness. Tafnik reminded her of one of Silrin's friends at the Sharing, who had the rare talent of being able to lighten any situation through humour. Carla wasn't sure where he was, or whether he'd even survived.

Eventually, they settled on a light-hearted romantic comedy. After only half-an-hour, Carla began to feel increasingly sleepy. She'd had a lot of disturbed nights: loneliness and anxiety were always worst in the early hours, so whenever she awoke she would inevitably end up tossing and turning for hours in a stew of emotions.

Carla fought her tiredness for about ten minutes, but eventually let herself nestle against Alniss' shoulder.

"Do you want to finish this tomorrow?" Alniss asked her.

"No, you watch it," Carla murmured. "I don't mind falling asleep here"

"I really think bed might be better. Not that I mind being a pillow."

Carla nodded and yawned, but didn't move. She felt too lethargic to shift a single muscle.

"Come on," Alniss said, shifting her shoulder to move Carla's head slightly. "Let's get you into bed."

Carla followed Alniss back out into the narrow hallway, turning right towards a door at the end.

"Our room," Alniss said, showing Carla in.

Two single beds, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers were crammed into the small space, the two beds almost touching. One, with a purple cover, was almost directly beneath the window, while the other, which had sky-blue linen, was against the same wall as the door. Carla let her eyes stray to a picture of an African savannah under a bright blue sky, which was stuck to the wall at the foot of the beds, surrounded by other posters and photographs stuck haphazardly around it.

"You're here for tonight," Alniss said, pointing to the blue bed. Looking closer, Carla could see that a pair of pyjamas had been laid out on top of it. "If you want the window bed, we can maybe swap tomorrow?"

Carla shook her head. "This one's fine. It looks really comfy."

Alniss turned her head away while Carla changed, then showed her the bathroom, whose walls were painted a cheerful yellow. Alniss pulled a new, red toothbrush from a cupboard, and Carla cleaned her teeth quickly, exhausted and desperate for sleep.

The bed was even more comfortable than it looked, and Carla breathed a sigh of contentment as she slipped between the covers, her eyes closing in bliss.

"Do you want anything else?" Alniss asked her.

"Stay with me until I fall asleep?" Carla murmured, without opening her eyes.

"Of course I will," Alniss whispered quietly.

Carla felt Alniss's fingers touch her hairline, slowly stroking the wisps of hair back behind her ear. A sense of complete contentment stole over her, and it was only a few minutes before her breathing deepened and she slid into restful, dreamless sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** So, a few people were interested in finding more out about Alniss and Carla's backstories. Hopefully this chapter will give you a little more information!

* * *

Two weeks later, Carla pushed her key into the door of the apartment, exhausted. She'd travelled to yet another town, this one an hour away, to hand out resumes, but no-one wanted an employee without references. They had the luxury of choosing: new technology from the Andalites, combined with that humanity had reverse-engineered from the Yeerks, was making a lot of people unemployed. True, it hadn't affected the restaurant trade that much yet, but Carla was still competing with a spillover of retail workers, cleaners, factory workers… it made things difficult.

"Hey." Alniss emerged from the living room. "Any luck?"

Carla shook her head morosely. "You don't need a brain to infest, do you?" She joked flatly. "Or would you want references too?"

"I think I already had them." Alniss' voice was quiet, her tone almost mournful, making Carla immediately regret what she'd said. "Silrin thought a lot of you."

Carla swallowed hard, trying to keep control of her expression. "I still don't know why."

Alniss frowned. "Don't you? She said you were brave, strong, kind, funny…"

Carla snorted dismissively. "Oh, she told me all that, but I thought she was mad. Still do."

"You don't believe that she meant it? Let me put your mind to rest about that, Carla, because she said all this to me in the Pool, so it couldn't have just been to…" Alniss trailed off, her voice hesitant.

"No, I know she meant it," Carla said, shaking her head. "I could _feel_ she meant it, whenever she said it. I just think she was wrong."

"How could she possibly be wrong?"

Carla turned her head away, her eyes suddenly misted with tears, her fists clenched. "She called me strong when I was whimpering at her, begging her to let me go and buy some vodka. Even though I knew if I kept drinking like I had been I'd probably kill myself with it. Even though I'd joined the Sharing specifically to help me stop… and the Sharing wasn't the first way I tried quitting, it was the fifth. It only worked because I had a mind-controlling alien in my brain that I knew would stop me if I actually tried to drink anything… well, apart from the controlled amounts they were giving me, at first. I was that bad that I'd have died if I'd tried to stop cold turkey. Now you tell me how anyone can look at that and say that's _strength._ Silrin was more than wrong, she was completely insane… in a good way. I mean, I love her, but it didn't make any sense."

Alniss made a soft sound, somewhere between a sigh and a groan. "Maybe we should go and sit down for this."

"It's fine," Carla said quickly. "We don't need to talk about it. I shouldn't have-"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Carla said, though inside she was wishing she hadn't said anything. What had possessed her to splurge out a rant like that? She'd made Alniss feel uncomfortable, which was the last thing she wanted to do.

"You said Silrin 'would' have stopped you 'if' you'd tried to do anything. Did she ever actually have to?"

"Have to what?"

"Take control to hold you back. Did you ever physically try to go and drink?"

Carla shook her head. "No."

"So you quit all by yourself. You didn't need the mind-controlling alien."

Carla laughed. "I didn't quit by myself. She talked to me, distracted me, reminded me of all my reasons for trying to stop… I'd already tried by myself, and it didn't work."

"You still did it under your own willpower. She could have been another human and done all that."

"She wouldn't have noticed as early," Carla argued. "She saw when I was feeling like I wanted it, she saw it before I did."

"Okay, fair enough. But that's all she did. And from that alone I agree with her. You got over that dependency all by yourself: that must take incredible strength."

"I was the one that got myself hooked in the first place. It wasn't like I didn't know alcoholism existed. That was weak."

Alniss sighed. "There's no arguing with you, is there?"

Carla finally raised her eyes to meet Alniss'. "You sound exactly like her," she said quietly, her voice cracking.

Alniss crossed the hallway in two strides, pulling Carla into a hug and kissing the top of her head. "I'm sorry."

Carla could hear the tension in Alniss' voice, as though she was holding back tears herself. "You must miss her too."

She felt warm, wet teardrops begin to leak into her hair as the Yeerk's arms tightened around her. Strangely, it seemed to make Carla feel a little stronger.

"She… she always looked forward to seeing you. Well, seeing probably isn't the right word, but you know what I mean," Carla said, attempting to return the comfort Alniss had been unquestioningly giving her for weeks now.

"We were close," Alniss said simply, pulling back a little so she could look at Carla.. "We were something called _schrelna,_ it means the grubs we were born from were very close together, from the same part of our parents. The siblings who are closer to you in space tend to be more similar genetically, because of the way our reproduction works, so you also tend to be closer to them emotionally than you are to those that were born further away."

Carla nodded. "Silrin told me. She used to tell me things like that when I couldn't sleep… not because it was boring, but because it helped to calm me down. I was so interested in all of it that I forgot whatever was bothering me at the time."

"What else did she tell you?" Seeing Carla's wistful look, Alniss added: "Unless talking about her makes you feel worse."

Carla shook her head. "It… I think it makes it better. I think about her a lot."

"Yes, you must. Everything must remind you of her," Alniss said perceptively.

"She told me old Yeerk legends: Falniss and Kandrona; Thish the faithful Gedd; Sairan defeating the great Vanarx; Cilkik and Ghesh; the hidden Pool…"

"Wow. You could probably pass for a Yeerk."

"Not really. I'm not sure I could tell them verbally… so much of what I remember of them are the images and feelings she showed me. Though she told me bits in words." Carla stopped speaking abruptly, tears pricking painfully at her eyes. The memory of Silrin's voice in her mind was suddenly so strong she could half-convince herself it was really there.

"I'm sorry," Alniss said instantly, reaching to pull Carla closer to her. "I should never have…"

"It's okay. Did…" Carla swallowed, took a deep breath and tried again. "Did you talk much to your hosts?"

"Not as much. I never had a human, and my Gedd host was the only one who really wanted me there. My Hork-Bajir… she wasn't exactly involuntary. She didn't fight me, she was just… resigned." Alniss gave a light shiver, and Carla wondered whether it had been a mistake to ask.

"What was your Gedd called?" Carla asked, hoping to steer the conversation towards slightly safer grounds.

"Chash," Alniss answered.

"Is that a he or a she?"

"Female. Like my Hork-Bajir. I suppose that's why I chose a female _nothlit_ form, in the end."

Carla frowned slightly, puzzled. "You never had a human host, then?"

Alniss shook her head. "I wanted one, but I rather shot myself in the foot by not wanting an involuntary. Voluntaries don't come up very often."

"So that's why you chose a human form? Because you wanted a human host?"

Alniss hesitated for a moment, biting one corner of her lip gently. "Partly."

Carla immediately felt guilty upon seeing the Yeerk's expression. "I'm sorry… please don't feel you have to tell me."

"It's okay," Alniss said softly. "It's natural that you're wondering. It must seem a strange thing to do, to trap yourself permanently in a body you've never had before. I just felt that being a Yeerk among Hork-Bajir… I'd spend all my time talking to other Yeerks, and then we'd gradually all die off and leave nothing behind. You can't really hold a conversation with a Hork-Bajir, the intelligence gap is too great. And if I ever did decide to reproduce… well, I know any children I have now would be human, but at least they'd be able to understand Yeerk culture, to pick some of it up, to talk to me on my own level." She paused for a moment, her eyes drifting to some of the artworks plastered all over the walls. "And you do have a beautiful planet, Carla."

Carla didn't respond for a moment, as she was busy searching her mind for a half-remembered conversation between Alniss and Silrin. "You have mates, don't you?" She knew that once a tripartite of Yeerks formed, they would spend decades strengthening their bond before they were eventually ready to mate. Given only one chance to reproduce, Silrin had explained, Yeerks thoroughly tested the qualities of those they chose to do it with.

Alniss instantly looked away, but not before Carla could see a rush of colour appear around her eyes and her lips start to tremble. "I…" Alniss' voice was suddenly choked, her words muddled. "They were in the Pool that day, too."

"Oh my God!" Carla reached for Alniss, feeling sick. "I'm so so sorry, I didn't realise…"

She heard a door open down the hall, but didn't even turn to see who it was. Alniss pulled away from her, seemingly with some effort, swallowed hard and wiped her eyes. "It's OK, honey, I'm fine. It just…"

Carla watched Alniss' expression harden, and wondered for half a second if she'd done something wrong, before she realised that Alniss was looking over her shoulder. Carla turned her head to see Kalran rapidly disappearing through the door to the living room, and turned back towards Alniss in puzzlement.

"Alniss, what-"

"It doesn't matter," Alniss said quickly. "Let's talk about this reference, shall we?"

Carla hesitated for a moment, uncertain whether to push for an explanation. But Alniss was sheltering her, feeding her, caring for her in every possible way she could… Carla didn't want to repay that with insolence, by asking about something she clearly didn't want to talk about.

"I was thinking, maybe if you found somewhere to volunteer for a bit…"

Carla nodded, though mentally she was still studying the image of Kalran disappearing rapidly, almost guiltily, through the door, and Alniss' expression when she'd seen her. "That sounds like a good idea."


	7. Chapter 7

Looking at her watch for the third time in the last minute, Carla tapped her foot impatiently against the hot tarmac. Was this bus ever going to arrive? She tried to distract herself by glancing around at her fellow passengers: a couple of teenagers listening to some rap song loudly through headphones; a young couple who were holding hands and periodically exchanging kisses; and an elderly man leaning on a walking stick, looking almost as intently as Carla in the direction the bus would come from.

After what seemed like a full Yeerk feeding cycle, the bus finally pulled up at the kerb and there was the usual rush for the doors. Carla gestured to the old man, letting him on ahead of her, then hurried onto the bus, passing a few dollars to the driver for the fare.

As she moved up the bus, however, she stopped in her tracks, staring at a pair of young women sitting together about four rows from the back. Involuntaries, ones Carla recognised, which meant they'd be almost certain to know her face if they saw her.

"Get a move on!" came a voice from behind her, which caused one of the girls to look up.

Her eyes bored straight into Carla's own.

"Come on, hurry up!"

Hastily, Carla dropped her eyes to the ground and hurried past the two girls. The only available seats, unfortunately, were either directly in front of or behind them. Opting to have them in her sights rather than the other way around, Carla slid into a seat behind them and held her breath as the bus moved off, hoping they hadn't recognised her.

Her hopes were short-lived, however, as one of them turned around to look at her.

"Hey," she said, smiling at Carla.

Well, that was unexpected. Carla wasn't sure what to think: perhaps the girl recognised her face but couldn't place where she knew it from? But that was unlikely, to say the least. Carla knew exactly who this woman was: Elsa, Silrin's first human host.

"You don't need to look so scared, you know. We're not gonna hurt you, are we, Kelly?"

Kelly also turned around at that, but her face was much more hostile, and she did not smile. "No. Even though I'm sorely tempted."

Elsa glanced sideways. "C'mon, Kel."

Kelly shook her head, her eyes filled with hatred. "I'm not talking to _her,_ " she spat, before whipping her head back round.

Well, that probably ruled out the option Carla had been considering for the last few seconds: that they were trying to gain her trust to get her alone and beat her up, or even kill her. If they were planning to do that, then they didn't appear to be working together. Carla let her gaze fall to the floor again, staring at a spot of used gum that had been trodden into the plastic.

"What are you up to these days?"

What the hell was she playing at? Carla could not understand why Elsa was still talking to her in that friendly way, and the uncertainty was worse than facing outright hatred.

"I promise, it's OK. Won't you talk to me?"

Carla kept her eyes firmly on the floor as the barrage of questions continued.

"It's Carla, isn't it?"

"How've you been doing?"

"I'm really not that scary, am I?"

"OK, if you don't want to talk right now that's fine."

 _Finally,_ Carla thought to herself. She'd never heard anyone so irritatingly persistent. Once she heard Elsa turn back around and resume her conversation with Kelly, Carla risked glancing at her watch. Great. Still twenty minutes to go. She could only hope they'd get off before she did.

Thankfully, five minutes later they did, as the bus reached the centre of town.

"Well… er… see ya," Elsa said to her as she stood up to get off. "Look after yourself."

Carla curled tighter into herself as they left, wrapping her arms around her belly and squeezing slightly. Her good mood was entirely dissipated now, replaced by fear, confusion and a sudden desperation to see Alniss and the others.

When she arrived home, she found Alniss, Kalran and Hallim sitting together in the living room. Carla quickened her pace, almost running across the room towards them.

"Are you alright?" Alniss asked, concern etching itself across her face. "What's happened?"

Carla could feel the rapidity of her own breathing, how much her eyes had widened. She hadn't realised until now quite how frightened she'd been. "I…" she hesitated, struggling for a moment to catch her breath. "Involuntaries."

Alniss' intake of breath was so sharp it sounded like a hiss. "Did they hurt you?"

Carla shook her head. "No. Just spoke to me."

"Listen, whatever they've said is nonsense. You're wonderful and you don't deserve-"

"You don't even know what they said, Alniss," Kalran pointed out, and was rewarded with a harsh glare.

"One of them said they didn't want to speak to me and the other one kept trying to get me to talk. I don't know what she was up to, but she kept being really nice."

Quizzically, Hallim cocked her head to one side. "Who was it?"

"Elsa. Elsa Martin."

Alniss looked, if it were possible, even more incensed when she heard the name. Hallim, however, seemed to relax a little.

"I used to be a Pool guard. From what I know of her I'd imagine that if she was being nice, she meant it."

"Well, she certainly doesn't hold back from being nasty when she wants to, either," Alniss muttered.

Hallim frowned. "What do you mean?"

"She was Silrin's first human host," Alniss answered. "She nearly made poor Silrin apply for a return to the Pool, she was that cruel to her."

"I'd imagine she had a right to be," Kalran said suddenly.

Shocked, Carla turned to stare at her. "What?!"

"You can never keep quiet when you should, can you!"

It was Alniss who had spoken. Carla had never heard her raise her voice before, and unconsciously wrapped her arms around herself. Alniss, however, didn't seem to notice, as her eyes were fixed on Kalran in a ferocious glare.

"Let's calm down," Hallim suggested gently, reaching to touch Alniss' arm, but Alniss pulled away.

"My sister did nothing wrong," Alniss said fiercely to Kalran.

"I'm not saying she meant to hurt her," Kalran responded, her voice calm. "If I blame anyone I blame the Empire. But nevertheless Silrin _will_ have hurt her by taking her against her will, and who can blame Elsa for responding to that with hostility?"

"Well, Carla didn't!"

Kalran's eyes turned to meet Carla's own, making Alniss belatedly turn as well. "But she didn't take you against your will, did she? You wanted her there."

Carla felt tears prick behind her eyelids, but forced them back. "Yes, of course I did. She took care of me. She was my friend." Swallowing hard, Carla glanced between the three Yeerks. "Is anyone going to explain what's going on?"

"You've heard of the peace movement, haven't you?" Kalran said.

Carla thought for a moment. "The traitor group?"

Kalran smiled. "Yeah, that's us."

"Us?"

"I was in the peace movement for the last few years of the war. My host… she was involuntary, and her pain… it was torture, for me. When I heard there was another way, it felt… it felt like a weight had been lifted, for both of us. She chose to stay with me, and we worked for peace together."

Carla stared in shocked silence for a few moments. "So it's partly your fault we lost," she said finally, her voice slow and cold.

Kalran's face drained of a little colour, and she looked uncomfortable for the first time. "Is this losing?"

Carla wanted to bark out a harsh laugh, to gesture around at herself and the others, to ask if it looked like winning to her. But Kalran was a Yeerk, after all, and Alniss' companion, even if they didn't always get along, so Carla decided not to contradict her.

"Can I go to my room? I'm tired."

"Of course," Alniss said gently.

"You don't have to ask for permission, you know," Kalran said. "You're a free human being, you can go wherever you want."

"If I was that good at being free, I'd be able to afford my own apartment," Carla muttered, turning towards the door. She still hadn't delivered the news she'd planned to, but she didn't feel like doing it now. One of the best days she'd had in a while had turned into one of the worst evenings, and the volunteer work she'd managed to land now felt like a cruel joke, an acknowledgement that the best she was good for was working for free while living off charity herself.

She could hear Alniss' raised voice as she walked down the narrow hallway, telling Kalran off for upsetting her, something Carla received with mixed emotions. Alniss' protectiveness was reassuring, flattering even, but she didn't want to drive a wedge between the two. Sighing, she closed the door to the bedroom and sank down onto her bed, resting her chin on her palms. Maybe things would have calmed down enough by dinnertime, though she assumed Alniss would bring her in a plate if she didn't show up.

Carla began to recite Yeerk myths in her head, something Silrin had always done for her when she'd felt distressed. She tried not to wonder whether, if there'd been no peace movement, Silrin would still be here.


	8. Chapter 8

Darkness, and the pressing sensation of thick, warm fluid all around her. Carla could hear whistles and echolocation clicks echoing through the liquid, and fired off some of her own. The returning echoes revealed long, thin shapes all around her: other Yeerks, she realised. Carla instinctively began to extend and contract her body, swimming towards a scent she recognised. Somehow, she was able to communicate, to call in the squeaky, otherworldly language of Pool Yeerkish.

" _Silrin, wait!"_

Her echolocation detected the other Yeerk pause and turn back towards her, swimming close to brush her palps across Carla's own.

" _I've missed you,"_ she heard the Yeerk reply. _"It looks like you're one of us now. Welcome."_ Silrin twined her body around Carla's slowly, an intimate gesture performed only between close siblings, friends or mates. Carla felt herself reciprocating the gesture, releasing chemical signals to communicate her joy.

Suddenly, the water began to swirl irregularly, sucking them down towards the centre of the Pool.

" _What's happening?"_ Carla tried to squeak to Silrin, but the other Yeerk was being ripped away from her by the current. Confusion was all Carla felt for a few seconds, as the water began to pull more insistently at her body, but then she understood. The cleaning cycle! But how… why… wait, she knew this. Jake! Jake was flushing them… they were all going to die!

" _Silrin!"_ Carla felt her body contract with terror, could smell her own stress hormones being released into the water around her, as well as those of countless others, as she continued to be sucked down towards the blackness of space. _"Silrin! No! No, Silrin! Come back! Silrin, no!"_

Carla opened her eyes. Someone was bending over her in the darkness, shaking her shoulders gently. "Silrin?" Carla muttered, confused.

"No, it's me. Alniss. I'm sorry."

Carla struggled to focus on Alniss' face, pulling herself up into a sitting position. The light from the streetlamp outside was leaking around the edges of the curtains as it always did, casting long shadows onto Alniss' concerned face. Tugging at the neck of her soaked pajama top, Carla tried to get her breathing under control.

"It was just a nightmare, honey." Alniss' hand was running comfortingly up and down Carla's back as she pulled her to rest against her body, seemingly heedless of the sweaty mess she was in. "It's okay."

Carla shook her head. "It wasn't just a nightmare. She's… she's gone."

"I know. I wish I could change that."

"So do I," Carla whispered wistfully.

They sat in silence for a while, Alniss' hand stroking slowly against her back, her hair, her shoulders. Carla felt the sensation of panic beginning to fade, but it was replaced with an intense, desperate sadness.

"Do you-" Carla stopped herself. It wasn't fair to ask Alniss that question, she had to remember that Silrin had been her _schrellie_ , one of the closest relationships Yeerks had. It wasn't fair to make her grief worse.

"Do I what?"

"It doesn't matter. I just wondered- it's nothing."

"Wondered what?" Alniss pulled back a little to look searchingly into her face. "You know you can ask me anything."

Carla shook her head insistently. "It isn't fair on you."

Gently, Alniss smiled at her. "I don't think bottling grief up has ever helped either of our species to process it. Let me help you. If you feel you want to ask it then it's probably something that it would help you to know. What is it?"

Carla swallowed and looked away. "I… I just… do you think she knew what was happening?" Carla was forced to stop, taking a few gasping breaths. "At the end, I mean. Did she know she was going to… to…"

A deep, sad sigh was the only response Carla got for a few seconds.

"I- part of me wants to lie to you, Carla, but I don't think it would be right." Alniss hesitated, touching Carla's shoulder.

Carla looked around to make eye contact, which seemed to give Alniss the courage she needed to carry on.

"Yes. Yes, I'm sure she would have worked out what was happening."

Carla looked away quickly. She felt like she couldn't breathe, but managed to gasp out another question. "How long for? Did she… did she suffer for long?"

Again, Alniss hesitated for a few moments. "That depends on where she was and how quickly she worked out what was happening. Yeerks can sense quite small changes in currents, and the ones to drain the Pool would have been quite forceful. The cleaning cycle takes around fifteen minutes, so that's the longest she could possibly have known for, but if she was near the bottom of the Pool when it happened, it might only have been…" Alniss paused, taking a few deep breaths. "It might only have been a minute or so. If that."

Carla began to sob again, and soon heard Alniss join her. She reached for the Yeerk's hand and held it tight, pressing her body against Alniss' and burying her head into her shoulder. Each of them, almost at the same time, reached with their free hand to squeeze tightly around the other's shoulders.

"I'm sure she thought of you," Alniss whispered after a while. "She would have wished she could thank you for what you did for her."

Carla swallowed, pulling away a little to wipe at her eyes with the back of her hand. "I didn't do anything, or at least not anything that special."

"You did. With Elsa, Silrin was a total mess, she was under so much pressure. Every time I met her in the Pool she was _gil'hin…_ I suppose the human equivalent would be crying. When she got you, I got my sister back."

For a few minutes Carla sat in silence, absorbing that information. She'd known that Silrin had had an involuntary host and hadn't enjoyed it, but she'd had no idea how strong those emotions were. The thought of her Yeerk crying every time she got a few moments to herself made Carla's insides twist into knots.

"I didn't know," she said eventually.

Alniss looked hesitant. "Maybe I shouldn't have…"

Carla shook her head forcefully. "No. No, I want to know."

"Okay," Alniss said softly, letting a hand stray up from Carla's shoulder to stroke her hair.

They sat there in silence for a while. Carla could feel the dampness from her own tears in the cloth of Alniss' bright green pyjama top, and feel her still-unsteady breathing against her hair. She felt her own breaths gradually begin to slow as she concentrated on the sensations around her, including Alniss twining a lock of hair around and around her finger, letting it go occasionally only to start again. It was a strange, repetitive motion, something intimate yet not like something a human friend would do. Despite its oddness, Carla found it comforting, allowing herself to breathe out a deep sigh. She could feel some of the tension draining from Alniss' body, too.

"Thank you," Carla whispered without moving her head.

She felt Alniss touch her cheek to the top of her head. "Thank you," she replied simply.

Carla yawned widely. Without a word, Alniss pulled back from her, shifting to turn back the duvet on Carla's bed. In similar silence, Carla lowered herself back down onto the comforting pillows, letting Alniss tuck the duvet around her and squeeze her hand gently in a silent 'goodnight'.

The rest of the night passed peacefully, without nightmares.


	9. Chapter 9

A few days later, Carla came home to a quieter house than normal. It was a Saturday, so Hallim and Menhal should have been home, but it was very quiet, the bedrooms deserted. Going through to the living room, Carla saw only Alniss and Kalran sitting there. Alniss was playing with her keys, jangling them around in her hands constantly, watching as the light flashed over them, while Kalran was staring out of the window.

"Hi," Carla said uncertainly. She was a little suspicious about the absence of the others, a suspicion that was confirmed when Kalran looked at her a little guiltily.

"Hi. Good day?"

Carla shrugged. "Where is everyone?"

Alniss and Kalran glanced at each other. "Out," Kalran said eventually. "They went to the park. I was hoping that we could talk."

Carla shrugged again, reluctant but not willing to say so aloud. "I guess."

Alniss looked at her anxiously. "Sit down, honey," she said gently.

Carla settled herself into one of the old, creaking armchairs near the sofa, and pulled one of the cushions into her arms, squeezing it against her body. The sensation of pressure was comforting. Carla had learnt that as a young child and never entirely stopped doing it. She looked expectantly at Kalran.

"I, er… we haven't really spoken since you found out I was part of the peace movement, Carla. I wondered if you… did you want to ask me anything, or…"

"Not really. I know what the movement was."

Kalran nodded. "I know." She glanced at Alniss for help.

"It's just that you don't entirely seem comfortable with it, honey," Alniss said. "We just want to know what we can do to make that easier."

Carla sighed. "Nothing, really. I'm fine with it." She hoped she seemed convincing. "It was just, like, a shock at first."

Alniss nodded slowly. "Are you sure?"

"Sure," Carla said in almost a whisper, conscious of Kalran's very intense gaze on her.

There was silence for a few moments, but Kalran continued to study Carla, making her swallow and look away, pretending to be fascinated by the picture of mountain scenery on the wall. Menhal had found it for a bargain price at a Goodwill, and the Yeerks had collectively exclaimed over it for about half an hour when she'd brought it home, as though it was a Van Gough or something. It was a pretty scene, Carla supposed, the Andes capped with snow, but she didn't really see what the fuss was about.

"You know, we hated what the Animorphs did on the Pool ship too," Kalran said eventually, her voice slow and very quiet. "They… they killed a lot of us."

That was a surprise to Carla. She snapped her eyes away from the picture to meet Kalran's own, staring. "But you… you were on their side?"

Kalran gave a bitter laugh. "Yes, we thought so too. Clearly they didn't feel the same."

Carla watched her carefully for any sign she was lying. She'd assumed, somehow, that the peace movement had been kept safe, but thinking about it now she didn't see how they could have been. Any change to pool schedules for that many Yeerks would surely have been suspicious.

"We'd never have sanctioned something like that, Carla. Please… please believe me. We… we're not murderers."

Carla nodded slowly. "I didn't know…"

Kalran gave an answering nod, twisting her hands together in her lap. "I lost many siblings and friends in the attack. Three of them were in the movement, too. I feel so guilty that I survived…"

"I'm sorry," Carla murmured quietly, her pity genuine.

"I don't think there are any of us who didn't lose at least one Yeerk we knew well. I'm lucky that I didn't lose one of my mates, or a close sibling."

"You have mates?" Carla asked, puzzled, for she'd never heard mention of them before.

It was clearly the wrong thing to do, however, as Kalran's eyes teared up. "I used to… but when we were given the morphing power... Ilkiss and I went first, trapped ourselves as humans, but we didn't know, we couldn't have known… Oglud was allergic."

Carla wasn't quite sure what that meant, not knowing much about the morphing technology, but she didn't want to ask any more for fear of upsetting Kalran still further.

"It means they couldn't take the power," Alniss said softly, clearly sensing Carla's puzzlement.

Carla processed that for a few seconds, then realised what it meant. "So they're still in the Pool?"

Kalran nodded, wiping at her tears with the back of her hand. Carla's stomach twisted in sympathy, while Alniss slipped an arm silently around Kalran's shoulders.

"After a few months of asking, the humans and Andalites guarding the Pool let Ilkiss and I go in and use the computer there to talk with them, but we'll never truly interact again… we'll never touch. And Oglud, they'll… they'll never see again, never move beyond the confines of an artificial Pool, unless they go back to one of the homeworld Pools I suppose, but they'll never have a host."

"They could have me," Carla said instantly, without even thinking.

Kalran raised her damp eyes to look directly at her. "That's so generous, Carla, it's so incredibly kind, but it's not that simple. The human and Andalite authorities simply won't allow hosts of any sort, not even Gedds, and by the Kandrona, Gedds aren't that much smarter than pigs and substantially less so than whales, and humans still kill both of those animals… sorry, I'm rambling."

"It's fine. It sounds frustrating."

Kalran stood up suddenly, breaking the contact of Alniss' arm, and paced restlessly to the window. "It is. It's ridiculous. So many have offered… my own host, Sara… Adam Tidwell… Sak Rimee, Ilkiss' Hork-Bajir host… now you, Carla, and I can't stress enough how generous it is of all of you to even consider it, but the Andalites won't hear of it. And it's not just Oglud, there are hundreds who were allergic to the technology, and a couple of hundred more who can't stomach the idea of leaving their own bodies forever, of making the Yeerk race practically extinct…"

Alniss snorted. "Andalites. They'd murder us all if the humans gave them half a chance."

"Some of the humans would probably be fine with that, too," Kalran muttered. "At first I tried to change it, I wrote to the Animorph Cassie, probably the most sympathetic to us, but I don't know if the letter even arrived. But it soon became clear that there's no point fighting it, they'll never change their minds."

Carla frowned slightly. "You… you could keep trying anyway," she whispered, not wanting to seem contradictory or defiant.

Alniss smiled slightly. "Humans," she said, sharing a glance with Kalran. "You never give up on the impossible."

"Sara's the same," Kalran said, looking back at Carla. "She's been writing every week to anyone she can possibly think of, phoning people… she's looking at setting up a campaign group now. She won't listen when I tell her she's wasting her time."

Carla looked steadily at Kalran, uncertain whether to vocalise the thoughts she had in her mind. Silrin had told her humans were much more persistent than Yeerks, much less willing to admit defeat, but she'd never encountered this in practice until now. "What if she isn't wasting it?"

"She is."

Kalran's voice was so certain and so devoid of hope that it wrenched at Carla's heart, enough to make her forget her inhibitions and speak freely. "You've gotta _try,_ " she said forcefully.

"I know you feel that, as a human, but I don't. Yeerks give up hope much more easily when the odds are so steep."

Carla fell silent, but her thoughts were darting around her mind like dragonflies. Could she ever convince Kalran? Could she do anything herself? Why did she suddenly want to so badly? The last thought gave her some pause. Was this sudden desire for action truly for Kalran's sake, or Oglud's, or was it for herself? Carla had never thought she'd have a Yeerk again, but she suddenly found herself wondering what it would be like to be infested again… by someone else, not by Silrin. She'd only ever had the one Yeerk, so it was hard to imagine, and even harder to determine how she truly felt about it.

"Carla? Are you alright?"

Carla was shaken out of her thoughts by the sound of Alniss' voice. "Fine," she said, a little too quickly, as she saw Alniss' eyebrows raise. The Yeerk, however, said nothing more about it.

Carla turned to Kalran. "I understand, now, about the movement. At least, I think I do. I'm sorry for judging you."

Kalran shook her head. "There's no need to apologise. I know the anger of grief, I've felt it myself. That's something that is the same between our species, no matter what the other differences may be."

Carla smiled slightly at that, and held out her hand towards Kalran. "Friends?"

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a slight motion of surprise cross Alniss' face. Kalran, on the other hand, smiled broadly as she reached out her own hand. "Of course."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** So I'm moving house and won't have internet for a couple of weeks, meaning no updates for a little while. Hope you all enjoy this chapter!

It was a few days before Thanksgiving, and Carla was bored.

It wasn't that she wasn't busy. On the contrary, she thought she'd have permanent damage to her wrists from the number of pizzas she was rolling out. It was sticky and hot in the crowded kitchen, despite the fan that was whirring at full speed not too far away from her. She dreaded to think what it would be like in the summer.

No, the boredom was more to do with the loneliness of her mind. Carla hadn't noticed it in her last job, but that had been before she'd moved in with Alniss and the others. Now when she was at home she was surrounded by chatter, by the presence of others, and she had no secrets from Alniss, who heard every detail of her day. It reminded her enough of Silrin's presence in her head to make her miss the constant touch of another mind whenever she was away from the Yeerks.

Carla wordlessly passed the circle of dough, now dressed with tomato sauce and cheese, along to Alan, who added toppings. After several more months of searching, Carla had eventually managed to find a new job, but even with her own paycheck coming in she hadn't wanted to leave the comfort of the flat or the company of the first friends she'd had in some time. Instead, she contributed to rent and food, which was a lot cheaper than moving out on her own anyway. It also avoided the need to have to come home and cook after an entire day (or more usually evening) spent doing just that.

Boredom always ended up with Carla getting lost in her memories, letting her fingers and hands get on with whatever needed doing with no attention. She'd learnt not to resist, letting her mind slide back several years as she kneaded and shaped the soft mass of flour and water in front of her.

" _You're sure you want to join us?" Talen 454's voice was soft, her eyes looking kindly into Carla's own._

 _Carla was still struggling not to think of her as Ellie. Trying to understand the existence of an alien she couldn't see, that looked and acted exactly like a human, was making her head hurt. She toyed with the idea of asking what would happen if she said no. She didn't think she'd exactly be allowed to just walk away, knowing such a secret. Turning her whole life over to an alien wasn't exactly an inviting prospect, but she couldn't help reminding herself that she wasn't exactly doing much else with it._

 _Talen was watching her carefully, but said nothing, seemingly realising the struggle going on in Carla's mind. Carla stared equally searchingly back into the other woman… alien's… eyes, trying to work out exactly how much she could trust her. Would this hurt? Would they actually even bother helping her? Of course, there was no way they actually cared, like Talen said she did. No-one ever did, not really. But if they would have to live Carla's life for her, they probably had a fair amount of motivation to sort it out, whether they gave a toss about her as a person or not._

" _This, er…" Carla trailed off._

" _Yeerk?" Talen prompted, with a slight smile._

" _Yeah. Will he- she?- will they see everything? Like, all my memories."_

 _Talen nodded. "Yes. Probably, anyway. They'll see a random selection when they first enter your head. No Yeerk can help that. After that they should view all your memories, technically, but there is some flexibility. If there's something you really don't want them to see, you could ask them to avoid it. But they will need to know approximately what it contains."_

 _Carla looked down and swallowed, already feeling ashamed._

" _It's important to remember that they aren't human, Carla," Talen murmured._

" _Really? I'd never have guessed," Carla muttered sarcastically._

 _She heard Talen sigh slightly. "You misunderstand me. I mean that what humans and Yeerks think of as embarrassing or shameful is very different. Many hosts assume a Yeerk would feel about them in the same way a human might if they saw all their secrets, but that's simply not the case. My own host was very concerned… very ashamed… about a number of things in her past when I first infested her, but she quickly realised that they meant nothing to me. Human social norms just don't shape a Yeerk's thinking in the same way."_

 _Carla thought about that for a few seconds, then something else occurred to her. "This is gonna sound completely stupid… will they be there even when I go to the bathroom?"_

" _Almost every potential host asks me that question," Talen said softly. "The answer is yes, but what I said about different norms applies here. For the Yeerk, that's completely normal, and it will soon feel much more natural for you, too."_

" _Can I have any freedom?"_

" _The vast majority of voluntary hosts spend substantial periods of time in control of their body. They all have a few hours every three days when the Yeerk leaves their head to feed, and most negotiate daily periods of time where their Yeerk hands them control, although for that the Yeerk is still there."_

 _Carla sat in silence for a while, digesting what she'd just heard, tangling her hands together in her lap. She wondered again whether she should ask what would happen if she said no, but she felt she already knew the answer, and if she was going to end up subject to the will of mind-controlling aliens either way, she didn't want to start off the relationship on the wrong foot._

" _Does it hurt?"_

" _No," Talen answered simply. "Your Yeerk will secrete a natural anaesthetic that will numb your ear canal."_

 _Carla nodded. The answer seemed honest. "Who are they?"_

 _Talen smiled at her. "Your Yeerk's name is Silrin. Silrin six-eight-six of the Gurat Hesh pool. If you were to convert her age to a human lifespan, she'd be around twenty-eight, twenty-nine. She's had one human host before, and a couple of other hosts before that- different species."_

" _Is she a girl, then?"_

" _Yeerks don't have human genders, but they usually follow the gender identity of their host when referred to in their host's language."_

" _What's she like?" Carla caught herself, then, realising how this must sound. "I'm bombarding you with questions, aren't I?"_

 _Talen smiled again. "I think you have a right to, given the situation. She's lovely, Carla. Very kind, sensitive. She worked as a fighter pilot before she took her first human host, then she supported the Sharing, as many of those in human hosts do." Talen flipped over a piece of paper in front of her. "She told me her favourite human food is pepperoni pizza."_

 _This last piece of information was so bizarre that Carla began to laugh, alleviating some of the anxious, trapped feeling inside her. "You quizzed her on her pizza choices?"_

" _A substantial number of potential hosts want to know about the Yeerk that will infest them. Understandably. So we ask the Yeerk to tell us about their background, and, if they've had a human host before, likes and dislikes."_

 _Carla nodded. "You don't exactly cut corners, do you?" Carla took a deep breath, deciding she'd put off making a decision for long enough. "OK, I guess I'll do it."_

 _Carla noticed a slight change in Talen's face: an expression of relief that was quickly masked. "Thank you, Carla."_

" _I mean," Carla said, suddenly seized by the urge to say something to distract herself from the terror running through her gut, "if it had been ham and pineapple I'd have said no. Fruit with savoury is just wrong. But I reckon I can live with pepperoni."_

 _Talen laughed, seeming much more relaxed now that Carla had given her consent. She stood up, beckoning to Carla to follow her, and led the way to a table with a single chair next to it. The table supported something covered with a dark cloth._

 _Talen lifted the piece of material to reveal a small, circular plastic tank full of brown-green, sludgy liquid. There was a curved lip on the upper edge of the tank nearest the chair. A couple of strips of material were attached to this lip, which was strange._

" _She's in here," Talen said. "Please sit down, and put one ear under the surface of the water. When you feel ready."_

 _Carla looked at the sludge with disgust. "Do I have to put my ear in there? What even is it?"_

" _Pool fluid," Talen answered. "It provides us with the nutrients and physical environment we need. It's a solution of mineral rich clay, organic matter and water, warmed a little. That's all."_

 _Carla was pretty sure that sounded like a fancy scientific description of warm mud, but she reminded herself she had little choice in the matter, walked over to the chair, and sat down._

" _When you feel ready, turn your head sideways and rest your neck here," Talen instructed, indicating the lip on the plastic tank, which Carla now noticed was the perfect size to hold a human neck. Then she realised the bits of material must be straps, and jerked back suddenly, making the legs of the chair squeal against the floor._

" _Are you gonna tie my head down?"_

 _There was a rush of footsteps as Talen hurried over, crouching next to the chair to bring herself to Carla's eye level. "No, not if you don't want me to. Carla, honey, it's okay. Just take your time."_

 _Carla let out a shuddering breath. "OK. OK." After a few seconds, she managed to make herself tuck the chair back up to the table._

" _If I may, I would like just to put my hand on the top of your head," Talen said gently. "It's important you keep it still, and most humans find the sensation a little strange at first… sometimes they instinctively move."_

 _Carla nodded slowly. "OK."_

 _Feeling that she simply couldn't put this off any longer, Carla slowly lowered the side of her head into the sludgy water. It felt thicker than liquid she was used to, and it felt warm against the side of her face, like bathwater at just the right temperature. She was just beginning to relax when something slimy touched her ear._

 _As Talen had predicted, she jumped a little, her head trying to lift, but the pressure of Talen's hand kept it under the water. Carla forced herself to still, though her body was trembling._

" _Well done, honey. It's okay."_

 _Carla felt a sharp pain in her ear, and wondered for a second whether Talen had been lying, but the pain quickly went away, and a sensation of numbness overtook her ear. She could still feel a slight pressure, as something squirmed deeper and deeper inside her, but soon she lost sensation entirely as it passed further into her head. Carla sat still and quiet for a minute or so._

" _How long will it take?" she asked Talen._

 _Or tried to._

 _Carla abruptly realised the words had made no sound, that her lips hadn't even moved. She tried to wriggle the fingers on a hand. Nothing. Now she was aware of it, she could feel the loss of other bits of control. Suddenly, blinking didn't quite feel like she was doing it, something that was confirmed when she tried to blink rapidly and failed. She could also, if she concentrated, feel emotions that were not her own: a vague sense of excitement and anxiety rolled into one._

 _Then the memories started. Carla was seven again, opening a cupboard without much hope to find nothing left for her breakfast inside. Nine, bubbling with excitement and awe on a school trip to a planetarium. Eleven, leaping on a trampoline at a friend's house, laughing like a demon. Then, abruptly, thirteen, drinking cheap beers illicitly behind sand dunes on the beach. Fifteen, bunking off from school, accompanied by a bottle of vodka. Nineteen, working a boring shift at a clothing store. Back to being five, hiding in her bedroom while her mum and step-dad screamed at each other. Back again to her teenage years, losing her virginity in the backseat of a car to a boy whose name she couldn't even remember._

 _It was this last memory that finally overcame Carla's determination not to try and fight, to accept whatever happened._

" _No! Stop!" she tried to yell, conscious again that there was no sound. It was pointless. No-one could hear._

 _Only someone clearly did. The memory stopped suddenly._

 _(Sorry.)_

 _It wasn't a voice. Not really. More a jumble of thoughts, words, sensations and emotions that together conveyed a message._

 _(We can't help what we see, not the first time. I'm sorry, Carla.)_

 _Strangely, Carla didn't doubt the truthfulness of what the Yeerk said. Maybe it was the emotions and images that came with it that made it more convincing than mere words would have been, or perhaps it was that Carla sensed the kind of person Silrin was even this early in their relationship. Whatever it was, Carla felt a trickle of forgiveness stealing over her. She wanted to reply, but wasn't sure how._

 _(Just think the words, and direct them at me,) Silrin coached gently.(Although I can see most things anyway, it's more likely to get my attention this way.)_

 _(Like this?)_

 _(Exactly. Well done.)_

 _Silrin waited for a few moments, then said: (I don't mean to rush you, but I haven't connected with all your brain yet. Can I carry on? I may hit more memories, but I'll try and move away from them as fast as I can if they… upset… you.)_

 _Carla hesitated, trying to steel herself. She never felt she'd had much courage, and there were a lot of memories she didn't want to ever see again. Okay._

 _Immediately she felt another memory open, this time of playing with a skipping rope at school with her friends. It was a memory Carla hadn't even realised she had, and it made her smile… or at least try to smile. She wasn't sure if the expression showed on her face. Silrin lingered on this memory for a while, but eventually Carla felt her move further through her brain, opening up others. The ones that were painful or frightening, Silrin skipped over quickly, viewing them only for a few seconds, but it still felt violating._

 _After a while, Carla began to also see memories that weren't hers. Memories of swimming in sludge, talking to others in squeaks. Memories of looking through eyes for the first time, of the joy and wonder it provoked._

 _(Are these yours?) Carla asked._

 _(Yes.)_

 _Carla observed these memories with wonder; the life they depicted was so different from her own, from anything she had ever imagined, that she kept having to remind herself they were truly real. She felt Silrin's joy at seeing for the first time with Gedd eyes. The eternal, burning hunger of her Taxxon host, how difficult it had been to tune that out when flying spacecraft. The exhilaration of entering atmosphere in a Bug Fighter. Looking at Earth from space: the sense of awe Silrin had felt at a planet with so much colour. The fear and excitement of space battle. The terror that any small wound in her Taxxon host would result in being eaten alive. The relief when she was told about her transfer to a human, mixed with regret that she might never fly a spacecraft again. Strangely, though, there were no memories of this human host, nothing about what Silrin had experienced in her head. The memory stream cut off, suddenly, and Silrin spoke again._

 _(Well done, Carla. I know that was hard. I'm going to move your head now and speak to the sub-Visser. It will feel strange.)_

 _(Okay.)_

 _Silrin was right, it did feel very odd for her head to move without her telling it to._

" _I have control, sub-Visser. Thank you."_

 _Talen looked anxiously at Carla… at Silrin… at both of them? Carla wasn't really sure what the best expression was. "Resistance?"_

 _Silrin shook her head. "None."_

 _Talen let out a breath in a rush, as though she'd been storing up air for the last ten minutes. "Good. Very good."_

Carla came back out of the fog of memory in time for the end of her shift, and walked to the dark bus stop to wait for her ride home. Remembering Silrin still hurt like a knife digging somewhere just behind her breastbone, but since she'd met Alniss there were other, better emotions beginning to stir too… pleasure at remembering the gentle touch of Silrin's mind on her own, and even some hope for the future. After all, Carla could do things for Silrin's sister now she knew her: little things, like bringing Alniss a cup of coffee when she woke up early for work, or buying cheap bangles as a gift. Alniss loved the jangle of the bracelets as she played with them, loved watching the light flash over their bright silver surfaces.

While some of Carla's hope came from Alniss, a larger part had only blossomed after finding out about Kalran's mate Oglud and the other Yeerks who could not, or would not, access the morphing technology. Kalran might have called Carla's offer to host Oglud generous, but she knew better. There was nothing she wanted more than to share a mind again… she'd never felt so well understood, so accepted, so loved, at any other time in her life.

The bus pulled up, the bright light from its headlamps and windows cutting welcomingly through the dark. Carla picked at the grubby seat cushion with a fingernail as the bus pulled away again, letting her mind drift back into her memories.

 _Carla was lying curled up on the couch in her tiny apartment, the television flickering in front of her. She was in control of her body for now, but still painfully aware of the passenger she'd been carrying for nearly twenty-four hours. She was watching the new series of 'Friends', but she was gradually becoming aware of an increasing sense of confusion from her Yeerk._

" _You OK?" Carla said aloud. There was no-one to hear, and directing her thoughts to communicate still felt strange. Besides, it was nice to use her own voice again._

 _(I'm fine. Just trying to work out who everyone is,) Silrin said from within her mind. (Elsa never watched this. She didn't watch much TV in general, really.)_

" _You could just look at my memories, couldn't you?"_

 _(Please, not out loud, Carla,) Silrin said anxiously, despite the fact that no-one could possibly hear, and wouldn't understand if they did. Then, in answer to Carla's question: (I didn't think you'd want me to interrupt your show by digging around in your mind.)  
_

 _Carla switched to mental speech. (OK. Right. Thanks.)_

 _(You're surprised.) It was very strange hearing the way Silrin stated that, without even the hint of a question in her voice. But of course, she knew without needing to ask._

 _(Yes,) Carla answered anyway._

 _(I'm surprised too, Silrin murmured gently. Surprised at how well you've adjusted to me.)_

Carla was jerked out of her thoughts again as the bus slid to a halt. Hurriedly gathering her things together, she stepped out onto the rough pavement, its surface pitted with cracks. She finally forced herself to focus on the present day when she saw the two figures that were waiting for her, giving them a tired smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Alniss replied, Tafnik standing beside her under the streetlamp.

"You don't have to do this, you know," Carla said for what must have been the tenth time. "I'm fine walking around on my own."

"I get nervous for you," Alniss responded. Again, it was by no means the first time she'd said it; it was a routine the two of them played out almost every time Carla arrived home after dark. Alniss' voice, however, seemed oddly flat. Automatic.

"Are you OK?" Carla asked anxiously as they began trudging up the street. Now that she was aware of Alniss' mood, she realised Tafnik had yet to say anything, which was unusual for him.

Alniss looked away; it was Tafnik who answered. "There was an attempted raid on the Pool. No-one was hurt, thankfully, but the terrorists they caught were intending to bomb the place. It would have killed all the unhosted Yeerks there. Kalran's desperate to talk to Oglud, her mate, but she's not allowed to visit. No-one's allowed in at the moment for security reasons."

"No!" Carla exclaimed loudly, making an old lady scurrying the other way jump slightly. She'd thought frequently about Oglud and the other unhosted Yeerks over the past few months, feeling sorry for them for the senses they'd been deprived of, but she hadn't realised just how vulnerable they were.

"There's… er… Ilkiss and Sara are at the flat now," Tafnik said hesitantly. "We didn't think it was fair to separate them, or ask them to move."

Carla processed that information for a few seconds, trying to place the names. Ilkiss was Kalran's other mate, of course, but Sara… oh. Kalran's host. Carla was pretty sure that she'd started out involuntary before Kalran joined the peace movement She felt her heart speed up, beating a staccato rhythm against her ribs, and a sensation of nausea started in the pit of her stomach.

"I'm sorry," Alniss whispered anxiously, touching her hand.

"I'm fine." Carla tried to sound more confident than she felt. "It's Kalran we ought to be worrying about."


	11. Chapter 11

As soon as she opened the door, Alniss could hear raised voices.

"I still don't get why you won't at least try and bloody _do something!_ " The voice coming from the living room was high-pitched and loud, its owner clearly frustrated.

Alniss glanced sideways at Carla, biting her lip with anxiety. The human's face was hard and unreadable, a toughness masking the fear Alniss was sure Carla was feeling.

Carla didn't say anything, but stepped past her, walking determinedly down the hallway with a measured pace. Alniss hurried to catch up.

"We can go straight to the bedroom if you want. I'll bring you something to eat," Alniss offered.

"No thanks. She'll know I'm here anyway, I may as well get this over with. Anyway, I want to see Kalran."

Carla pushed open the living room door, only to unleash an even louder wave of sound on the three of them.

"No, YOU listen to ME! I'm the only one making sense right now!" Sara's voice was shrill as well as loud, going through Alniss like a Pool alarm.

Carla shuddered slightly, but didn't break her pace, stepping firmly through the door. Alniss hurried through after her to find Kalran sat huddled against Ilkiss. Her host Sara, a tall brunette, was standing before her with her hands on her hips, glaring exasperatedly at her Yeerk. Sara had made Alniss nervous from the moment she'd first met her, a few weeks after Alniss had received her new human body and moved into the flat. Once Carla had come to live with them, she'd asked Kalran to try and avoid Sara coming over, which had been successful until now. Alniss hadn't fancied her chances of saying no when Sara had arrived earlier that evening, her eyes blazing, to comfort a sobbing Kalran. Half an hour later, however, the arguing had started.

"There's nothing we can do," Kalran murmured, her voice barely audible, in contrast to her host's. "We just have to accept that."

"You can't know that!" Sara whirled round, pacing angrily to the window and back. "I could tear my hair out, Kal, I really could. You're _impossible._ "

"I agree with Kalran," Ilkiss said softly, his deep voice choked with tears. "Much as I wish it weren't true, we have to accept we're powerless."

Sara raised her eyebrows and pointed to herself. "Resistant involuntary host. Or at least, I started out that way. By definition, I'm not very good at the whole accepting-powerlessness idea."

Alniss stole a glance across at Carla, to see how she was taking this news. Alarmingly, Carla's face was set in harsh lines of anger, and her mouth was opening. Alniss started to move towards her, desperate to stop her saying anything, but it was too late.

"Leave her alone!" Carla snarled. "Can't you see how hurt she is?"

Kalran gave a sharp gasp at Carla's words and looked up quickly. "Carla! I didn't realise you were home." Her eyes strayed anxiously to her host, who had jerked round at Carla's comment and was staring at her incredulously.

"Carla?" Sara repeated. " _Home…_ " She trailed off for a few seconds, her forehead wrinkled with puzzlement. "You're a human and you live here? Really?"

Carla nodded sharply, and crossed the room so determinedly that Sara was forced to step aside. Alniss hoped her shock wasn't visible: she'd had no idea Carla was capable of such confidence. Reaching the sofa, Carla sank into the cushions beside Kalran and took her hand.

Sara was still looking baffled, glancing between Kalran and Carla. Alniss searched her mind for some way of distracting Sara, getting her away before she could find out who Carla was.

"Maybe you should go home, Sara," Alniss said cautiously. "It's late."

There was no reply to that. "Why on Earth would you choose to live with a bunch of Yeerks?" Sara asked Carla slowly, the anger in her voice replaced with curiosity. "I had enough of them when I was infested. Although I guess maybe if you've never had a Yeerk in your head…"

Kalran was shifting anxiously in her seat, looking helplessly at Alniss. "Sara…"

Carla looked past Sara, staring at the wall. "I have had a Yeerk in my head. She was Alniss' sister. I- I wanted her there."

Silence. Alniss felt sick as she took a few steps closer to Sara, ready to grab her arm and restrain her if she had to. She watched the lines around Sara's dark brown eyes harden from confusion into outrage as the realisation hit her.

"Tell me," Sara spat, her voice like ice. "Did they actually manage to get a TV loud enough to drown out the screams or did you just ignore them?"

Alniss felt the words like a stab to the stomach. She stared at Carla, desperate for the host to look at her, but Carla maintained her blank stare at the opposite wall, her expression unchanging.

"Sara!" Kalran's voice was suddenly far more forceful, her hand gripping Carla's tightly.

Sara turned her eyes to her Yeerk. Alniss had thought she was angry before, but this seemed an altogether different kind of anger. Sara's voice and demeanour were much calmer, but also far colder.

"You should have told me."

Kalran shifted anxiously in her seat, as though trying to escape the force of her host's eyes. "I'm sorry. It wasn't my secret to tell."

Sara snorted. "It isn't like she cared about your species violating anyone else's right to privacy, why should I respect hers? How long exactly were you planning to carry this on for? Making excuses to meet me anywhere but here… telling me you still hadn't found someone to take Jilran's place... you should have told me."

"Okay, I know. I'm sorry. Please, Sara, I really can't… not today…" Kalran's eyes were damp, and she turned her head towards Ilkiss' shoulder.

Sara rolled her eyes and sighed impatiently, but her expression had softened slightly. "Okay, Kal. Not today. And I'm sorry I got so angry with you… about Oglud, that is. She," Sara jerked a thumb at Carla without looking at her, "is probably right that it wasn't helping. I just wish… I wish you could try and do something… it hurts to see you like this."

She took a step closer to Kalran, reaching down to squeeze her Yeerk's free hand, and spoke far more gently. "Call me anytime if you need to talk."

"You're leaving?" Kalran asked, looking pleadingly up at her host. Alniss understood the expression on some instinctive level: her Hork-Bajir host hadn't been voluntary, and they'd had no contact since the war, but Alniss still missed her in some strange way.

"It seems best," Sara said, her tone surprised. One eyebrow lifted slightly towards her curly hair.

"I don't mind if you stay," Carla said quietly, breaking her stare at the opposite wall to glance sideways at Kalran, a concerned furrow in her brow. "Not if your Yeerk needs you."

Sara's nose wrinkled in an unmistakeable gesture of contempt. "I wasn't asking you."

Alniss felt the anger that had been building within her over the last few minutes suddenly bubble over. "Shut up!" she snapped harshly.

Sara turned to her. "I don't take orders from you, Yeerk. I've only been tolerating the lot of you over the last few years because Kalran asked me to. I'll listen to her… well, sometimes… because she risked her life to try and free us. Ilkiss, too," she added, inclining her head towards the tall man who had his arms wrapped around Kalran's waist and his face pressed into her hair. "But don't make the mistake of thinking I've forgiven you for what you've done, Alniss."

Alniss ignored this. Pushing aside the ranting of involuntary hosts was second nature when you'd been indoctrinated by the Empire, and Alniss had never fully retrained herself not to do it. "Leave Carla alone. I think you should go."

"No!" Sara spat incredulously. "Don't order me about, Yeerk."

"This happens to be my home," Alniss growled, her ability to control her anger not helped by noticing that Carla's hand had begun to shake.

Kalran abruptly pushed herself to her feet. "That's enough. Don't speak to my host like that." She glanced at Sara, who was beginning to open her mouth at the word 'host', her expression furious. "Sorry, Sara, but that's the only way Alniss might understand."

Kalran was right, Alniss did understand. Whatever the Empire had tried to do to suppress it, all Yeerks felt a certain protectiveness for their hosts, even involuntary ones. Alniss knew many Yeerks who'd had arguments with the Pool guards about scratches, cuts and bruises their hosts had sustained during feedings. The relationship was deeper with voluntary hosts, which Alniss supposed in a way Sara was, though she would never say so to her face. But Alniss could still feel her stomach twisting with anxiety for Carla, her heart hammering with rage.

"Once she stops speaking to my host like she's dirt!" Alniss snapped. A few seconds later, she realised what she'd said, and quickly turned her eyes to Carla.

Her expressionless stare at the wall finally broken, Carla was staring openly at Alniss. By the Kandrona, Alniss cursed to herself, she'd been careless with her words.

"Yours?" Sara said with a slight sneer. "I thought you said she was your sister's host."

Kalran looked worriedly at Alniss, who felt frozen in place. Had she really begun to feel like that? It was ridiculous, she'd never once been inside Carla's head, how could she possibly feel that bond for her? But it was true, Alniss saw with a few moments' introspection. The feeling was so clear, so strong, that she couldn't understand how she'd mistaken it for so long.

It was Tafnik who came to her rescue. "Alniss loved her sister very much, Sara. She wants to protect the people who were important to her."

There was silence for a few moments.

"I have a solution," Ilkiss said slowly. "Why don't we all-" he gestured to include Sara, Kalran and himself, "go to your room, Kalran? That way we can talk without disturbing anyone else, or getting into arguments."

That seemed a reasonable idea to Alniss, but Kalran shook her head. "Hallim," she said quietly.

Sara's face, if it were possible, became even sourer, her lip curling. Alniss wasn't sure why at first, then remembered. Hallim had been a Pool guard: Sara must have watched her force countless heads under the water for reinfestation and drag her fellows to and from cages for years. Hallim might even have done it to Sara herself.

Ilkiss looked guilty. "Of course. Sorry. Unless she came out here while we went in there?"

Sara shook her head. "I'll just go," she said. "Kal, Ilkiss, come with me if you want. You're always welcome to stay over, you know that, right?"

Kalran took a hesitant step forward, which finally pulled her hand away from Carla's. "Yes please."

Once Sara and the two Yeerks had left, Alniss walked hesitantly over to Carla. "Are you OK?"

Carla's responding smile was reassuring. "Sit next to me?"

Alniss didn't need inviting twice. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tafnik slipping away, presumably giving them some space. Carla leant her head against Alniss' shoulder: Alniss could feel the prickle of her hair against her neck.

"I don't mind," Carla said softly. "You can call me your host if you want."

"I'm sorry. I didn't realise what I was saying, I-"

"I care about you, too," Carla whispered.

Alniss felt the weight in her chest lighten at Carla's words, but only slightly. "I'm sorry about Sara."

Carla shrugged. "I don't care what she thinks of me. I'd never get her to like me, anyway."

Alniss slid an arm around Carla's shoulders, squeezing tightly. "It must still hurt you."

"Not really. I've worked out by now what side of this war I ended up on. I didn't really mean to end up there. Like… I wanted the help from the Sharing, and I didn't want to piss them off because I figured they'd just infest me anyway. After that, I just didn't want to disappoint Silrin. But there's no point feeling sorry for people like Sara. They're never going to give a damn about me. Most humans hated me even before the Yeerks."

"I'm sure that's not true," Alniss said softly. "You're… you're a wonderful person. Surely at least someone…"

Carla snorted. "You say that because you're a Yeerk. You see me so differently to how other humans do. Silrin did too."

"Humans are very different individually," Alniss argued, disturbed by the way Carla seemed to feel about herself and her place within her own species. "They can't all respond to you in the same way."

"They don't. Sara didn't try to punch me. Most would, and many want me dead. She just doesn't want me anywhere near her. That's one of the milder reactions I've seen."

Alniss said nothing for a few moments; she had no argument to return to that. Instead, she stroked Carla's hair lightly, letting her breathing slow as she appreciated the comfort of the cushions beside her, the warmth of Carla's body against her side. She let her eyes stray to the picture of Earth's mountains opposite her, but it did not produce the fascination it normally did. She was still too worried, chewing over Carla's words in her mind. Then, something occurred to her.

"What about Elsa?"

"Hmmm?" Carla murmured sleepily.

"What about Elsa? You told me she was quite nice to you when you saw her that time."

Carla lifted her head slowly, turning to look at Alniss. "She was just pretending. Why would she want to be friendly to me? She _hates_ Yeerks, she never stopped fighting them."

Alniss shrugged, seeing it was useless to pursue the point further. "You're probably right. Well, whatever they think of you, you know that I…" she trailed off, uncertain how to put the emotion into words. Would 'love' give the wrong impression? Her feelings for Carla were completely platonic, but humans didn't tend to use that word to express non-romantic feelings unless they were talking about family.

Carla seemed to understand anyway, letting her head sink back down onto Alniss' shoulder. "I know."


	12. Chapter 12

Kalran put the final test tube into the centrifuge, then walked tiredly towards the door of the artificially-lit lab with its shiny white surfaces. Pulling off her safety glasses and shrugging off her lab coat, she put them both away in their proper place before heading to the toilets to wash her hands. A few minutes later, she was out of the building, carrying her lunchbox with her and heading towards the park across the street. The day was a little overcast, but Kalran always ate her lunch outside, except during thunderstorms. Not only did it allow her to appreciate the beauty of Earth more than she could in the dingy break room or clinical canteen, it also avoided her having to make small talk with her work mates. Most of them, in fact all of them bar the managers who'd hired her, thought she was human, and maintaining that ruse would be difficult if they got too friendly.

She settled herself on a bench that overlooked a green clearing surrounded by trees. A man dressed in brightly coloured lycra jogged doggedly past her, and she had to stop herself from following him with her eyes to admire the bright neon green of his T-shirt. That could lead to an awkward conversation if he saw her staring, she thought to herself, concentrating instead on the bright pink petals on a nearby bush. She pulled out her lunch- a pasta salad today- and settled back against the hard surface of the bench.

Before she had time to bring the first forkful to her mouth, however, the cell phone in her pocket rang. She took a moment to enjoy the sound of it as she pulled it out, but forced herself to answer it quickly.

"Hello?"

"Hey, slimy. How's it going?"

Kalran smiled slightly. The voice was Sara's, the nickname one of many slug or snail related ones she used from time to time.

"OK. How're you?" she said, then added a muttered: "monkey-brain." Even though there was nothing in that comment that would reveal her identity, she still glanced around nervously and kept her voice low.

"I happen to be descended from apes, not monkeys," Sara said in a mock-offended tone. "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out. There's a new Mexican place opened downtown, we should go before the Andalite tourists eat them out of enchiladas."

Kalran gave a snort of laughter.

"You can't talk. I still haven't got over last time, when you got ridiculously excited about the way the wine glass caught the light."

Kalran smiled at the memory, but the joy was short-lived. "Does this mean you've forgiven me?"

"For the wine glass? Never. It was extremely embarrassing."

Kalran shook her head automatically, even though Sara couldn't see her. "For not telling you about Carla."

"I already did. You said sorry a week ago, like three times."

Sara's voice was hard to read, and Kalran wished at that moment she was inside her head, so she could feel her host's emotions more clearly. "You were still angry then, though. I could sense it. It's harder down the phone."

"It's fine, honestly," Sara said emphatically, sounding sincere. "I wasn't angry with you, really, I was angry with her."

Kalran shifted uncomfortably on the bench. "If you knew her…"

"You're not going to change my mind, so don't even try. Do you want to go to this Mexican place tomorrow or not?"

"Sure. And thank you, Sara. You don't know how much I need this."

"No problem."

There was silence for a few moments, which Kalran didn't feel any need to fill. When you'd shared a mind with someone for so long, you could share silence comfortably. After a few seconds, though, Sara spoke again.

"This meal… it isn't just me."

That surprised Kalran. Hastily swallowing down the mouthful of pasta she'd been chewing, she asked: "Who else is going to be there?"

Sara took a deep breath, which Kalran recognised as the precursor to a long explanation. "The other day I was at the mall, and I ran into a couple of other ex-hosts. Not peace movement ones. We got chatting and eventually I ended up telling them about you and Oglud, and what happened at the Pool the other day. You remember Elsa from my memories, right?"

"I remember her from mine," Kalran said cautiously, unsure where this was going. "She threw a sweater at Visser Three and nearly got executed for it. Most of us remember that incident."

Sara snorted. "How could I forget that one? Anyway, she was absolutely _incensed_ on your behalf."

Kalran almost choked on a mouthful of her lunch. "What?"

"No, no, really… I'd told her the three of you were part of the peace movement and what had happened and how someone had tried to attack… well, she said a lot of stuff, but it basically boils down to she thinks humanity in general should show the peace movement a bit more appreciation for what they did, and she wants to take you to dinner."

" _What?!"_

Sara laughed. "Is that so odd? Elsa and the others want to say thank you. You risked starvation, torture and death every day for two years to fight for their freedom… our freedom. People _should_ treat you differently to the rest of your species. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking that."

"Maybe I should escape being spat at in the street and called filth, then, but there's really no need to treat me to enchiladas. I only did what was right."

"Elsa wants to. And that girl is stubborn as hell, so you'd better just give in gracefully."

The next day, Kalran waited outside the apartment block, shifting nervously from foot to foot. Even the sunset, with all its pinks, golds and reds, was failing to distract her. A small yellow car drew up after what seemed like an hour's wait, but was probably more like five minutes. Elsa had kindly offered to give her a lift, given the length of time it took to get the bus to the city centre from Kalran's neighbourhood. Kalran took a deep breath, clenching her fingers against her palm, and stepped towards the door.

It opened before she reached it, Elsa reaching over from the driver's seat to pull the handle. Sara was sitting in the back, one leg crossed over the other knee, which was an unusual position for her. Kalran looked at her host's face to get a better read on her emotions; anxiety, definitely. That made Kalran try to force down her own nerves; the last thing Sara needed was to pick up on Kalran's fear, too.

"Hi," Elsa said from the front, and Kalran turned her attention to her. The girl's long chestnut hair was loose around her shoulders, and she reached up to brush it away from her eyes. "Are you getting in?"

"Sorry," Kalran murmured, clambering into the front seat clumsily and pulling the door shut behind her.

Elsa smiled at her. "You can relax. Tonight's a thank you, remember?" She slid the car into drive and pulled away from the roadside.

"Okay," Kalran said hesitantly, trying to look less anxious.

"Huan, Alma and Kelly are meeting us there, and Illim and Adam are picking Ilkiss up," Sara said from the back. "That's everyone, Kal. There were more ex-hosts that wanted to come but I figured more than that and you might feel a bit outnumbered."

"I still don't like ex-host as a title," Elsa muttered. "I've yet to come up with a better one, though. Didn't Ilkiss have a host? Are they coming?"

"Sak's a Hork-Bajir," Sara pointed out. "I don't think they do bark fajitas, and he lives in Yellowstone."

"What about Oglud's host?" Elsa asked.

"Taxxon," Kalran answered. "Srynala lived with Ilkiss for a while, but she was lonely, she was the only Taxxon for miles. She went to join her fellows in the rainforest a few months ago."

"Poor Oglud," Sara muttered. "She'll miss her."

Elsa let out a bark of laughter, then seemed to realise how inappropriate it was. "Sorry. It's just that my Yeerks would have _loved_ it if I'd disappeared off to the rainforest, they wouldn't have been able to hear all the names I was calling them." Her face became more serious, and she glanced curiously at Kalran. "Would you miss Sara if she went off somewhere like that?"

Kalran nodded. "Yes." A smile appeared on her face. "By the Kandrona, it still feels amazing to say that out loud without fearing execution."

"Aww," Sara teased. "I'd miss you, too. Who would I use all my brilliant snail puns on?"

Elsa snorted as she turned off into a narrower network of streets, heading towards the multi-storey car park. Kalran felt herself relaxing slightly, and allowed her eyes to stray out of the window, watching the bustling of humans moving back and forth. It was that time in the early evening when the crowd was very mixed: the odd few stragglers still dressed in office clothes and people heading back with bags of shopping mingled with others heading out for the night.

As Elsa parked the car Kalran felt the knot in her stomach return, though she was soothed slightly by the promise that Ilkiss and Illim, and Illim's host Adam, would be there. She followed Elsa and Sara down the stairwell and out into the street, glancing nervously around her. The attack on the Pool had made her feel more fearful when walking around the city; it had only gone to show just what lengths humans might go to to hurt her. But her fear for herself was eclipsed by her terror for Oglud, who was so much more vulnerable.

A few minutes later, they were all sitting around a round, white-clothed table, listening to the sounds of cutlery clanking all around them, and cheerful guitar music playing quietly in the background. Kalran made eye contact with Ilkiss, who looked even more terrified than she felt, and tried to give him a reassuring smile, before taking a sip of wine.

Once they had ordered their food, Elsa looked around at them all, patiently waiting for a lull in the conversation between Sara and Alma before she spoke.

"Thanks for coming, everyone. I think all us humans know why we're here. We heard what some idiot tried to do to the Pool and… well, personally I realised it was long overdue that I said thank you to at least some of the Peace Movement. I… I know the risks you took to help all of us here were enormous, and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate what you've done. I think we'd all like to tell Kalran and Ilkiss that we want to help Oglud, too. From what Sara's told us she was in the peace movement as well, you all fought for us, and we'd like to help you in return."

Kelly, Huan and Alma nodded in agreement. "It's not fair, what's happened to you two especially," said Kelly, gesturing between Kalran and Ilkiss. "Not that I have any idea how Yeerk relationships work, but it can't be good."

Kalran glanced briefly at Ilkiss, but couldn't hold the eye contact. She wasn't sure exactly what Sara had told the others, but the separation from Oglud wasn't their only problem. Neither of them were sure if it was due to Oglud's absence or because they could no longer interact in their Yeerk form, but her and Ilkiss' feelings for each other had rapidly deteriorated after they'd trapped themselves as humans. Six months ago they'd mutually agreed not to refer to each other as mates anymore. Kalran felt a lump of tears forming in her throat at the thought. Yeerk tripartite bonds were meant to be built up over a lifetime; they were strong, and breaking them was incredibly painful, the more so the longer they'd been together. She supposed the same was true of humans, but human long-term relationships were much more likely to dissolve than Yeerk ones.

She felt a hand touch hers under the table, and glanced sideways to see Sara looking at her sympathetically. She squeezed her host's hand in an attempt at reassurance, and tried to force herself to tune back into the conversation.

"So I want to say thank you, too," Huan was saying, looking between the three Yeerks.

Alma must have said something as well while Kalran was lost in thought, as the humans fell silent after Huan's comment.

"You really don't need to thank us," Ilkiss said slowly. "It was the right thing to do, not a special extra that deserves gratitude."

Kalran nodded in agreement. "And our hosts deserve recognition too. They could have asked us to leave them and we would, of course, but they would have struggled to escape without being recaptured and revealing who we were. They didn't ask that of us. Most of them chose to fight… to accept infestation, which I'm sure you'll all agree is no small feat."

Sara shook her head emphatically at that. "Much as I'd like to accept the credit, and more importantly the free food, it was in our best interests to fight to save our own freedom. We didn't have much to lose. You had everything to lose and you could quite easily have stuck to the Empire line and not risked execution, but you made the right choice. That's why we've done this, so stop pretending you don't deserve it."

Kalran was saved from having to respond by the arrival of appetizers. She dug in hungrily to the pile of nachos, glad that the food meant she didn't have to find something else to say.

By the time the appetizers were finished, the conversation had turned to lighter topics.

"What are you doing now, then?" Elsa asked Kalran, apparently genuinely curious. "Do you work?"

Kalran nodded. "As a technician at the university's biology lab. I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone that, though. All my colleagues think I'm human."

Elsa frowned. "Any ex-hosts among them?" she asked, her tone forceful for the first time.

That hadn't really been a complication Kalran had thought of, but she could see Elsa's point. "Not that I know of. But if we told everyone who we were…"

Elsa nodded. "It's difficult, I guess. I imagine you'd get a lot of hate. But I wouldn't want to be working with a Yeerk and not know."

Kalran bit her lip and looked away. The idea of telling her colleagues that she was a Yeerk was unappealing at best and dangerous at worst, but Elsa's words had made her wonder whether it was a moral imperative. She didn't think that any of the people she worked with were former Controllers, but she didn't know for certain.

"Should I tell them?" she asked hesitantly, dreading the answer.

Elsa frowned and bit her lip, clearly undecided. "Not if you think it might get you hurt. You don't deserve that."

"I wouldn't." Sara came to Kalran's defence. "It could be dangerous, and even if it isn't it would probably make work miserable."

Elsa nodded slowly. "I understand that. Sorry, Kalran. I thought the work question would be light-hearted and avoid anything awkward. Should have thought more carefully." She paused. "So… er, seen any good TV lately?"

Kalran looked up at her, swallowing the last of her nacho. "I watch a lot of Discovery Channel. You know, natural history documentaries. Earth really does have fascinating biology."

Sara grinned in a way that told Kalran she was about to be teased. "She was moaning the other day that mammals were over-represented, though. We need to feature more molluscs, apparently."

Elsa laughed, and Kalran relaxed enough to smile. When the main course came, she was calm enough to feel hungry, and dug into her fajita with enthusiasm.

Kelly, who had been chatting to Illim and his host Adam, turned towards her.

"It's good food here, right?"

Kalran nodded. "Wonderful. It makes a change not to have cooked it: I'm usually the chef at home."

Kelly frowned slightly. "You know, I've been wondering how on Earth they found you guys all housing."

Kalran shifted uncomfortably. She knew there'd been a lot of ill feeling about this when they'd first been given the morphing power. While the influx of wealth California had received from trade deals with other planets and tourism associated with the Animorphs had helped with housing, some people were still resentful of Yeerks taking up homes and employment that, in their view, belonged to humans. The problem was made worse as human authorities had refused voluntary hosts as an option, and had given Yeerks the choice of morphing humans or non-sentients, as Hork-Bajir were considered incapable of consent. Kalran, who had had a Hork-Bajir host, disagreed with this. While Hork-Bajir might not be able to explain what DNA exactly was or how it worked, they understood the concept of making a copy of someone's body. And not all humans understood DNA either.

"I'm not sure. They managed. I'm in an apartment with five others: we share rooms in pairs."

"Did you get to choose who to live with?" Huan asked.

His question made Kalran belatedly realise that most of the table was now tuned into her conversation with Kelly, though Illim and Adam were still talking quietly to each other.

"No," Kalran answered. "They placed us at random, although they did make sure we shared rooms in same-gender pairs. The gender of our morphs, that is. Because obviously we're all the same and there couldn't possibly be any problems putting Yeerks of vastly differing political opinion together, but heaven forbid I have to share a room with a boy."

Kelly snorted with laughter, which was a relief. Kalran had realised as she was saying it that she might sound ungrateful, and was concerned about how it would be received.

"That's humans for you."

Feeling calmer, Kalran took another bite of fajita, trying to concentrate on the flavours, the sensory pleasures she was usually so grateful for. It was hard, though, as she still felt very nervous.

When they were nearly finished with their main courses, Elsa cleared her throat again, looking around until the other conversations died out. Kalran nervously put down her cutlery; Elsa was looking directly at her.

"Kalran, Ilkiss, we all want to help you campaign for a better deal for Oglud, and the others in the Pool. We wanted to say thank you today, but we also wanted to ask what we can do to help. Maybe if there was anyone willing to volunteer themselves as a host body… not that I'm signing up for _that_. But I'll help fight for other people's rights to do it, and given the number of voluntary hosts there were in the war there'd surely be some people willing to give Oglud and the others a chance."

"I'd do it," Sara said quickly. Adam nodded and made a noise of assent as well. "Only for the peace movement ones, but you could probably find hosts for the others."

Elsa nodded. "I'm sure we could. What can we do to help that happen?" She looked expectantly between Kalran and Ilkiss.

Kalran shook her head slowly. "Nothing. There's no point trying. Not that it isn't very generous of you to offer, but they'll never allow it."

Sara groaned frustratedly, burying her head in her hands. "You see how difficult she is?"

Kalran glanced sideways at her host. She was impressed that Sara was so keen to fight for a Yeerk's chance to see the world, to interact with their mates, but she also wished Sara would just give up on it. Every time she raised it felt like a blow to Kalran's chest.

"Who's they?" Kelly asked.

"The government, and more importantly the Andalites," Ilkiss said slowly. "They hate us."

Elsa stared at him. "The _Andalites?_ Excuse me, but whose planet are Oglud and the others on?"

"Yours," Illim said hastily. "But they still wouldn't be very happy with the humans if…"

"They weren't exactly happy with us about the _nothlit_ Yeerks, either," Adam pointed out. "And in fairness that _is_ their technology. They've got a lot less right to complain about this."

Ilkiss shook his head. "The Andalites are disgusted by the idea of infestation. Any infestation, voluntary or…" he glanced at Elsa, Kelly and Huan, and trailed off.

Elsa smiled. "Yep, I'm with them on that one. Don't like the slug in the ear thing _at all_ , not planning on ever signing up for it. Other things I don't like and will never willingly do include parachute jumps, touching spiders and eating spinach. But no-one is forcing me to do them, and no-one is going to force the Andalites or anyone else to host a Yeerk if they don't want to. If other people want a Yeerk that's their decision, isn't it? As long as we make sure it actually _is_ their decision."

"I can't imagine the Andalites agreeing with you," Kalran argued. "Although your attitude does you great credit, all of you, after everything you've been through."

"It's nothing to do with the Andalites," Huan said calmly. His dark eyes radiated steady purpose, resolve, something Kalran felt had disappeared from her own soul. "It's our soil, it's our planet, and it's our people's brains. If the Andalites want to ban their own from ever willingly taking on a Yeerk that's their business, but if we say it's OK for humans to do then they can't contradict us."

"I don't think the human government will ever say that," Ilkiss argued.

Elsa nodded. "It'll take work, sure. But we can try and campaign, pester them until they do something. Especially if you guys help."

Kalran felt like she was caught in a strong current, pulling the centre of her body down to the base of the Pool, away from the life-giving light of the Kandrona. "I can't. I've no strength left… it's like I've finally freed myself from _klisamu_ weeds, but the struggle has so exhausted me that all I can do now is sink." She looked between Illim and Ilkiss, the only two who would understand the simile.

The humans seemed to get the gist of it, though, as Sara touched her arm, and Elsa, Kelly and Huan looked at her pityingly. "I'm sorry, Kal," Sara muttered.

"What about you, Ilkiss?" Kelly asked. "Can you work with us?"

Ilkiss shook his head slowly.

"I can," Illim piped up from the other end of the table. "The Animorphs know who I am, too. That might help."

Kalran felt like she was fighting a weight on top of her head as she raised it to look at him. "That's very kind of you, _schrellatie,_ " she murmured. She saw the humans frown at the unfamiliar word, but didn't feel she had the energy to explain it.

Illim smiled, waving a hand to dismiss her praise. "I know people in there too," he said. "Not as close as you maybe, but a couple of siblings… some friends… I do worry about how vulnerable they are. The security seems to be good, for the most part, but they'd be safer dispersed in hosts, or in a few Pools in different locations. And trapped in the Pool forever without even the prospect of a host… it seems very unfair, after everything the rest of us have got."

Sara nodded. "Exactly." She glanced across at Kalran, the puzzlement and exasperation clear in her eyes.

Kalran looked away across the restaurant. Sara just didn't seem to understand how impossible even simple things felt at the moment, a feeling that was only getting worse with time. Sometimes Kalran struggled to even get out of bed; the thought of fighting a national, maybe even international campaign to make voluntary infestation legal made her feel so tired she wished she could curl up and sleep right there.

Kalran jumped slightly at a touch on her arm. Elsa was looking at her, and when she met the girl's eyes she saw at least an attempt at understanding in them.

"You okay?"

Kalran nodded slowly, even though she felt very far from okay. "Thank you," she said simply.

A slight upward movement played at the corner of Elsa's mouth. "Do you know what I did this afternoon? I took my little sister shopping for a few hours. _I_ took her. Me. Not Innis, because he was feeling a bit bad after all my begging, or even worse, Filit, because my parents had noticed I'd been spending no time with my family and she was worried about her cover. No, _I_ took her, and wandered round what seemed like an endless loop of stores and bought her a ridiculous top and chatted with her over ice cream. Thank _you_ for fighting for my freedom to do that."

"It wasn't just us… the Animorphs…"

"I reckon they get enough thank-yous. Marco Garcia's made millions from the war. You're shoved into a tiny apartment with other Yeerks you might not even get on with and have to hide who you are half the time and… well, I imagine you don't get much gratitude for what you've done."

"From Sara, sometimes," Kalran said, trying to keep her tone light. "When she's got enough breath to spare from all the slug puns."

"Well, I do have a whole _host_ of them," Sara piped up. "Get it?"

Kalran looked despairingly at Elsa, who was smirking. "That has to be one of your worst ones."

"Seriously, though," Sara continued. "We'll make sure Oglud's safe and we'll find them a host, Kal, whether you can help or not. Between the two of us we've enough stubbornness to sort out anything." She gestured between herself and Elsa.

Elsa laughed. "Yep. Though my stubbornness machine needs dessert first."

She passed a menu across to Kalran, who felt the first unforced smile she'd given in days appear on her face.

"So, what're you having?"


	13. Chapter 13

Carla stared into the bathroom mirror. The light in the room was harsh and unforgiving, making the shadows under Carla's eyes stand out more than they should, but she was still glad of it. She'd woken after a nightmare and somehow managed to sneak out of the bedroom without waking Alniss, something that was unprecedented. She'd needed a room without shadows to chase the darkness of the nightmare away.

Slowly, Carla reached up to the top of her right ear, pulling the skin down to expose the small, black S tattooed behind it. Looking at the tattoo sometimes soothed her, in the absence of a grave or a memorial, but Carla quickly let go again today. Her nightmare had been more of a memory, really, at least at first. Much as she'd loved Silrin, Carla's first trip to the Yeerk Pool proper had not been a pleasant experience, and while it hadn't in reality ended with Carla being pulled into a cage and approached by an involuntary with a knife, which had been the dream version, the real memory was still pushing in relentlessly at the edges of her mind.

 _The stairs were dark, rough-hewn and seemingly endless, the small electric lights on the damp stone walls placed too far apart to fully illuminate them. Carla felt nervous, a feeling she wasn't sure was entirely her own, as Silrin had been strangely quiet on their way to the mall, and had only got quieter as they'd moved into the Gap changing room and down through the secret entrance._

 _(It's okay,) Silrin said, clearly reading Carla's thoughts. (There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm sorry I've not been speaking much to you… I'm just hungry. This is when I eat.)_

 _(What's going to happen?) Carla asked, still feeling panicky._

 _(In about five minutes we'll reach a large cavern,) Silrin said softly. A picture of the cavern appeared in Carla's mind, then zoomed in to show a small lake filled with what looked like the same sludgy liquid Carla had encountered three days earlier, when the Yeerk had first entered her mind. (In the centre of the cavern is what we call a Pool. We Yeerks must enter the Pool to absorb nutrients and a kind of radiation called Kandrona rays. It's like when you eat, Carla… if I didn't do it, I'd die.) She paused to let that sink in. (I'll walk to the end of the pier and I'll leave your head and enter the Pool. One of the Hork-Bajir Controllers will look after you.)_

 _Another mental picture appeared, this time of a terrifying lizard creature, covered in blades, that must have been about seven feet tall. (The Hork-Bajir look fierce, but they are gentle creatures, and besides, this one will have a Yeerk in its head, just like me. They'll take you somewhere comfortable to wait for a few hours until I have fed, then I'll return to you.)_

 _(Where do I wait? Do I go back up to the mall? How will I know when I need to come back?)_

 _(No, you wait down here,) Silrin said quietly. (There's a room for you to wait in… I think it has a TV, and some snacks, that kind of thing.)_

 _(You think? Don't you know?) Carla knew Silrin had had a human host before… surely, she'd waited in the same place, so Silrin would know what it looked like even if she'd never been there herself._

 _There was a hesitation before Silrin answered, and Carla felt a strange disconnection from the Yeerk: she no longer had a sense of what Silrin was feeling. Before she could ask any more, however, a horrifying sound reached her ears: a long, blood-curdling scream._

 _Carla felt panic rising inside her mind, and instinctively tried to stop dead. Her body, however, carried on moving steadily for a few steps. Silrin turned Carla's head, looking all round them, before she came to a halt._

 _(It's OK,) she said soothingly._

 _Carla was in no mood to be soothed, though, as now she was listening more carefully she could hear other cries. (What's happening?)_

 _(It's fine. It's normal.) Silrin seemed uncomfortable, though Carla still couldn't feel the emotion when Silrin wasn't speaking._

 _(NORMAL?!) Carla exclaimed incredulously, trying desperately to think what could be causing the cries. (But… but Talen told me it doesn't hurt, she told me…)_

 _(It won't hurt,) Silrin said gently. (I'll release the same painkillers I did when I came in. I would never hurt you, Carla.)_

 _Carla tried to nod, and belatedly realised she actually had; Silrin must have released some control. She still couldn't move the rest of her body, or speak verbally, however. She believed the Yeerk, but that still didn't explain the source of the screams._

 _(OK. I trust you. But why are people screaming?)_

 _There was a long silence. (Not… not everyone wants their Yeerks back,) Silrin said quietly. (Some humans don't want to be infested.)_

 _Carla'd suspected as much, from the moment Talen had told her about the Yeerks. She didn't believe for a moment that every single person the Sharing approached had agreed to infestation, and if they let those ones who didn't go she was pretty sure the secret would have been out by now. But the screams... the cries… that was something she hadn't been prepared for._

 _As she stood there thinking, Carla became aware of another sound: footsteps on the stone behind them. Instantly, her body began to move again._

 _(Sorry,) Silrin said to her. (I can't be seen to just be standing here… they… they might…)_

 _Carla became aware of a cold dread from her Yeerk, and her anger at being moved again before she was ready evaporated. (It's OK.)_

 _Her terror only grew, though, as they went further down the stairs and she began to hear individual words within the cries._

" _No! No! No!"_

" _Go to hell, slug!"_

" _Help! Somebody help us!"_

 _Then they emerged into the cavern itself, and Carla wanted to stop dead again, wanted to turn and run away, but her body kept moving forward._

 _(If we ran away, I'd starve,) Silrin whispered to her._

 _Carla didn't want that to happen. She'd come to care about the Yeerk over the last few days, but her instinct was still to start running and never look back. There were cages down here, packed with people crying, screaming, holding each other or, what was strangely even worse, sitting silently, staring into space. Carla had never imagined such a sight, not even when she'd heard the screams._

 _Instinctively, Carla wanted to stare, but she felt her eyes being pulled away from the row of cages, fixing determinedly on a line of much calmer humans walking out to the end of a pier._

 _(Silrin… what… why…) Carla was lost for words._

 _(I wish we didn't have to do that to them,) Silrin said quietly. (I can hardly bear it myself. But we have to, Carla. Can't you imagine how the human governments would react if they found out we were here? They'd kill us all. They'd kill Talen… they'd kill me.)_

 _That did make some sense… if they let all those people go at once Carla knew the human government would probably attack them. (But why come to Earth at all?)_

 _(We're at war, Carla. There's another species called the Andalites… they hate us, they want to kill us all. Without hosts…) A picture of a small, green-grey slug appeared in Carla's head. (Without hosts we're blind, we can barely hear, our movement is very limited, and we're tiny, soft, vulnerable slugs. Take us out of liquid and we'd dry out and die within a few hours. Take us away from Kandrona and we'd die within a few days. The Andalites, on the other hand…) Another picture appeared in Carla's mind: a tall, swift four-legged creature with four eyes, two hands and a sharp scorpion tail. (Without hosts, we could never win against the Andalites. They'd kill us all.)_

 _Carla felt desperately torn. How much could she really do to help those people? All she'd manage to accomplish would be to join them. But how could she just do nothing when…?_

 _(Oh, Carla, please don't.)_

 _Silrin's distress was so palpable it was physical, turning Carla's stomach and making tears prickle behind her eyes._

 _(Don't fight, please. You're right, it would accomplish nothing and we… we get on well, don't we? You like me being here, you care about me already, despite how strange this is for you. And I care about you, too… it would hurt me to see you hurt, I'd miss the conversations we have… please…)_

 _Carla felt another wave of emotion hit her at Silrin's words. She did care about Silrin… she'd never had a relationship this intimate before, her relationship with her mother having been troubled and increasingly distant as she got older, and her relationship with her father non-existent as far as she could remember. While she'd only known the Yeerk three days, the depth of their mind-to-mind contact made it feel much longer. Silrin had shown her a depth of understanding and kindness that she'd thought only existed in dreams and Disney movies, and Carla was desperate not to disappoint her._

 _As she was thinking this, however, two Hork-Bajir passed them bearing a woman between them. The woman was flailing her legs, making a loud clanging sound as she kicked helplessly against the metal pier._

" _Get your hands off me, filth!" She screamed frantically, her eyes roaming desperately over the line of impassive people queuing to release their Yeerks into the sludgy pool._

 _Carla would have felt sick, if the link between her emotions and the bodily expression of them wasn't interrupted by Silrin. The woman passed them, the sound of her kicks and screams getting fainter as she was taken away down the pier. Silrin kept their eyes facing forwards. They were close to the front of the line, now, and one of the huge lizards- Hork-Bajir, Carla reminded herself- turned to face them._

" _Name?"_

" _Silrin six-nine-three," Silrin replied formally, not a trace of her turbulent emotions audible in her voice._

 _The Hork-Bajir peered at a small handheld device that looked a little like a TV remote, except that it contained a screen, and pressed something on it._

" _First time host," it stated. "Voluntary or cage?"_

 _(Carla,) Silrin said inside her head. (Carla, I need to tell him… are you going to try and fight?)_

 _(I…) Carla hesitated. She wanted to look around, to look back at the caged hosts, but of course she couldn't. (I don't know.)_

" _Glahish!" The Hork-Bajir said. Carla didn't understand the word, but from Silrin's reaction it sounded like he was telling her to hurry up._

 _(Please, Carla,) Silrin moaned._

 _The panic in the Yeerk's tone shocked her. She'd never heard Silrin sounding anything but calm and gentle until today. She was clearly desperate to keep their friendship, even though she'd have total control of Carla's body either way. Carla didn't think anyone else in her life had ever cared so much about what she thought of them, and it was that realisation that made her decision._

 _(I won't fight. I promise.)_

 _Carla felt a tsunami of relief and joy flowing into her from Silrin, who spoke immediately._

" _Voluntary," she said, unable to keep a small smile from creeping onto Carla's face._

" _Hashik… certain?"_

" _Certain."_

 _The Hork-Bajir pressed another button on his device, nodded curtly, and gestured them towards the edge of the pier, where another group of Hork-Bajir were waiting. The queue ahead of them had cleared in the time Carla had spent making her decision._

 _Silrin stepped forward and knelt down at the edge of the water. Two of the Hork-Bajir moved a little closer._

" _Voluntary?" one of them confirmed._

 _Silrin nodded. "Yes. She doesn't know where she's going… she's nervous… can you…?"_

 _One of the Hork-Bajir nodded again. "I'll take care of her," she said reassuringly._

 _Silrin nodded. "Alsh'mara," she said to the Hork-Bajir, before lowering her head so Carla's ear dipped below the surface of the water._

 _(I'll see you in a few hours,) Silrin said softly. (Thank you, Carla, you've done so well with all of this.)_

 _(Enjoy your dinner,) Carla managed to say despite her nerves, wanting to reassure Silrin that she still liked her, though of course that was pointless. Silrin could see, couldn't she?_

 _(Thank you. Keep your head as still as you can until I've left your ear. The Hork-Bajir Controller will take you from there.)_

 _(OK,) Carla said, then felt the strange sensation of a gradual loss of contact with Silrin's emotions and consciousness. Then, she felt parts of her body gradually coming back under her own control- her right foot, then her right leg, travelling all up that side of her body before releasing her left side. Finally, she felt the strange, anaesthetised feeling of Silrin moving through her right ear canal, until the tip of Silrin's tail slid over the base of Carla's ear, and she felt safe enough to slowly move her head, pushing herself up onto her feet._

 _The Hork-Bajir from earlier was standing close to her, a hand hovering over her shoulder but not touching. "I am Miliss," the Hork-Bajir said, her words slow. Carla would later find out that slowing speech down to an almost glacial rate was one of the few ways to counteract the tendency of Hork-Bajir brains to mix languages. She removed a device like the one the other Hork-Bajir had had from a belt around her waist, and glanced at it. "You are Carla?"_

" _Yes."_

 _Miliss nodded. "I'll take you to the lounge. You can wait there. Come with me, please." Miliss waved a Hork-Bajir arm, beckoning Carla to her side, and began the long walk back down the steel pier. Carla could see the cages more clearly now, her eyes drawn constantly back to them now she was back in control. Her eyes fixed on a man, smartly dressed as though he had come from some high-flying job, sobbing uncontrollably in a corner, then travelled to a young woman who was screaming, spitting and swearing as she was dragged from her cage by the guards._

 _Carla felt a shudder go through her body as she watched the Hork-Bajir dragging the woman away towards a second pier, which was full of similar scenes of anger and despair._

" _So, Carla," Miliss began from next to her, "what do you do, up there?" she gestured towards the stairs leading out of the Pool. "Do you work?"_

 _Carla shrugged. "Sometimes. Not right now, though. I… I was kind of in a bad place when I joined the Sharing. They said they'd be able to find me a job, though, once they'd sorted out some other stuff."_

 _Miliss nodded. "I'm sure we will. What did you do when you were working?"_

 _Carla wasn't sure why the Yeerk was so interested, but felt rude ignoring her, even though her mind kept being distracted by the things she could see and hear. They were rapidly leaving the pool and its cages behind, though, heading towards the buildings that lined the cavern's edge._

" _Lots of different stuff. Retail. Cleaning. Serving in restaurants and bars. I liked that last one the best." Carla glanced away, looking at a collection of strange worm-like creatures that were congregating near to one of the buildings, hissing excitedly. Taxxons, she reminded herself._

" _That's great. I think they always need skilled servers at the Sharing. Though it depends on your Yeerk's skill set, too. What did she do before you, do you know?"_

 _Carla pulled her gaze back to Miliss'. "I think she was a fighter pilot, for a while."_

 _Miliss made a strange clicking sound with her beak, which Carla took for a sign of admiration based on the words that followed. "Wow, she sounds brave. Skilled, too, you have to have fast reactions for that kind of work. What host body did she have for that, then? Was it a Taxxon?"_

" _I think so. She said they have naturally quick reactions and they're very nimble," Carla recited. They were now approaching a doorway in the side of one of the buildings, which Miliss held open for her. As soon as it shut, the cries and shouts became markedly quieter. Instead, Carla could hear the sound of a TV, and gentle chatter._

" _This is where you'll wait," Miliss said. "I'll show you round." She'd reached another door, which she opened to reveal an assortment of humans, Hork-Bajir and Taxxons, spread across a large room. On the back wall there was a large TV surrounded by comfortable chairs, sofas and beanbags. Shelves full of videos covered the wall nearest to them, and there were small tables dotted around among the chairs. Looking away from there, to her left, Carla saw a long table with an assortment of drinks and snacks, although it was a very strange assortment. There were no chips or cookies, as you might expect. Instead, carrot batons and dips, dried fruit and nuts seemed to feature heavily, along with small sandwiches on brown bread, bowls of salad and platters of fresh fruit. Alongside these things, however, were bowls of what Carla was almost certain was tree bark._

" _You can take any snacks and drinks you want," Miliss said. "We put human and Hork-Bajir foods in here; Taxxons have a connecting corridor through to their feeding sheds, because their food can be rather more messy. There's a TV area if you want to use it here too." She stepped further into the room, beckoning Carla to follow her. Just after the TV area, the wall came in a little, making a narrower space, and there were several doors off to the right, going into the cavern wall. "This is the access route to the Taxxon feeding sheds. Don't go down there: Taxxons are dangerous when they're feeding. This leads to the bathrooms for Hork-Bajir… again, you probably won't want to use that."_

 _A little more relaxed now she could no longer hear or see what was going on outside, Carla smiled._

" _This you might want to use," Miliss said, indicating the third door. "It'll take you down to the bathroom for humans. We've got showers down there too, if you ever want to use them." Once they walked past the door to the bathrooms, the room opened up again into a wider space. A few exercise bikes and treadmills were lined up against the walls, and there was a space in the centre with a smooth floor and no carpet. Energetic music played from a stereo on the wall, and there was a rack of CDs beneath it. As well as humans pedalling away on the exercise bikes, there were a few Hork-Bajir doing some sort of bizarre dance in the open space._

" _Our exercise area," Miliss said, continuing to walk past towards a door in the wall at the far end. Once it was opened, Carla could see a smaller room containing a range of comfortable chairs, couches and cushions, this time with books and magazines dotted about on tables, and a stereo in the corner which was playing calm, quiet music. "This is our quieter space." She pointed to a door at the far end of the room. "That door leads through to sub-Visser 150's command room… her office, if you like. She's in charge of managing existing hosts for this sector. She might want to talk with you today, just to see how you are. She'll come and find you, if that's the case, and someone will come for you in about two hours, to take you to the Pool for Silrin."_

 _Carla nodded. "Okay."_

 _Miliss made a facial expression that Carla didn't understand, lifting the upper part of her bird-like beak towards her eyes and slightly sideways to the left, while the lower part moved sideways to the right. She hoped that was a smile. "Do you need anything else?"_

 _Carla shook her head, then realised this might be as foreign to Miliss as Miliss' expression had been to her. "No, thank you."_

" _I'll leave you, then," Miliss said gently. "Enjoy."_

 _Carla watched Miliss' bladed back retreat as she sank into a squashy armchair, thoughts and emotions racing through her mind._

Carla abruptly came back to the reality of the bright, white bathroom at a tap on the door.

"Hey," someone was whispering. "You okay in there?"

Carla hastily reached up to wipe at the salty tracks of tears on her cheeks. She hadn't even realised she'd been crying. Clicking the lock back as quietly as possible, she came face-to-face with Kalran.

"Carla? Couldn't sleep?"

She shook her head.

"Want to talk about it? You look upset." Kalran's voice was gentle, coaxing, her body leaning forwards slightly as she asked the question.

Carla, however, felt this was the last person in the apartment she wanted to explain her dream to. Kalran would probably sympathise with any involuntary who wanted to hurt Carla, although maybe not quite to the extent of knifing her. "You wouldn't understand."

Kalran shrugged. "Maybe not. Well, I'm always ready to talk if you ever feel like seeing if that's true." She paused. "Can I get you anything? A cup of tea, maybe?"

Carla had expected Kalran to push a little harder for an answer- any of the other Yeerks would have done, and Alniss would not have rested until Carla told her everything that was going on in her mind. A hot drink and a bit of aimless chatter sounded a lot better than rehashing her dream, and she found herself nodding. "Okay. Thanks."

A few minutes later, they were seated in the living room, hot mugs of camomile tea resting on the scratched coffee table. There was silence for a few minutes, but Carla could feel herself beginning to slip back into unpleasant memories, so hastened to find something to say. "How come you're awake at this time, anyway?"

Kalran looked at her hesitantly. "Sometimes I just don't sleep well."

Carla said nothing, looking steadily back at her.

"I guess… I miss Oglud and Ilkiss, and, well… lots of things, I suppose." Kalran shook her head slightly. "Anyway, you don't need to listen to all my problems."

That reminded Carla of something she'd wanted to ask Kalran for a while, but she'd never been sure if it was the right time. "I… I know you don't think there's any way you can help Oglud get out of the Pool, but I was wondering… would you mind if I tried to do something to help them?"

Kalran smiled. "I don't have a monopoly on trying to help those Yeerks, you know, just because my mate happens to be one of them. Of course you can try, if you want to."

Carla felt a rush of surprise: she hadn't expected Kalran to say yes. She felt a smile creeping onto her face for the first time that night. "What can I do? Who have you already tried asking- you said Cassie, right?"

Kalran nodded. "The state governor, the president, anyone in congress I thought would be vaguely sympathetic… various lower-ranking politicians… I even wrote to a couple of newspapers. One interviewed me, but the piece she wrote was just about how horrific involuntary infestation was and how sorry I was for my part in it. Which is fair enough, in my view… I'm not saying I don't need to answer for what I did, not at all, but they didn't mention anything about Oglud or the others, anything about what I had done to fight the Empire… Sara was fuming when she saw it."

Carla jerked slightly at the mention of Sara's name, feeling suddenly ill. Kalran noticed.

"She wouldn't hurt you, you know. It's not in her nature."

Carla said nothing, looking down at the ground. She could feel tears pricking behind her eyelids.

"I'm sorry," Kalran said gently, sounding sincere. "I shouldn't have mentioned her."

Carla shrugged. "She's your host," she said, straining to sound nonchalant and relaxed. "Of course you're going to talk about her." Carla averted her eyes, looking towards the kitchen area. A few clean mugs were stacked on the draining board, but otherwise it was extremely tidy. Menhal's work: he was incredibly neat. Carla had wondered in the past whether that was something to do with the genetic mix of his human morph, or part of his Yeerk personality.

Kalran didn't speak for a while, and when she did her voice was hesitant. "If you're feeling guilty, remember that I've hurt her far more than you ever could."

Carla frowned slightly, but still didn't meet Kalran's eyes. "Who said I was feeling guilty? Anyway, you can't have hurt her, you were in the peace movement."

"Not at first. Not until I'd been in her over a month."

Kalran's voice was cracking, which made Carla finally raise her eyes to meet hers. When she did, she saw they were full of tears. Carla felt at a loss to say something to make the Yeerk feel better. Her instinctive response, which was that Sara would have suffered less by accepting the situation and trying to befriend Kalran, would certainly not be well-received.

"She seems to like you now," Carla said gently, after half a minute's silence. "A lot more than she likes me."

Kalran nodded shakily. "Yes. She's incredibly forgiving."

"Well, you must have done something right. And… you're really kind, or you seem that way, anyway. I'm sure she could've got someone worse than you, even at the start."

"That's not really the point… but thank you." Kalran took another sip of her tea. The tears had stopped coming, now, but they still left glistening tracks on her face. "Are you sure you're alright?"

Carla sighed. "No."

Kalran said nothing, but slowly set the tea down, her eyes never leaving Carla's face.

"I… my dream… it was about my first time at the Pool."

Kalran nodded. "Mmm," was all she said, the noise inviting.

"I mean, it wasn't accurate. In the dream I somehow ended up in a cage and someone tried to…" she broke off, looking down. "But then, after I woke up, I started remembering properly."

"It seems like it's a distressing memory for you."

Carla looked down at the worn carpet. "I guess… I mean, it wasn't… I liked Silrin, even then. I was glad when she came back in my head."

"Mmm," Kalran murmured again.

"I… it was the others."

"Others? Other Yeerks?"

Carla shook her head. "The… the humans. The ones who didn't…" she trailed off. "I- I don't want to- I can't talk about it," she said in a rush, still avoiding eye contact.

"That's okay."

Carla took a few deep, shuddering breaths, trying to stop herself crying. "I'm sorry."

Kalran frowned. "Why are you apologising to me?"

Carla looked at her, confused. "I'm wasting your time."

Kalran's eyes widened. "Of course you're not." She sighed. "This is one of the times I miss my Yeerk body. It's so hard to communicate accurately like this."

Carla knew what she meant. With Silrin, emotions had almost always come with words: she could feel things like warmth and honesty coming across to her whenever the Yeerk spoke. Sometimes, words weren't even needed: the emotions were enough. "I feel like that too," Carla said quietly. "I miss being infested… that's probably wrong, isn't it?"

"No," Kalran said emphatically but softly, drawing out the vowel. "Of course it isn't."

There was silence for a few minutes. Carla slowly sipped her tea, trying to concentrate on the taste like Silrin had taught her.

"You know… Ilkiss and I are going to see Oglud in three days. Do you want to come with us?"

Carla looked up sharply, frowning. "You're not thinking of putting Oglud in my head, are you? What'd they do to her if someone found out?"

"Of course not!" Kalran looked horrified, and Carla instantly regretted what she'd said. "By the Kandrona, they'd kill her! No… I just thought you might want to talk to her… I suppose I should say them." Kalran shook her head exasperatedly. "Your language needs more pronouns… anyway, you don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought you might like to meet each other. It raises her spirits a lot whenever I tell her about someone who's on her side, who wants things to change."

"Oh. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking straight. Of course you wouldn't risk… but I'd love to meet her!"

Kalran's face was split by a joyful smile. "That's wonderful! We were going to leave here at six Wednesday night- is that okay?"

Carla nodded, yawning as she did so. "That sounds perfect," she said, setting her empty mug down.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:** Sorry it's been a while since my last chapter. I hope you enjoy this one!

Sara pulled a blue plate from a cupboard and emptied a pack of Oreos onto it before pouring water into her coffee maker and looking at her watch. Five minutes. She walked across to the tall fridge at the other side of the kitchen, taking out the milk and pouring it into a small blue jug before returning it and taking seven mugs out of another cupboard. Once she'd arranged these next to the coffee maker, which was just beginning to drip coffee through into the large glass jug below it, she heard the first ring of the buzzer. She hurried through into the hallway and lifted the intercom off the hook.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Adam, and… uh…"

"Ian," Illim's voice supplied quickly.

Sara shook her head, smiling to herself. How had Adam not memorised his Yeerk's alias by now? "Sure, come on up," she said, pressing the button that would let them into the building. Her cell phone buzzed in her pocket.

 _There in 10. Sorry, lost my alarm clock a few years ago. Was an Innis 457 edition, grey in colour. Still enjoying the lie-ins. Elsa._

Sara snorted with laughter as she opened the door, revealing Illim and Adam.

"Morning," Adam said as he stepped over the threshold.

"Hi. There's coffee in the kitchen if you want any." The buzzer went again, and Sara gestured Illim and Adam through into the kitchen while she answered it, letting in Kelly and Huan, followed in a couple of minutes by Alma. They all settled in the living room with coffee.

"Elsa's going to be a bit late," Sara explained to the group at large. "I guess we should wait. She should be here in around five minutes."

Kelly smiled knowingly. "If that's what she told you, then I'd double it. She doesn't do punctual. Well, she can manage for work and that, but anything else…"

"Maybe we should start without her, then," Huan said. "We can always catch her up later. I have a lot of studying to do this afternoon."

"I'll swap it for my grading," Adam groaned. "Illim, are you sure I can't guilt-trip you into doing it any more?"

"Not since that one you showed me by the boy who thought Yeerks entered the brain by being shoved through the nose with a hook."

Sara grimaced. "Ouch. That sounds even worse than the real thing. Where'd he get that from?"

"I can only assume he got us mixed up with the Ancient Egyptians," Illim said.

This only confused Sara further- History had never been her strongest subject.

"That's how they extracted the brains for mummification," Adam explained, in response to her continued frown.

Well, that made a little more sense, but still… "Why were they writing about Yeerks, anyway?"

"We've all got to teach recent history now. For some reason it's fallen to history teachers to talk about the Yeerk war, which I guess makes sense. I thought I'd love it, at first- I could talk about what Illim and I did in the war, give them some personal experience… but all they want to hear about is the Animorphs. And half the time not what the Animorphs actually did in the _war_ , but what they're doing _now,_ and you have to try and drag your lesson back from how many cars Marco has, or how hot Jake Berenson looked on that interview he did last month." Adam paused, and his face became more serious. "And then, of course, you've got the children who get tearful or ask to leave class for a bit because they were infested, or they knew someone who was."

Illim shifted uncomfortably, crossing one leg over the other and biting his lip.

"Maybe we should start," Sara said quickly, hoping to steer the conversation away from teens traumatised by infestation. "Elsa won't be long."

Alma nodded. "Maybe you could tell us what you and Kalran've done already. That might give us some ideas of what else we could try."

"Okay." Sara took a deep breath and a sip of her coffee before continuing. "When they offered the Yeerks the morphing power, my Kal and both her mates agreed to take it. I was with her while she was waiting out the two hours: she'd used some of my DNA, and I wanted to be… it was a big change for her. Ilkiss, her other mate, had already trapped himself: he waited with us as well. Once she was a _nothlit_ , we all came out to immediately be told that there'd been a problem- Oglud couldn't take the morphing power. They waited until Kalran was trapped to tell her- to tell any of us- if she'd known, she could have demorphed, but of course they wouldn't want a Yeerk with the morphing power proper. I remember her and Ilkiss begging to go and talk to Oglud- there's a pool communication system that would make that possible, apparently. They refused."

Sara took another sip of coffee, her hand gripping the handle so tightly that her knuckles had turned white.

"Kalran and Ilkiss went back every day to beg them for a month. They wrote to the governor. They wrote to the President, though I doubt he looked at the letters. They wrote to Cassie Williams. They asked everyone they could think of. I did too. Eventually, nine months later, they let them start going to talk to Oglud. It was the first time they'd been able to see how Oglud was feeling about being allergic, the first time they'd been able to discuss what it meant for them as a … I want to say couple and I always forget what the right word is…"

"Tripartite," Illim supplied.

"Thanks. So anyway, that first meeting it was clear how miserable Oglud and the others were, even though Kal said Oglud was trying to hide it. Kal was so upset, but when I suggested trying to campaign to get Oglud a host she just looked at me for ages, like I was mad. She and Ilkiss just didn't believe they could do anything… and she was exhausted from everything she'd already done just to be able to talk to someone she loved."

Sara swallowed hard, realising her eyes were wet. "I kept trying anyway. I wrote to everyone I could think of: any politicians whose details I could get, journalists, every single one of the Animorphs, and their families. I got two replies: one from Cassie, saying how sorry she was, but that the political climate made it impossible for her to do anything, and to let her know if there were any problems with Kalran going to see Oglud. I think it must have been her who made that possible."

Illim nodded. "That sounds about right. Cassie's very sympathetic to us."

"Who else replied?" Huan asked. "Maybe they might be able to help."

"Eva Garcia," Sara muttered. "And definitely not. Her letter was very scathing: she's the only one I've stopped writing to. The rest I write to every month. I reckon the letters just go in the bin now, though."

"What did she say?" Alma asked curiously.

Sara glanced nervously at Illim. Eva's letter had been truly horrible about Yeerks.

"It's fine," Illim said with a bitter smile. "I'm used to insults."

Sara sighed. "She said that all the Yeerks would have been sent back to the cesspools on their planet if she'd had anything to do with it. Oh, and she didn't see any difference between me and a voluntary."

Huan winced. "That's awful."

"That was the nicer bit."

"I don't think we can really blame her," Illim said. "She must have suffered so much…"

"So did I," Kelly said sharply. "So did Huan and Alma, and even you, Sara, at first."

Sara felt a spike of irritation. "Are you seriously comparing Kalran to Visser One?"

"Well, okay, not you then. But we all suffered."

Tidwell leaned forward. "Eva was forced to fake her own death and leave behind a grieving husband and nine-year-old son. That must have affected her. Not to mention I'm sure Edriss was a pretty horrible Yeerk to have."

"As bad as the one Elsa had, who told her if Elsa didn't behave they'd 'forget' to buy her little sister a birthday present? She dropped all resistance for a whole month, and then they didn't get one anyway. And they kept playing back the memory of how disappointed little Annie looked."

Illim made a strangled, choking noise. "By the Kandrona, why would a Yeerk…"

"Sadism," Kelly said shortly. "Elsa had better Yeerks than that over the years, of course. I guess Eva was stuck with a horrible one for a long time, but still… and she must have a better idea than most people about how horribly the Yeerks punish traitors."

Illim shuddered, shifting to sit closer to Adam's side. There was a long silence, broken only by the sound of clinking cups as people sipped their drinks.

 _Brrring!_

The atmosphere was so tense that the sound of the buzzer made Sara jump, her coffee sloshing in its cup and nearly spilling. She tried to slow her breathing as she hurried to the door. A minute later, she was opening the door to a slightly harried-looking Elsa.

"Sorry I'm late."

Sara smiled. "The amusing text made up for it. I'm amazed how many things you manage to blame on the Yeerks."

Elsa grinned. "You've noticed that, have you? It's a great excuse."

"Come on through. I've got coffee."

"Brilliant. What've I missed?"

"Not much. I was just telling them what Kalran and I have already tried," Sara explained as she walked back down the hall to the kitchen.

Elsa was soon seated on the sofa with a large mug and a pile of cookies, which she was munching hungrily.

"Didn't get time for breakfast?" Kelly asked teasingly.

Elsa swallowed. "Nope. Anyway, I'm still enjoying being allowed to eat cookies for breakfast. Worst thing about Yeerks is how much they refuse to let you eat junk food."

"Not Kal. She loves anything with copious amounts of fat and sugar. Mainly Ben and Jerry's ice cream."

"How's she doing?" Elsa asked through a mouthful of Oreos.

Sara felt her stomach twist, the tension in her shoulders returning. "I… I don't think very well."

The others leant forward concernedly, Elsa lowering the cookie she'd been moving towards her mouth and placing it on the tabletop.

"I'm worried about her. She just seems very… dull. Things don't seem to interest her as much as they used to. She keeps telling me she's fine, but I can tell she's not. She's always got shadows under her eyes, too, like she's not sleeping."

"Bless her," Alma murmured. "Poor thing."

"I… I don't know what to do to make things better." Sara shook her head. "Anyway, I suppose you don't all need to hear this."

"It's fine," Elsa said quickly. "I imagine 'the friend that used to be inside my head seems depressed' isn't a problem you can talk about with just anyone."

"I just… she keeps saying she's fine, but I worry about her. That probably seems really weird to you, worrying about your Yeerk, but…"

"It's not weird to me," Adam said with a smile. "This one's just passed his driving test. I live in constant terror now." He jerked a thumb at Illim.

Illim lifted his nose into the air haughtily. "I'll have you know I used to pilot Bug Fighters. And I picked up most of my driving skills from you."

"Exactly. That's why I'm worried."

Sara smiled despite herself.

"You were telling us who you'd written to," Kelly said, after a moment's pause.

"Yeah. Well, none of the Animorphs or their families have replied so far, though I keep writing every month."

"Do you have any contact with them?" Elsa said, looking across at Illim and Adam. "You did in the war, right?"

Illim nodded. "We did. But not since then… I suppose if Adam wrote and asked to meet Cassie she might come, but it's very much a maybe. I think she's ridiculously busy right now."

"You could try," Huan said. "It can't hurt."

"We could all write to her," Elsa said decisively. "And the rest of the Animorphs, and their families. Marco's mother had political experience before she was infested, as well, I wonder if…"

"No," everyone else said at once.

"I was just telling the others before you came… she's the only one I've stopped writing to. She wrote me a letter back that made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with this," Sara said, in response to Elsa's puzzled frown.

"OK, not her, then. What else could we do? Leaflets through doors, maybe?"

"People will probably complain about that," Illim said hesitantly. "Most humans hate us."

Elsa smiled across at Kelly conspiriatorially. "People might complain? Goodness, I don't know if I can cope with that… alien slugs taking over my life, sure… alien laser gun fights, no problem… but people complaining? The horror!"

Kelly grinned back at her, and Sara smiled slightly too.

"So," Huan said, "Illim and Adam, you'll contact Cassie Williams. The rest of us will write to everyone we can think of- except perhaps Eva- and we'll deliver leaflets. Who's going to design them? Alma, you study advertising, yes? Fancy the job?"

Alma looked uncertain. "I do, but I'm not sure what to do with these… I mean, Illim's right, most people will probably hate us for even delivering them. And what if they upset someone who was a host?"

Sara tensed at that.

"I think between us four we're pretty well set to tell whether it's going to upset an ex-involuntary or not," Elsa pointed out.

"I dunno," Kelly said quietly. "People respond pretty differently… I mean, Eva doesn't even want to help the peace movement…" Kelly hesitated, studying Elsa's face as if to gauge her reaction. "And at the other end of the scale… you were cosying up to voluntaries a few months ago."

The rest of them stared at Elsa, Sara included. "What? You don't mean me, do you?" Sara exclaimed, unable to make any other sense of Kelly's remark.

Kelly turned towards her quickly. "Of course not, Sara! I'd never count you as one of them. You were trying to free us, and besides you hated it as much as we did."

"Not quite as much as you did. Kal's a good person, and I like having her around. Prefer having her around now when she's not in my head, of course, but…" Sara looked back at Elsa. "What does she mean?"

Elsa swallowed a mouthful of coffee, giving Kelly an irritated look. "If I can just correct a few things… it wasn't _cosying up_ , it was saying hello and asking how someone was, it was voluntary in the single not the plural, and I've been doing the same thing with anyone I meet who I recognise, so it wasn't just a few months ago. So if we change every single word in that sentence then you'd be spot on. And I'd also like to change the words 'one of them', because as I think I pointed out at the time, that really isn't helpful."

"You're still not making any sense." Huan looked surprised, but continued with: "and besides, it isn't really relevant to the meeting."

"Yes it is. I admit I wasn't planning to bring it up this time, because I wasn't sure how you'd all react, but there's not much point fighting for these Yeerks to have the right to take hosts if there're no hosts for them to take."

"There's Sara and Adam," Kelly pointed out.

Illim gave a hesitant smile. "I think there are more than two Yeerks in that Pool."

"Exactly. And besides, I'm not sure about you, Sara. You just said right now you weren't keen on having Kal in your head, even though you like her. I don't think you should have to force yourself to put up with infestation just because you feel bad for Oglud."

Sara glanced away. Elsa was right… Sara'd never liked having Kal in her mind, even though she'd agreed to it to help with the fight and because the alternative was almost certainly getting recaptured and her new Yeerk finding Kalran out. Kal had asked her every time she re-entered her mind if she was still sure she wanted to do this, because Sara dreaded it so much.

"And Adam," Elsa was asking, "are you thinking of hosting a Yeerk full-time, so to speak, or a few hours a week?"

"I'd happily do full time." Adam looked hesitant. "I never minded the infestation itself, once I got used to it, I just didn't want other people to be forced into it."

"Okay. Would you want a peace movement Yeerk, or would you take anyone?"

"Peace movement," Adam said instantly. "Or, well, I suppose I'd consider a Yeerk who'd never taken an involuntary host. I couldn't live with someone who directly experienced what the Empire did and thought it was okay, or just did nothing about it."

Elsa looked back at Huan. "I know Sara and Adam can't be assumed to represent all the peace movement hosts, but are you hearing the problem here?"

"Yes and no," Huan said. "I don't see why we owe the Empire Yeerks anything."

Illim made a slight sound, then stopped himself.

"Go on," Kelly said gently.

Illim still looked hesitant. "I was just going to say… I can understand how you feel about the Yeerks who weren't in the movement, but… it seems a little unfair that some of them are wandering around with their very own morphed bodies, if we're not going to give the others the same chance."

Alma nodded. "I see what you mean."

Sara looked across at Elsa. "Are you saying we need to reach out to _them_?" Sara gave the same inflection to the word _them_ that she used to give the word 'slug' when being taken back to the pool for reinfestation. "Are you completely insane?"

Elsa grinned. "Nope, there are bits of me missing," she quipped.

"Not funny."

"OK, then yes, I am saying that. We need people who are willing to host non-peace movement Yeerks, people who actually like having a Yeerk in their head. I don't think we're going to manage to find enough if we rule voluntaries out. And if we're going to talk to politicians, it would probably help if we could demonstrate that there are enough people interested in doing it to make it worthwhile for them."

Kelly made a groaning sound. "Can we at least volunteer you for that liaison project, Elsa? I don't want to go anywhere near them."

Elsa nodded. "I'd be happy to do it. The problem is so far none of the voluntaries are willing to go anywhere near _me_. Kelly, you saw, didn't you, Carla wouldn't even look at me."

"Carla?" Sara's eyes widened in surprise. "There's a Carla living with Kalran."

"Sara!" Illim exclaimed loudly. "You can't just tell people where voluntary hosts are living!"

Sara turned to glare at him. "I can. In fact, I just did."

"It puts her in danger," Illim protested, glaring right back. "It's not fair. I'm sure when Kalran told you she didn't imagine you'd pass it onto anyone else."

Sara snorted. "Yeah, well, Kalran didn't see fit to tell me. I found out myself, when I went over to see her after that attack on the Pool."

Elsa leant forward. "It's useful information, though, and I'm sure no-one here will hurt her. Will you?" She paused to glance around at the others, who all slowly shook their heads, Kelly with a sour expression on her face. "Do you know if Kalran's told her about Oglud?"

"No. No, I don't know, that is."

"Can you find out? And then maybe I can go over with you one day and talk to her." Elsa frowned. "Well, I can try. Actually it might be better to meet on neutral ground… maybe if you and I invite her out for coffee… if we brought Kalran too then maybe…"

Sara shook her head, incredulous at Elsa's suggestion. "I'm not having coffee with her, Elsa."

Elsa sighed, flopping back into her chair. "No-one's going to help me with this, are they?"

There was a short silence. Sara exchanged a glance with Kelly, who rolled her eyes.

"I will."

Elsa's head snapped up, turning towards Illim, who had spoken. "Oh. Right. Yeah, that might actually work."

"I think the coffee thing might be a bit much, though. If Sara can speak to Kalran, I could arrange to go over there alone, and tell her what the situation is. She might at least hear me."

"Yeah, and if she doesn't want to you can just order her to, and let her natural toadying do the work for us," Kelly muttered angrily.

Illim made a slight movement, as though he might say something, but seemed to think better of it.

Elsa turned towards Sara. "Can you at least call Kal for us?"

Sara took her time answering, taking a sip of her now-cold coffee. Elsa was probably right that they needed some involvement from the voluntaries, not to mention she'd probably find a way to get in touch with Kalran by herself if she had to. "As long as you understand that I never want to have to talk to Carla, or any of the rest of them. You and Illim can do all that."

"I second that," Kelly muttered, and Huan nodded.

"I wouldn't mind working with her," Alma murmured quietly. "But I agree it'll only work if it's Illim first."

"That's fine," Elsa said. "And thanks, Alma."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Sara was still shocked by Elsa's attitude… she'd expect hatred of voluntaries from someone who'd so unceasingly resisted infestation, not… whatever this was. Kelly and Huan, she could see, looked equally confused, while Illim just looked taken aback at this turn of events. Alma was, as always, relatively calm… or calm on the surface, at least. She was often hard to read.

"So…" Kelly said eventually. "Leaflets, writing to people… random attempts at recruiting collaborators… what else?"

"We could try and get media interviews," Alma suggested.

Sara cringed. She still remembered the article that had resulted from the interview Kalran had given in hope of being allowed to speak to Oglud. "They'll twist everything you say."

"Maybe. It's still publicity, though," Alma said. "Why? Have you already given one?"

"Kal did. They were horrible to her."

"Might be better with us, though," Kelly suggested, looking thoughtful. "Especially if Elsa or I do it. We were pretty infamous ringleaders of the in-cage resistance, that might give us a bit more… clout… than Kalran had."

Elsa laughed. "I think 'in-cage resistance' might be a bit of a grandiose title. I mostly just sung annoying songs at them. And threw my sweater at Visser Three that time."

"Never underestimate the power of an annoying song," Kelly said decidedly.

Everyone smiled, dissipating a lot of the tension that had built up in the room. It was lucky they had Huan there to keep them on track, as Elsa and Kelly began a debate about the relative merits of 'I know a song that gets on your nerves' and 'ten green bottles' which could have lasted some time.

"So, if we can come back to the topic at hand… Sara, you'll call Kalran and see if this… woman… will meet with Illim, and Elsa, you'll liase with Illim about getting her involved. Alma, you'll try and draft a flyer for us: we can all look at it and see if we think it's okay. I'd be happy to meet with you too, to help you write it. Kelly, can you look into getting some press coverage? And everyone's going to write to all the Animorphs and their families, except Eva, and other politicians and people who might be able to help. I could draw up a list of people to write to and send it round to everyone, if that would help?"

"That'd be great," Sara replied. "I'll send you information about who I've already tried, but it's worth us all trying them again."

"And Illim and I will get in touch with Cassie directly if we can," Adam said. "She might be more willing to meet us."

Huan nodded. "Excellent. Is that everything? I have a lot of studying to do today."

Sara glanced around at the others, then nodded. "Thanks so much for coming, everyone. It means a lot to me… to Kal, too, even if she doesn't show it."

"Oh yeah, that's another thing- we should meet up with her again soon, especially if she's feeling down," Kelly added. "She seems nice enough."

Everyone made noises of agreement, then one by one left, Huan hurrying out while Elsa and Kelly lingered for nearly half an hour, chattering away to each other and to Sara as they helped her wash up cups and plates and stack them neatly away in the kitchen. Sara used to leave her draining board piled up with things, but Kalran had never been able to stand the mess, and drying things up straightaway was now an ingrained habit of hers.

Eventually, even Elsa and Kelly left, and Sara sank down on her sofa, staring at the phone in her hand. She knew she should call Kalran today, but even though it was her Yeerk she'd be talking to, who she knew intimately, she had no idea what to say. It took her a long time to work up the courage, but eventually she curled her fingers around the edge of the plastic and pressed Kalran's number into the keypad.

'Here goes nothing,' Sara thought to herself, raising the phone to her ear.


	15. Chapter 15

Perched on the edge of the sofa, Carla fiddled nervously with her bracelet, glancing at the clock. Eventually, Kalran pushed the door open. She looked very pretty, Carla noticed, wearing a skirt and a flowery blue top, both of which were unusual for her, and perfect makeup, which was even more so.

"You look nice," Carla said after a few seconds.

Kalran laughed bitterly. "It's silly, isn't it? It isn't like Oglud can see me, I could be wearing tattered old pajamas for all they know."

"I don't think it's silly." Carla glanced down at her jeans and hooded sweatshirt. "Should I…"

"Goodness, no," Kalran said. "Oglud can't see you, and they wouldn't care what you were wearing even if they could. I'm just being… I don't know… well, silly."

"You're not," Carla repeated, getting to her feet. "How are we getting there? The bus?"

Kalran sighed. "Three buses, and then a lot of queueing, waiting and putting up with Andalites and human guards insulting you. Our actual appointment's not till eight… it'll be about half nine by the time we get home."

Carla nodded. "Okay."

"You're sure you still want to come?" Kalran's voice was anxious.

Carla smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring way, stepping towards her. "Of course I am."

The bus stop was dark and deserted. Carla rested herself against one of the pathetically small plastic bars that didn't really serve as seats, but she supposed were better than standing. Kalran stood, perhaps not wanting to dirty her clothes.

"The bus takes about an hour, with all the changes," Kalran said, absently tapping her finger against the plastic of the bus shelter.

Carla frowned. It had never taken her that long to get to the Pool, no matter which area of the city she was in. She supposed she'd moved town since, but they were only about a twenty minute ride away from the centre of the city the Yeerk Pool had been built under. "Our nearest entrance is that far away?"

"There's only one open, and it's the other side of town. Not that I mind _that_ , it keeps it much more secure, but it's hard to get to. The central entrances were all destroyed when the Animorphs attacked the Pool, and they didn't bother rebuilding them… they thought a central entrance would be a bigger security risk and it would be too much in the way of people's daily lives. This one's in the middle of a field on the outskirts of town, though at least now they've paved the path into the field."

At that moment, Carla saw the warm orange glow of the bus's lights as it turned down the street towards them. The bus was almost empty, so once they had seated themselves Carla dared to whisper: "Are we meeting Isaac there?"

Isaac was Ilkiss' alias: none of the Yeerks used their real names where there was a chance they might be overheard, it was too risky. Carla wished she could be as anonymous, though at least her name didn't give her away- humans who hadn't been involved in the war had no idea who she was, it was only if she ran across an involuntary who happened to recognise her that she had to worry.

Kalran nodded. "Yes. He lives a fair way away from us, though he's a little nearer to… where we're going."

Carla nodded, and settled back against the cushions. Kalran made small talk with her for a while, asking her how work was, but it was clear from the halting nature of her speech that the Yeerk was struggling to concentrate. Eventually, the two settled into silence, which was broken only by a few words as they changed buses. Carla yawned: buses and trains always made her sleepy.

"Close your eyes, if you want. I'll wake you when we need to change again, and then it's only a short ride."

Carla nodded, letting her head fall back against the seat and her eyelids fall together. She wasn't sure she actually slept, but fell into a dozy state that was half-sleep, half-waking, until she felt Kalran nudge her side and stumbled off the bus and, after a few minutes' wait in the cool night air, onto another one. Eventually, they alighted by the side of a suburban road, where Ilkiss was already waiting for them, leaning against a wall. There were more people around than you might expect mid-evening on a quiet street, most of them heading in the same direction.

Ilkiss pushed himself off the wall as they got off the bus, taking a few steps towards them. He and Kalran exchanged hellos and a brief hug, but the greeting was less intimate than Carla had expected.

"Hi, Carla," Ilkiss said, turning towards her. "It's very kind of you to come."

"It's okay. I'd like to meet her… I mean, them."

Kalran smiled. "We use both; sometimes 'them' is confusing, and we don't want to use words from…" Kalran hesitated, and dropped her voice. "… from our own language, or Taxxon, because… well, you can guess why."

They began to walk along the street, turning left after a few metres to follow a pathed pathway through a copse of woodland. Soon the trees cleared, and they were crossing an open field. At the other side of the field, they reached an ancient, solitary oak tree with a wide trunk. Carla assumed some part of the tree itself had acted as the way to open the entrance during the war, but now the entrance was standing open: a square hole in the ground with a steel ladder leading down into the darkness. In front of it stood two humans with lanyards around their necks and hand-held shredders resting on belts around their waists.

Kalran and Ilkiss dropped their eyes to the floor as they approached them, and Carla quickly followed suit. Kalran had told her that the worst aspect of the process was the human and Andalite guards, and that it was best to be as submissive as possible.

"Names?" One of the men sneered, his voice dripping contempt.

"Kalran Five-Five-Three of the Sulp Niar pool," Kalran murmured, her eyes still on the floor.

"Ilkiss Seven-Six-One of the Sulp Niar pool." Ilkiss' voice was similarly quiet.

"I'm Carla Roberts," Carla said, sensing their eyes on her.

One of the men laughed unpleasantly, while the other just glared. "Your _real_ name."

Carla kept her eyes on the floor. "That is my real name. I'm a human."

She heard a slight hiss, presumably a surprised intake of breath, but did not look up.

"If I may," Kalran began submissively, "I did put in a request for Carla to attend with us. It should be in the documentation."

"Yes, yes, Yeerk, I can see it without your help," the man snapped.

Carla chanced a glance up, and saw the man getting out some sort of fancy handheld piece of electronics. He stepped towards Ilkiss, and waved it up and down Ilkiss' body; some kind of scanner, then. The other man did the same to Kalran, before the first stepped towards Carla herself. Reluctantly, she raised her arms, allowing them to scan her body; he was too close for her comfort, and she was relieved when he lowered the scanner and stepped back.

"Well, hurry up, then," he snapped suddenly at the three of them.

Kalran jumped a little, hurrying forwards towards the opening in the ground and swinging herself onto the metal ladder. Ilkiss gestured Carla ahead of him, and she rapidly followed.

The ladder was only short, about ten rungs down, then Carla's feet hit the rough stone floor of a passageway. It was dimly lit, but there was enough illumination to see three shadowy, four-legged figures with bladed tails looming out of the darkness. A second later, a sharp blade was pressed to her throat, and she froze.

(Names, Yeerk filth?)

Carla had never met an Andalite this closely before: she'd seen a few on the Pool ship at the end of the Yeerk war, but she'd been too consumed by grief and in terror for her life to take much notice. It was the lack of a mouth that scared her the most, even more than the scorpion tail and the extra eyes- it made it hard to tell what the Andalite was feeling, though she could guess it wasn't anything good.

(It's okay,) came a much gentler thought-speak voice. Not expecting it, though, Carla jumped a little, nicking her chin on the Andalite's blade.

(Oh, dapsen, sorry! I'd forgotten I've never spoken to you like this… it's just me, it's Kalran.)

Carla glanced sideways as much as she could without turning her head. Of course, the Yeerks could thought-speak! Carla couldn't believe she hadn't realised this before: after all, she knew the Animorphs could thought-speak while in morph, even if that morph was another human.

(It's okay,) Kalran repeated. (They've put their tails to our throats before, but they've never hurt us. I'm sorry, I should have warned you.)

Carla wished she could reply, but of course she couldn't.

(Your name, filth!) the Andalite repeated. (If I have to ask again it will be a three month ban.)

Carla didn't know for certain what that was, but she could guess. "I'm Carla Roberts," she said quickly. "I'm a human. Kalran did apply for me to come today."

The Andalite swung a third eye forward to look at her more closely. (If you are the human they brought before, I must inform you that you are still banned from visiting for another three months. My fellow warriors told me about your insubordination.)

"No, I'm not her," Carla whispered, trying to sound as submissive as possible. "I've never been before."

(Come with me,) the Andalite said simply, beginning to step forward with his blade still held to her throat. Kalran and Ilkiss were walking in similar fashion, being very careful not to change pace or trip. Carla was the same; she could feel how sharp the blade was against her throat, and could only hope the Andalite would have fast reflexes if she tripped, or she would fall right onto it.

It was a long, tense walk down the uneven stone stairs. Carla didn't dare glance sideways at Kalran and Ilkiss for reassurance, too afraid of cutting her throat against the blade. Eventually, the stairwell opened out into the Yeerk Pool proper. The first thing Carla noticed was that the cages had gone, making the cavern look even larger than it used to. The second thing was the sheer number of Andalite guards lining the sides of the chamber and conducting Yeerk nothlits around, and the third was the multitude of Yeerks waiting on rows of hard chairs along one side of the cavern wall: there were far, far more of them than Carla had expected.

They were shown to three chairs at the edge of the group.

(Sit, filth,) one of the Andalites snapped. The three Andalites remained standing behind them, but thankfully took their blades away from their throats, allowing Carla to turn to Kalran. The Yeerk gave her a nervous smile.

"Are you alright?"

Carla nodded.

Kalran's eyes drifted across Carla's face and body, widening suddenly as they landed on her throat. "Oh, Kandrona, Carla, your neck…"

"It's just a scratch," Carla replied quickly. "I'm fine."

Kalran reached out a hand towards her, as if she might touch the wound, then suddenly stopped, as though thinking better of it, and pulled her hand back to her side.

"I'm okay, I promise." Carla glanced around at the rows of Yeerks, all sitting quietly and tensely, a few alone but most in pairs or groups, some holding hands. "Is it always like this?" she asked.

"Like what?" Ilkiss said, the tension in his body increasing the pitch of his usually deep voice.

"You know… blades to your throat, being insulted all the time… it's not nice for you."

(Do not criticise us, human.)

Kalran looked pleadingly at her, her expression fearful. Carla tried to give her a reassuring smile.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly to the Andalite who had spoken. "It won't happen again."

 _Where you can hear it,_ she added inside her mind, and felt a sharp pang of pain when she realised there was no Silrin to laugh at the joke.

They waited on the hard chairs for nearly half an hour, the atmosphere too tense and quiet to allow much conversation. Carla let her eyes stray around the cavern, which looked very different without its piers, buildings or… or cages. Carla shuddered without meaning to as she looked across at the place where they'd stood.

After what seemed like hours, a human guard strode up to them. "You're here for Oglud five-seven-five?" he said in a bored voice, glancing disinterestedly at them.

Kalran leapt to her feet instantly, hurriedly smoothing down her skirt. Ilkiss was not far behind. "Yes."

"C'mon, then," he growled, gesturing roughly at them.

Carla followed Kalran and Ilkiss away from the Pool, which was a surprise, and into a side room carved into the rock. They moved through a few more doorways until they reached a small, bare room containing a large array of buttons, switches and keypads, and a screen. The two Andalites from earlier moved with them, one standing guard outside the door while the other came in to type something into the keypad with his fourteen long, slim fingers.

(You may speak to your _mate_ , Yeerk filth,) the Andalite sneered as he lifted his fingers from the keypad. (You have twenty Earth minutes.)

"Thank you," Ilkiss said hastily, he and Kalran rushing over to sit by the computer terminal.

Carla followed at a more sedate pace. The symbols on the keypad were foreign to her, though one or two looked familiar… she searched her memory. Galard? Were they Galard letters? Kalran's fingers were flying over them, making a line of text appear on the screen, then she paused and waited. A moment later, a line of equally incomprehensible text appeared back on the screen: presumably Oglud, though Carla could only recognise a couple of Galard words in speech, and none in writing. She stared avidly at the screen anyway, keen to make a connection with a Yeerk, a _real_ Yeerk. Carla immediately felt guilty for that last thought, glancing at Kalran and Ilkiss, who must feel no less like real Yeerks for their human bodies.

After a few more moments, Kalran turned to her.

"Oglud says hello. They say it's an honour to meet you."

"Oh," Carla said, flushing slightly despite herself. "Tell them likewise."

Kalran nodded, letting her fingers fly across the keypad.

"What did you tell them about me?" Carla asked, while they waited for Oglud's reply to appear on the screen.

"About you and Silrin, and how you came to live with us," Kalran said quickly, glancing between Carla and the screen rapidly, as though her eyes were following a tennis match. "And that you were interested in helping them all get the right to take hosts."

Carla was prevented from responding by another line of text appearing on the screen.

"Oglud's asking how you are," Kalran read immediately.

"I'm fine, thanks. How are they?"

Kalran's fingers flew across the keypad again.

"Did you tell them that I'd offered to be their host?" Carla asked. "I mean, if they want…."

Kalran shook her head. "Not yet. I didn't know if you'd want me to."

"You might want to get to know them first," Ilkiss said slowly. "You might change your mind." He raised a hand, cutting off Carla's half-formed protest. "I know you don't think you would, but that possibility would definitely occur to Oglud. They'd spend the whole time feeling like they were being interviewed."

Carla nodded. "That makes sense. Maybe I can tell them, at the end?"

"It's only twenty minutes," Ilkiss reminded her. "Not very long to get to know each other."

Carla shrugged. "It's long enough. Longer than I had with Silrin."

"They're asking where you work," Kalran interrupted. "I mean, obviously I know, but it might be nice for you to tell them in your own words."

Carla nodded, and rattled off a few sentences about work, which Kalran rapidly typed into the computer. "What did Oglud do in the Empire? Unless you think that question might upset them?"

"Of course not." Kalran's hands continued to fly across the keyboard.

Ilkiss smiled. "We could tell her now, of course."

"Not very natural, though, is it? I think they want to talk naturally to each other… right?"

"What exactly is natural about this?" Ilkiss asked, gesturing around them.

Kalran ignored him, peering at the latest line of text that had appeared on the screen. "I had a Taxxon host, most recently," she said, now reading the screen verbatim. "Her name was Srynala. We worked in engineering. Before that, another Taxxon, Halisssa, and before that a Gedd, Rhish." Kalran stopped reading suddenly, and looked hesitantly at Carla. "Oglud says they'd like to ask you about Silrin, but they aren't sure if it would be too painful."

Carla felt a sharp twist in her belly and a tingling at the corner of her eyes, but despite that said: "it's fine."

"They're asking what she did," Kalran said gently, after a few seconds.

"In me? Just general Sharing stuff, and I think the same in her human host before me. She had a Taxxon before that, though… she was a fighter pilot. She was excellent, but… she tired of the battles, after a while, wanted something safer. It wasn't that she wasn't… I mean, she was really brave, always, I just think it must get too much for everyone after a while." Carla reached up to wipe a tear away from her cheek.

Kalran's fingers flew over the keypad, the buttons clicking rapidly. Oglud's response took a few seconds to come through. "Oglud says: 'Yes, it sounds an incredibly difficult job, and I'm sure she must have been brave to do it for any amount of time.' Oglud's done a new line here, Carla… they say they're very sorry for your loss."

Carla couldn't speak for a moment, for fear of giving in entirely to her tears. Eventually, though, she steeled herself enough to say: "tell Oglud thank you. I… I miss her very much. We… I don't even know how to describe what our relationship was, but…"

Kalran nodded, dutifully typing in Carla's message and relaying the response. "'I know what you mean. Srynala was voluntary, too- all my hosts have been- and we were very close. I'm sure on the homeworld we must have had a word for it in our own language, but it's hardly something the Empire would preserve.'" Kalran paused, waiting as more text came up on the screen. " 'I want to thank you for trying to help us- it's so incredibly kind of you all. This way of communicating doesn't let me relay it to you properly, but just knowing there are some humans on our side raises all our spirits so much. You've made me very happy today, Carla."

Carla felt a warmth spread itself across her cheeks. "It's nothing," she murmured. "I wish we could do more… if it was up to me you could come into my head right now, but…"

Kalran paused in her typing, turning her head towards Carla. "You're sure you want to tell them that?"

Carla nodded.

It was a much longer delay than usual before the line of yellow text that was Oglud's reply appeared on the screen: so much longer that Carla felt her stomach beginning to tighten with anxiety, and glanced at Kalran for reassurance. At that moment, however, she saw the screen change, and peered desperately at it, as though if she looked at it hard enough the letters would suddenly change into English.

Kalran didn't keep her waiting long, however. "They're asking if that's a serious offer."

"Not the right now bit. They'd get in trouble. But the rest of it, yes."

Kalran's typing seemed suddenly very loud to Carla's ears, and the silence that followed it was almost unbearable. Carla stared at the bright light of the screen, her breath short and tense in her throat, stopping entirely when a line of indecipherable yellow writing appeared.

"I hardly know what to say," Kalran read. "I feel very touched: you've done me a great honour with the trust you've shown in me. I know it will never be allowed, but if it were I would be very glad to accept. Thank you."

Carla felt suddenly lighter as a wave of relief washed over her. "Tell Oglud that… tell them I'm going to try and get the government to allow it. Tell them I'll do anything I can."

"Oglud thanks you," Kalran said after a few moments. "But they say they hope you'll be careful, that you won't put yourself at risk."

"I will," Carla promised instantly.

As she watched Kalran dutifully type her reply in, a thought suddenly occurred to her. "Oh, God, they said you'd only have twenty minutes… I've taken up almost all of your time, and they must want so much to talk to you." Carla glanced between Kalran and Ilkiss. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be silly! I can tell how pleased she is to talk to you: it's someone new to meet, something different. We talk to her every fortnight."

Carla was surprised at that: twenty minutes every other week was all the time they got? She bit back the exclamation she was about to give, though, conscious that every second must be precious to Kalran and Ilkiss. Instead, Carla waited in silence, watching them as they took turns to type on the keypad in front of them. It was strange to watch the two of them together: there were no little touches or smiles, nothing that she would expect in a human relationship, and while their interaction seemed friendly, it seemed anything but intimate.

All too soon, the Andalite guard said: (one minute, Yeerk filth.) His thought speak tone was sadistic, gloating. (Say your pathetic goodbyes.)

Carla clenched a fist at her side, trying not to let her rising anger get the better of her. _Bastard,_ she thought to herself. _God, poor Kalran._

Ilkiss' hands flew across the keypad rapidly. A line of text soon appeared in response, at which Kalran stepped closer to the screen, lifting her arm and letting her hand come to rest on the edge of the terminal and slide across it, almost caressing it.

The Andalite scuffed his hoof against the cold metal of the floor. Carla didn't know what the gesture meant, but could guess by the contempt in his thought-speech when he next spoke. (You do know your mate can't feel or see that, don't you?)

Kalran jerked slightly and withdrew her hand.

At that, Carla felt her rage bubble over. "She's not fucking stupid!" she snapped.

A tailblade was at her throat the next instant. (Don't insult me, human.)

"Carla, no." Kalran had whipped her body around, away from the screen. "I.. I mean, please, don't."

Carla forced a few deep breaths down her throat, fighting hard to control herself, gritting her teeth to prevent herself speaking. Eventually, she felt able to speak without yelling. "I'm sorry, sir," she forced out.

The Andalite stared at her. (I heard you,) he sneered. ( _Offering yourself_ to that filth. Let me tell you it will never happen.)

Carla said nothing, aware that anything she said could easily be taken as offensive, and she didn't know what effect that would have on Kalran. The Yeerk had sounded desperate when she'd begged Carla to stop, and the last thing Carla wanted to do was make things worse for her.

After a few moments, the Andalite said: (Come then, filth,) and they were led back, blades at their throat, out through the cavern and up the steep, uneven stairs to the entrance they had come in by. The bus stop was busy for the area and the time of night, making Carla suspect that most of the passengers were Yeerks returning from the Pool, but she still didn't dare discuss their visit until they were back in the safety of the apartment.

Kalran turned to her immediately. "Oh, Carla, your neck…"

"It's fine," Carla repeated. "Really, it's not a problem." Hesitantly, she stretched a hand towards Kalran's shoulder. "I didn't realise how… how bad it was for you."

Kalran sighed deeply. "We're just pleased to be able to speak to them at all." Her flat voice betrayed her optimistic words. "Of course, I wish it could be longer, or more often, and I wish more than anything I could touch them, but there's nothing we can do."

Carla moved a little closer, letting her arm wrap around the Yeerk's shoulders. "I'm sorry."

Kalran shook her head slowly as she leaned in to Carla's hug. "You don't need to be at all. You made my Oglud so happy- I know it's hard to tell that through the limited communication you had, but you really did. And thank you for holding your anger in check, too… I'm sorry if I sounded like I was ordering you about, it just… it slipped out."

Carla frowned. "What do you mean? It didn't sound like that at all… you know what they're like, of course I should listen to you."

Kalran smiled ruefully. "Sara would have gone nuts. Perhaps even more so if I'd told her to stop like that."

"Was she the human they mentioned? The one they said was banned?"

"Oh yes." At Carla's curious look, Kalran continued. "They didn't even get her down the stairs when she came to visit- she wasn't happy about the blade to her throat. Well, no wonder- an involuntary host led down into the Yeerk pool like that?! I tried to explain that to them, but they wouldn't make any exceptions, and they were so rude to Sara, and to me, that they got her angry and… well, I think you might have noticed she doesn't have the most patient temper in the world." Kalran smiled slightly. "She called them a herd of jumped-up little ponies. It almost made the month's ban from visiting worth it, just to hear the disbelief in their thought-speech."

"They banned _you_ for a month? It wasn't even you that said it!"

Kalran sighed again. "I know. For a species that hates us for taking hosts, they certainly expect us to have a lot of control over them when we're not in their head. Sara was banned for ten months, though."

Carla felt her stomach churn at the thought. "I'm so sorry… I snapped at them, too."

"By the Kandrona, Carla, don't worry about _that_. I'm almost glad you did- I could cheerfully have punched him. And anyway, you stopped."

"Why… why can't you touch Oglud?" Carla said hesitantly, pulling away a little to study Kalran's face. "I mean… if you told them you were going to go and put your hand in to a certain part of the pool they could at least come up and… well, they'd be able to learn your scent at least, wouldn't they?"

"The humans and Andalites won't let us," Kalran said simply. At Carla's puzzled face, she added: "they're worried about us trying to get a Yeerk out, or… or killing them, at their own request. A few Yeerks have asked, apparently, on the chats, those that have no-one close to them left in the Pool, or those that find it particularly difficult to live like that."

Carla felt icy horror fill her insides. "Not… not Oglud?"

Kalran shook her head. "No. You don't need to worry about that, Carla. Especially not now… you've given them some hope."

Carla flushed slightly. "They've only known me twenty minutes."

"You freely offered Oglud your mind in those twenty minutes," Kalran said quietly. "That made quite an impression on them. They want to speak more to you, they said how much they were looking forward to it." Kalran hesitated. "You will come again, won't you? I know it's not the easiest place to be in…"

Carla smiled. "Of course I will." Her smile faded slightly. "I need to start writing to people, I guess… you know, to try and change their mind about hosts. Is there anyone you'd recommend?"

Kalran hesitated, her expression tense. "Actually… there's something I've been meaning to ask you."

Carla frowned, puzzled. "Oh?"

"There's… erm… um, well, I suppose… I guess it starts with Sara doing something stupid."

"Right…" Carla said slowly, unsure what this had to do with her.

As Kalran related the story of Sara, Kelly and the others' promises to help Oglud, and Elsa's interest in recruiting Carla to their cause, Carla felt herself becoming increasingly baffled, almost dizzy from the information that was bombarding her.

"I… Elsa wants to meet with me? I… I don't know if I…"

Kalran laid a hand on Carla's arm. "It's absolutely okay if you don't want to do it," Kalran said softly. "Anyway, it wouldn't be meeting Elsa straight away, or at all if you don't want to. There's a Yeerk from the peace movement working with them… his name is Illim. He's offered to meet with you, to act as a go-between, if you like. Or of course you could campaign by yourself… please don't feel you have to do anything that would make you uncomfortable."

"And they all know where I live?" Carla asked, feeling suddenly panicked. She glanced around the living room as though expecting an involuntary to pounce on her from a dark corner.

Kalran gritted her teeth. "Trust me, Carla, I've never yelled at Sara so much in my life as when she told me she'd done that. But no, they don't all know- they all know you live with me, but only Elsa has any idea where I live and she only knows the block, not the exact address." She looked anxiously at Carla's face. "They all promised not to hurt you, if that helps."

For a moment, Carla was certain she'd misheard. "What? All of them?"

A slight smile appeared on Kalran's lips. "Yes, all of them. They really don't hate you as much as you think they do."

Carla turned her head away. "I don't understand why they..." she trailed off, shaking her head to clear it. "Anyway… I'd be happy to meet Illim, if it might help Oglud. I owe it to you, if nothing else."

"You don't owe me anything," Kalran said softly.

Carla looked at her again, surprised. "No, nothing at all. Just bed and board for three months, that only adds up to hundreds of dollars, why bother about that?"

Kalran sighed. "We had Jilran's bed spare anyway, which you very well know, and you pay rent now. And you must know how much joy it gives a Yeerk to care for a host. It's like Alniss is someone else entirely, she's been much brighter since you came."

That gave Carla pause. "Really?"

"Really. And I like you being around, too, so you honestly don't owe me anything."

Carla nodded slowly. "Okay… I'd still like to meet this Illim, though." Saying it to Kalran probably wouldn't help, but Carla was suddenly struck by how much she missed having a Yeerk… the effect of meeting Oglud, she supposed. She could feel the melancholy bitterness tugging at the edges of her mind, threatening to overtake her. Throwing herself whole-heartedly into the campaign to make hosting a Yeerk legal seemed the only way to fight it, and if that meant she had to work with Elsa, even maybe meet her… well, the thought was terrifying, but even now Carla felt it might be worth it.

"Thank you," Kalran said, breaking into her thoughts. "So much. I… I'll let him know."


	16. Chapter 16

A few days later, Kalran and Carla left the house together again. This time, however, they waited at the side of the road instead of the bus stop. Carla couldn't keep still: her stomach was churning with anxiety, and she shifted from foot to foot where she stood, twisting her hands together. She could see Kalran watching her concernedly, and eventually felt a gentle touch on her arm.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Carla turned her head to meet Kalran's eyes, which were etched with worry. "Yes. It… it will just be Illim, won't it?"

Kalran nodded. "Yes, just him. He's going to pick us up and take us to the house he shares with his host, but Adam's out today so you won't see him. Illim's promised it will just be him."

Carla nodded, trying to slow her breathing. It was only a Yeerk; why was she so worried? "She won't be there, will she?" Carla added, unable to stop herself.

Kalran frowned. "Elsa?" At Carla's fretful nod, she continued. "No. I promise."

"Okay," Carla said shakily.

Kalran looked as though she might say something else, but was interrupted by a blue car coming to a hesitant halt beside them. The driver turned the engine off and got out, striding towards them on long legs. Illim's morph was tall: Carla had to look up to make eye contact.

"Kalran, _schrellatie_ , may the Kandrona shine and strengthen you," Illim said in a whisper. "Well, metaphorically, at least."

It took Carla a few seconds to remember what _schrellatie_ meant. Silrin had used it occasionally… yes, that was it. It was a bit like a human calling someone 'brother' who wasn't really their brother – a sign of kinship and solidarity. The formality of Illim's greeting reflected that, too: he was addressing Kalran warmly and politely, which Carla supposed boded well. Illim's attitude towards her, though, she was much less certain of. While Kalran clearly liked her, Carla still wasn't sure what the attitude of peace movement Yeerks towards voluntary hosts was likely to be.

Kalran smiled wistfully. "And you, _schrellatie_. Illim, this is Carla. Carla, this is Illim 781 of the Sulp Niar pool."

Illim smiled gently at her, and Carla felt some of her anxiety evaporate. "I'm very pleased to meet you."

"You too," Carla murmured.

A few minutes later, Carla slid into the backseat of Illim's car next to Kalran, turning down his offer of the front. The drive was quiet, Carla watching the scenery change from dense, scruffy apartment blocks to the greener, more spacious suburbs and then the open countryside. Eventually, the suburbs began again as they moved into the city, and Illim eventually drew to a halt outside a large white house with a neat lawn and flowerbeds that were a riot of colour.

"Oh," Kalran breathed delightedly as they got out of the car. "Your garden is beautiful!"

Illim smiled. "Thank you. Adam jokes I should quit my job and become a full-time gardener."

"He isn't here, is he?" Carla asked nervously, hesitating at the gate.

Illim shook his head. "No. He went out, and he won't return till I text him and say you guys have gone." Seeing Carla's face, Illim quickly added: "not like that, it isn't that… we just thought you might not want him here… he wouldn't mind meeting you."

Carla didn't believe that, but decided not to press the issue, instead stepping through the gate and following Illim up the path to the front door. She glanced across at Kalran, who gave her a reassuring smile.

Soon they were sitting in the spacious living room, Carla nursing a cup of coffee between her hands. The warmth was comforting, calming her anxiety somewhat.

After a few minutes, Illim cleared his throat. "So," he said slowly. "I'm not really sure where you want to start, with this."

Carla shrugged. "I don't mind," she murmured, keeping her eyes on her mug.

"Maybe you could tell us a little more about you, Illim," Kalran said gently.

"Sure. Well, I was in the peace movement during the war, like Kalran… erm… I morphed once they offered me the technology, but I only lived where they assigned me for a couple of weeks before I moved in here, with my host. Well, ex-host now, I suppose. Anyway, he still has contact with some of the other hosts and it was through them that I found out about your situation, Kalran. I wanted to help, and, er, here I am. Am I right in thinking you want to help, too, Carla?"

Carla finally raised her eyes from her mug. "Yes."

"Great, that's great." Illim smiled hesitantly at her. "Is there anything you've already done?"

"Not yet. Apart from going to see Oglud. I told them I'd be willing to host them, if it was ever allowed."

Illim raised his eyebrows and glanced at Kalran. "Are you sure about that?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I wasn't. It wouldn't be fair."

Illim nodded. "No… no, I suppose it wouldn't… but that doesn't mean you can't change your mind, you know."

Confused, Carla looked uncertainly at him, before letting her eyes slide across to Kalran, then back to Illim again. "I don't want to change my mind."

"I know, I just… I want to make sure you don't feel under any pressure or obligation, that's all. Hosting a Yeerk is a big thing."

Carla looked away. "I know. I was a host in the war."

Illim's voice, when it next came, sounded anxious. "I know that, I just- I'm sorry, I'm not doing a very good job of this."

Carla kept her eyes on the floor. "It's fine."

"I think Carla knows exactly what she's offering," Kalran said quietly. "And neither Oglud or I, or Ilkiss for that matter, would allow an infestation that was anything but fully willing."

"I wasn't doubting you. I… shall we move on?"

"That might be a good idea," Carla murmured, then instantly regretted it. "Sorry, I didn't mean…"

Illim shook his head. "Don't worry. Anyway… how much has Kalran told you?"

Carla was silent for a few moments, struggling to form her words even in her head. Saying even one of the involuntaries' names suddenly seemed an insurmountable barrier to speech, and she wasn't even sure why. After a minute of struggle, she raised her head, looking towards Kalran for help.

"I've told her everything you told me," Kalran said quickly, smiling slightly at Carla in reassurance, her forehead furrowing with concern. "That my Sara was an idiot and mentioned her, and that Elsa wants to work with her to help Oglud and the others."

Illim nodded. He reached forward, moving a book on the coffee table in front of him aside, to reveal a white envelope addressed with Carla's name. "Elsa wrote you a letter," he said, holding it out to Carla. "If you wanted to read things in her words. Or I could explain it all, of course."

Carla pulled back as though he was holding a deadly spider, eyes fixed on the envelope. Unconsciously, she drew a little closer to Kalran. "You explain," she eventually managed to whisper, her gaze still on her slightly messily written name.

Illim hesitated for a few moments. "Okay," he said eventually. "Well, there were a few points we wanted to cover... one of them was whether you'd be interested in acting as a host again, but I think we've pretty much covered that." He put the envelope back on the coffee table, instead picking up a second piece of paper. "Huan put together a list of people that everyone's writing to," he said, passing the paper across to Carla, who took it this time. "It might be an idea if you write, too… the more the better."

Scanning her eyes down it, she felt a sudden lurch in her stomach as her eyes hit the name 'Jake Berenson'. She fought down her nausea as best as she could, and quickly looked back up at Illim.

"Elsa also wanted to know if you're in touch with any other voluntary hosts who might be interested in helping.'

"I bet she did," Carla sneered, sudden anger filling her. So that was the reason behind all this… to try and get revenge on as many voluntaries as possible. "No, I'm not, and I wouldn't tell her even if I was. Does she think I'm stupid?"

Illim looked taken aback.

"Carla, I'm sure that's not why she asked. I don't think Elsa's like that," Kalran murmured softly.

Carla didn't believe her for a moment, and it must have shown in her face, for Kalran added: "honestly, Carla, none of them want to hurt you. Or anyone else, I'm sure."

There was silence for a few seconds. While Carla trusted Kalran, Illim was a bit more of an unknown quantity, and she certainly believed Elsa and the others would be more than capable of fooling him that they had good intentions. There was no point making an argument out of it, however, so Carla simply said: "okay. Well, anyway, I don't know where any of them ended up after the war, so…"

Illim nodded. "No problem. The next thing was whether you'd be willing to come to any meetings that the others have with people who could help. Elsa and Alma – Alma's one of the others in the group – thought that it might really help convince people if they could hear your perspective, and see for themselves that you weren't being forced or manipulated into it, it was something you genuinely wanted."

Carla hesitated. "Would the involuntaries have to be there?"

"Well… I suppose they wouldn't have to, but it wouldn't look very good if it seems like we can't stand to all be in each other's company. It would probably be better if at least some of them were there."

Carla's eyes strayed across to Kalran. Poor thing… over the last few days, Carla hadn't been able to get the image of Kalran caressing the side of a computer terminal out of her head. That her contact with her mate was reduced to a few minutes a fortnight of messaging through a computer… it just wasn't fair on either of them.

"Maybe," she said slowly. "Depending on who they were meeting, and who exactly was coming."

Kalran jerked slightly beside her, looking around at Carla in surprise. "Are you sure?"

"Not quite. That's why I said maybe."

"You don't have to decide yet," Illim said slowly, looking equally surprised. "We're trying to contact Cassie at the moment – Adam and I had some contact with her during the war – but she's a busy woman. And the media and politicians we're contacting… again, it looks like it'll be a while."

Carla nodded slowly. There was silence for a while, and she glanced around the room. It was a lot less Yeerkish than the living room at home: while there were a few pictures, they were proper framed ones, not stuck onto the wall in a messy mosaic. The room was neat and tidy, the walls beige and the furniture white. She could see why Illim had taken over the garden: there was relatively little colour in this room. The effect was relaxing, though, not unpleasant. Carla's eyes came to rest on a photograph resting on a windowsill: the woman in the frame was tall and dark-skinned, quite a contrast to what she assumed was Illim's host, pale and red-haired, who was standing beside her arm-in-arm. The long white dress the woman was wearing made it clear this was a wedding photograph.

Illim followed her gaze. "That's Alyssa, Adam's wife. He… he lost her a few months before he joined the Sharing."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Carla said automatically. Her curiosity piqued, however, she turned to Illim. "Was he a voluntary, then?"

Illim was silent for a few moments, and Carla began to think he wouldn't answer her. Eventually, however, he said: "it depends what you mean. He agreed to become a full member, but then once they explained what we were he became suspicious. He asked didn't anyone ever say no, that kind of thing, and eventually he figured out… well, what we did to those who were unwilling." Illim swallowed uncomfortably. "They had to drag him to the Pool, and he fought me until I joined the movement."

Carla looked away, feeling her stomach churn painfully. She could feel a memory creeping in at the corners of her mind; the sound of screams from the cages and those unfortunate people who were being dragged to the Pool in front of and behind her. She was walking along beside Miliss, shivering with horror, desperate for Silrin to get back in her head so she could get out of that place.

"Carla!" She felt Kalran's hand touch her shoulder, and jumped. "Carla, are you alright?"

Realising her eyes were damp, Carla hastily scrubbed at them with her sleeve. "I'm fine," she said shakily, looking round into Kalran's worried face.

Kalran said nothing, instead letting her arm wrap around Carla's shoulders. Carla took a few deep breaths, eventually feeling strong enough to look back up at Illim.

Illim smiled hesitantly at her. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Fine," Carla repeated. "Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?"

Illim shook his head slowly. "I think that's everything. I'll let you know if we manage to arrange any meetings with anyone. I suppose the only thing is… in the meantime… Elsa wondered if you wanted to meet up with Adam and I, or Elsa and I, just casually at some point. She thought it might be easier than seeing her for the first time when we were officially meeting a journalist, or…"

Carla felt every muscle in her body tense. "No," she said quickly.

"You don't have to." Illim's reply was almost as rapid.

There was a long, awkward silence.

"Do you mind if I take the letter, Carla?" Kalran asked gently after almost five minutes had gone by. "I mean, I'm not going to read it, but just in case you ever want to look at it."

Carla whipped her head round so fast it stung her neck, staring at her. "I never want to look at it."

"Do you mind if I take it anyway?"

Carla shrugged, trying to hide her elevated heart rate, the twisting of her stomach, with casual words. "I don't care what you do with it. 'Long as I don't have to see it again."

Kalran nodded, wordlessly reaching forward to take the envelope Illim passed to her. "It'll be in the top drawer in my room, Carla, if you ever do want to see it."

"I don't," Carla said quickly. "Like I give a shit what she thinks of me." The words sounded hollow even to Carla's own ears, and she reddened as she saw Kalran exchange a glance with Illim. It took all her willpower not to snap at them, but she managed it somehow.

Kalran tucked the letter into the pocket of her jeans, and glanced at her watch. "We'd better go, Illim," she said quietly.

"Yes… yes, of course." Illim looked at Carla. "I'm sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable. I… I understand what it feels like. I felt so guilty myself, even after I joined the movement I couldn't entirely shake it."

Carla reddened even more, clenching her fists. "I'm not feeling fucking _guilty!_ " she snapped. "I just don't want to get beaten up, alright?"

Illim held up both hands defensively, taken aback. "Okay. Okay, I'm sorry."

They left pretty quickly after that, travelling in silence in Illim's car back to the apartment. As they began their walk up the stairs, Carla felt Kalran touch her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she began. "That was hard for you. Are you really sure you want to go through all this?"

Carla stopped walking, turning to look into Kalran's eyes. "Kalran, you deserve this, you know. You and Oglud both. You really need to stop thinking you don't."

"Deserve what? You making yourself miserable?"

"I'm fine. I want this as much as you do, and I'm prepared to fight for it."

Kalran nodded slowly. "Okay. It's your decision, of course. I'm sorry if I seemed like I was trying to make it for you."

Carla raised her eyebrows, surprised. "You didn't seem like that," she said emphatically, thinking privately that it was almost the opposite. Kalran wasn't that sort of Yeerk, which was different. Refreshing, in a way, but also tiring: it meant Carla had to choose for herself, and she'd always found choices hard.

Carla's thoughts were interrupted suddenly, however, by another voice. "What's her decision? And for that matter, where have you two been all afternoon?"

The voice came from below them on the stairs, and Carla turned her head to see Alniss carrying a couple of bags of shopping from the local 7-11.

"Hey," Carla smiled, taking a few steps towards her. "Can I help with those?"

"Hi, honey. Are you alright?" Alniss was looking closely at Carla's face, ignoring her offer of help with the bags.

"I'm fine," Carla said. She reached towards one of the bags. "Let me-"

"There are tear tracks on your cheeks." Alniss' eyes were hard, but they weren't meeting Carla's: they were looking past her, towards Kalran. "Last time you take her out she comes back with a cut on her neck, and she tells me some story about going for a walk and cutting it on a thorn, and now she's been crying. You had better have a very good explanation for this."

Alniss' voice was colder than Carla thought she'd ever heard it, except perhaps the time she'd spoken about Elsa, and Carla felt a shiver run through her as she looked between the two Yeerks. Kalran was looking away submissively, down towards the carpet.

"Why don't we all go up?" Carla murmured hesitantly. "Then we can talk?"

Alniss nodded without looking at her, still glaring at Kalran, who was looking increasingly uncomfortable. "Good idea."


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note: Animorphgirl** has kindly let me use her Yeerkish word _tamli_ in this chapter, the meaning of which I'll explain next time although you can probably work it out approximately from context. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Alniss was silent for a full minute after Kalran told her what was going on. She could feel her fists clenching and her teeth gritting together as she stared at her roommate in disbelief. By the Kandrona, she'd always known Kalran was foolish, easily swayed; any Yeerk in the movement had to be, to be so easily manipulated by Andalites and humans into turning against their own race. But Alniss would never have guessed she was as stupid and careless as this.

"You-" she spat, rage interrupting her speech. "You took her to the _Pool?_ "

Kalran nodded. "Yes. Carla- er, wanted to meet Oglud."

"What in Kandrona's name possessed you, Kalran! There are _Andalites_ there. Do you know what the Andalite penalty was for any of their own that worked with a Yeerk, let alone chose to host one? They despise voluntaries, almost as much as they hate us. How could you have known she'd come back alive?"

"They didn't hurt me," Carla murmured from beside Alniss.

Alniss struggled to make her tone more gentle as she addressed Carla. "They hurt your neck."

"That was an accident!" Kalran exclaimed. "Alniss, do you not think they want to kill us every time we go down there? But they don't, because it's part of their agreement with the humans. They wouldn't get away with harming someone, particularly not someone that's actually human themselves."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was an _accident_ ," Alniss sneered sarcastically. "That'll make it a great comfort if they _accidentally_ slice open an artery!"

Alniss felt a gentle touch on her arm, and looked across at Carla.

"Kalran was really upset about my neck at the time," Carla said softly, her eyes looking appeasingly into Alniss' own. "Far more than she needed to be. It was only a little scratch."

"And did she tell you to say it was a thorn?" Alniss tried to make her tone as gentle as possible.

Carla shifted uncomfortably. "No. She didn't even know that was what I'd told you."

"You lied to me," Alniss breathed in disbelief. She'd been certain that the answer to her question would be 'yes', that Carla would never have willingly deceived her without pressure from someone else, so she was too shocked and hurt to keep the accusation back.

Carla looked away, nodding guiltily. "I'm so sorry, Alniss, I really am. I don't even know why I did… I suppose I thought you might react like this."

Alniss stared at her, shocked to her very core. "Carla, what… what do you mean? I- I'm trying to protect you."

She felt Carla take her hand, her touch hesitant. "I know. And I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me, but… this is really important to me, Alniss. I miss having a Yeerk so much, and I know no-one can ever replace Silrin, but this is something I have to at least try."

Alniss couldn't speak for a few minutes, assaulted by emotion. She'd bonded so closely with Carla that it was hard to deny the human anything, especially when she asked for it so strongly, but Alniss was certain that getting embroiled in Oglud and the others' situation couldn't help her. It was at best a false hope: there was no way infestation would ever be allowed in Carla's lifetime, if ever. At worst, it might expose Carla's voluntary status to Andalites, or vengeful humans, especially if she was to get involved in campaigning for hosting Yeerks to be made legal, which it sounded very much like she was.

"This is all your fault," Alniss snapped eventually at Kalran, the only outlet for her frustration. "You put the idea in her head."

Kalran sighed. "Alniss…"

"And where were you today?" she continued, ignoring Carla's pleading look, Kalran's clear exhaustion. "It can't have been the Pool again, it's too soon. Where did you take her that made her cry?"

"We went to see Illim," Carla answered. "He's another Yeerk from the movement: he's working with a group of humans who want to campaign for voluntary infestation to be made legal. They thought I might want to work with them: Illim's agreed to pass information between us."

"And who are these humans?" Alniss was immediately suspicious. "Do you even know, Kalran? How do you know you can trust them?"

"I've met them all," Kalran said. "Not with Carla," she added hastily, "alone. And one of them is Sara, so at least in her case I know better than anyone except Sara herself how much she can be trusted. Don't ever tell her I said that, though."

Alniss could feel her breathing coming in rapid hisses. "Perhaps, although she clearly hates Carla. It's not exactly going to be easy for them to work together, is it? Who are the others?"

Kalran hesitated, exchanging a look with Carla. "I'd rather not say."

What little was left of Alniss' patience finally snapped. "This is my host!" She pushed herself to her feet and strode over to Kalran. "Or as good as. I have a right to know!"

"Alniss!"

Alniss turned: it was Carla who had spoken, her voice much louder than normal.

"Alniss, please, just calm down. We'll tell you, if you promise not to go nuts about it. You're… you're starting to scare me."

That hurt. Alniss turned towards her. "Carla… you don't need to be afraid of me, surely?"

"I don't mean it like that," Carla said quickly. "I just… I don't understand why you're so angry."

Alniss stared at her for a few minutes, her breathing fast and her stomach twisted with fear. Carla's expression became more and more anxious, occasionally glancing across at Kalran before returning to meet her eyes.

"Alniss? Alniss, say something!"

"Fine! I'm terrified, Carla! Every day when you get on the bus, when you go anywhere, I wonder if you'll ever come back, or if someone will recognise you and… and…" Alniss broke off, looking down at the floor. She couldn't finish that sentence, or she'd cry. "Don't you understand? I can't lose you… not you, too."

There was a long silence. Alniss didn't dare look up, keeping her eyes on a piece of fluff on the carpet. She barely registered footsteps moving towards her, so she jumped a little as she felt arms wrap around her tightly. Alniss reached blindly for Carla's shoulders.

"I'm safe, Alniss. I'm right here."

Hot tears began to make their way down Alniss' cheeks. She tried to force them back, ashamed of her weakness. She couldn't help feeling that she should be looking after Carla, not the other way around.

" _Schrellatie,_ " Kalran said uncertainly from somewhere near Alniss' shoulder.

"You can't help," Alniss muttered. "Most of this is your fault in the first place."

There was silence for a while, then Alniss heard Kalran's footsteps withdraw, heading towards the door. With effort, Alniss forced herself to pull back from Carla.

"Don't leave yet, Kalran. I want to know exactly who these humans are."

"I can tell you," Carla said quietly, glancing uncertainly between the pair of them. "Sara, Illim's host Adam and some people called Huan, Alma and Kelly, who I don't really know, and…" Carla trailed off for a few seconds, twisting her hands together anxiously. "And Elsa."

Alniss stumbled over nothing, her legs feeling like they had suddenly failed her. Her first instinct was to think it was her host contesting control, to clamp down on the movement, before she realised this was her own true body. " _Elsa?_ "

A slow nod was her only answer.

"How… what… how can you even consider… Carla, in the name of the Kandrona, what can you possibly be thinking?"

"Actually, Elsa's the one who most wanted to work with Carla," Kalran muttered.

By all the great Pools, was she completely mad? How could any Yeerk be such a fool? "Yes, I'm sure she did, Kalran, because she clearly wants to get her alone and murder her! How can you not see that?"

"Alniss, I really don't think she wants that."

"You don't think? You don't _think_? Oh, you sound very certain, clearly certain enough to risk _Carla's life!_ "

"I haven't met any of the humans," Carla said quietly from next to Alniss' shoulder. She'd come closer again without Alniss even noticing, taking the Yeerk's hand as though to calm her down. "Only a peace movement Yeerk. I've been quite safe, Alniss, I promise."

"And is he as utterly witless as _this_ peace movement Yeerk?" Alniss snapped, glaring at Kalran. "No. This isn't happening any more, do you understand me? Carla's having no more meetings with any of them, Yeerk or human, and if you take her to the Pool again then I'm coming with you."

Alniss had hoped her tone would be enough to make the other Yeerk back down, but clearly not.

"You can't speak for Carla," Kalran said softly. "It's her decision, not yours."

"Now is hardly the time to be discussing politics, Kalran," Alniss retorted.

"Excuse me, but I am right here." Alniss felt Carla release her hand, and there was a hard edge in the human's tone that she'd never heard directed at her. "And I'm not _politics_."

Alniss turned to look at her, her body feeling slow to move, lethargic, as though she was moving through the rapidly-thickening sludge of a Pool that was drying out. Carla's jaw was set, her expression far harder than Alniss was used to seeing, but there was something deeply miserable in her eyes that tugged at Alniss' heart.

"Carla… Carla, _tamli_ … I didn't mean it like that."

Alniss' focus was entirely on Carla, so she didn't see Kalran's eyes widen in surprise at her use of the Yeerkish endearment.

"Then how did you mean it, exactly?"

"It's… why does she have to bring all of that peace movement stuff into every conversation? All I'm doing is trying to protect you, I'm not hurting you, am I? And she still has to remind us all what a saint she is."

Carla hesitated for a long time before she answered. Alniss could see her lips beginning to form words, only to stop before any sound came through them. Eventually, she whispered: "you… you are hurting me. A little."

Sickness flared in Alniss' stomach, and she felt her face flush with distress and shame. If Silrin could see this… Alniss had promised herself she'd take care of her sister's host as though she were her own, and now…

"Tell me what you want me to do," Alniss managed eventually. "I'm so sorry, I…"

"Hey," Carla said quickly, her expression alarmed. "it's okay. It's nothing important, I just… I just want you to listen, to hear me out."

"Okay," Alniss whispered, surprised at herself, at how easily the fight had been taken out of her. There was a voice inside her mind whispering that she was weak, that she shouldn't let a host affect her like this, but Alniss pushed it away, recognising it as the ghost of Empire propaganda. She could no more refuse to hear Carla than cut off her own arm. She sunk back onto the sofa, and watched as Carla followed suit, lowering herself into a squashy armchair.

"Alniss, I… this is something I can do that's worthwhile, you know? It must be hard for the Yeerks down there, especially when so many of their siblings, mates, their friends can't properly talk to them. And… and I really miss having another mind in my own. My thoughts… sometimes they get very dark, and Silrin used to be able to help."

Empathy twisted like a knife inside Alniss' heart. "Isn't there anything I can do?"

"Hell, yes! Alniss, you do so much everyday, I don't think you realise what just having you around does to help, let alone everything you've done to keep me fed and warm and safe. But I… I would like to be a host again. And even if this doesn't work out, it would give me something useful to do."

"You are useful," Alniss protested. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Kalran nodding in agreement.

"Thanks. Anyway, I really want to do this… but I don't want to frighten you."

Alniss nodded. "It's so dangerous…"

"Is there anything that would convince you it was safe?" Kalran asked.

Alniss felt her irritation returning and rolled her eyes, a human gesture she'd slowly picked up over the last year. "Is there anything that would convince me it is safe for Carla to meet a bunch of hostile involuntaries, and probably announce herself as a voluntary host to a load of other humans through campaigning? Is that seriously a question you are asking?"

Kalran sighed deeply, glancing across hopelessly at Carla. "Will you at least think about it?"

"I don't need to think about it. The answer's no."

Kalran gave her a despairing look. Much more worryingly, Alniss felt Carla slump down beside her, and could see the human's miserable expression when she looked at her.

"You can carry on visiting the Pool," Alniss said quickly, desperate to cheer her up. "I'll come with you. And… and I suppose you can campaign anonymously; writing to people or something. But I can't risk you meeting any humans who might hurt you. You understand that, don't you?"

Carla nodded, but didn't meet Alniss' eyes. Alniss watched her concernedly in the long silence that followed; her instructions seemed to have distressed Carla more than she was expecting, but her first priority was to keep Carla safe, even if Carla disagreed with the measures she took to do that.

"Have you been to the Pool since you morphed?" Carla asked eventually, breaking the tense silence that had developed in the room.

The question surprised Alniss, who had begun to expect an argument against her decision. "No. I suppose I was lucky; none of my siblings were allergic to the technology. Perhaps it's genetic in some way; you said there were quite a few of Oglud's spawning who had the same problem, Kalran?"

Kalran nodded. "Yes. That's some comfort to them, at least."

"They need it," Carla muttered. "It's awful down there, Alniss, you'll see when you come. The Andalites were horrible to Kalran and Ilkiss, and they won't even let…" she trailed off, rephrasing what she was about to say. "They only get twenty minutes every two weeks. It's… it's ridiculous."

Alniss wanted to say she had little sympathy for Yeerks who had chosen to betray their species to the Andalites and Animorphs in the war, but it wasn't helpful for Carla to hear the tension between her and Kalran… well, between all of them and Kalran, really. Tafnik and Hallim got on with Kalran reasonably well, Tafnik because he was the sort of person who liked everyone, and Hallim… well, Alniss wasn't quite sure why. But Alniss had hardly been able to bear Kalran's presence in a room when she'd first found out she was a traitor, and Menhal had struggled too.

Instead of saying any of this, Alniss simply nodded.

"It's just through a computer terminal, too," Carla added, her voice gradually getting louder as she warmed to the theme. "It's just not enough."

Kalran shifted uncomfortably. "I- I'm luckier than many," she murmured, glancing across fearfully at Alniss.

Her words made a sharp pang of pain shoot through Alniss' gut.

"Oh," Carla said softly. "I'm sorry, Alniss, I didn't mean…"

Carla's hesitant touch on her hand calmed her somewhat. "I'm okay," Alniss managed. "And I agree, it doesn't sound like enough time. My role in the Empire was separate from my mates' for quite a while; we fed together every cycle, but it still seemed like far too little contact. For _schrelna,_ too… it wasn't enough time. I don't know how you manage with twenty minutes."

"So… don't you think we should try and change it?" Carla asked, looking up at her hopefully.

Oh. There it was, then. Alniss had been sure the sudden change of subject was too good to be true. "Yes, if we can, but not at risk to you, Carla. How could I live with myself if you got hurt, or worse?"

Carla looked down at the floor. "I understand," she whispered dejectedly.


	18. Chapter 18

It was a beautiful day. The sun sparkled off the sea, and the sand on the beach was pleasantly warm even through a towel. Kalran tried to focus on only these sensory pleasures as she lay down, stretching her limbs out and letting them soak up the sun, but it was difficult. She'd had a lot on her mind over the last week, and the similarity of sunbathing to absorbing Kandrona was hard to ignore.

"You cheering up a bit now?" Sara asked from beside her. Her words might be casual, but Kalran could hear an undercurrent of worry in them.

"Yes. It's a lovely day, and it's so kind of Kelly and Elsa to invite us." Kalran felt Sara shift beside her at those words.

"You don't sound that enthusiastic. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," Kalran repeated, not wanting to worry her host further. "How are you, anyway? Any news on the dating front?" She turned her head to look at Sara, lifting a hand to shield her eyes from the dazzling sun. The question was sure to distract her, Kalran had chosen it for that reason, and was proved right when Sara flushed a deep scarlet.

"You know, one of the many advantages of being free now is that I can keep secrets from you. _Not_ that I would have wanted to be dating with you in my head, anyway. Eww."

"I'm very flattered," Kalran said sarcastically. "Anyway, _something_ must be happening, unless you've just got amazingly rapid sunburn."

Sara went still redder. "I… um… I sort of… there is someone."

"Oh?" Kalran lifted her head, propping it up in the palm of her hand. "Am I going to get any more information than that?"

Sara smiled, looking down at the sand. "He's called Lee."

Kalran waited for a few moments. When nothing more was forthcoming, she asked: "how long have you been seeing each other?"

"About two months," Sara muttered, still bright red but smiling. "You'd like him. He's studying for a Chemistry PhD."

Kalran nodded. "Sounds good. Obviously it would be better if it was Biology, clearly a superior subject, but I can accept Chemistry."

Sara grinned at her. "Because of course I'm famous for needing your approval."

Kalran smiled back. "I'm happy for you, Sara."

Her host nodded. "I know. I wouldn't be able to do this if it weren't for you."

Kalran frowned, puzzled. "How do you mean? If anything, I've got in the way. All those dates I turned down."

"All two of them, you mean. I wouldn't be free to do this without you, that's what I mean. There'd still be…"

Sara trailed off, clearly unable to suppress the shudder that ran through her body at the thought of infestation. Kalran felt her insides squeeze with guilt.

"I'm so sorry, Sara."

Sara shook her head firmly. "I've told you, you don't need to keep saying that. It wasn't your fault, not really, and you more than made up for it by the end. Anyway, it'll be different when it doesn't mean being part of the Empire. I hope so, anyway."

"Do you mean if you took Oglud?" At Sara's nod, Kalran continued determinedly. "We've had this conversation. I know how much you hate it, and I won't let you hurt yourself. Even if it ever were to be allowed."

"I couldn't just leave them there," Sara responded. "Oglud's done a lot for all of us."

"You wouldn't be leaving them there. There's someone else who's offered to take her, you know. Someone who doesn't hate being Controlled."

The two of them had had this conversation many times, so Sara's responses had seemed automatic, almost rehearsed, until now. "Who?" she said, fixing her eyes on Kalran, evidently surprised.

Kalran hesitated for a few moments before replying. "Carla."

Her host snorted, rolling her eyes with a sneer. "I should have guessed."

"Sara, do you think you could try to…"

"No."

Kalran sighed, recognising from the set of Sara's jaw that it was useless to pursue the topic. Not that the two humans were ever likely to meet again, anyway. Carla had accepted Alniss' ultimatum almost without question, and while she was still going to write anonymously to anyone she could, she'd point-blank refused to see Illim again when Kalran had asked her privately whether she'd consider it. That wasn't a problem, not really- Kalran had little hope that anything anyone did would ever get infestation made legal, but she was very worried about this week's visit to the Pool. Alniss would be accompanying them, and once she saw what things were like Kalran was afraid she'd ban Carla from visiting. Oglud would be distraught…

Kalran's worrying was interrupted by the return of Elsa and Kelly, their hair dripping from the water. Elsa flopped down onto her purple towel, which was next to Kalran's. "You guys should come in, the water's lovely. Lots of very colourful fish, Kal. Just remember to lift your head up occasionally and breathe while you're staring at them."

"You have to _breathe?_ " Kalran joked, widening her eyes in mock shock. "So that's what I've been doing wrong all this time."

Elsa laughed. "What can I say? Us humans are tricky creatures."

Kalran smiled at her. "You're certainly very kind creatures. It was lovely of you to invite me today."

"Our pleasure. Funny Yeerks are my favourite, anyway."

"I'm not that funny. I've a flatmate who's much funnier. He's, er, not peace movement, though."

Thankfully, as Kalran was worried she'd said too much, that information didn't seem to bother Elsa.

"Talking of flatmates," she said in a quieter voice, glancing across at Sara and Kelly, who were deep in conversation, "how did it go the other day with Carla?"

There was a silence as Kalran struggled to decide how under the Kandrona to start with that. "Erm," she said eloquently.

"That well, huh?" Elsa turned her head towards Kalran, propping it up in one hand. Her ponytail, darkened with the water, hung down below her arm, almost brushing the towel.

"It was a bit awkward with Illim," Kalran told her slowly, unsure how much to say. "But Carla did want to help. She even said she might be willing to meet with a politician or someone who would want to see evidence there were willing hosts, even if you guys were there. But… well, something made her change her mind. She's going to write anonymously, though."

Elsa frowned. "What made her change her mind? Do you know?"

Kalran nodded. "Don't get mad, please."

"Why? Was it my letter? It was so hard to get right, but I thought…"

"No. She hasn't even read it… it was Alniss."

Kalran pushed herself up into a sitting position, and Elsa followed suit, the two turning to face each other.

"Alniss…" Elsa murmured, her eyes looking up towards the sky as though trying to search inside her own mind for a half-forgotten memory. "Why does that name ring a bell?"

"She's Silrin's sister," Kalran said gently, watching her companion's face carefully. She wasn't sure what effect the reminder of the war would have on Elsa. Elsa's expression stayed relaxed, however.

"Oh, yes, I remember. Is that how Carla ended up with you guys, then? Because of Alniss?"

Kalran nodded, and Elsa's face shifted into an amused expression.

"Aww. That's almost sweet."

"Yeah, well, it's about to get a lot less sweet," Kalran muttered. "Alniss found out where we'd been, and she's forbidden Carla from doing anything to help except write letters anonymously. Oh, and she can visit the Pool with us, but only if Alniss comes too, and Alniss has never been there before, when she sees what it's like she'll probably say no to that, too, and that would hurt Oglud and I don't know how to prevent it-"

"Whoa," Elsa said gently, laying her hand on Kalran's shoulder. "You don't know that's what will happen. Do you even know whether Carla's going to listen to Alniss?"

"She's told me herself."

Elsa looked discomforted for the first time. "You're right, it's not so sweet anymore. Didn't she even try…" she stopped, shaking her head. "Sorry, I'm slipping into judgement there. Is there any way we can get Alniss to change her mind? You'd think she'd want to help her fellow Yeerks… why did she even say no in the first place?"

"She's terrified for Carla's safety," Kalran replied. "I can understand that, at least. Alniss lost half the people who she was close to at the end of the war. Silrin, of course, but both her mates, too."

The calm expression Elsa had been wearing throughout the conversation evaporated suddenly, and her face drained of colour. Kalran began to search through her mind for what she could possibly have said that would produce that level of reaction: surely Elsa couldn't be that upset about Alniss losing her mates. Her thoughts were interrupted, however, when Elsa spoke.

"Silrin's dead?"

Her voice caught as she asked the question, and Kalran immediately felt awful. "Kandrona, I thought you knew," she whispered. "I'm sorry, I'd never have said it so casually if I'd known."

Elsa said nothing in response for a few seconds, staring at the sand between her toes in a way that suggested she was seeing something quite different. Just as Kalran was becoming worried enough to open her mouth, Elsa muttered: "I don't even know how to react to that."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise," Elsa managed, slowly dragging her eyes up to look at Kalran. "You didn't realise." She paused for a while, opening her mouth and then closing it a couple of times as though unsure what to say next. Eventually she whispered: "how did it happen?"

"When they flushed the Pool ship," Kalran said quietly.

Elsa looked sickened. " _God._ If you'd said I'd ever say this about her I'd have been sure you were insane, but poor, poor Silrin. She never deserved that."

Kalran wasn't sure what to say. Was Elsa grieving in some way, or was she just shocked? It was hard to tell, and Kalran had no idea how an ex-involuntary would usually react to news of their Yeerk's death.

"And poor Alniss _._ They were really close, and to lose her mates as well… and _Carla._ She must be devastated."

"She is," Kalran replied, feeling she was on safer territory here. "I… I think that's part of the reason why she won't try harder to persuade Alniss, or go behind her back. They've become very close."

"Yeah, of course. And this must turn Alniss' annoying Yeerk over-protective thing up to eleven, losing so many other people."

Despite the seriousness of the situation, a slight smile crept onto Kalran's face. "Annoying Yeerk over-protective thing?"

"Oh, you know what I mean, right? Whenever one of the guards had injured me most of my Yeerks went _nuts_ in a manner completely out of proportion to the inconvenience it caused them. Even the ones that were horrible to me got angry about it, I could feel it. I'm sure it must be some sort of Yeerk instinct."

Kalran raised her eyebrows, surprised by Elsa's insight. "Yes, I think it is. Not that the Empire would ever acknowledge it."

"Right," Elsa said slowly, absently twirling her fingers in the sand beside her, watching the little eddies she was creating. "So, we have to convince Alniss it's safe. Any ideas on how?"

Sighing, Kalran shook her head. "Don't you ever give up?"

"Nope. I'm a stubborn little _laklat._ " She looked up at Kalran, grinning. "I got called that a _lot_."

That was not something it was comfortable to hear. _Laklat_ was the most disrespectful way Kalran knew to refer to a host, a word that literally meant a dumb animal, and to hear Elsa use it on herself was deeply disturbing. "You shouldn't call yourself that."

"I'm reclaiming the word," Elsa responded. "I don't care, anyway. Idiotic Yeerks calling me names was the least of my problems. And don't you dare say sorry," she added quickly, for Kalran's mouth had begun to open guiltily. "It wasn't you."

"What's she apologising for this time?" Sara cut in from behind them.

Kalran turned her head to see Sara and Kelly both looking at them, and anxiously hoped they hadn't overheard any more of the conversation.

"Yeerks insulting me," Elsa answered, reaching across to rummage in the beach bag she'd brought with her. "Anyone want a soda?"

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blaze of sunlight and childish fun. Kalran did swim, finally managing to forget her worries as she gloried in the sparkling clear water and the rainbow of fish darting below her. Elsa had a spare snorkel and they swum out a little to some rocks where the marine life was excellent, starfish and sea urchins joining the fish and seaweed they'd already seen further in. When they returned to shore, Kalran further exhausted herself with a spirited game of volleyball, she and Sara easily beating Elsa and Kelly, mainly because of Elsa's lack of hand-eye co-ordination.

"I could do this before I was infested," Elsa groused when she missed the ball for the fifth time.

Kelly pushed her playfully on the shoulder. "That's not gonna work on me. I knew you beforehand, remember?"

"How about 'they're too good a team because they're Yeerk and host'?" Elsa pointed across at Kalran and Sara. "Can I blame the slugs if I do it that way?"

"Don't call Kal a slug," Sara interjeted. "Only I'm allowed to do that."

"How cute." Elsa smirked as she tossed the ball back towards them.

As the sun began to set, they packed up their things and made their way back across the dunes towards Kelly's car. Kalran sneaked a glance at Elsa. She'd been lively enough for most of the afternoon, but she'd suddenly gone unusually quiet, looking out towards the sea as she walked as though in a world of her own.

Kelly'd evidently noticed, too. "You OK?"

There was no answer, nor any indication that she'd heard.

"Elsa!" Kelly called, louder this time.

Elsa turned her head towards them.

"Sorry," she murmured. Her voice sounded strange. "I was just thinking."

"I'll get you a card," Kelly joked, but her smile soon faded when Elsa failed to laugh. "What's wrong?"

Elsa looked down at the sand beneath her feet. "I… I found something out today. It's just a little unsettling, that's all. Kal, can I call you later?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Kalran sensed Kelly and Sara's puzzlement, but they said nothing, and Kalran kept her eyes fixed on Elsa.

"Of course," Kalran said instantly, concern and guilt edging their way into her voice. "Can't I do anything now?"

Elsa shook her head. "I'm fine." With what seemed like some effort, she lifted her head and smiled at the other two. "Who's up for calling at Pizza Hut on the way home?"

Kelly and Sara glanced concernedly at each other, but seemed to decide to leave it for now. "Sure."


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note:** credit for coming up with the word 'tamli' goes to Animorphgirl. This chapter took me a while and I'm still not entirely happy with it, but I hope you all enjoy anyway. Maybe at some stage I will go back and edit it if I think I can do a better job!

* * *

Carla yawned sleepily and rolled over in bed, the sounds of Alniss getting ready for work cutting into her dream, even though the Yeerk was clearly trying to be quiet. It didn't take long for Carla's sleepiness to evaporate, in spite of the late shift she'd had at work last night. The lateness of the hour hadn't stopped Alniss walking to the bus stop with Menhal to pick her up. Carla normally felt guilty about those journeys, especially when it was a late shift and Alniss was at the café next morning, but last night it had been reassuring. Carla hadn't been sure what might have changed between them after the argument between Alniss and Kalran, and it had been comforting that Alniss hadn't changed in that at least.

Feeling wide awake, Carla cracked her eyes open. Alniss was brushing her long hair, bringing it up into a ponytail.

"Hi," Carla said, slightly hesitant.

Alniss looked surprised as she turned towards her. "I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"It's okay. I'm not tired." Carla pushed herself to a half-sitting position, resting the side of her head in one hand. She watched Alniss carefully as she finished tying up her ponytail and moved over to the dresser to pick up some earrings. Carla wanted to say something about the day before: after the conversation with Kalran she'd had little time to talk about anything before going to work, but she wasn't sure how to bring the subject up.

"Are you alright?" Alniss, ever-perceptive, turned to look at her.

Carla looked away, towards the window. Bright sun was peeping around the edge of the yellow blind: it looked like another hot day.

"Carla?"

She heard Alniss step softly across the room, coming into her line of sight as she sat down on her own bed, nearer the window.

"Yes," Carla said slowly. "I just- about yesterday-"

"I don't blame _you_ ," Alniss interrupted quickly, her tone clearly implying who she did blame.

Carla shifted uncomfortably. Kalran and Alniss had never got along particularly well, but she'd also never really seen them argue before… even when Sara'd been there it had been more an argument between Sara and Alniss, Kalran only stepping in to defend her host. She couldn't understand what had made the two of them so hostile to each other… well, Alniss so hostile towards Kalran, at any rate.

"It wasn't Kalran's fault," Carla said quietly, averting her eyes from Alniss'. "She wouldn't want to put me in danger any more than you would."

"Well, I don't think she put you in danger deliberately," Alniss conceded, though to Carla's surprise her tone was a little hurt. "But…" Alniss hesitated, her voice dropping to a whisper. "You can't imagine she'd care as much as I do?"

Carla snapped her eyes back to the Yeerk's, surprised. "Well… no, I suppose not. But she still wouldn't want me to get hurt. She wouldn't risk it."

"She's also a fool," Alniss snapped, her face contorting with anger. "A sympathiser who can't see that any host, any human, might have less than noble motives. But to talk you into being involved, as well…"

"She didn't talk me into it, Alniss. I wanted to do it, I wanted to help."

The bed creaked as Alniss shifted her position, slumping down a little as she let out a sigh. "Why? It's hopeless, Carla, there's nothing to be gained from it."

"There might be. Oglud's lovely, you'll like them. They deserve more than they've got."

Alniss sneered. "Really? They're part of the reason we're in this mess in the first place."

That stung Carla far more than she would have expected, the pain mixed with surprise at both Alniss and herself. She'd only met Oglud once… why would she be so bothered about someone insulting her?

"You get on fine with Kalran," Carla argued, unable to keep a small amount of anger from creeping into her voice. "And you were the one who told me… who helped me understand… what happened in the war wasn't the peace movement's fault."

The Yeerk looked unimpressed. "Not entirely their fault, no, and they never planned for there to be such massive loss of life. But they didn't exactly help, did they? Some of them knew who the Animorphs were… if they'd only told the rest of us…"

Carla shifted uncomfortably, unsure how she felt about that. If that had happened… perhaps Silrin might still be alive, but everyone on Earth who wasn't a voluntary host would be enslaved, which was hardly a comfortable thought. "Oglud might not have known who they were," she said, unable to voice her deeper doubts, struggling to do so even inside her own mind. "Or Kalran," she added, almost as an afterthought.

There was a long silence as Alniss studied her, her head leaning slightly to one side as she watched Carla's face. Uncomfortable, Carla glanced away, looking down at the bedspread with its bright blue cover.

"Exactly how much have you spoken to Oglud?"

Carla looked back up, surprised by the tightness in Alniss' tone. "Not much. Just once, for about fifteen minutes. Why?"

"And that's the truth, is it? You're not lying to me again?"

Carla's eyes widened with shock and hurt. "Alniss…"

"Is that the truth, Carla?" Alniss repeated more insistently, though there was an uncertainty in her eyes that belied her harsh tone.

"Yes," Carla said softly, some of her anger and hurt evaporating at the expression on Alniss' face. "I'm sorry, about before. I should have told you the truth, after everything you've done for me."

Alniss seemed mollified by this, and Carla let her tightened shoulders relax the tiniest bit. They sat in silence for a few moments, Carla watching Alniss turn over one of the earrings she'd not yet put on in her hand, watching the light move across its surface. As she watched her, she felt her guilt grow: Alniss clearly cared about her, was afraid for her… why had she lied to her, of all people? Carla couldn't quite make sense of it, but something in her was nervous about Alniss knowing how close she already felt to Oglud. It hadn't been fair to lie, though, not when Alniss cared about her so much.

"It's alright," Alniss said eventually. "I'm sorry if I've been… irritable… this morning. Yesterday was a lot for me to take in."

"I know. I didn't mean to frighten you, Alniss. I just wanted to… to have the chance to connect to a Yeerk again, that's all."

Alniss frowned again, apparently irritated by that. " _I'm_ a Yeerk."

Hesitating, Carla fiddled with the edge of the duvet, looking down at her hands. To point out that Alniss wasn't, in fact, a Yeerk anymore would only inflame her further, but it wouldn't be right just to accept that statement, either. "Yes," she murmured eventually. "And you've done… do…. a lot for me. But you know what I mean… you… we can't…"

There was a long silence. Concerned, Carla chanced a glance at Alniss, which did not reassure her in the slightest. The Yeerk looked deeply hurt, her eyes gleaming with unshed tears.

"Alniss, are you okay?"

The Yeerk nodded, though her miserable expression contradicted it. "I just… I wish I could help you in the way you need me to, _tamli._ "

Carla frowned slightly. It hadn't escaped her notice that Alniss had used the same word yesterday, nor its significance. She could still remember the first time Silrin had used it, soothing her during a particularly bad panic attack when she'd been infested nearly six months. Silrin had told her that it was an endearment for one's host that indicated a strong bond. Soon afterwards, her Yeerk had begged her never to reveal to anyone that she'd used it. _Tamli_ , Silrin had explained, was a taboo word in the Empire because it had connotations of host sympathy. Her Yeerk had sounded so frightened that Carla had instantly agreed never to say a word to anyone, a promise she had kept up until now.

"I know what that word means," Carla murmured. "Silrin used to call me that."

Alniss smiled slightly. "I don't doubt it." Seeing Carla's expression, her smile faded. "Is it too much?"

Hesitatingly, Carla looked at her. "I.. it did surprise me a little to hear it."

Alniss was quiet for a few moments. "I'm sorry," she said eventually.

"No, no, don't be. I don't mind you saying it." The second sentence wasn't entirely true: it felt very strange for anyone but Silrin to refer to her in that way, but Alniss was upset enough without Carla making things any worse.

"You're sure?" Alniss said doubtfully, frowning at her as though she could read Carla's uncertainty.

"Yes."

Alniss glanced away again. "Maybe you should ask Oglud if they mind me calling you that." The bitterness in her tone was obvious to Carla.

"Are you… jealous?" Carla asked hesitantly.

"Of course not," Alniss snapped back instantly, the response too quick for Carla's liking, as though the Yeerk had been expecting the question. "Why would I be jealous of a Yeerk who's trapped in the Pool when I have my own eyes and ears and body, when I can move in the world as I choose?"

"Sorry," Carla said quickly. "Of course not." Privately, though, she reflected that Alniss actually had quite a lot to be jealous of: while Oglud's situation was difficult, both her mates were still alive, Oglud could interact with many of her siblings in the way a Yeerk should, and there might one day be a chance for her to take a host again, something that was forever beyond Alniss' reach. And if that host was her… well, it was clear Alniss was at least uncomfortable with Oglud and Carla's relationship.

"I don't want you to put too much hope into this, that's all," Alniss added more gently, perhaps realising how much she'd shown of her true feelings. "It will never happen, you do realise that, don't you?"

Carla nodded. "I know. We'll still go and see them at the Pool, though, won't we?" Carla hoped Alniss wouldn't go back on that promise, nor on her desire to accompany Carla. She still hoped that once Alniss saw what conditions were like there, she might relent and let Carla do something to help.

Alniss nodded. "Of course. I've already arranged everything with Kalran, we're going next week."

"You did that fast."

"I didn't want you to think I might not let you go. I can see how important it is to you."

Carla looked across at her again and smiled. She'd been feeling an increased sense of unease as their debate had continued, worrying that Alniss might start to dislike her, so the reminder that Alniss still cared about her was very welcome. "I don't want to upset you, either," she said cautiously. "You'll always be important to me, you know that?"

The Yeerk nodded in reply, smiling back at her. "Likewise." She lifted the hand that was resting on the bed to glance at her watch. "I'm sorry, I really should be going to work… will you be…"

"I'll be fine," Carla interrupted, trying to make her voice as reassuring as possible. "You really shouldn't worry so much."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N:** Sorry for the lateness of this chapter, everyone! Real life has been really hectic recently, and I haven't had very much time to write. Hopefully it's made up for by having a new narrator this chapter, and hopefully I won't be quite as long with the next one!

Also warning for some bad language in the first part of this chapter.

* * *

Elsa was running late. Not that there was anything unusual about that, of course; her being on time for anything other than work was unheard of. However, today it looked like she would be even later than usual because of the crawling queue of traffic in front.

"Bloody buggering hell," Elsa snapped, free to swear as loudly as she liked in the privacy of the car without needing to worry about anyone hearing her. She tapped her fingers impatiently on the steering wheel, a small part of her still reveling in her freedom to make even that small gesture. Most of her mind, though, was consumed with stress and irritation. Kelly and the others would expect her to be late, of course, but if this kept up she was probably going to keep them waiting at least half an hour.

"Oh, will you get a fucking _move_ on!" Futilely swearing at the traffic made her feel better for about half a second, but it didn't last long. She'd been more irritable than usual over the last week… well, more emotional than usual, really, worrying about stupid things and feeling restless whenever she got a few moments to herself.

Despite that, though, it had been a good week. She'd finished her term paper the day before the deadline for once, instead of her usual method of pulling an all-nighter, and she'd made some progress on the getting-Yeerks-hosts front that she was keen to share with Kelly, Sara and the others. If only she could get there.

The group had agreed to take a walk together for their next meeting, all of them keen to avoid being stuck inside on what forecasters had correctly promised to be a glorious day. Quite apart from not wanting to keep them waiting, Elsa knew she would need to head back before the stores closed. Her mom had asked her to pick up some last-minute ingredients for her sister's birthday cake, a task Elsa would not allow herself to forget.

"Fourteen," Elsa murmured to herself, not quite able to understand when her sweet baby sister had turned into a teenager. The number had a more sinister significance, though, which kept pushing its way back into Elsa's mind no matter how much she fought it. From tomorrow, Annie would be the same age as Elsa had been when she was first infested.

The thought made Elsa's hands begin to sweat, her breathing speeding up as a memory began to push itself insistently at the edge of her mind.

 _Paralysis. Complete and total paralysis. While Elsa was still trying to twist her body, to throw off the hands holding her head under the water, suddenly she couldn't. Was this what dying felt like? Was she drowning? But why… why would the Sharing leaders kill her… surely if everyone who tried to become a full member disappeared someone would notice. Maybe some sort of bizarre initiation ritual, then, maybe they'd let her up in a minute, in which case she was going to tell them exactly where they could stick their offer of membership._

 _(You're not going to drown. It's alright.)_

 _No it bloody well wasn't alright! Elsa couldn't work out where the voice was coming from; under the water? Above it? It didn't seem to come from anywhere._

 _(I'm in your head,) the voice replied, which was not as reassuring as the voice seemed to believe._

 _Suddenly, Elsa felt her hand moving without her asking it to, tapping a complicated rhythm against the arm of the man holding her down. He released her instantly, and her head began to move too, lifting out of the sludgy water. While being able to breathe again was welcome, any sense of relief was utterly overwhelmed by the rising sense of panic that her body seemed to be moving of its own accord. Unless… was the mysterious voice doing it? Was she going mad? Maybe there was something in the sludge they'd forced her into that made people turn insane and think there was something else moving them around… maybe Elsa was moving herself, as always, but she had some kind of mental illness that made her think…_

 _(You haven't gone mad. I'm the one moving your body. My name is Silrin… I'm something called a Yeerk. We can attach to brains and control them.)_

 _Again, this was not as reassuring as the voice seemed to think. (I don't want you to control_ mine _!) Elsa tried to shout, but no sound came out._

 _(I have to, Elsa,) the voice said, indicating that at least the voice had heard her even if no-one else had._

 _(No you don't! Let me go!)_

 _Elsa felt some feeling that was not her own, a sensation of sadness, guilt even. But it was gone as soon as she felt it, and then her mouth was moving of its own accord._

" _I have control."_

Breathing hard, Elsa came out of the memory at a honk of a horn from behind her, and realised the traffic ahead of her had moved on some way. Hastily sliding the car back into drive, she hurried to catch up with the queue of traffic, sending a silent prayer of thanks that the memory had at least appeared to haunt her while the car was stationary rather than moving. It had been over a year since memories had stopped appearing out of the blue like that, but this week it had suddenly begun happening again. Elsa wondered whether it had something to do with her finding out that Silrin had died. The news had hurt her more than she was willing to admit, and on top of that there was the shock and confusion about how to react. Silrin had hardly been Elsa's only Yeerk, and she knew what had happened to many of the others since the war, but learning one of her Yeerks had died in such a horrific way… well, it had been unsettling, to say the least.

After another twenty minutes of tense driving, Elsa finally arrived at the meeting spot, a car park near a lake in the mountains. The others were gathered around Kelly's car, Sara resting against the edge, while Adam passed a flask of water across to Illim. Kelly grinned as she saw Elsa's car pull in, and rolled her eyes as Elsa scrambled out and hurried up to them.

"Good evening," Kelly said sarcastically.

"Sorry. The traffic was awful."

"Yeah, we were late too. Not this late, though," Sara cut in with a smile.

"I always go the extra mile," Elsa shot back, grinning too.

"Maybe we should start telling you we're meeting fifteen minutes earlier than we actually are." Unlike the others, Huan did not smile. He was fastidiously well-organised and, Elsa heard, usually early.

"Sorry, Huan. I always intend to be on time but… it just somehow doesn't happen."

He raised an eyebrow, but thankfully didn't say anything else. Elsa wasn't sure she could cope with the stress today.

They set off walking along the path from the car park towards the lake, the sun beating down on them from a cloudless sky. Elsa soon felt sweat begin to trickle down from her forehead, but she was glad of the exertion, the boost it gave to her mood.

"How's Kalran?" she asked Sara after a few minutes' quiet walking.

Sara gave her a funny look. "You could at least ask how I am first."

"Sorry. It's just that I can see you look fine, but Kalran worries me. How are you?"

Sara smiled slightly. "Worried about her too. She's massively stressed about _something_ this week, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is."

Elsa frowned. "I think I might have an idea. Think she had a bit of a disagreement with one of the Yeerks she lives with."

Frowning, Sara said: "How come she tells you that and not me?"

"It came up," Elsa replied. "We were talking about something you said you wanted to have nothing to do with, and the argument Kalran had with Alniss was about that."

The other girl looked, if anything, even more puzzled, the sound of her feet crunching against the gravel path suddenly silent as she halted. After a few moments, though, she seemed to figure it out. "Oh. The voluntary."

Elsa bit back the impulse to remind Sara that 'the voluntary' had a name. She could understand the others' distaste for voluntary hosts. She'd felt it herself in the earlier days of her infestation, but it was impossible to feel undiscriminating hatred for so long when you watched people cross in front of your cage every three days and saw how terrified, how guilty, most of them looked. Her rage had slowly been replaced by curiosity, and then by pity, and the anger was now almost completely gone. Elsa herself often questioned whether she was doing the right thing by trying to rebuild bridges, but so far she'd always ended up deciding that she was.

"Yeah," she answered eventually. "Apparently Alniss isn't too happy about the idea of her working with us."

Sara gave a snort of derision as she began to walk up the path again, following Huan, Alma and Kelly, who had pulled quite a way ahead.

"You've met Alniss?"

"Unfortunately."

"It doesn't look like you're her biggest fan," Elsa observed, looking at Sara's wrinkled nose and disdainful expression.

"She's a little _shit,_ " Sara responded, far more sharply than Elsa was expecting. "She's one of those Yeerks, you know, the 'this is all for your own good and you'll see in the end' ones. Talks all nicey-nicey to you as long as you're obeying her, but still completely willing to shove you in a cage if you're not. And she was horrible to Kal at first, thinks she's a traitor."

"I see."

"If she's started on her again I swear I'm going to crush the little slug until she…"

"Whoa," Elsa exclaimed, alarmed at the violence in Sara's tone. "I think she might be a bit big for squashing, now."

"That won't stop me trying," Sara muttered darkly.

There was silence for a few moments as they rounded the corner of the path, the trees opening up to reveal the lake, shimmering sapphire in the bright sunlight. Elsa wasn't sure how to respond to Sara's anger, so let herself just walk for a few minutes, trying to push aside her worry to enjoy the glory of the day. Trying and failing, until Sara interrupted her again.

"So, what's Alniss' problem _this_ time?"

Elsa explained, watching Sara's face get steadily stormier as she did so.

"And Carla just, what, gave Alniss a little bow and gave in?"

Despite her resolution to try and understand Carla's perspective, Elsa smiled. "I don't know if any bowing was involved. But yeah, it sounds like she won't go against what Alniss wants. Not yet, anyway."

" _Voluntaries,_ " Sara spat disdainfully. "I still can't believe you can stand to work with them."

"I've got some news on that front, actually. Though maybe we should catch up with the others before I share it," Elsa said, looking down the path to where the rest of the group were setting out a picnic at the lakeside.

A few minutes later, the pair of them settled down on some rocks near the shore, Elsa reaching across for a few Doritos before accepting a soda from Kelly. She ate quietly for a while, watching the others chatting, Illim still relatively quiet despite the amount of time he'd spent with their group by now. Eventually, once most of the savoury food had been consumed, Huan cleared his throat.

"Should we get down to business?"

"Mmm," Kelly murmured in reply, her mouth full of cookie, while Elsa nodded.

"Sure."

"I've made some leaflets," Alma said quietly after a few seconds, reaching into her bag to pull out a piece of colourful paper. "I'm not sure what you'll think, though. It's such a hard thing to communicate in so little space." She passed the paper on to Kelly, who looked puzzledly at the first side, flipped it over and then smiled.

The cover of the leaflet, when it reached Elsa, was a colourful painting of a countryside scene, with the text: "Enjoy seeing this?" Elsa frowned, not quite certain how the picture linked to what the leaflet was supposed to be about, but the answer became clear as she turned over the page and the text continued: "So did Tamhet 1209 of the Sulp Niar pool. It's her favourite piece of art." More information about the Yeerk followed, which brought tears to Elsa's eyes as she read it. Tamhet's sibling, Lissis, had been starved as a sympathiser because his host had asked to be freed and Lissis had let him go. Of course, the Empire had found out, resulting in Lissis' death. Tamhet had continued to fight for the movement despite this, refusing to give up until the war's end. A few years later, Tamhet had found she was allergic to the morphing technology, separating her from most of her remaining siblings.

"Poor _thing,_ " Elsa murmured.

Her mind wasn't really focused as she scanned further down the page: an explanation of the allergic Yeerks' situation followed, with an emphasis on those who were in the peace movement, ending with the question "Don't we owe them more than this?" and a website to visit to find out more. Elsa could see it was very persuasive, but she was too caught up with Tamhet's story to really concentrate on the words.

"It looks great, Alma," Elsa said eventually, raising her eyes from the leaflet. "How'd you find all this out?"

Alma looked towards Illim. "Illim has some friends who are still in the Pool. He booked in to see one of them, and they gathered some stories for him from the others. We've got stories from six now who were peace movement Yeerks with human hosts: those are probably our best bet at convincing people."

Elsa frowned. "You're right, but it's not exactly a hundred per cent honest, is it? If we act like it's only peace movement Yeerks we'd be helping…"

There was a snort of laughter from both Adam and Illim; laughter that came at exactly the same time from both of them, which was a little disturbing. "Since when has any form of marketing been a hundred per cent honest?" Adam asked, with a wry smile.

"This marketing should be," Elsa argued, ignoring the joke. "The people who used to be hosts are owed the truth."

Alma looked uncomfortable. "So what am I supposed to say? 'This is Innis, they used to enslave people and now are stuck in the pool, shouldn't we let them out?"

Elsa bit her lip. She had to admit that wasn't going to convince anyone, but she didn't want to give anyone the misconception that they were only involving the peace movement Yeerks, it wouldn't be fair.

"Maybe we should only include the peace movement," Kelly interjected. "Can we really trust the others with hosts?"

"We'd need checks, obviously," Adam said. "But it's not like anyone will stop the hosts leaving if they want to quit after three days, so the Yeerks would have to treat them well."

Elsa and Kelly exchanged a look. Both of them had, at different times, had some very cruel Yeerks, Yeerks who had tortured them for the fun of it. "A Yeerk can do a lot of damage in three days," Elsa said quietly.

"Maybe we should just give all the non-peace movement ones to ex-voluntaries," Sara muttered darkly. "They already agreed to take the risk when they chose to go along with the Yeerks taking over the whole bloody planet."

Elsa felt anger bubble in the pit of her stomach. Sara couldn't possibly know what she was threatening there, of course, but the hatred in her voice made Elsa nervous. "You don't know what you're saying, Sara," she snapped.

The other girl frowned. "Don't I?"

"No. You only ever had Kal. And I know at the start she wasn't peace movement, and I'm not underestimating how horrible that was, but I can't imagine her deliberately hurting you."

Sara looked concernedly at her, her annoyance at Elsa's tone seeming to lessen. "Are you okay?"

Realising there were tears in the corner of her eyes, Elsa swallowed hard. "I am now, thanks. But it… it can screw you up for life just having a Yeerk like that for three days. One of mine only lasted nine before they got banished to the Pool, but I… by their third feed I didn't even feel I could stand up. Or speak."

Illim made a choking sound. "Elsa…"

"It's not your fault," Kelly said quickly to him, Elsa not daring to say any more in case she started to tear up again.

There was a long silence. Elsa glanced out over the shimmering water, the light glinting off it in sharp shards as it hit the wrinkles the wind was making on the surface. The leaves of the trees beyond were rustling gently in the breeze.

She was drawn back from the view when Sara hesitantly asked: "Banished to the Pool?"

"It happens sometimes," Elsa muttered. "If your Yeerk is so evil that even the Empire thinks it's wrong. Well, if they think they're 'damaging' a host, anyway. I think it's more of a practical concern than a moral one, not that I wasn't grateful for it."

"It's moral as well," Illim whispered, so quietly Elsa almost didn't hear him.

Forcing a smile, she looked over towards him. "I'm sure for some Yeerks it is. Maybe even most."

He wasn't quite meeting her eyes, and his body leant towards Adam, probably unconsciously.

"I'm okay, Illim. Thanks in large part to you. You don't need to look so worried."

He nodded, still looking nervous. Another silence followed, longer than the last. Elsa let her mind wander, wondering what they should do. Checks to keep hosts safe would be essential, of course, and Elsa was sure there were people better qualified and more creative than her who might be able to work out some that could work. What they said on the leaflets and the website in the meantime, however, was up to them. "What if we say at the end that we just want to start a conversation?" she asked. "Then we're not for or against including the Yeerks who weren't in the movement, we just want people to be considering the issue, and take it from there. See what other people say."

Alma nodded thoughtfully. "I could have something like 'join the conversation' at the end, and then on the webpage set things out in more detail, maybe even a questionnaire asking for people's opinions."

Elsa nodded, and there were murmurs of agreement from the others. The meeting continued more positively after that, and Elsa soon had the opportunity to share the news she'd been sitting on all day.

"Two things," she said, glancing across at Kelly and Sara. "Do you want the bit you won't like first or the bit you will?"

Kelly frowned. "What bit we won't like?"

Elsa sighed, deciding to get it over with quickly. "My sister and I both go to choir… well, she goes to youth choir, which is first, and I drive her and stay till the adult one, which is right after. So anyway, it's a mixed age one, and a few weeks ago a new little girl joined. I recognised her Mom… and this is the bit you won't like... she was a voluntary in the war. Well, she realised who I was, too, and I think it was only her daughter that was keeping her in the room, you could tell she wanted to run out the door, but last week I managed to actually have a conversation with her. I haven't mentioned it to her yet, it's taken us three weeks just to get to 'hello', but I'm wondering whether maybe she might be able to help us, eventually."

Kelly shook her head slowly. "Elsa, why…"

"We've already been through this, Kel."

"We have. I don't understand it, no matter how many times you explain it." She paused for a second, then shook her head. "Anyway. What's the other news?"

"Jean Berenson," Elsa said, hoping the name would divert the others' attention. Sara, Kelly and Huan's sour faces did not make her want to give any more details about Jasmine, the voluntary she'd met.

The strategy worked: Sara leaned forward, Kelly stopped looking mutinous, and even Huan sat up a little straighter. "Has she replied to you?"

"Yes. It helps that I knew her in the war… I helped her out in the cages, you know how you do for new hosts, and she remembers that. She says she'd be willing to meet with us and hear us out, though she isn't willing to try and influence Jake. But her own voice would be pretty influential."

"Certainly," Adam murmured, surprise evident in his voice. "Wow."

Elsa let a smile spread itself on her face. "I know, right? Sara, will you tell Kal the good news?"

Sara nodded. "Sure. She's so pessimistic, though, it probably won't cheer her up that much."

Elsa shook her head slowly, her mood instantly dropping. Kalran deserved better, poor thing, much better. Knowing Kalran had been part of the movement was one thing, but Elsa'd still expected not to like her much. Then she'd met her. She was so different to most of the Yeerks Elsa had known, so gentle, so passive, that Elsa wasn't sure how she'd survived in the Empire at all. She couldn't forget, either, that Kalran had made time to call her after Elsa had found out about Silrin, even though it must have been awkward for her.

As the shadows of the trees began to lengthen around them, they began to pack up the remainder of the picnic and make their way back to the cars. It was a beautiful spot, one a Yeerk would love, and Elsa made a mental note to see if they could convince Kal to join them here next time they came. But the beauty of Earth probably wasn't enough to help her. Morphing had seemed such a good solution, but Elsa was increasingly questioning how merciful it truly had been. To give up your own body permanently… it was a massive adjustment, something she wondered whether the Animorphs and the government had even considered.

She was jerked out of her thoughts as she reached her car, and the others began to say their goodbyes.

"Next week?" Huan asked. "We could meet at mine if you like, I'll text you the address? Maybe around…" he hesitated, glancing at Elsa, "twelve-thirty?"

Elsa strongly suspected he would text the others later and tell them all to come at one, but she supposed she deserved it. She might actually be early for the meeting for once, if she aimed for half twelve. "Sure. See you then."


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Note:** So I finally have managed another chapter! Sorry for the delay. I am moving house (and jobs!) again in the next few weeks, though, so I don't know when the next one will be. Hope you enjoy this one anyway.

* * *

Kalran walked nervously down the street, very conscious of the suspicious gaze of Alniss pressing against her back. Alniss was walking behind with Carla, who seemed as anxious as Kalran felt. They were changing to the final bus that would take them out to the Pool entrance, and Kalran had been feeling increasingly sick throughout the journey.

The bus was quiet, so it was easy to find a group of three seats together. Ilkiss wasn't joining them for this trip, a circumstance that made the visit even harder for Kalran. He was a nurse in a hospital, and the allocation of Pool visiting times was inflexible: they had the same slot every fortnight, which meant it often conflicted with Ilkiss' shifts. Kalran was very thankful she had a regular 9-5, and they'd managed to get an evening visiting time, or Oglud would often have no-one.

"How long's this one?" Alniss asked, breaking the silence that had descended on the three of them for most of the journey.

"Only fifteen minutes," Kalran said quietly. "It's the shortest."

Alniss nodded. "It's a long way for you, Kalran. You'd think they could open more entrances."

Kalran felt a jolt of surprise at the empathy in Alniss' voice, and met her eyes for the first time. She'd been so worried Alniss would think the journey too long for Carla, try and prevent her visiting, but the last time Alniss had addressed her this kindly had been after the attempted attack on the Pool.

"Thank you," she murmured, too shocked to be clearer.

Carla turned her head towards them; she'd been staring out of the window most of the trip, looking cheerier to hear Kalran and Alniss' friendlier interaction.

"It's crap that Ilkiss can't come," she said in a low voice, looking at Kalran. "You must miss him."

Kalran looked away. "It's a shame the visiting schedule is so inflexible," she said. She hadn't told Carla that she and Ilkiss no longer considered each other mates. She suspected Alniss guessed: he didn't spend anywhere near enough time with Kalran to convince another Yeerk they were still together, but Carla didn't really know how Yeerk relationships worked.

Kalran looked across at Alniss, who gave her a sad smile.

"How was work today?" Alniss said quickly to Carla. "It's good you could get the evening off."

"It was fine," Carla replied, frowning. "You've already asked me that."

"Have I? I guess I forgot."

Carla looked across at Kalran, puzzled. "Kalran... I'm sorry if this seems rude, but... is everything, y'know, OK, with you and Ilkiss?"

That was more perceptive than Kalran had been expecting. "I... look, please don't say anything to Oglud."

Carla hesitated, half-opening her mouth before seeming to think better of it and closing it again.

"Ilkiss and I... it's... we're not... I suppose we're just friends now, really."

"I'm sorry." Carla reached to touch Kalran's arm. "I shouldn't have asked."

"We did wonder," Alniss said gently. "That's very difficult for you. I'm sorry." She paused for a few seconds. "You're not telling Oglud?"

It was hardly any of Alniss' business, but Kalran wasn't about to start saying that: the last thing she wanted was yet another argument. Instead, she simply shook her head.

"Oh," Carla murmured. "I... sorry, but I reckon they'll see eventually. I don't think I can make myself forget about it."

"Carla, you do realise how unlikely it is that Oglud will ever be allowed to infest you, don't you?"

"Yes, Alniss, I know. You've told me."

Kalran looked across at Carla, forcing a smile, though she didn't feel particularly cheerful. "I think in that situation she'd notice anyway."

About fifteen minutes later, the three of them were walking across the field towards the entrance, Kalran bracing herself for their encounter with the Andalite and human guards. The humans were about as pleasant as she expected. She climbed down into the darkness first, soon feeling the familiar icy sensation of the edge of a tailblade against her neck.

She heard Alniss and Carla descend behind her. By straining her eyes to turn them as far as she could, she could just about see them.

(Move, then, filth,) the Andalite guarding her snapped.

They descended the steep, uneven steps towards the Pool's cavern, Kalran foremost and therefore unable to see the others. She spent the whole descent worrying about what was happening behind her: would they hurt Carla? Surely Alniss would decide the risk was too great for the two of them to return again.

It seemed like a feeding cycle before the Andalites finally showed them to chairs along the wall of the cavern, and the blades were removed from their throats. Kalran hardly dared to look across at Alniss, but forced herself to anyway; there was no sense in delaying, it would only worry her further.

Alniss was gently brushing her fingers across Carla's neck, as though checking for injury, but thankfully this time there wasn't a scratch on her skin. Satisfied, Alniss let her hand fall and turned away, her eyes glancing towards the Pool, a strange expression on her face.

"It's unsettling, isn't it, to see the pool again?" Kalran ventured.

The other Yeerk nodded. "I haven't seen the glow of the Kandrona since I morphed. It feels... very strange."

Kalran nodded, letting her own eyes follow the direction of Alniss' gaze. As she looked at the gloopy, brown surface of the Pool, half-formed memories came to her: slipping into the warm, comforting thickness of the sludge... furtive palp-to-palp conversations with other peace movement members, constantly fearful of Empire spies... twining her body around Oglud's in greeting...

She bit her lip sharply at the last memory, bringing her awareness back to her human form with a jolt, trying to hold back the tears she could feel forming. She looked quickly across at Alniss: the other Yeerk seemed lost in her own thoughts, staring at the surface of the Pool just like Kalran had been. Good. She didn't want Alniss to see her cry.

Carla was watching Alniss with some concern, which made Kalran take a closer look, realising the other Yeerk looked near tears as well. She felt a squeeze of guilt in her gut: this must be so much worse when you'd lost so many, and here Kalran was thinking only of herself.

" _Schrellatie,"_ she managed, reaching a hand towards Alniss'.

She was slightly surprised when she touched Alniss' skin that the hand hadn't been pulled away. Alniss wasn't usually receptive to comfort from her: if anything, Kalran's attempts to soothe had a tendency to make things worse.

"I- I was just thinking about... about..." Alniss trailed off for a second, taking a deeper breath. "Those I lost."

Kalran opened her mouth to respond, not entirely sure of what she would say, what words of comfort she could offer, but before she could say anything she heard a nasty voice in her mind, dripping with sadistic contempt.

(Good riddance, I say.)

Alniss jerked, her hand pulling away from Kalran's, as she looked around at the Andalite guard behind them. His upper body leant towards the three of them, uncomfortably close to Alniss.

(The rest of you slugs would have gone the same way if I'd had anything to do with it,) he continued, clearly enjoying Alniss' distress.

There was a sudden clatter, and Kalran looked round to see Carla's chair lying on the floor, knocked over by the force with which she'd leapt up from it. Kalran froze for a second as she saw the human leap towards the Andalite who'd spoken, her hand curled into a fist.

Luckily, Alniss was quicker to react, grabbing Carla's arm and pulling her away. "Carla, no."

The glare Carla turned on the Andalite was ferocious. "But-"

"They're more powerful than you and they have tailblades."

"I don't care," Carla growled, still trembling with rage, though Kalran noticed she didn't attempt to pull away from the restraint of Alniss' arm.

"They probably won't let you come again if you attack them."

Alniss' calm words made panic begin to rise again in Kalran's belly... what would they do if Carla couldn't come, perhaps for years?

Fortunately, though, Carla seemed to think the same thing, and her enraged expression gave way to anxiety. She dropped her eyes, and hastily reached to right her chair.

(Good choice, filth,) the Andalite sneered.

Carla glared at him, but sank back into her chair. They sat in silence for a few seconds, before another thought-speak voice cut into Kalran's mind.

(Thassarouth-Mendal-Nestreen, Prince Jilrahil requests your presence at the entrance. I will guard these Yeerks.)

The cruel Andalite... Thassarouth... looked none-too-pleased as far as Kalran could tell from her limited knowledge of Andalite body language, but he went, one stalk eye fixed mockingly on them until he turned the corner to the stairs. The other Andalite settled himself, not behind them as they usually did, but in front and slightly to the side, resting a hind leg rather than maintaining the usual military-straight posture. Kalran dared to sneak curious glances at him, trying not to openly stare.

(I would like to apologise for my fellow warrior's words,) he said after a few moments, his main eyes on Alniss.

Alniss' head jerked up, her mouth open in surprise. Kalran imagined her own expression was not dissimilar... an Andalite warrior, _apologising?_

"Thanks," Carla said after a few seconds, both Kalran and Alniss still too shocked to make a sound. "Looks like you found the Yeerk mute button," she added, an amused tone in her voice.

(I'm not sure I understand your meaning,) the Andalite said, turning a third eye onto Carla.

"It was a joke... I meant... never mind."

Kalran managed to recover herself enough to close her mouth and take a breath. "What's your name?" she managed eventually, when she felt able to speak again.

The Andalite turned his eyes towards her. (I am Warrior Fendarin-Jilloran-Hadreen. What is your name?)

Kalran told him, and Alniss, finally sufficiently recovered from the shock to speak, gave hers too. When Carla nervously gave him her name, it was his turn to seem surprised, three of his eyes pointing in her direction at the same time, which Kalran was sure must indicate interest.

(A human? How interesting. You have a beautiful planet.)

Carla frowned a little, puzzled, but said simply: "Thanks."

(I have been fortunate enough to acquire a human morph. I have much enjoyed exploring your sense of taste when not on duty. The taste of the bulbous plant you call 'garlic' is particularly pleasant.)

Carla glanced across at Alniss. "Right. Yeah, I guess garlic bread is nice."

(It is, though I preferred to consume the plant alone. The flavour was stronger.)

Kalran couldn't help smiling slightly at that, though she brought her expression back to neutral as quickly as she could, wary of the Andalite's reaction if he caught her laughing at him.

He wasn't paying attention to her, though, his eyes back on Alniss' face, which had settled back into a melancholy expression. (My condolences on your loss, Alniss seven-five-four.)

She jumped violently, almost slipping from the chair. "I... what?"

The Andalite looked uncomfortable, pawing at the ground with a forehoof. (I hope I have not offended you. I do not know the Yeerk customs of condolence...)

"No," Alniss managed. "I'm not offended, I... I just..." she trailed off, staring open-mouthed at Fendarin. Kalran imagined her own expression was similar.

"I think she's wondering why you're being kind to her," Carla interjected. "Andalites usually aren't. You're not being sarcastic, are you?"

(My translator chip does not understand that word.)

"Do you mean what you just said?" Carla clarified after a slight pause.

Fendarin turned his main eyes to her, leaving a stalk eye on Alniss. (Why would I say it if I did not mean it?)

"OK," Carla said with a nod.

Alniss moved her mouth without uttering a sound for a few seconds, then managed a choked: "Thank you."

Fendarin inclined his tail blade slightly, toward the ground. Kalran struggled to remember what she'd been taught about Andalite gesture- she believed it indicated acceptance, rather like a nod, but she wasn't entirely certain. It would seem to fit, though.

"Say," Carla began, and Kalran did not have to search her memory to read the expression of shrewd calculation in her face. "Is it possible to ask for particular guards when we visit?"

Fendarin looked back to her, and it was a few moments before he spoke. (No one has asked that before. I am afraid I do not know.)

"Can you find out?"

(I will ask Prince Jilrahil, but I imagine the answer will be no. He believes we should ensure the Yeerks understand that they are permitted to see their fellows on our terms, not theirs.) Fendarin pawed at the ground again. (I am sorry.)

"I'm not a Yeerk, though."

(I do not think that will affect his answer. After all, you speak for them.)

Carla was silent for a second, frowning. "OK. It's just I've a load of garlic going spare at home. If you can manage to be at the entrance this time in two weeks, it's yours. I'll bring it along just in case."

Fendarin straightened his upper body, his tail raising a little. (Andalite warriors do not accept bribes. Not even in the form of delicious human plants.)

Carla nodded. "OK. Sorry."

They sat in silence for a while, Kalran sneaking little glances at Fendarin, still shocked at his politeness. Part of her was delighted at their good luck: it felt immeasurably better to be sitting here with him than it ever had with the others; but part of her felt the hurt of those other times more keenly than she ever had, now knowing how different it could be.

Before long, Fendarin announced that it was time to go in. (You are aware of the twenty-minute time limit?)

Kalran nodded, a twist in her gut at the reminder. It always felt more like five minutes; it was never enough. "Yes." After a second, she added, respectfully: "Warrior Fendarin."

(I will give you a warning when there are five minutes remaining, and again at one minute, to give you sufficient time to close your conversation.)

Another two Andalites joined them, and they were escorted, blades at their throats again, to the tiny chamber where the communication equipment sat. As soon as the blade left her throat, Kalran ran over to the screen, her fingers flying across the Galard keypad.

 _Oglud,_ nishli _,_ _it's Kalran. Are you okay?_

 _I'm very well,_ came the almost-instant response. _Except for missing you both, as always. How are you,_ nishli _? Ilkiss isn't there?_

 _No,_ Kalran responded, a twinge in her stomach. _I'm sorry, Oglud, his shifts at work..._

 _Don't worry. I know he can't always make it. How are you?_

 _I'm doing great, thanks. Except for all this, of course._ Kalran swallowed hard as she typed the lie- she was feeling far from great, but it would be hard for Oglud to tell through this. She tried not to think about the fact that that was true the other way around, as well.

 _And Carla? How is she?_

 _She's fine. She's here with me._

 _Is she? Really? Again? Oh, please thank her for me, it was such a joy to speak with her last time. Tell her she mustn't feel she has to come, though, it must take a long time for her to travel here._

Kalran turned to Carla, noting that both she and Alniss were standing close, looking at the screen. In vain in Carla's case, of course, as she didn't know Galard, but obviously Alniss understood every word. Kalran swallowed nervously, avoiding the other Yeerk's eyes.

Carla smiled when Kalran passed on Oglud's message, asking Kalran to assure Oglud it was no trouble.

 _There's someone else here with me as well,_ Kalran typed, once she'd done as Carla asked. She didn't feel she could leave Oglud in ignorance that there was someone else reading their conversation who could actually understand it. _Alniss- you remember, who I live with? She... her schrellie Silrin was Carla's Yeerk in the war._

The time it took Oglud to respond was longer than usual. _Greetings, Alniss. May the Kandrona shine and strengthen you._

"Tell them, 'and you'," Alniss said, her tone expressionless.

 _It's good to meet you, Alniss,_ Oglud responded, once Kalran had passed on Alniss' reply. _It's very kind of you to visit me._

"Tell them I came to make sure Carla was safe," Alniss instructed.

Kalran hesitated, reluctant. "I-"

"No, don't," Carla said quickly, a worried frown etching itself on her forehead. "It'll only worry them, they'll think it isn't safe for me to come."

"It doesn't seem very safe so far. Oglud must be aware of that."

"They're not," Kalran admitted, finding her voice. "Ilkiss and I have only told them the bare minimum about how the Andalites are. We didn't want Oglud to worry about us."

Kalran was distracted by the beep of the computer terminal.

 _Kalran?_ _Are you still there?_

Kalran hastened to type a reply, trying to tune out the sound of the debate that ensued behind her between Carla and Alniss. Carla was getting bolder, she reflected; challenging Alniss more than Kalran had ever seen, which she supposed was a good thing on the whole, but it wasn't likely to do much for Alniss' mood. Nor did Kalran want to be the cause of a falling-out between the two: despite how uncomfortable Alniss' Empire-influenced, controlling attitude to Carla sometimes made her, she could see the friendship was good for both of them.

 _Of course, nishli. I'm sorry, I was distracted for a moment. What have you been doing? Are you still able to access the databases?_

Oglud, an ex-engineer, had been spending their time in the Pool going through all the old Empire training courses. So far, they'd learned two new human languages and were currently completing a xenomicrobiology course, Kalran's own area of interest.

 _Yes,_ Oglud replied. _This module is very interesting, it's on human immune responses, but... Kalran, is everything all right?_

 _Yes, of course._ Kalran replied, another pinch of guilt making itself felt as she told yet another lie.

 _Are you sure?_

Kalran hesitated, uncertain. She wasn't sure she could lie again, not even to protect her mate from worry... neither of them could see anything of the other's emotional responses beyond the words they used, it made it far easier to keep information from each other, but she was tiring of it. And if it were her in the Pool, wouldn't she want Oglud to tell her the truth?

 _It's just... it's nothing to worry about, it's just that Alniss and I don't see eye-to-eye on everything, that's all._

 _Anything in particular?_ Oglud responded quickly.

 _She isn't sure about Carla coming here. The Andalites... they've never deliberately harmed us, but they're not very pleasant. She came today because she doesn't trust me to keep her safe._

There was a longer delay, this time, before Oglud's response. _They sound close._

Kalran chanced a glance across at Alniss, who still seemed to be fully focused on her discussion with Carla. _They are. Alniss lost a lot in the war... she's very nervous about losing Carla too._

 _Losing? It's as dangerous as_ that?

It was hard to tell from words alone, but Kalran was pretty sure Oglud was starting to panic, too. _No, of course not. Alniss is, well, a little paranoid. The worst risk is insults, really._

There were a few moments where Oglud didn't respond. _Will you tell Carla she mustn't feel she has to go through all this? I enjoyed her visit, but it's fine if she doesn't want to come again, or if it's not safe. I wouldn't want her to put herself in harm's way for my sake. And you and Ilkiss, too, you shouldn't have to go through all that._

 _Of course I'll tell her. And don't you dare even think about suggesting that Ilkiss and I don't come. Separation from you... nishli, that would be far worse than anything the Andalites can do to us._

Raising her head from the screen, Kalran turned to see Alniss and Carla's attention on her again. She relayed Oglud's message, watching Carla's face carefully.

"Tell them thanks, but I'm OK." Carla said determindely, no trace of uncertainty visible in her eyes. "I'm going to keep coming, as long as it's OK that Alniss comes with me every once in a while, just to see how things are. Tell them it is safe, though, the guards are just rude and I can handle that. I don't want Oglud to worry."

Kalran glanced at Alniss, surprised. Alniss nodded. "I'm not going to stop her coming," she said slowly, as though the words were hard to get out.

Curious, Kalran wanted to ask more, but that could wait. She hastily relayed Carla's message.

 _Tell her I'm very grateful for her time,_ Oglud said instantly. _How's work, nishli? It's still going well?_

 _Yes, it's fine,_ Kalran responded. _The research is fascinating, and so useful: we think we may have found a way to slow the reproduction of cancerous cells more than has ever been done before. But we need larger scale studies._

 _That's wonderful. It sounds like it will make a big difference to a lot of humans. And our people too, I suppose, those who are human nothlits. How are the others at work? Have you made any friends?_

 _I don't want to tell them what I am,_ Kalran admitted. _That makes it more difficult to strike up friendships. But I'm fine._

 _You can't always be on your own,_ Oglud replied, clearly concerned.

 _I'm not. I told you about the group of humans who want to help you all, didn't I? Sara, Elsa and the rest? So far they've taken me out to dinner, we've been to the beach, we've been to the movies twice... we're becoming good friends._

 _That's wonderful,_ Oglud said warmly.

 _How are Felrud and Narliss?_ Kalran asked. Felrud and Narliss were Oglud's _schrelna_ : Narliss had been allergic too, and was in the Pool, while Felrud visited on a regular basis, separately to Kalran.

 _Both well. Narliss is studying an Empire module on human psychology. So far they've concluded that human scientists are terrifying._

Kalran smiled.

 _Will you ask Carla how she is? How her work is going?_

 _Of course._ Kalran relayed the message, and felt a quiet warmth at the smile Carla gave in response.

"I'm doing great. Work's fine. Kind of quiet this week, but I had the weeknight shifts. It's always busier at weekends. What's Oglud been up to?"

Before Kalran could respond, she heard Fendarin's gentle thought-speech in her head.

(I regret to tell you you have five Earth minutes remaining.)

Kalran relayed Carla's question and the time to Oglud, and relayed a couple more messages between Oglud and Carla before beginning to say her goodbyes.

 _I'm so sorry, nishli, they won't let us stay much longer._

 _I know. It's alright. We'll speak in fourteen Earth days?_

 _Yes, of course._

 _Say goodbye to Carla for me, and give my regards to Alniss. Tell her she's always welcome to visit._

(One minute, I'm afraid.)

 _I will. I love you._

 _I love you too, nishli. I wish so much I could tell you in more than words, but I love you no less than the day we were separated._

Kalran felt tears prickle at the corner of her eyes, and again reached a hand out, in vain, to brush the computer terminal. She really should stop doing that, but at least Fendarin probably wouldn't comment on it.

 _Me too,_ she hastened to type, not wanting to be cut off before she could respond to that. _I always will. Goodbye, Oglud, and take care of yourself. I'll speak to you soon._

 _Goodbye, Kalran. Look after yourself too,_ came Oglud's response, just as Fendarin politely told her the time was up.

Kalran wiped at her tears as she backed away from the computer terminal. Finishing the conversation with her mate always left her feeling even more hollowed out than she usually did, and for some reason it hurt particularly badly today. She made her way back out of the Yeerk pool almost blindly, her tears coming thick and fast and the tailblade of the guard at her throat meaning she couldn't even wipe her eyes.

As soon as they climbed out of the hole and passed the old tree that marked the entrance, Kalran felt an arm wrap tightly around her shoulders. Kalran reached up to squeeze the other person's hand, in silent thanks for the comfort.

"You poor thing," Carla said softly.

"I'm sorry," Kalran managed to choke out. "I'm not normally this bad."

"Don't apologise, _schrellatie."_ Alniss' voice was unexpectedly gentle, and her eyes soft when Kalran turned to meet them. "It must hurt you."

Kalran nodded. "Thank you, Alniss."

Alniss frowned. "What for?"

"For understanding. For not saying I asked for it."

"No one would ask for that, _schrellatie,_ traitor or no."

Kalran nodded, surprised but pleased. This was the closest connection she'd ever felt to Alniss, and she hoped it boded well for their relationship, not to mention Carla's continued visits to the Pool.

"Thank you... that means a lot to me."


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note:** So it turns out I actually write quite a _lot_ when moving house and I want to put off packing/as a stress release! So here is another chapter a bit earlier than anticipated!

* * *

 _The TV flickered in the corner of the small apartment as Silrin pulled the blanket more snugly around Carla's shoulders, lifting her feet up onto the couch. Carla had barely even registered that she was cold before the blanket was tucked more securely around her, and felt a spark of gratitude towards her Yeerk._

 _The young woman on screen was yelling at her husband: a typically over-dramatic soap storyline where she'd discovered he'd been cheating with her best friend. Silrin reached over for the remote, turning the sound down, for which Carla was also grateful: she had been beginning to get bored. Normally, that was a bad sign: boredom on her own had often led her to drink, to distract herself from the paths her mind would normally go down. But now she had other distractions._

 _(Do Yeerks have this kind of problem, or is it just us?)_

 _Silrin laughed. (Certainly not_ just _you, though you may well be the only species to watch it happening to fictional others. No, Hork-Bajir are unfaithful to their partners, sometimes, or they were before... anyway, I'm sure it even sometimes happens with Andalites, though I'm equally sure they'd deny it.)_

 _(And Yeerks?)_

 _(Our reproduction is quite different,( Silrin said slowly, and Carla could sense uncertainty from her. (Very different, really. We reproduce in threes, and when we reproduce, we die. So we can't cheat in the sense that he was cheating.)_

 _(I guess not.)_

 _(We do form bonds for many years before we reproduce, though, and Yeerks can sometimes try and bond with several different pairs at the same time, while they work out which one is best. It's not really considered cheating if it's early on in the tripartite bonding process, though; generally then all parties will know about it and many will be doing the same. As it gets later in the bonding process, even if it might be many years before the Yeerks in question will reproduce, we would generally make a commitment. Some Yeerks carry on trying to bond with several pairs after that point, and usually that does involve deception. I suppose that would be our version of cheating. It's not easy, though: maintaining tripartite bonds takes time, and it's hard to hide what you're doing in the Pool: other Yeerks can always observe you.)_

 _(Yeah, I guess.) Carla tried to imagine what a Yeerk relationship might look like; she'd been doing a lot of that lately, trying to imagine what it might be like to experience life in the Pool as Silrin had described it. (Do Yeerks ever break up?)_

 _(Often, in the early stages of tripartite bonding. Increasingly less so the later it gets, but it can still happen if the Yeerks in question feel they're not the best fit for one another or they meet another Yeerk or two they think would fit better. If it's been a long time, though, it causes a lot of anxiety and distress for all parties, similar to humans, though in the later stages of pair bonding it can be more intense, especially for the Yeerks who've been left. It takes a lot of work to form tripartite bonds that are that strong, and there's no guarantee a Yeerk would be able to join another group in their lifetime, so it could remove their chances of reproduction entirely.)_

 _(That's rough.) Curiosity edged its way into Carla's mind: one of many emotions that was beginning to come back since infestation. She wasn't sure if it was the drop in drinking that had done it, though it was still all but impossible to get the thought of alcohol out of her mind, or whether it was Silrin's presence itself, but she felt less numb, more connected to the world around her. (Have you ever been- have you ever had-) she stumbled over the words she wanted to use, uncertain what the correct one was: 'boyfriend' was definitely not appropriate._

 _(Have I ever been in a tripartite? Have I ever had mates?) Silrin clarified._

 _Carla could only assume she was gently letting her know the correct wording: she hardly needed to ask for clarification when she could read her host's every thought._

 _(Yes, in the early stages, several times. Not right now, though. None of them were quite the right fit.)_

 _(I'm sorry.)_

 _(I'm not distressed,) Silrin corrected gently. (I have plenty of time. Of course, it's always difficult at first, especially when I was the one rejected, but it's been some time now.)_

 _Carla felt a sudden sensation of warmth, mixed with amusement and slight surprise from her Yeerk._

 _(It's very refreshing to be able to talk about this with my host. Thank you, Carla.)_

 _(No problem,) Carla said automatically. (Anyway, you've seen my memories. You know what my boyfriends were like. You've gotta be doing better than me.)_

 _Silrin laughed, but the amusement Carla felt from her was edged with sadness and... was that anger?_

 _As soon as she felt the last emotion, it disappeared._

 _(I'm not angry with you,) Silrin clarified hastily. (I'm angry with them... well, most of them. You deserved much better.)_

 _Carla tried to shrug, forgetting momentarily that she didn't have control over her body. The lack of control didn't distress her as it had done a few months ago, though, and she found she didn't want Silrin to relinquish it. Having her body held calm and relaxed settled her emotions, as well, made it easier to talk about things._

 _Understanding this, as of course she did without needing to be asked, Silrin held her control, slowing Carla's breathing slightly._

 _(It's my fault, really. Half the time I knew they were jerks when I met them.)_

 _(Your fault?)_

 _The questioning tone was a challenge: Carla'd come to recognise it over the few months Silrin had been in her head. (Okay, fine. I shouldn't blame myself.)_

 _(There's nothing wrong with you, Carla. Life has not been kind to you, and you've responded to that as best you could.)_

Carla shifted in her seat, coming out of her memory. The TV screen was still flickering in front of her, and she could feel the warmth of Alniss' body close to hers, see Kalran's tall form in the armchair to her right. She watched the latter for a few moments, with some concern; it was obvious Kalran wasn't paying attention to the programme either, she was staring fixedly, unseeingly, at a point on the wall slightly above the television screen. It hadn't escaped Carla's notice that Kalran didn't seem well: she was functioning, sure, she was getting herself to work on time and to the Pool, and she was even managing a few outings with Sara, but she took to her room as soon as she came home from those, as though exhausted by the effort.

Turning her head towards Alniss presented a slightly more cheerful picture; Alniss' eyes were filled with wonder as she watched the screen, and Carla let her attention drift back to it. They'd been watching a nature documentary, not Carla's first choice of programme, and the screen was filled with strange lights in the blackness. Tuning into the narration, Carla discovered they were deep sea fish, which did not make her want to watch any further. She'd been shown a picture of one at some point, she couldn't remember when, and it was one of the ugliest things she'd ever seen. The lights alone were kind of pretty, though, and Carla could see why they'd captured the Yeerk's attention.

She let her eyes drift back to Alniss, smiling as she watched her friend's interest, no less intense as the programme continued. Relaxing a little, Carla yawned, lazily reaching up a hand to cover her mouth, and let herself rest back against the couch, her eyes closing.

" _Alniss!" Silrin said excitedly through Carla's mouth, making the Hork-Bajir in front of them turn._

 _The tall, bladed forms of Hork-Bajir still made Carla more than a little nervous, despite the fact that they'd been trustworthily escorting her to and from the Pool for months now, but she'd at least learned to recognise their facial expressions somewhat, which helped her feel calmer around them._

" _It's me, Silrin."_

 _The Hork-Bajir gave a smile, which looked particularly warm even to Carla's inexpert eyes. "Silrin, schrellie! You managed galish shi kalan-" she continued in a garbled mix of languages, which made no sense to Carla, but clearly did to Silrin, as she responded:_

" _Yes, finally."_

 _Sensing Carla's confusion, she added internally: (Alniss was saying I managed to change my feeding schedules. You remember I asked a few months ago to change my schedules back to feed with my schrelna... my siblings?)_

 _Carla struggled for a second, then felt Silrin nudge the memory into her consciousness. Yes, that was right: Silrin's feeding schedule had been disrupted by the wait between her previous host and Carla, and it had taken her some time to gradually shift it back to its usual time without taking additional time off from her duties._

 _Alniss was asking something, in a strange mix of languages, but Carla thought she caught the word 'host'._

" _I'm fine. She's very cooperative, I feel much better than before," Silrin replied._

 _From what Carla had learned about Hork-Bajir expressions, Alniss seemed visibly relieved. "Good." Another bundle of nonsense words followed, which from the inflection given and Alniss' body language sounded like they might be a question._

" _Carla," Silrin said aloud. "Carla Roberts."_

 _Alniss gave another of the strange Hork-Bajir smiles: they were nearing the front of the line now. She said something else in the strange mix of languages, then stepped towards the pier._

 _(Was she asking my name?) Carla guessed._

 _(Yes.) In answer to Carla's unspoken question, she added: (her name is Alniss seven-five-four. She's one of my siblings; a particularly close one, in fact. We call them schrelna- Yeerks that were born from the same part of their parents, though not the same grub. She's very grateful to you, I think, for what you've done for me.)_

 _Carla wasn't sure what she'd done; the Yeerks had helped her far more than she'd helped them._

 _(You've willingly given me your senses and your body. That's made me happy, surely you know that?)_

 _Carla smiled mentally. (I'm glad.)_

A hand touched hers, drawing Carla out of the memory. She opened her eyes to realise the programme had finished, and saw Alniss smiling at her.

"Tired?" she asked.

Carla nodded. "A bit, yeah. Enjoy that?" she added, jerking her head at the TV.

"It was wonderful," Alniss said, her voice hushed with awe. "I didn't know there was so much in Earth's oceans."

Carla smiled, trying to show some interest. "Glad you liked it."

"What did you think, Kalran?" Alniss added, looking across at her.

Following her gaze, Carla felt the smile disappear from her face; she could see tear tracks on Kalran's cheeks now that one of the Yeerks had turned on the light, and she still looked distracted.

"Oh, yes, it was fascinating," Kalran said, a little too quickly. She forced a smile, though, when her eyes fell on Carla.

"Are you okay?" Carla asked, despite every piece of evidence that no, she wasn't.

"Fine," Kalran replied hastily. "Just tired. I'd better get to bed."

"What are your plans for tomorrow?" Alniss asked, concern evident in her voice.

Kalran hesitated before she answered, glancing between the two of them. "I'm meeting Sara and her friends for coffee and cake."

"Well, you and Sara are welcome in the cafe, if you're in that area," Alniss said.

That was surprising: Alniss didn't usually volunteer to spend time with Sara. Carla glanced across at her, raising her eyebrows.

"It's not just me and Sara."

Carla turned back quickly: the anxiety in Kalran's tone was obvious.

"I- I mean," Kalran hastened to correct herself, "it's very kind of you, Alniss, thank you. But there are some people with me you probably don't want to see."

"Maybe another time, then." Alniss looked curious, but didn't ask for further details.

Carla fiddled with the edge of the couch cushion, rubbing the stitching between thumb and forefinger. Part of her wished Alniss would ask more. She had a suspicion about who Kalran might mean, and she'd rather be sure. Bringing it up, though, might spark a confrontation, and that was the last thing she wanted.

Before she could make a decision, she felt Alniss nudge her arm. "Bed?" she asked, and Carla nodded, pushing herself to her feet.

About half an hour later, Carla was sitting up in bed, propped against the comforting softness of her pillow. She had a magazine in front of her, but wasn't really reading it, idly flicking through the pages. Alniss was already asleep, clearly exhausted, but Carla wasn't ready to turn the light out yet. Her mind kept sinking back into memories, and she'd rather come out of them with the light on.

 _The girl was thrashing and yelling, kicking out at the Hork-Bajir guards as she was dragged relentlessly down the reinfestation pier. Thankfully, Silrin was back in Carla's head: Carla hated these scenes, but they were much worse on her own._

 _Carla waited, expecting Silrin to turn her eyes away and distract her with small talk or a pleasant memory, but her eyes remained fixed on the girl, who was now trying to drop down to her knees. This might have made it harder for a human to drag her away, but it made no difference whatsoever to the Hork-Bajir guards._

 _Belatedly, Carla became aware that some of the distress she was feeling was not her own, and the anger she could sense certainly wasn't._

 _(Silrin?)_

 _Her Yeerk didn't answer straight away, the sense of distress growing as the girl began to break into sobs, reaching the end of the pier._

 _(Silrin!) Carla directed her thoughts more strongly at her Yeerk, pushing a little against her control of their eyes._

 _That seemed to get her attention. (Oh,) she murmured, yielding her control enough that Carla could pull their eyes away. (Oh, I'm sorry, Carla. I- I should have-)_

 _Pain was still flowing from Silrin in waves. As Carla began to take conscious notice of it, though, it began to wane._

 _(I'm sorry,) Silrin said again._

 _(It's okay. Who was that?) Carla asked, sure her Yeerk must know something about the girl. After all, there were similar scenes to that in the Yeerk Pool every time they visited, and Silrin had never made such a fuss before._

 _(She... she... I... we were...) Silrin stammered._

 _That was so uncharacteristic of her Yeerk that Carla immediately regretted asking. (Sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.)_

 _Silrin had, for the last few moments, kept momentarily taking back control of Carla's eyes then dropping it again, clearly struggling to fight the impulse to look back over. Eventually, she lost the battle, her eyes straying back to see the girl's legs kicking futilely against the metal pier, her head held fully underwater by the guards. Carla felt her stomach turn._

 _Suddenly, the girl's legs stopped kicking, and a few moments later she got to her feet... or her Yeerk did, calmly wiping the sludge from her host's face. As she began the walk back down the pier, her brown eyes caught Carla and Silrin's._

 _When the Yeerk reached them, she spoke, and Carla felt a spike of fear from her Yeerk._

" _What were you so interested in looking at?" The tone was partly curious, but mainly challenging._

 _Silrin swallowed, hard. Carla could feel her Yeerk's anxiety growing, and tried to send calming emotions towards Silrin, as Silrin had so often done for her._

" _Sorry, ish'li, I... I just..."_

" _My name is Tamhet 819. You are?"_

 _The other Yeerk wasn't a sub-Visser, then, or she'd have introduced herself as such, so why did Silrin still seem so afraid?_

 _When Silrin gave her name, the girl sneered._

" _Well,_ now _that makes sense. You were far too soft with this human, you know. I've spent the last six months correcting for your lack of boundaries. I still don't have her as broken as I should, as I've no doubt you saw, but I'll get there eventually."_

 _Carla felt another spike of distress and helpless fury, and felt her hand tighten into a fist. She was still struggling with her own surprise; this girl must have been Silrin's first human host, the one she was so reluctant to talk about. But she knew enough about the Empire now to know that Silrin's fist would not go down well, and asked for something she would never normally even consider in a Yeerk stronghold like the Pool._

 _(Silrin, can you give me control without her noticing? I can make you look calmer.)_

 _Silrin was too distracted to listen to her, however, their body as tense as a statue._

 _Tamhet snorted derisively. "Count yourself lucky I don't report you as a sympathiser," she snapped, before turning away._

 _Silrin began to shiver as Tamhet walked away; Carla pushed at their shared eyes, trying to keep Silrin from letting her gaze follow the girl._

 _(Silrin, we need to move,) she said, aware that other Yeerks were beginning to notice them._

 _Finally, she felt some response; Silrin immediately began walking, and Carla felt the touch on her mind that she'd learned to recognise preceded a comment._

 _(Carla, I-)_

 _(It's okay. It's okay,) Carla said, as reassuringly as she could._

 _(I'm sorry. I should never have made you see all that.)_

 _She could feel her Yeerk beginning to calm down, though her pain could still be clearly felt. As Carla realised this, she felt it begin to dim, Silrin clearly regaining enough control to begin to shut her emotions off._

 _(Silrin, don't. I'm okay... let me feel it, let me help you.)_

 _The pain stopped fading, but it didn't get stronger, either. (You shouldn't have to,) Silrin said hesitantly._

 _(I want to. You feel all my emotions, after all.)_

 _(That's different. I'm the Yeerk. You couldn't close them off even if you wanted to, and besides, it's my job to care for your health, not the other way around.)_

 _The pain began to cut off from Carla's awareness again. She didn't feel like pushing the point: asking Silrin to step away from what was probably the Empire's line now would not be a good idea- she must already be worried about what Tamhet had said._

 _(What's her name?) Carla asked after a few minutes, as they climbed the steep, dingy staircase towards the exit._

 _Silrin hesitated for a few moments. (Elsa,) she said eventually._

Carla tightened her fist around the covers of her bed, breathing hard. She'd tried to let the thoughts go at the time, not wanting to upset Silrin further, but she'd been struck by how young the girl was; fifteen at the most; and the sheer desperation of her struggle against the Pool guards. Coming out of the memory now, Carla felt sickened; with the Empire, with Tamhet... and with herself. She pushed that last thought away as quickly as it had come. Things were difficult enough without berating herself for every single wrong thing she'd done.

Well, she was far too upset to sleep now, and desperately wanted to move from the bed, to be in a different room. Very carefully, she peeled the covers back and pressed her feet against the soft rug on the floor, standing up as quietly as she could. She waited for a few seconds, watching Alniss, but the Yeerk didn't even stir.

A few minutes later, Carla was sitting in the living room with a cup of camomile tea, trying not to make a noise. Some of the Yeerks were still awake; she could dimly hear Kalran and Hallim's voices through the wall, but they were all in their rooms. She hoped they didn't come in, especially not Kalran; she had enough issues of her own to deal with, without taking on Carla's as well.

Carla reached up a hand to wipe her eyes. It was going to be a long night.


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note:** So, I had a couple of the next chapters of this written, then my laptop decided to break and I needed a new hard drive. The first version of this chapter came out really quickly and easily, but it was harder to re-write and I still feel the old, lost version was better in a lot of ways!

It means I have about a chapter and a half still to re-write before I get back to where I was, so please bear with me- updates might not be coming as often as I was hoping!

* * *

Accelerating as quickly as she dared, Elsa pulled away from the lights, which had annoyingly gone red on her at just the wrong moment, and sped as fast as she could down the road to the community center.

"We're gonna be late _again,_ " Annie whined from the passenger seat.

"Hey, you don't know that," Elsa said, glancing at the clock in the car. "It's not started yet."

"It starts in one minute. So sure, if we can get there and get parked and in the room by then. That's not exactly gonna happen, is it, given we're still at least three minutes away."

"Very precise," Elsa grinned. She glanced over at Annie, who was giving her a stormy glare. Teenagers. "Oh, okay, I'm sorry," she sighed. Elsa herself was perfectly comfortable walking into anywhere late, and Annie would only miss a couple of minutes of the warm-up, which was practically early compared to Elsa's usual standards, but it did mean her sister would have to walk in and take her place when the rest of the choir was warming up, which she guessed was pretty embarrassing. Although _everything_ seemed to embarrass Annie these days. "I'll do better next time."

Annie snorted. "I'll believe that when I see it."

Elsa pulled into the car park, making the turn as fast as she dared. "I'm sorry. On time isn't really my thing. We _are_ earlier than last week."

Luckily, there was a space pretty near the building; Elsa pulled the car into it as fast as possible. It was at a bit of an angle and looked more abandoned than parked, but it was within the lines, so that'd have to do.

"I guess," Annie said, undoing her seatbelt before the car had even stopped. "We're still not on time, though. You used to manage it."

Elsa froze, her hands clenching tightly around the steering wheel. "No, I didn't."

"You did!" Annie had pulled open the door and was halfway out. "Back when you first learned to drive. You always got us everywhere _early_ then."

Elsa forced her gritted teeth to separate long enough to say: " _I_ didn't, Annie."

Her sister stopped in her tracks, her hand suddenly still against the car door she'd been about to push closed, and her eyes widening in horror.

"Elsa, I'm so sorry," she managed eventually.

"Don't worry about it." Elsa managed to let the steering wheel go, and began to undo her own seat belt.

"I'd take any amount of being late to have you back," Annie whispered, looking close to tears.

"Hey, now, you don't want to go giving me _permission_ to be late, or we'll never get here."

Annie gave the ghost of a smile, but still looked troubled.

"Anyway," Elsa added, pushing her own door open, "we'd better get going. I don't know if you've noticed, but we are a little bit late."

This time Annie smiled properly and rolled her eyes at her sister. Elsa had been hoping for a laugh, but that was close enough.

When they entered the large, wood-floored room where choir was held, the other children were already in their places, singing a scale. Annie thrust her jacket at Elsa and hurried to join them, beginning to sing even before she slotted herself in between two of her friends.

Elsa scanned the side of the room, looking for somewhere to sit. People were dotted about on chairs: parents of children in the choir, mainly, possibly the odd sibling, like herself. There were a few places to sit, but Elsa's eyes were drawn to one beside a dark-haired, slight woman who was bent uncomfortably over a workbook. The woman was Jasmine, the voluntary Elsa had been exchanging a few words with at choir for nearly two months now.

Hesitating, Elsa debated whether to sit beside her or not. She hadn't done yet: their interactions had been brief, usually at the end as Jasmine was leaving with her daughter, but they'd been getting steadily longer each week, and Jasmine seemed more comfortable in her company. It was probably make-or-break time now, really, and if Elsa was going to ask her about helping with the campaign for the allergic Yeerks it was probably not best done in two minutes in front of an eight year-old.

Eventually Elsa made for the seat, holding back the urge to march briskly now her decision was made, and instead making her steps slower, more gentle. Striding up to someone as nervous as Jasmine was probably not the best idea.

"Hey," Elsa said, almost in a whisper; she didn't want to make the other woman jump.

Jasmine jerked a little anyway, looking up from a page covered in printed triangles and numbers. "Oh... hello." Her voice was quiet, and her eyes dropped towards the floor as soon as she'd identified Elsa.

"Do you mind if I sit here? You can say no," Elsa added quickly.

"It's okay," Jasmine murmured, her eyes back on her work.

Elsa slid into the seat quickly. She let her eyes stray across to the children for a while, glancing at Jasmine out of the corner of her eye. She could see that while Jasmine's eyes were fixed on her work, her pencil didn't move for the next few minutes, her shoulders taut with anxiety. Elsa felt slightly guilty, but getting up and leaving now would only make things worse.

Turning her eyes back to the choir, Elsa let them rest on Jasmine's daughter. As confident as her mother was shy, she was singing her heart out in the front row, her eyes fixed on the conductor.

"Maya looks like she's having fun," Elsa commented.

"Yes. She loves it," Jasmine said, her voice a little louder and quite a bit happier. "I'm really glad she's joined, she's already made some friends."

"That's great," Elsa smiled, letting her eyes turn back to Jasmine. "She looks like she's doing really well, too."

"Oh, she is."

"Does she have a favourite song that they're doing?"

Jasmine shrugged a little, finally meeting Elsa's eyes, although still only in snatches. "It changes every week. Right now it's the one from Wicked; she won't stop singing it at home."

Elsa grinned. "Great choice. I love musicals, wish we did them more in the adult choir. We did do some songs from West Side Story last year though, that was awesome. Hey, you ever think about joining?"

Jasmine tensed again immediately, dropping her eyes. "Me? Oh no, I can't sing."

"I've heard a lot more people say that than it's actually true of," Elsa said, choosing her words carefully. "Almost everyone can learn to sing pretty well, if they're given the teaching and stuff. And Maya's got a lovely voice, so you might have, too."

Jasmine shook her head, smiling slightly and seeming to relax a little at the mention of her daughter. "Thank you."

"Maybe you could give it a go one day, at least then you'll know if you'll like it or not."

Jasmine smiled. "You sound like Akhir, she's always saying I should-"

She stopped speaking abruptly, her eyes widening in unmistakeable fear. Her whole body went tight, one hand going to cover her mouth. _Shit_ , Elsa thought to herself, scrabbling rapidly for something to say.

"It's okay," Elsa said as softly as she could.

Jasmine stayed frozen, staring at her.

"Is she your Yeerk?"

"Please... please don't hurt her," Jasmine pleaded, panicking now. "She doesn't deserve... please..."

"Hey, it's okay," Elsa repeated. "I'm not going to hurt her... besides, it's not like I know what she looks like or anything, is it?"

"Please... please..." Jasmine said again, almost as though she hadn't heard what Elsa had said.

"Jasmine, I _promise_ I won't hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all someone who's important to you. It's okay."

Jasmine seemed to register that a little better; she stopped pleading, and a little of the tension fell from her shoulders.

"Really? You promise?"

"Yes, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die and all that. I really really swear I won't hurt her." Elsa spoke with as much emphasis as she could, not that she really expected Jasmine to trust any promise she made.

Jasmine must have trusted it a little, though, as she let her eyes drop again, her face relaxing into a less terrified expression. "She... she says I can trust you," Jasmine whispered eventually.

It was Elsa's turn to freeze, shock flooding her. So this was a Yeerk she'd known then, had to be, but she'd never been infested by anyone called Akhir. She racked her brains for the name, and came up short for a while. Akhir... Akhir... _oh._ There'd been a pool guard called that, early in Elsa's infestation; it was her, then, it must be. Elsa bit back the desire to ask for confirmation: Jasmine was far too nervous to start quizzing her about her Yeerk. She also forced down an expression of annoyance: she'd felt rather pleased that Jasmine appeared to be beginning to trust her, and to suddenly have to attribute that to some Yeerk was irritating to say the least.

"That's good, then, right?" Elsa said gently.

Jasmine nodded slowly, without looking up.

Part of her wanted to ask more: Jasmine was clearly still in touch with her old Yeerk, and Elsa had to bite back her curiosity about how that worked. Instead, Elsa glanced at Jasmine's work.

"You at college?" she asked cheerfully, hoping to change the subject.

Jasmine shook her head. "It's just an evening class."

"Cool. In Math, huh? You must be pretty smart, I don't get Math at all."

Jasmine shifted slightly in her seat, and when she spoke her voice was very quiet. "I'm not. It's only high school level."

Elsa smiled slightly. "I spent most of my middle and high school years paying absolutely no attention to math and letting my Yeerks do it all. Regretted that when I got freed and had to study it all at once so I could pass. Don't think I'd remember any of it now, though."

"It's difficult," Jasmine acknowledged. "I can't work this out at all."

"I'm afraid I'm not going to be any help. Tell you what, though, I've got a load of college work in my bag that I _really_ want to procrastinate from. How about we distract each other?"

A trace of a smile appeared on Jasmine's face. "I don't think I can distract you from your work. I'm sure you're capable of doing yours."

Elsa frowned. "Everyone gets stuck sometimes. Hell, on math I spend far more time stuck than unstuck. Is unstuck even a word? Anyway, have you seen me doing any work at all yet? You wouldn't be distracting me, I'd be distracting myself."

Jasmine's smile became a little stronger. "Okay." She slipped her workbook back into the large bag beside her, but kept the pencil, rubbing it between her fingers.

"So," Elsa began. "What else do you do, when you're not at evening class? Or, well, with Maya, which I guess is quite a lot of time."

"I work at Maya's school. I make the dinners and watch the children at lunchtime," Jasmine said. "It's perfect, really, it means I finish in time to collect her. And I take in sewing at home: repairs, mostly, but I've started to sell some of my own designs online."

"That's amazing!" Elsa said warmly. "I tried to learn to knit once, but I ended up with more holes than knitting." And wavy edges, too, but that was probably enough to give Jasmine the general idea.

"Not really. It's very simple work. Anyone could do it."

"Maybe anyone apart from me. I'd probably sew things together upside down or something."

Jasmine smiled slightly. "Did you say you're in college?"

"Yeah. Psychology major. It involves a lot more math than I thought when I picked it, but hey. It's interesting. I want to do a Masters next year, but I might actually have to start my essays earlier than the night before the deadline if I do that."

"You must be very clever," Jasmine said admiringly. "Do you do anything else outside studying? Apart from choir, of course."

"Horseback riding, when I get the chance. I make attempts at cooking, some of them are even edible," Elsa joked, partly to offset her own nerves. Now was probably the best opening she was going to have. "And... I'm part of a campaign group at the moment."

"That sounds interesting. What's it for?"

"Well..." No turning back now, so Elsa decided to just go straight for it. Besides, Jasmine was as communicative as she'd ever seen her. "You know there were some Yeerks who couldn't take the morphing power? Who were, like, allergic or whatever?"

Jasmine nodded. "Akhir's friend... his sibling is like that. It's very hard for them."

"Well, we're campaigning for them to be allowed to take hosts. Voluntary hosts, obviously."

Her mouth falling open, Jasmine stared at Elsa in shock. "You want them to have hosts? _You?_ "

Elsa smiled slightly; Jasmine's expression was too funny to successfully keep a straight face. "I mean, obviously I'm not volunteering. Even if I wanted to, I'm pretty sure most of the Yeerks would be swimming as fast as they could in the other direction."

Jasmine frowned, but said nothing.

"No, I just want it to be legal for other people to offer them that, if and only if those other people want to. I was wondering... I know you don't have a lot of time, but would you consider helping with the campaign?"

"Of course I would," Jasmine said instantly. "It's a horrible situation for them to be in."

Well, that went better than expected. Her confidence growing, Elsa continued: "And... this is a big question, and it's obviously not a commitment now, so think about it as long as you need and you can change your mind anytime, but do you think you'd consider hosting one if it ever was legal?"

Jasmine frowned again, and she hesitated for a few moments before answering, glancing across at her daughter. "Would it be full time?"

"Whatever you wanted. I don't want there to be even a single second of infestation that isn't fully willing."

Jasmine nodded. There were a few seconds of silence.

"I'd need time to think about it," she said slowly. "I'd need to ask Akhir, and think about how it might affect Maya. But maybe."

Elsa almost bit her tongue in half to stop herself challenging the words 'ask Akhir': how in the hell was it any of her ex-Yeerk's business? But she managed to keep silent. "Sure," she said when she was a little more controlled. "No rush, and remember whatever answer you give isn't final, you can always change your mind. Do you still want to help the campaign in the meantime? I can give you a list of people to write to, and we're going to be putting out some flyers and posters soon."

"I'd like that. But my writing won't be good."

"I'm not sure I believe that, but anyway anything that raises awareness would be great. It doesn't have to be perfect." Reaching into the leather satchel she'd brought with her, Elsa dug around for a bit of paper, eventually finding an old receipt. She unstuck a stray chocolate button from the back of it before rummaging further for a pen. The first one she tried didn't work, of course, but she managed to dig out a second one and scribble her number and email in purple ink onto the edge of the receipt. She passed it over to Jasmine.

"Email me and I'll send you over the list. Huan made it, not me, so it's actually organised. My number's on there, too; drop me a text or something from time to time, let me know how things are going. It'd be good to chat more."

Jasmine's eyebrows curved upwards in surprise, and she raised her eyes to meet Elsa's. "Would it?"

Elsa couldn't help but grin then. "Good for me. Maybe not good for you, I guess. I do tend to send very long rambly texts that no-one can make any sense of."

"No, I meant... you want to talk to me?"

The disbelief in Jasmine's voice tugged at Elsa's heart, and she hastened to reassure her. "Jasmine, I've been talking to you for weeks now. I've been talking to you all night today. Why would I do that if I didn't want to?"

"So you could ask me to help with your campaign." Jasmine's tone was matter-of-fact, as though her statement was the only sensible interpretation of the situation. It became more hesitant, however, when she added: "why... why else would someone like you want to talk to someone like me?"

"Jasmine, I like you. I want to be friends. And I now kind of feel like I sound like a seven year-old, so please stop doubting me before I start saying I want to be triple-best-friends-with-a-cherry-on-top or whatever it is elementary school kids say these days."

Jasmine smiled slightly, though she still looked a little disbelieving. "I'm sorry... I... I thought..."

"I know."

There was silence for a few moments, but it was a little more comfortable than the silences that had gone before. Elsa could see Jasmine's shoulders relaxing a little, and she let some of the tension drain from her own body as well.

"Do you have far to get home after?" Elsa asked.

"It's not too bad. About half an hour."

"Do you drive?"

Jasmine shook her head. "No. Although Akhir's learning, so that might make things easier when she passes."

"Yeerk chauffeuring services, huh? Nice."

There was silence as Jasmine watched her for a moment, searching her face. "She helps me a lot. Things have been much easier since she morphed."

"Well, I'm up for helping too, if you ever need me," Elsa replied. "I could drive you here, if you like."

"You need to stay afterwards, though," Jasmine said hastily, looking uncomfortable.

"Yeah, that's true."

They fell back into silence for a while, watching the children begin a plaintive pop song in which Annie had a short solo. Elsa felt herself glowing with pride as Annie's confident voice filled the room, before the others joined in.

"Your sister sings beautifully. She's so brave."

Elsa turned to Jasmine, giving her a soft smile. "Thanks."

They chatted about this and that for the rest of the children's choir session, until, far-too-soon, it was time for the adult one. Elsa got up from her chair as Annie and Maya came back towards them, stretching slightly.

"Well, thanks for the chat, Jasmine. It was about a thousand times better than doing my essay."

Jasmine smiled. "Likewise. I'd have spent the whole time stuck on my work. At least when I get home I can get some help."

A few wheels turned in Elsa's head. "From Akhir?"

Discomfort and fear crept onto Jasmine's face, but the expression was mild and short-lived. "Yes," she said eventually.

For the second time, Elsa had to force back her own curiosity about why on Earth... why in the galaxy, she quickly substituted, as more appropriate... why would anyone want to live with their Yeerk? "Well, that's good. If it was me I'd just get her to do it for me."

Jasmine smiled. "I don't think I'd learn much then."

"This is exactly why I'm so bad at Math."

Jasmine smiled again, more strongly. A few seconds later, her daughter ran up and squashed her mother's waist with her small arms. "Maya! You were amazing!" Jasmine said, giving her a squeeze back. "I'd better be going."

"See you," Elsa said, waving at the two of them. Maya smiled back, shyly. "Call me anytime, Jasmine, it'd be nice to chat. And at the very least email me, so I can send you that list."

As the two of them retreated, Annie came to stand at her side. "You've dumped my jacket on the floor."

"Hello to you, too," Elsa muttered, looking across to where she'd piled her coat and bag by the chair. "In fairness, _my_ jacket is also on the floor."

Annie sighed long-sufferingly, and went to retrieve it, sliding into the seat Elsa had just vacated. "Who is that, anyway?" she asked, nodding in the direction in which Jasmine had just left. "You're always talking to her."

Elsa smiled. "Just a friend."


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:** Trigger warning this chapter for mental health difficulties and substance use (alcohol). I've tried to keep it mild but just to let people know in case they want to skip this chapter.

* * *

Once she heard the apartment door close, Carla began to steadily count backwards from two hundred, trying to hold back the impulse to jump out of bed straight away. She'd been waiting for nearly a week for this opportunity; two weeks, if you included the time she'd spent trying to make up her mind. Then it had suddenly presented itself when Alniss and the others had decided to go to the beach that morning: Kalran had still been asleep, and after some discussion the Yeerks decided not to disturb her, opting instead to leave a note to invite her to join them later. Carla had a slight cold, and had made this out to be a little worse than it was, using it as an excuse to stay at home. Much as it pained her to separate herself from Alniss, and especially to tell another lie, she couldn't do what she was hoping to with an audience.

Reaching zero in her mental countdown, she decided it was safe enough to get out of bed; the others had definitely left. Her bare feet digging into the soft carpet, she made her way to Kalran's room. The door was still shut, but it was gone eleven: surely the Yeerk had to be awake by now? It was a Saturday, but Kalran'd been in bed by half ten the night before despite that. Carla raised her hand and tapped a few times on the painted wood.

Nothing.

She tried again. Still no sound. It was only on the third attempt she heard stirring, and not until the fifth did the door actually open. When it did, Carla immediately reassessed her decision on the acceptability of knocking at this time.

Kalran looked awful. Dark circles hung beneath her tired, anxious eyes; her hair was a mess, as though she'd just woken up, and... what was that smell? Carla sniffed the air slightly for confirmation, certain she must have been mistaken at first, but no: alcohol, gin if she wasn't much mistaken, and lots of it.

"Have- have you been drinking?" Carla asked, the shock making her tone more accusatory than she meant it to be.

Kalran immediately looked guilty, making her expression even more miserable than it had been a few moments ago. "Oh, Carla, I'm so sorry. I should have thought about how that would make you feel."

Carla noticed the Yeerk was blinking rapidly, her eyes averted from the bright light streaming into the hallway. "Hey, it's okay," Carla said, making her voice as gentle as she could now she'd recovered from the initial shock. "I know you didn't do it to upset me."

Kalran shook her head, looking desperate. "It... it's not like... it's only when I'm not working the next day, and I wait until Hallim's asleep. I can control it. You don't need to worry."

That didn't help assuage Carla's concern in the slightest, but she opted instead to say simply: "I'll get you a black coffee. Might help you feel better. You head on back to bed, I'll be through in a minute."

"You... you don't have to," Kalran murmured.

"I want to."

When Carla returned, a steaming cup of coffee in each hand, Kalran was sitting up in bed, looking slightly more comfortable in the dimmer light of the bedroom. "Thank you, Carla," she murmured, taking the cup and wrapping her hands around it, clearly finding comfort in the warmth.

Perching on the edge of the bed, Carla took a sip from her own cup. She'd stopped in her bedroom to pick up a magazine: opening it, she began to leaf through the pages, pretending to read but in reality keeping her attention on Kalran. She wasn't going to force the Yeerk to talk if she didn't want to, but neither was she leaving her on her own.

"I'm sorry," Kalran said eventually.

"You don't need to apologise," Carla replied, looking up from the page. "You really don't."

"I... I promise it isn't as bad as it looks. It's only occasionally, at the weekends, when I can't sleep."

Carla vaguely remembered making similar excuses to herself, and didn't believe them for a second, but she stayed silent, making a non-committal noise that she hoped would encourage Kalran to continue.

"I... sometimes I just..." Kalran began, then trailed off, shaking her head. "I shouldn't burden you with this. It's not right."

Carla frowned slightly. "We're friends, aren't we? Friends help each other out. Please don't tell me you're gonna start with the whole Yeerks should help hosts not the other way around thing, because I'm pretty sure that's an Empire idea."

Kalran's mouth curled up very slightly at the corners: it wasn't quite a smile, but it was better than the blank expression she'd been wearing when Carla had opened the door. "Yes, I imagine it is."

Watching Kalran, Carla waited again.

"It... it's just... I feel..." Kalran hesitated again, clearly struggling to find the right words. "I miss them so much... Oglud and Ilkiss... and I... I wonder if I did the right thing, what we accomplished... there are so many dead now and I... the permanent morphing sounded so good at first but now..."

She trailed off again, her eyes cast down, staring at her coffee cup as though she expected to find the words she wanted hidden in its depths.

"Now?" Carla said after a few moments, when it was clear no more was forthcoming.

"I... this sounds so ungrateful..." Kalran trailed off again, looking up at her.

"I'm not going to judge you," Carla said softly, reaching out to touch the Yeerk's hand where it rested on the cup.

Kalran uncurled her hand from the warmth of the mug, letting her fingers wrap around Carla's instead. As though this contact replaced the link between their eyes, she let her gaze drop to the bedspread again.

"I miss my... my body. My Yeerk body."

Carla squeezed her hand gently. "Of course you do."

Kalran shook her head. "It doesn't make sense. All that time I... before I was part of the peace movement... fighting to have eyes and hands and legs, and now I have them I... I don't even appreciate them. And my Oglud, they, they must want so much to have what I have and I'm not even happy."

"I'm sorry." Carla ran her thumb along the back of Kalran's hand. "You can't help how you feel, though. You really don't need to feel guilty."

Kalran nodded slowly, looking down at their clasped hands. "I'm okay most of the time," she said softly. "It just all got a bit too much for me last night."

Carla felt her stomach twist: the thought of Kalran sitting there, alone with a bottle, too miserable to sleep... it would have been too much to bear even if the image was new to Carla, but it wasn't. It reminded her terrifyingly of her own past.

"Next time wake me up, hey," Carla murmured, struggling to hide her own wave of emotion as she patted Kalran's hand. "Or wake _someone_ up: Hallim, me, Ilkiss, Sara, whoever. Talk about it. Trust me, it's better than drinking."

"I'm so sorry," Kalran said instantly. "I never meant for you to find out."

"I know. I'm glad I have, though. Kalran... have you ever thought about getting some help?"

There was silence for a while, and Carla began to wonder if she'd said the wrong thing.

"I... I'm not sure I can face that," Kalran admitted eventually. "Besides, I'd have to find someone who would help a Yeerk."

"I could help you look for someone?"

Kalran gave a small smile. "Thank you."

There was silence for a few minutes, the two of them continuing to clasp hands, taking a few sips of coffee. Eventually, Kalran said, with slightly more energy: "You're good at this, you know. Listening, that is."

Surprised, Carla replied: "Really? I don't think so. I... I don't really know what to say." She looked back across at Kalran: she'd begun to let her eyes stray, as Kalran had seemed to want to sit in silence. "I wish I could just make it better for you."

"You are." Kalran looked back up at her, meeting her eyes. "I feel a little better, just for talking."

"I'm here anytime. 3 am, even... just wake me up, or call me. Promise me you won't try and deal with it on your own."

Kalran nodded. "I promise."

That had been easier than Carla was expecting: she could only hope the promise was genuine. "And..." she trailed off, uncertain. She wasn't sure whether saying this might make things worse, but she had to try. She kept being haunted by images of Kalran's health going downhill, and she knew exactly how hard it could be to come back from that.

"And?" Kalran looked at her. Despite the dull blankness in the Yeerk's eyes, Carla could see she was trying to look encouraging.

"I'd like it if you'd at least think about, y'know. Getting some proper help."

There were a few seconds of silence, and Carla tensed, worried she'd gone too far.

"Yes," Kalran said eventually. "I should, really."

Relief flowed over Carla's body, relaxing muscles she hadn't even realised she'd tensed. "I'll help. In any way I can."

"Hold me to it?" Kalran's eyes bored deeply into Carla's: tears glistened at the corners of them. "I'm going to try and convince myself I don't need help, I know I am... or wriggle out of it somehow. Can... can you..."

"Sure." Letting go of Kalran's hand, Carla opened her arms. "Can I give you a hug?"

"I..." Kalran hesitated. "I haven't had a shower yet."

Carla shook her head dismissively, reaching across to wrap her arms around her friend. "I think I can cope. I used to regularly shove my head in Pool sludge."

Carla didn't expect a laugh, but Kalran made a slight noise of amusement as she relaxed against her shoulder. They sat in silence for a while, during which Carla could feel Kalran's muscles slowly relaxing.

"What were you here for, anyway?" Kalran murmured eventually, pulling back a little. "Did you need something?"

"It doesn't matter," Carla replied, shaking her head slightly.

"It does," Kalran said, with more emphasis. "I'm sorry... I've got in the way of whatever it was you needed."

"I think you kind of matter more, right now," Carla pointed out. "It wasn't important." Part of her was glad of the excuse to back out: she'd been trying to find an opportunity for weeks, that was true, but she was dreading this at the same time. If she hadn't been, an opportunity might have presented itself sooner: she'd have been willing to take more risks. If she was honest with herself, she'd backed out several times before now. "It's fine."

Kalran was watching her searchingly. "Carla, please don't be angry if I'm wrong, but... is it the letter?"

Carla froze. Staring at Kalran, she managed to whisper: "How- how do you know?"

Kalran did not answer. Silently, she crossed to the battered wooden dresser and opened a drawer, which she rummaged in for a moment. She pulled out an envelope, still relatively pristine considering the time it had spent hidden beneath Kalran's clothes, and trod softly back over to the bed.

Carla stared at the envelope Kalran had placed in front of her. Her hand twitched, half-reaching out to touch it before curling back to her side. Eventually, she looked up at Kalran. "Will you read it?"

Kalran frowned. "Really? You want me to? Are you sure?"

Hesitating, Carla looked down, biting her lip. She wasn't sure what was in there, and Kalran's mental state could hardly stand up to being forced to read out an abusive string of sentences, if that's what the letter was. "Never mind. I'll do it."

"Would you like some privacy? Or should I stay?"

Again Carla hesitated. Studying her friend, she tried to gauge which would be easier for Kalran. She wanted her to stay, but if the letter was bad... "I don't want to upset you," she murmured eventually. "Whichever you want to do."

"I'm sure I can cope with either," Kalran replied, her voice dropping back to its blank flatness. "Even I'm not that weak."

"You're not weak," Carla said gently. "In that case... would you stay?"

Kalran nodded. "Yes, of course." She looked slightly guilty. "I'm sorry... I'm making this about me again."

"That's okay."

They sat in silence for a few moments. A few times, Carla reached out towards the envelope, before chickening out and withdrawing. Carla could feel her cheeks flushing, whether it was embarrassment or the warmth of that hot morning she wasn't sure. Probably both.

Eventually, Carla gathered sufficient courage to lift the envelope up and turn it over. Acting as quickly as she could, before she could talk herself out of it, she slit the envelope open.

A single sheet of lined paper fell onto the soft, pink cover of Kalran's bed. It was covered in blue writing, crammed onto the lines and, on the second side, curling around the bottom and back up the margin of the page. Squinting to make out the messy handwriting, Carla began to read.

 _Dear Carla,_

 _Hope you're OK. I'm not really sure what I want to say here: this is already my fourth go at writing this, and no doubt this one will end up in the bin too. But maybe eventually I'll write something that makes enough sense to make it to you._

 _I just wanted you to know it's okay. You looked so scared on the bus that day, and you really didn't need to be: I'm not going to do you any harm. I guess there's no reason you should just take that on trust, though... oh, fine, I swear on my little sister's life I won't hurt you. If you're still in touch with Silrin, ask her if I would say that and not mean it. She knows._

 _Anyway, I also wanted to say thank you for helping out with the campaign. Although on second thoughts maybe I shouldn't say that: I don't know if you've decided to help or not. I'd write yet another letter to correct my mistake, but I've got to stop at some point. Besides, I've only got post-its left. Well, thanks for considering helping, anyway: you probably have at least thought about it if you're reading this._

 _I hope we can meet sometime. If you do decide to help us, it'll be best if we can coordinate and work together. But even if you don't join the campaign, it'd be nice to just talk. Not about the war or anything, not if you don't want. I promise, I'm not angry with you or anything, and I won't hurt you. Well, I said that already._

 _I hope you're okay and... well, thanks for reading this. I imagine it wasn't easy._

 _Elsa._

Carla stared at the page for a few seconds after she'd finished reading, her shock giving way to pain as her eyes filled with tears. After a moment, she felt a gentle hand on her arm.

"What is it? You're upset."

Carla looked up to meet Kalran's eyes, which were fixed concernedly on her face. "She... she doesn't know..."

Frowning, Kalran asked: "Doesn't know what?"

"She doesn't know..." Carla took a breath. "She doesn't know Silrin's dead."

Kalran looked puzzled for a second, then thoughtful, before her expression turned to one of sympathy. "I'm sorry, I'd forgotten... she didn't when that letter was written, but she does now. I... I let it slip. I hadn't realised either, that she didn't know."

Carla took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. After a few moments, she heard Kalran speak again.

"Was... was the rest of it all right?"

Carla nodded slowly. "As... as far as I can tell. But she could be lying."

"I doubt that very much," Kalran said softly.

Carla felt anger flare suddenly within her, but forced it down as much as she could in view of Kalran's emotional state. "Why would she want to be kind to me?"

"You'll have to ask her that, I'm afraid. If you ever do decide to see her."


	25. Chapter 25

_Deedle-deedle-deedle deet!_

Sighing slightly, Sara looked up from the book she'd been reading, curled up on the sofa in the poky living room of her flat.

 _Deet-deet deedle deet!_

She stretched out a hand for the phone lying on the coffee table. It was a little too far away to reach easily, so she scrabbled for it, almost knocking it onto the floor before she grasped it more securely. Flipping the lid open, she brought it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Elsa," came a cheerful voice. Far too cheerful, in Sara's view: Elsa tended to become even bouncier and sillier than usual when she was nervous. "What's up?"

"Not much. I'm just reading. You?"

"Oh, same. Well, the not much. Not the reading right now, though. Wish I was. Well, not that I don't want to be talking to you, either..."

Sara sighed again, modifying her earlier thought: Elsa also entirely forgot how to deliver a coherent sentence when she was nervous. "Elsa, what's wrong?"

"Why would anything be wrong?"

Taking her time, Sara slid a bookmark between the pages with her free hand, putting her book to one side. "Give me some credit, we've been friends for a while now. I know when you're worried."

"Well... you know Kalran?"

Sara sighed. "Vaguely. Was she the one who was in my head at some point, or am I getting confused?"

Elsa made a slight sound that might have been amusement, but did not laugh. "I'm being serious."

"I'll get you a card," Sara muttered, unable to resist. She spent enough time laughing at Elsa's ridiculous jokes, she could at least reciprocate.

This time there was a laugh. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Anyway... well, you know the campaign?"

Sara rolled her eyes. "I just spent half my week delivering flyers, what do you think? Elsa, just get to the point."

There was a short silence. Then, her breath coming out in a rush: "I've got someone new who wants to help. Well, two new people, actually..."

"That's good, isn't it?" Sara registered the anxious edge to Elsa's voice, and gave a long-suffering sigh. "They're voluntaries, aren't they?"

"One of them is," Elsa said slowly. "But I'm not too bothered about her, you guys already agreed to voluntary hosts being involved."

"Yeah, so long as they're nowhere near me."

"It's the other one. She... she's a Yeerk."

Sara frowned. "So? So's Illim. And Kalran and Ilkiss, not that they're involved, but we are doing this for them."

"Not a peace movement Yeerk," Elsa clarified, confirming what Sara had already begun to suspect.

There was a long silence. Sara pulled the woolly blanket she'd draped over her more snugly around her shoulders, and switched the phone to her other ear.

"I... I wanted to check with you all that you were OK with her helping. I mean, obviously she won't come to meetings and stuff, but if I shared with her what we were doing... of course, we might start to do stuff in person soon, protests or whatever, but I could always ask her to sit those out."

Sara didn't answer for some time, her mind churning with emotion. She hated Empire Yeerks with a passion... but this was for Kalran, and hadn't she already put up with some pretty unpleasant Yeerks just to spend time with hers? Alniss in particular was an irritation Sara was extremely glad to do without... and as for Hallim...

"Fine. I'd rather not ever have to meet her, unless it's essential for the campaign, but the more..." Sara hesitated, "...people... we have helping, the better. But I want to know who she is."

"I get that," Elsa said with emphasis. "Nothing worse than a mystery Yeerk. Her name's Akhir. You... you've probably not met her, unless you worked with her in the Sharing. The last couple years of the war she had a human host and did Sharing stuff. Before that... before that, she was a Pool guard."

Sara jumped, the blanket slipping from around her shoulders. She only just managed to hold onto the phone, her fingers tightening around it until they turned pale. " _What?"_ Her mind raced. "Doesn't that mean she was still a guard when you got infested?"

"Yeah," Elsa said slowly. "For a few months after, actually."

There was a very long silence.

"Elsa... how can you bear to..." Sara began eventually, her voice tight from imagining the sheer impossibility of working with someone who'd thrown you into a cage. She still couldn't speak to Hallim, she couldn't stand to do it without swearing.

"Akhir isn't too bad." The casual words were belied by Elsa's voice, which sounded thick, teary even. "And I want to help Kal."

"You don't need to do this. I'm not asking you to do this, and Kal would never want..."

"I know," Elsa said quietly. "I'm doing this because I want to."

Sara sat in silence for a few minutes, stunned by her friend's commitment. She couldn't understand how Elsa could bear to do it, but if she could, then so could Sara. "Are you going to be meeting her?"

"Yeah. In a couple of days. If it's OK with everyone to work with her, that is." Elsa's voice dropped to a whisper, tight with anxiety. "Oh... oh, Sara, I've got to ask Kelly."

Her stomach swooping, Sara tensed her fingers again around the phone. She and Kelly weren't close, but Sara knew enough about her to realise that she and Elsa had been infested for around the same length of time, and had presumably both known this Pool guard. "Oh, Elsa..." Sara had intended her tone to come out more sympathetic than despairing, but it seemed to have ended up the other way around.

"I know, I know. But I couldn't exactly turn down help, could I? I did say I'd have to check with everyone else first, make sure it was OK with them..."

"Am I the first you've asked?"

"No, Adam, Huan and Alma already said they're fine. I figured Illim would probably be OK, too. It's just Kelly."

Sara paused for a moment, thinking. She wasn't particularly inclined to refuse help either, and she supposed if they were going to let all the pool-bound Yeerks take hosts they would come across some Empire loyalists eventually, there was no avoiding it. But she wanted to know for herself what they were like: to protect Kalran and Illim, if nothing else. Some of Kal's flatmates had been horrible to her at first, and if this Yeerk was going to be the same then Sara wanted nothing to do with her.

"When you go to meet her, can I come with you?"

There was silence for a moment, and Sara began to doubt the wisdom of asking. She was hardly sure of her own ability to be in the Yeerk's presence for any length of time... but as Elsa had said, there was nothing worse than a mystery Yeerk. Sara wholeheartedly agreed with the sentiment 'better the devil you know'.

"I guess," Elsa said slowly. "You really want to?"

"Uh-huh," Sara murmured.

"I'll have to check it's alright with Akhir. She might not want to be outnumbered. But some moral support would be great, if you're sure."

The relief in Elsa's voice was palpable, and Sara was glad for her friend's sake now that she'd made the offer. "No problem."

"You'll have to promise to be nice."

Despite the fact that Elsa couldn't see her, or maybe because of it, Sara rolled her eyes. "If she's nice to me."

Two days later, Sara and Elsa got off the bus in the centre of town and headed along the sidewalk, the tarmac gleaming from the intensity of the sun, towards the Starbucks on the corner. It was a big cafe, with a mix of tables and booths along the wall. The latter had comfortable padded bench seats that had enough height at the back to offer a little more privacy. It was in one of these that Elsa had asked Akhir to wait, if possible. Sara was anticipating the Yeerk would be there first: they were, of course, late.

The walls of the cafe were coloured in bright, warm oranges and reds. It was reasonably busy, loud with chatter, but it did not look too crowded and Sara hoped there would have been a booth space free.

"Do you know what she looks like?"

"No," Elsa admitted. "But she sent me a description, and she knows me. Besides, it's a fair bet she'll look at least a little bit like her host, and I've met her."

Sara frowned. "Why would she look like... oh. DNA."

"Generally is the reason anyone looks like anyone else. Or I guess coincidence. Or plastic surgery."

Sara snorted, which caused Elsa's smile to broaden. Elsa had been sillier even than her usual joky self on the way over, which Sara was pretty sure was merely a mask for her fear. It was more reassuring, though, than sharing a bus with someone who was visibly scared, and Sara was glad of it.

Searching the booths, it did not take them long to find one with only one occupant, a slim woman with long, jet-black hair tied back elegantly in a ponytail, which swished slightly as she turned to look at them. She'd been fiddling with a bracelet on her wrist, but as she looked across to them her hand stilled, and she uncrossed her arms with what seemed like conscious effort. Her expression was still nervous, though, as she made eye contact with them.

"Hello, Elsa," she said quietly.

"Akhir?" Elsa confirmed in a whisper, after a glance to either side to ensure there were no eavesdroppers.

The Yeerk nodded, slowly beginning to stand. "Can I get either of you a coffee? By... by way of apology."

Sara's nose wrinkled with instant disgust. "It's gonna take a bit more than a fucking coffee, Yeerk," she snapped.

"Shhh," Elsa urged her, glancing around. "What happened to nice?"

"If she thinks-" Sara began, then stopped herself. Wrestling with her hatred, she managed to regain a modicum of control, and lowered her voice. "I'm getting my own coffee."

"Of course," Akhir said smoothly, turning her eyes to Elsa.

"Sara's right, it _is_ going to take more than a coffee." Elsa gave Akhir a quizzical look. "How about you throw in a muffin?"

Akhir looked uncertain. "I'm not sure whether you want me to laugh or not," she admitted.

"Go for a smile, a large cappucino with two sugars, and a double chocolate muffin. Oh, and maybe a slightly less casual apology when you get back."

Akhir did indeed smile then, although it was laced with anxiety. "Okay."

Elsa started to slide into the padded bench seat, then abruptly stopped and got back to her feet. "Oh, hang on, I'll have to come with you. Not sure it's safe for the two of you to go together," she added, glancing at Sara's stony face.

The three of them were soon crossing back across the expansive room to the booth, carrying their drinks. Elsa slid to the far side of the seat opposite Akhir, taking a massive bite out of her muffin as she did so.

"Mmm," she murmured through a mouthful of gooey chocolate.

Sara took a slower sip of her latte, not taking her eyes off Akhir, who was stirring her own coffee repeatedly, without even attempting to drink. The clatter of her spoon against the ceramic seemed unnaturally loud, even against the noise of chatter and laughter around them, and it soon began to irritate Sara.

"Stop that," she snapped eventually.

The spoon stilled, and was removed from the cup. "Sorry," Akhir murmured.

Sara felt Elsa nudge her side, and looked over. The muffin was completely demolished, only a few crumbs remaining on the plate, which Elsa was mopping up with a finger.

"You said you'd be nice," Elsa reminded her for the second time.

"When she apologises," Sara muttered. "Properly."

"Hey, it wasn't like she ever shoved _you_ in a cage. If anything I should be the one taking offence."

Akhir jerked, her leg hitting the table as she did so and causing some of the coffee to slop over the edge of the cups. "Sorry," she said, looking at the drinks, then back up at them. Her expression was full of anguish: real or feigned, Sara could not tell, though automatic distrust made her suspect the latter. "And I am truly and deeply sorry for the suffering we... I... caused you in the war." Her eyes moved between the two of them as she spoke, but lingered for longer on Elsa.

Her apology made no dent in Sara's feelings of rage and loathing. Despite her resolution to stay calm, she couldn't help challenging the Yeerk further. "If you're that sorry, why'd you do it?"

"Cos they'd have executed her if she didn't?" Elsa jumped in, before Akhir could respond.

"That didn't stop Kal," Sara shot back, turning her attention to Elsa. "Why the hell are you _defending_ her?"

"Defending? Not sure I'd go that far. Just trying to keep anyone from punching anyone else. And not everyone can be as brave as Kalran."

"They could have been, if they'd wanted to," Sara muttered, but without as much venom. She'd remembered she was partly supposed to be here to support Elsa, and she wasn't doing a great job of that so far. She still couldn't understand how Elsa was so calm near someone who'd wronged her so deeply... well, calm on the surface, at least. Sara could bet she was feeling pretty unpleasant underneath. The least Sara could do was avoid making things worse.

"It's OK." Elsa said gently to Akhir, whose eyes were cast down to the tabletop. "You were always pretty OK, anyway. Never hurt me."

Sara's newly-resolved vow of silence was shortlived. "Never hurt you?!" she exclaimed incredulously.

"Physically," Elsa clarified. "Some guards used to practically wrench your arms out your sockets, or whack you with their blades."

Akhir winced, her eyes cast down to the tabletop. While the distress was almost certainly feigned, it looked convincing, with her eyes beginning to fill with tears. Much to Sara's disgust, Elsa looked to be taken in, reaching across to cover the Yeerk's hand with her own.

"Hey, it's okay. Let's put it behind us, huh?"

Sara wasn't about to put anything behind her, but she managed to stay silent.

"Thank you," Akhir managed after a few moments. "You're too good, Elsa."

Elsa's sudden laughter almost made Sara jump. She laughed long and loud enough that a couple of people at other tables looked round.

When she had recovered sufficiently, she managed, in a quieter voice: "Sorry. Just imagining my former Yeerks' faces at _that_ description. I've been called many adjectives by your lot, but strangely enough 'good' has never been one of them."

"Then either they don't know you very well, or they were too blinded by the Empire," Akhir said frankly.

Her words surprised Sara: talking about the Empire like that was something she was used to peace movement Yeerks doing, but she hadn't expected it from this one.

"It might also have had something to do with me singing irritating songs at them."

Elsa was straining to keep her tone light, but Sara could hear tension behind it, and could only imagine what Elsa might be feeling, remembering her infestation. Quickly, Sara decided to change the subject. "So," she began, moving her eyes to Akhir, who immediately looked nervous again. "You want to help Kalran, right?"

Akhir frowned. "Sorry?" Her voice was quiet and hesitant, as though she expected Sara to snap at her just from the question.

"My Yeerk. Her mate's one of the ones who..." Sara trailed off, the words reminding her too much of the last time she'd seen Kalran. Kal had been even more upset than usual, and had eventually admitted to her host that she was going to counselling. Sara'd noticed that Kalran had been pretty miserable for the last couple of months, but she'd had no idea things were _that_ bad. If only Kal could believe that they'd eventually succeed with Oglud and the others... she'd be fine then, surely?

"Oh," Akhir said quietly, breaking Sara from her thoughts. She was silent for a few seconds, watching Sara quizzically. "I... I'm sorry if this seems none of my business, but I have to say I'm surprised you're still in touch with your Yeerk."

"She was in the peace movement." Sara couldn't keep the hard edge out of her voice. "Some of your species have decency."

"Indeed." Akhir's voice was thoughtful, cautious. "She must have some courage."

"Unlike you, you mean?" Sara snapped automatically. A few seconds later, though, the surprise hit her. "You're not calling her a traitor?"

Akhir frowned slightly. "Were you expecting me to?"

"Half her flatmates did," Sara spat, her voice sharp. "Most Empire Yeerks seem to."

"Well, I'm not. I... the Empire was..." Akhir lowered her voice, glancing around nervously. "The Empire was horrendous. I... I wish I'd had the courage to-"

Sara felt her fury return in full force, making her stomach boil with rage. "Don't give me that, Yeerk! How convenient, to turn around now and say..."

"Whoa," Elsa cut in, laying a hand on Sara's arm. "Stop. I believe her."

Shocked, Sara turned to look at her, seeing only earnestness in her friend's face. "Elsa, can't you see..."

"I am the only one of us who's ever met Akhir before today," Elsa said softly. "I'm also the only one of us who's had more than one Yeerk. Most of them aren't mad keen on the Empire. I've only had a couple who I would say liked it, and one of them was..." Elsa cut off, suddenly, looking a little pale, then rapidly continued. "None of mine were peace movement, either. And you have to bear in mind this is with them trying very very hard to hide the fact that they ever thought the Empire was less than one hundred percent perfect."

Sara watched her friend in silence, surprised by the forcefulness of her speech She'd never heard Elsa defend a Yeerk like this... well, she'd gone off on a similar rant when she'd first heard about Kal, but that hardly counted. "Fine," she said eventually, not wanting Akhir to see quite how much she'd been convinced by Elsa's words.

There was silence for a while, strange set against the general hubbub of the busy cafe.

"I'm sorry to hear about Kalran's mate," Akhir said eventually. "That must be very difficult for her. I have a friend, Geltrin, who's in a similar situation. His close siblings... they're all in the Pool, only he morphed. He was the first to go, you see, so he couldn't simply decide not to take the power once he realised."

"I think Jasmine mentioned him," Elsa said quietly. "Sorry to hear that."

"How is Kalran coping? If you don't mind my asking?" Akhir's voice was gentle. "I'd like to help, if I can, especially if her flat mates are hostile to her. She must feel quite isolated... I could perhaps be some company to her, at least."

Sara opened her mouth, intending to give Akhir quite a cool reply. Kal's flat mates had got friendlier, after all, and she had other people to talk to now. Illim had gone for coffee with her a couple of times, there was still Ilkiss of course, and Kalran had a few close siblings left, though they'd been placed a distance away. And of course Elsa and the others made sure to include her at every possible opportunity. Sara was pretty sure she could do without the friendship of some uppity Empire Yeerk.

"That'd be great," Elsa cut in, before Sara could answer. "I'm sure she'd really welcome it. D'you want me to give her your number?"

Sara glanced sideways at Elsa: she was suspiciously enthusiastic. "She's not exactly all on her own, Elsa."

"Sure, but she could use cheering up as much as possible." Elsa was clearly endeavouring to look calmer than she felt: a grin was sneaking its way onto her face. "Can I give her your number?"

"I think you'll find you only actually have Jasmine's," Akhir responded. "But I can give you mine, which will also take Jaz out of the rather time-consuming role of messenger."

"Sure, that's great." Elsa rummaged in her bag for her cell phone, a process that took quite some time as Elsa dug through the detritus that inevitably seemed to accumulate in all her possessions.

Once the two had exchanged numbers, Akhir asked: "So, how else can I help? I've written to everyone on the list you sent Jaz... is there anything else?"

"Flyers to hand out," Elsa replied, rummaging in her bag again before passing them over. "If we get any interviews or anything like that I can get in touch with you, but that might be kind of risky. Other than that, I guess any other way you can think of."

"What about fundraising? I... I have some experience in event management, perhaps that might be of use to you."

Elsa frowned. "I bet I know which organisation for," she muttered darkly, her teeth gritted. It was the first time she'd shown her anger openly. "Fine. But if I even think I hear the words 'full membership' then you're fired."

The Yeerk looked unsure again, while Sara curled her hand into a fist under the table at the mention of the Sharing.

"Kidding," Elsa said quickly, at the expression on Akhir's face. "Well, kidding in the sense it's light-hearted, not in the sense it's not true. But I'm not mad at you. Anyway, there were people the Sharing actually helped, much as it pains me to admit it."

"Don't be ridiculous," Sara snapped.

"I'm not." Elsa swallowed hard, and looked down at her lap, her expression miserable. "I... my Yeerks recruited some of them, and some of them definitely looked a lot happier afterwards. I... I wished I had... I wish we'd..." she trailed off, looking so upset that Sara reached across to touch her arm, immediately discarding any thought of asking more.

There was another silence, lasting until Elsa managed to lift her eyes up again, wiping at them roughly with her sleeve. "Sorry," she muttered, looking embarrassed.

"I've been meaning to say thank you," Akhir said gently, ignoring Elsa's apology. "On Jasmine's behalf. She... she doesn't really have any human friends. There are a few ex-voluntaries she keeps in touch with, but they aren't particularly close, and they rarely dare to meet together in public... the risk of being recognised is much greater when there's a group of them. But she always comes home from choir smiling. She's really been enjoying talking to you. Of course, she ruins it once she starts thinking, she worries about every single thing she's said in case she says something wrong, but that's just how she is."

"Bless her," Elsa murmured.

Sara was tempted to make a sharp comment: in her view, voluntaries deserved every scrap of worry that came their way. But Elsa seemed upset enough without adding to it. Struggling to make sense of her sadness, Sara wondered what it might have been like to spend long in the Sharing without the benefit of a peace movement Yeerk. Kal had avoided recruitment where she could, and she'd never got that deep into it. But Elsa's Yeerks would have been actively pursuing other hosts, using Elsa's body and mind to trick vulnerable people into agreeing to full membership... walking through that door to find a portable Yeerk pool waiting for them...

Sara shuddered, feeling sick. She suddenly felt her desire to be away from Akhir intensify, and could barely sit still as the other two continued their conversation. One of them seemed to sense this, though Sara could not tell who, as it seemed they began to draw their conversation to a close at the same time.

"Thank you both, for meeting me. I know it can't have been easy."

Elsa shrugged. "Hey, I got a free muffin out of it." The nonchalance in her tone failed to entirely hide the tension behind it. "I guess it wasn't easy for you either."

"You've been kinder than I have any right to expect. Both of you."

"I clearly wasn't trying hard enough, then," Sara muttered, unable to resist.

A few minutes later, Sara and Elsa headed outside into the last of the afternoon sun. As soon as they were past the cafe's windows, Elsa let out a loud sigh and slumped, her posture dropping suddenly into that of someone much older.

"Are you OK?" Sara asked, stretching a hand towards Elsa's shoulder.

"Yeah," Elsa replied unconvincingly. "I'm fine. It wasn't easy, but it was worth doing."

"How did you manage it?" Sara couldn't hold back her disbelief any longer. "After what she did to you..."

Elsa shrugged. "You can do most stuff, if you're determined enough. I wanted to make this work, for Kal and the others, so I promised myself I'd forgive her. I thought it'd be a pretty surface-level thing, I wouldn't actually have to mean it, but..." she trailed off.

"It wasn't a surface-level thing?" Sara guessed. She wasn't sure what Elsa meant by that, but she wanted her to continue: talking over things would probably help, and Sara couldn't bear the idea of Elsa going home to go over the afternoon alone in her own mind.

"I just didn't expect to feel sorry for her, that's all."

" _Sorry for her?!"_ Sara squeaked, horrified. That was the last thing she would have expected Elsa to say. "Why?!"

Elsa hesitated before answering. "I don't know, I... how she felt about the Empire, everything... she just seemed like she didn't want to have done any of it."

"Elsa, you can't believe that? Of course she'd say that now."

Elsa sighed, looking so lost that the next words of disbelief died on Sara's lips before she even began to utter them.

"The thing is... I don't know, I worry about it because it's probably some sort of Stockholm syndrome thing, but... the thing is, I don't even know why, but I do believe her."


	26. Chapter 26

The carrot scratched against the metal surface of the grater as Alniss made the final preparations for tonight's meal. It was rare for her to cook at home: the others judged, rightly, that Alniss spent enough time in a kitchen at the cafe and didn't need to prepare food at home as well. Kalran was usually quite happy to be cast in the role of chef: she said it calmed her. The others had had to take their fair share too, particularly of late... there were days when Kalran was simply too tired even to make a sandwich. But today was different.

Beside her, Kalran was fretting, peering through the glass of the oven door for what must have been the fiftieth time.

"I don't think the pizza's rising enough," she worried.

"It's fine." Alniss finished with the carrot, tapping the grater to encourage all the bits to fall into the bowl before pouring a dressing over the salad. "It's always fine. You're a good baker."

"I don't know..." Kalran looked uncertain.

"It's absolutely fine. It'll be delicious." Sighing, Alniss added: "you're acting like you expect some Visser to step through the door. Akhir's only our rank, isn't she?" There was no answer, Kalran now worrying over the salad. "Isn't she?" Alniss repeated.

"Yes," Kalran said distractedly, fiddling with a pile of knives and forks that lay beside a stack of plates.

"And you've already met her, haven't you?"

"A couple of times. Yes."

"If she was this intimidating why'd you invite her, then?"

"She's not," Kalran sighed, finally leaving the cutlery alone to look up at Alniss. "It's just me... I'm worrying unnecessarily, I know that."

At that moment, their conversation was interrupted by the insistent harshness of the buzzer. Kalran jumped slightly, and hurried out to answer it. While she did so, Alniss emptied some chips into a bowl and took them across to the low coffee table at the living-room end of the open-plan room, placing them next to a couple of dips. As she did so, Tafnik pushed the door open, followed closely by Hallim. Menhal was running late, and Carla'd been asked to do a last-minute shift at work: she wouldn't be back until much later. Alniss made a mental note to save back some of the pizza and salad before the meal, so she could eat when she came in.

A few moments later, they heard the front door of the apartment open, and it wasn't long before Kalran and her guests were walking into the living room. Alniss turned to observe them: the two women were similar in physical appearance, dark-haired and dark-eyed, but one of them stood slightly straighter than and forward of the other.

"May the Kandrona shine and strengthen you, Akhir seven-three-nine," Alniss said to the taller of the two, once Kalran had introduced them.

Akhir smiled slightly. "And you, Alniss seven-five-four. Although I'm not sure the Kandrona can do much for me now, except perhaps very slightly warm me."

While it was clearly intended as a joke, the truth of that statement was painful, and Alniss shifted her weight slightly from one foot to the other as she turned her attention to the second figure. "And hello, Jasmine," Alniss added. "It's good to meet you."

"You too," Akhir's host said softly. She was standing close to her Yeerk, closer than Alniss would have expected from her knowledge of human social norms.

"It's nice to see you both again," Hallim added, smiling at the two of them, though her eyes lingered longer on Jasmine. "How are you, Jaz?"

Jasmine frowned slightly, glancing across at Akhir, then seemed suddenly to realise something. "Oh... oh, you're _that_ Hallim. I'm sorry, I didn't realise."

"Well, I do look a little different," Hallim said with a smile. "Less spiky."

Jasmine smiled. "Just a little bit."

"Can- can I offer either of you anything to drink?" Kalran asked, one hand twisting the hem of her skirt between her fingers anxiously.

As Akhir turned towards her, she gave her an expansive smile. "That would be lovely." She let her eyes flick back to Jasmine for a split second, before returning her gaze to Kalran. "An orange juice, please, if you have any, and a Coke?"

The latter was said with only the tiniest inflection of a question, so little that Alniss hardly heard it, but it was clearly enough, as Jasmine immediately murmured a confirmatory "please". Alniss felt a slight pang of jealousy: she couldn't read what Carla wanted anywhere near as accurately as that. She had to remind herself she could hardly expect to, given she'd never been inside her head, but that didn't stop her from wishing she could.

Soon they had all settled down with their drinks, munching on a few chips as they waited for the pizzas to be ready.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Kalran," Jasmine said. "Akhir's told me so much about you."

Kalran smiled at her, looking slightly more reassured than she had at the start of the evening. "Likewise. How's your daughter?"

"She's fine," Jasmine murmured, belying her words slightly with a worried look. "She's sleeping over at a friend's."

"She'll be absolutely fine." Akhir's tone suggested that this was a sentence she'd said many times. "Becca's parents will look after her perfectly well."

"I know. I just worry that she might decide she wants to come home, and it'll take me a while to get there."

"And we have a plan for that, don't we? Several plans, in fact, not that I think we'll need to use them." Akhir smiled slightly. "Maya's been going on about this for days: how she's going to paint every part of the human body that can reasonably be painted, do everyone's hair because she's just learnt how to do plaits, and eat a tooth-rotting quantity of sweets before eventually falling asleep in a sugar coma. I can't imagine her wanting to come home, can you?"

Jasmine smiled too, looking more relaxed. "I don't remember her saying that last bit."

Alniss was utterly lost. "Is this some kind of human coming-of-age ritual?"

Kalran, Akhir and Tafnik- in short, all the Yeerks who'd had human hosts- burst out in either grins or outright laughter, making Alniss flush.

"You could call it that," Akhir said with a smile. "It's called a sleepover. My own view is that it's the worst invention humans have ever come up with, rivalled only by nuclear weaponry, but I may be alone in this opinion."

Jasmine rolled her eyes, smiling. "Akhir likes to put on the aloof-Yeerk act, but she loves her really, don't you?"

Alniss tensed slightly: that was insubordinate of Jasmine, and she was afraid she might be reprimanded. And if Kalran reacted badly to that, as she was likely to, then... Alniss knew Kalran had met Akhir a couple of times, after Akhir'd randomly got in touch somehow, and she'd seemed to really enjoy the outings. Enjoyment was something that even Alniss had noticed was rare for Kalran these days, and for it all to be ruined by some stray comment...

Alniss' stream of worry cut off as she belatedly realised Akhir had merely laughed.

"Well, that's my masterful deception uncovered."

"Does your masterful deception include the time you bought her two new My Little Ponies in the same day?" Jasmine teased, grinning at her Yeerk.

"I admit that was a minor lapse," Akhir responded, smiling back.

The conversation was interrupted by the sound of the oven timer alerting them to the fact that dinner was ready. Alniss was pleased by the interruption, which gave her a chance to let her thoughts catch up with the conversation. As she sliced and distributed pizza, she wondered about Akhir and Jasmine: she'd not seen a Yeerk interact with their voluntary host before, and it didn't look the way she'd expected. Of course, she'd seen plenty of Yeerks who had voluntary host bodies, but naturally you never saw the conversation between them, it was all internal. She'd heard a lot about what it was supposed to look like, starting as a young grub. She could still remember what she'd accessed in the computer terminals, eager as a pool-bound Yeerk for her first proper host, beyond the fifteen minutes she'd been allocated in training.

 _The foundation of all infestation is the glory and advancement of the Empire. On our own planet, which the accursed Andalites stole from us, the Gedd came to us for our intelligence, which led them to safe feeding sources. From this, we built up our Empire. We must, of course, care for our hosts: they are valuable resources, and a Yeerk should keep them well for the betterment of the Empire. However, we must exercise caution. A willing host, in particular, can easily encourage a Yeerk into the crime of sympathy, punishable by Kandrona starvation. Sympathy, simply defined, is providing more for a host than is needed to benefit the Empire, or providing something that will cause detriment to the Empire and its goals. To avoid this, remember: a good Yeerk will care for their host's health, to the ultimate benefit of the Empire. But they will ensure their host's obedience, without leniency._

Alniss pulled herself out of her thoughts in time to tune back into the conversation as they started their meal.

"Oh, I was just the usual, really," Tafnik was saying. "Gedd- a cleaner- then a period as a Hork-Bajir, and then just standard recruitment for the Sharing. Nothing special. You?"

"Oh, nothing special either. Assignment-wise, that is. Host-wise I was rather lucky," Akhir replied, smiling slightly at Jasmine.

"Excuse me," Jasmine said, her tone mock-offended. "You were _very_ lucky."

Akhir laughed. "I stand corrected. Yes, I was very lucky."

Alniss watched the exchange with interest, surprised at its teasing nature. They both seemed so relaxed in the other's company, their words flowing between them without any barrier at all. Jealousy nudged at Alniss, alongside her curiosity: a host like Jasmine was a rarity. Carla was another such rarity, of course, but her relationship with Carla wasn't as easy as this.

"And you, Alniss?"

Alniss pulled herself out of her reverie at Akhir's voice. "Sorry?"

"What did you do, in the war?"

"Oh... I was a security guard, most of the time. Hork-Bajir."

"You never had a human host?" Akhir asked gently. "That must have been quite an adjustment."

"It was fine," Alniss said shortly. Her words were a lie, but she didn't feel like letting Akhir in that far. It had indeed been difficult, when she'd first taken her _nothlit_ form: the only thing she knew about being human was how to cook, having spent some time as a Gedd in the Pool's kitchens: she'd had to work out everything else from only her training on humans and the bare, primal instincts of her human morph, which were almost useless without any cultural understanding to link them to.

Akhir seemed to sense Alniss' reluctance to talk, and quickly changed the subject. "Kalran told me Carla's working," she began, after swallowing her mouthful of pizza. "Will she be joining us later? It would be lovely to see her again."

"You knew Carla?" Alniss asked, surprised.

"Only a little. By the time she joined us I'd moved on from being a Pool guard, I was working in recruitment, but I spoke to her at a few Sharing events. And you knew her a little, Jaz, didn't you?"

Jasmine nodded. "We shared the same feeding a few times. It would be lovely to see her."

Alniss smiled, pleased. Carla had only them to rely on, and it would do her some good to have contact with someone else. Jasmine seemed appropriate.

"Yes, she'll be joining us later. I wish she didn't work, especially so late, but she insists on it." Alniss didn't really understand why: her financial position had improved, the cafe becoming increasingly successful, and she'd made it clear to Carla that she could support her now, especially with a little help from the others. But Carla had refused, even to work in the cafe in return, where Alniss could at least ensure her an easy ride. And there were no late shifts.

"She just wants to support herself, Alniss. Be independent." Kalran piped up.

Alniss bristled: feeling sorry for Kalran didn't mean she had to accept her unsolicited advice. "What do you know about it?" She tried to keep her tone as gentle as she could, but it still came out harsher than she wanted.

Kalran blushed, looking down at the floor. "Nothing, really."

There was a short, awkward silence.

"Kalran told us you run a cafe, Alniss," Jasmine said quietly, looking interestedly across at her. "I like to cook, too. Do you make all the food yourself?"

Alniss nodded. "Tafnik and I do. He works with me."

"You must be very talented, to learn to cook so well in just two years," Jasmine replied, with an admiring smile.

Alniss smiled back, the grin stretching her lips before she'd even consciously noticed it. "Thank you, but I worked in the Pool kitchens as a Gedd, for a little while. I knew how to make some things."

"Not the cake, though, I imagine," Kalran said. "Not much call for cake in the Pool, too unhealthy."

Tafnik grinned, in the trademark way that preceded a joke. "Is that why you joined the movement, Kalran? Not enough Ben and Jerry's in the Empire?"

Though Tafnik was smiling, Kalran looked uncomfortable, and Alniss tensed. Did Akhir even know? Tafnik should know better than to bring such a subject up, but he could be tactless in his humour sometimes.

"Yet another reason why I'm ashamed I never had the courage," Akhir said quickly, smiling at Kalran. "I love ice cream too."

Confusion jolted through Alniss. She wanted to ask what Akhir meant: it sounded like she'd considered joining the movement, during the war... but Alniss held herself back. She was still a little irritated at Kalran's comment: Kalran didn't know Carla as well as she did, after all; but Alniss was all-too-aware of the tension that had gripped Kalran's frame, and wanted to move the topic onto safer ground as soon as possible.

"I prefer savoury flavours, myself," Alniss said quickly. "I'm not sure whether it's my morph, or whether I just don't eat enough sweet things... are taste preferences genetic, in humans?"

"Probably a combination of both genetic and environmental factors," Kalran said instantly, rising to the bait as only a scientist could. "Most things in humans are. Most things in most species, really, particularly sapients."

"How does that work, exactly?" Jasmine asked. "I mean, the combination bit. I can see how if you only eat certain foods your whole life you wouldn't know if you liked others, and I can see how your height could be limited if you didn't have enough food, but if it's most things..."

Jasmine trailed off, but she seemed to have given enough information for Kalran to understand her question, as Kalran launched into a long explanation of epigenetics. Despite its length, Jasmine seemed fascinated, peppering Kalran with questions, which allowed Alniss to relax and turn to Akhir. Deciding to forego any subject related to the war, as far as she could, they ended up engaging in a pleasant chat about their current circumstances: Akhir worked as an administration assistant for a charity that specialised in helping humans who had suffered extremely difficult circumstances.

"I'm hoping to train as a counsellor myself, eventually," Akhir continued. "I'd like to support more directly, but at least my work does something valuable."

"What made you go into that?" Alniss asked. It wasn't exactly the kind of thing she would have had experience of before: the Empire had nothing remotely resembling mental health services. Yeerks who were unfit for service to the Empire, physically or mentally, were simply returned to the Pool, unless they'd failed to admit their incompetence and so caused damage to the Empire's interests, in which case they were usually executed.

"Some of the work I did in the Sharing was... not dissimilar, in a lot of ways," Akhir said. Her eyes flicked across to Jasmine, who was still engaged in her conversation with Kalran. "Though I am glad that now my organisation's motivations are... well, more genuine."

Alniss was puzzled. "She doesn't seem to mind," she pointed out, also looking at Jasmine.

Akhir looked a little uneasy, and quickly changed the subject. Alniss struggled to understand why: she couldn't imagine she was wrong in what she said, Jasmine seemed very happy with Akhir, and it could hardly have been different when she was a Controller.

The rest of the meal passed pleasantly enough, and they were soon scraping up the remains of the chocolate cake Alniss had made from their bowls. It seemed popular: Jasmine had even asked for a second helping, and there was still an ember of pride glowing inside Alniss as she glanced at her watch.

"I'm going to head down and meet Carla," Alniss announced to the room at large. "Anyone want to come with me?"

She always preferred to have company walking in the dark, especially this late. Their neighbourhood wasn't that safe, and Alniss always felt uneasy. That was part of the reason she never missed an opportunity to meet Carla after a late shift, even if she had to walk there alone: she was too afraid of the thought of Carla being mugged, unlikely as that was, to take the risk.

"Oh, can I?" Akhir asked immediately, getting to her feet. "I haven't seen her for many years, I'd love to have extra time to catch up."

"Of course," Alniss said, relieved, if a little surprised.

The two of them made their way out of the cramped flat while the others were sipping coffee, and headed down the dark, dank stairwell, which was thankfully quiet, and out into the night. It was a little chilly, and Alniss half-wished she'd brought her jacket, but she didn't want to be late.

"Poor Kalran," Akhir said, as they moved out of the door. "It's such a shame, isn't it?"

"About her mate? Yes, it is," Alniss admitted, though her feelings were mixed, and she couldn't help adding: "Though there are many Yeerks who suffered worse."

"Of course," Akhir murmured gently.

Alniss felt a touch on her arm, and looked around at the other Yeerk.

"I'm so sorry for your losses. It..." Akhir trailed off.

"Kalran told you, did she?" Alniss spat bitterly: while she welcomed Akhir's sympathy, which she was certain was meant only kindly, the reminder of those she'd lost also stung. Surely even Kalran could see that it was her business who she told.

Akhir frowned. "Actually, I don't think it was."

Puzzlement replaced some of Alniss' pain, which was more than welcome. "Really? Who else told you? Have you met the others before today?"

"No." Akhir seemed a little hesitant as she continued. "I think it might have been... well, you may not be pleased to hear this, but I think it might have been Elsa."

Freezing in her tracks, Alniss spun around to face her companion, disbelief and fury competing for her attention. When... when Silrin had finally been granted a transfer away from the girl who had distressed her so much, Alniss had hoped to never hear her name again, but it seemed to be cropping up on a regular basis now, from the most unexpected directions. Coming so soon after her pain, the anger she felt at Elsa daring to spread her personal grief around to all and sundry made her snap.

"How does that _laklat_ even know? How dare she- how _dare_ she!" Alniss' voice was almost a scream, muted only by her nervousness about drawing attention on the dark street.

"I'm sorry if I've hurt you," Akhir said softly. "You're right, it's none of my business. But I would prefer it if you didn't use that word."

She was right: Alniss had to admit that, despite her rage. She'd always found the word distasteful, herself, even in the war. "I'm sorry," Alniss managed to say. "I've never said it before, if you can believe that."

"Of course I can. You're right, Elsa shouldn't have shared that information with me. And I perhaps shouldn't have mentioned it, but I wanted to say I'd like to help you, in any way I can. Not... not that there's much I can do, but..."

"Thank you." It sounded a little cool, but, as Alniss had had to force the words out against the storm of emotions inside her, she had little ability to control the tone. "That's kind of you."

"Not at all," Akhir replied.

They walked the remaining short distance to the bus stop in silence. Internally, though, Alniss' mind was anything but quiet, swirling with pain, fury and, increasingly, a burning curiosity. An ex-Pool guard was probably the last person she would have expected Elsa to willingly speak to, and yet...

When they reached the bus stop, Alniss decided to take advantage of the remaining few minutes before Carla's arrival to assuage her curiosity. "Why in all the galaxy was Elsa talking to you?"

Akhir gave a wry smile. "That's a very good question. It shocked me too, I never in a million years thought..." she trailed off, looking a little uncomfortable again. "We've spoken a couple of times about helping the Yeerks still in the Pool. I don't know if you know, but Elsa's started a campaign to try and get them permission to have hosts. She approached Jasmine about it, initially, and then when Jaz mentioned it to me I asked if they would mind me helping too. You see, I have a friend who is in a similar situation to Kalran, so I knew how distressing it was, and I wanted to..."

Only a few words of this explanation had registered with Alniss, who took a few seconds to process what she was hearing, certain she must have misunderstood, but apparently not. "Do you mean to say you're _letting_ Elsa have contact with _Jasmine_?" Alniss couldn't keep the horror out of her voice, not that she particularly wanted to.

Akhir was silent for several moments before she answered. "I'm not sure it's a question of letting her," she said slowly.

"Really?" Alniss was surprised. "Surely Jasmine would obey a direct order from you."

"Probably," Akhir said with a slight smile. "I'm not sure I've ever given her one. And I don't want to start now." Her voice became firmer, and the smile disappeared. "That kind of relationship wouldn't benefit either of us. Besides, if I was to start ordering Jaz about I'd probably tell her to interact more with other humans, not less. Elsa's been very friendly to Jaz, and she really needs more friends. The last thing I want to do is get in the way of that."

Alniss was too shocked to speak for a moment. "But..." she shook her head to clear it. "Don't you know how much danger you're putting her in?"

"Danger?" Akhir turned towards Alniss, looking a little worried for the first time. "Why do you say that?"

Alniss stared at her. The dark eyes seemed intelligent enough, but some extreme stupidity must be lurking behind them to even ask such a question. "It's _Elsa_ ," Alniss said slowly. "A highly resistant involuntary host. Talking to your voluntary. Gaining her trust. Do you not see... if she manages to get Jasmine alone..."

"Do you have any evidence that Elsa might be dangerous?" Akhir asked, still a lot calmer than Alniss felt. "Beyond her being a resistant involuntary: I knew _that_ , but I never got the impression of that she would plan to murder or even hurt someone in cold blood. I could have imagined her yelling at Jaz if she'd happened to meet her, maybe even throwing a punch, but not... not that."

"But... she..." Alniss couldn't find the words to make Akhir understand. "Even if it is such a small chance... doesn't it terrify you?"

Akhir's calm demeanour broke for a moment, and Alniss could see the fear beneath. "Yes. Yes, I'm afraid all the time that Jasmine might be recognised by someone else. I don't think Elsa's a danger to her, but there are involuntaries that wouldn't hesitate to hurt her." Akhir paused, biting her lip as she looked down at the ground. "It was worse when I was in the Pool. I- I didn't know where she was, what had happened to her... I had visions of her out on the street, but I should have known better, really. Jasmine's tough." Shaking her head, Akhir lifted her eyes again, looking directly at Alniss. "But what can she do, realistically? She can't just stay in the apartment all the time, and she could be spotted anywhere. I worry, I try not to let Jasmine see how much, but Elsa's the least of those worries, especially now I've met her again."

Without realising she was doing so, Alniss glanced down the road in the direction the bus would come from. "It frightens me, too."

There were a few moments' silence. Alniss pulled her jacket a little closer around her shoulders: she wasn't sure if it was the reminder of the danger Carla was in every day, or simply the cold of the night wind, but she felt shivery. After a while, though, her fear calmed enough to note something else Akhir had said.

"You've met Elsa?" she asked, turning towards her. "Really? She spoke to _you?_ Willingly?"

Akhir smiled slightly. "Yes, it surprised me too. It seems she really is determined to get our _schrellatna_ in the Pool a better deal. I doubt she would have spent time with me if she wasn't extremely committed to it."

Nodding, Alniss shifted her weight from one foot to the other. It was hard to sort through her turbulent emotions, but it must be less than a minute now before Carla's bus arrived, and she wanted to make the most of the opportunity to get Akhir's advice. None of the other Yeerks she knew had a voluntary host they were still in contact with, and she seemed only to get one thing after another wrong with Carla at the moment.

"Carla wanted to help with that campaign, too. She... she offered to host Kalran's mate. Of course, it'll never be allowed, and I didn't want her to take the risk for something that's so unlikely to work, so I... I told her she could write anonymously, she could visit the Pool, but she wasn't to do any more than that. Was... do you think that was..." Alniss trailed off, taking a deep breath before she tried again. "You and Jasmine... you have a good bond with her, that's obvious, and I don't know anyone else who still has that kind of contact with their host. Carla was never my host, but... but I feel as though she was, in some ways."

"I can understand that," Akhir said gently.

"Did I do the right thing?" Alniss asked quickly, before she lost her nerve. "I realise we're virtually strangers, but there's no-one else I can ask."

"Have you considered asking Carla?" Akhir responded after a few moments.

Alniss frowned. "Well, she wants to help, she's made that clear. I... should I have let her? It could be so dangerous that I-"

Akhir sighed slightly: it might have been demeaning, except that it didn't seem to be directed at Alniss. "I think that one of the difficulties for us of taking humans, or even Hork-Bajir, as hosts is that we evolved with Gedds. Gedds _do_ benefit from our guidance a lot of the time, and we have the protective instincts that go with that. But humans are perfectly capable of making their own decisions: they can assess the risks just as well as us, and often better."

"You're saying I should allow it?" Alniss asked, tension knotting her stomach. That hadn't been the advice she was hoping for.

"I'm saying it isn't about allowing it. It's not your decision."

"But..." Fear was churning Alniss' stomach, making it difficult to stay still. "Then how can I keep her safe?"

Akhir laid a hand on her arm. "You can't, not completely. But you can't do that anyway, short of forbidding her ever to leave the apartment, which would hurt her anyway, it would deny her so much of what a human needs to be happy." Moving her hand up and down Alniss' arm, Akhir continued: "But you can tell her, that you're afraid. You might find she'll work with you to find a compromise. I wasn't really scared when Jaz told me about the campaign: she's very cautious anyway, she'll keep herself as safe as she can be. But I was... well, jealous is perhaps the only word for it, when she said she wanted to take on another Yeerk."

"It won't ever happen," Alniss said quickly, hoping to reassure her.

"The chances are remote, yes, but it might. And it would change our relationship, there's no doubt about that. Jasmine knows that, too, and she asked me how I would feel about it. We both wanted it to be part-time, so we could still have some time where we could speak to each other alone."

Alniss opened her mouth to ask more, but was interrupted by the lights of the bus swinging round the corner towards them. For the first time, Alniss felt herself tensing up as she turned to face it: her conversation with Akhir, far from being reassuring, had only made Alniss feel more certain that she didn't know what she was doing: that she was letting Carla down, letting _Silrin_ down...

As though sensing her thoughts, Akhir squeezed her shoulder. "Carla wouldn't still be here, and she certainly wouldn't be listening to you, if you didn't have a strong bond. There's no need to look so worried."

* * *

A reminder of Yeerkish terms this chapter:

 _Schrellatna:_ derived from _schrellatie,_ but plural. An affectionate, respectful way of referring to unrelated Yeerks. A literal translation might be 'our brothers and sister Yeerks'.

 _Laklat:_ a term literally meaning a non-sentient animal, used as an insulting term for hosts in the Empire.


	27. Chapter 27

As the bus rocked its way down the last few streets before her stop, Carla fought a yawn. Today's shift had been especially long and busy, and she could do with going straight to bed, but she knew she couldn't. Alniss had told her they were having a couple of people round that evening, and Carla wanted to be awake enough to talk to them. She only remembered Jasmine a little: they'd shared a feeding a few times, but they had never been close. Jasmine had been too shy to really talk to, anyway, and Carla had been happy enough spending time on her own for the few hours Silrin was outside her head.

Soon, the bus pulled to a stop and Carla got to her feet. She smiled as she stepped down from the bus directly in front of Alniss. Alniss had never failed to meet her after a late shift in almost a year, not once, and she'd never been late, either. It was good to see she wasn't on her own, too. Carla knew that Alniss got scared walking about alone at night, but it didn't seem to matter how often Carla told her it was okay, she could stay home: Alniss was always there when Carla stepped off the bus.

A surge of affection hit Carla as she thought this, and the hug she gave Alniss in greeting lingered longer than normal. "Hey," she said as she pulled back. "Is there any point me saying you really don't have to do this?"

"Oh," Alniss said, sounding uncertain. "Don't you... would you prefer it if I didn't?"

Carla, who had expected the usual "I want to" or "I don't mind", was taken aback slightly. "Of course not. I like you meeting me, I just don't want you to feel like you have to do it."

"Good," Alniss said, sounding relieved.

Letting her eyes drift away from Alniss, Carla took in the slim woman standing beside her. Her face was familiar. "Jasmine?"

The woman laughed gently. "No, not quite, although I think the confusion's my fault. I'm Akhir, Jasmine's Yeerk. I clearly didn't balance my DNA mix very well."

"You do look like sisters," Alniss said, as they began to trudge up the sidewalk towards home.

"Jasmine's back at the apartment," Akhir clarified "She's looking forward to seeing you again. How are you?"

"I'm fine," Carla replied. "Pretty good, actually. Kind of tired, but what can you do?"

"Work at the cafe instead?" Alniss interjected. "We have the money now. I wouldn't tire you."

Carla rolled her eyes. "Understatement of the year. You'd just let me sit in the corner and bring me food. Which is why I want you to hire someone you feel OK about asking to do some actual _work_."

There was a short silence, then Alniss said quietly: "okay."

"Your cafe must be doing well, then, if you're looking for more staff," Akhir commented.

"I suppose so."

Alniss was too modest sometimes, and Carla quickly cut in with: "it's doing great. If you ever go, get the red velvet cake. It's amazing."

"If it's even half as good as the chocolate cake we had today it must be quite something." Akhir smiled gently at Alniss, who was looking tense.

Alniss didn't return the smile: she was frowning, fiddling with a button on her jacket, and kept opening her mouth as though preparing to say something. Eventually, just as Carla was about to ask what was wrong, she burst out with: "Carla?"

"Yeah?" Carla held back a frown of puzzlement, trying to look encouraging. Alniss' nerves were beginning to make her worried, but it was clear that whatever Alniss was about to say was important, and Carla didn't want to make it harder for her.

"You know that... those things you wanted to do, to help Oglud and the others? Do you... do you still want to do it?"

Carla froze. "What?"

Alniss looked at her, sadness and worry competing for expression on her face. "Because you can, if you want to. Be part of that group, I mean. I..." she closed her eyes. "I shouldn't have tried... well, maybe I should, because I'm still afraid it might be dangerous..."

"You're going to let me do it?" Carla interrupted, with mixed feelings. She'd been hoping Alniss would change her mind, becoming increasingly impatient with the Yeerk's restrictions. But Carla was also afraid herself... and she had to admit that part of her had welcomed the excuse to back away from involving herself with the group.

Alniss nodded slowly, then glanced at Akhir. "Well... I'm saying it's your choice. I'm not saying whether you should or you shouldn't, although I really don't think it's a good idea. But I.. I'm not going to stand in your way."

The Yeerk's voice was anxious, hesitant: the whole idea was clearly still frightening, and Carla hastened to reassure her.

"I'm not going to do anything dangerous," Carla promised quickly. "If I do still want to do it, even. I don't want to frighten you."

Alniss looked up at her, eyes widening in surprise. "You might not want to do it?" she asked hopefully.

Ah. Carla quickly realised she'd have to backtrack: emphasising her own doubts too strongly would only give Alniss false hope, lead her to persuade Carla not to try after all. "No, I want to. I'm just... scared, that's all."

"Jasmine and I are involved," Akhir interrupted, before Alniss mustered a reply. "I don't know if that helps at all, but I'm sure Jaz would be happy to chat to you about how it's been for her."

 _What?_ Carla wondered. She wondered whether Akhir had been part of the peace movement too: surely she wouldn't have been allowed to join the group otherwise. Unless she just worked with Illim, maybe, but surely the involuntaries wouldn't tolerate an Empire Yeerk joining them. "They let Yeerks join?"

Akhir smiled. "Apparently so."

"Are you..." Carla trailed off, thinking better of it. If Akhir was in the movement and hadn't told Alniss, she might not feel too comfortable if Carla forced her to admit it. She'd just have to try and quietly check with Jasmine later. Although, if Jasmine had been a peace movement host she might not want to speak to Carla, she might be like Sara... the thought made Carla's stomach twist with anxiety.

"I never joined the peace movement, if that's what you're asking," Akhir said with a smile, saving Carla from a very anxious evening. "Shall we keep walking?"

"Sorry," Carla murmured, immediately continuing her walk up the darkened road. Alniss and Akhir fell into step beside her.

"Don't apologise. It's my own fault for not bringing a jacket."

They walked along in silence for the few minutes it took to get back to the apartment block. Carla could sense Alniss' tension, even in the darkness, and reached to take her hand. Alniss jumped a little as she did so, as though surprised, but soon squeezed Carla's hand back.

"Thank you, Alniss," Carla murmured. She wasn't sure what had prompted Alniss' abrupt change of heart, though she had a suspicion Akhir might have had something to do with it. But whatever had caused it, Carla felt like a block between them had been lifted, even though the relief was short-lived, masked by the realisation that she now had no excuse for not communicating with the involuntaries, even if she didn't meet them.

"You don't need to say that," Alniss replied, as she usually did whenever Carla expressed gratitude. "I'm sorry if I've..."

"You don't need to say that," Carla echoed softly, giving the Yeerk's hand an extra squeeze. "We'll talk about it. I'm nervous about it, too – we can work together, can't we, to make sure it's safe?"

There was a second's silence. "Yes," Alniss said slowly, sounding surprised. "Yes, I... I would like that."

A couple of minutes later, they arrived at the apartment. Carla was glad of the warmth as they stepped inside the door, and she soon added her coat to the pile crammed onto the few hooks in the hallway.

"I'll warm you some dinner up," Alniss said. "If... if you want me to," she added, with an uncertain glance at Akhir.

"Of course," Carla replied, puzzled. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh. Good. I will, then."

Carla followed Alniss through to the living room, Akhir trailing slightly behind. Carla felt a little more justified about her earlier confusion when she saw Jasmine, chatting away to Kalran: she really could have been Akhir's sister. As they entered the room, Jasmine turned towards them, smiling shyly at Carla. She glanced quickly at Akhir before looking back, her smile a little more confident.

"Hi," Jasmine said quietly. "It's nice to see you again."

"Hey. You, too." Carla walked across to a sofa and sat down, crossing her arms across her body as she did so. It had been just her and the Yeerks for so long that the presence of another human made her nervous... and it wasn't helped by the knowledge that Jasmine might have had some awareness of her pre-infestation, when she'd first come along to the Sharing. That would not have made a good impression. Carla'd been in quite a state when she first joined the Sharing, and she couldn't really remember whether she'd met Jasmine then or not. Carla had learnt not to worry about the Yeerks who'd seen her like that, but humans were a different story.

Jasmine glanced away from her, looking briefly behind her at Akhir before returning her eyes to Carla. "How are you?" she asked, her voice a little louder than it had been.

As she did so, Akhir crossed the room and sank onto the sofa beside Jasmine, who let her body rest against her Yeerk's with unhesitating ease. Carla felt a pang of loss at the sight, imagining what it might feel like to have Silrin beside her like that.

"I'm fine," she managed, hoping her slightly choked voice wasn't noticeable. "You?"

"I'm very well," Jasmine said. Her face showed a hint of concern for a moment: maybe she'd heard something of Carla's emotions in her voice, but the expression was short-lived.

"Where is it that you're working?" Akhir chipped in. "I don't think I ever asked you."

"Domino's," Carla responded. "Nothing exciting."

Akhir smiled amusedly, which puzzled Carla.

"Sorry," she said quickly, in response to Carla's frown. "It's just that dinner tonight might not quite be what you're hoping for."

As if on cue, Alniss appeared with a plate piled with pizza and salad. "Sorry," she echoed as she placed it in front of Carla. "You must be fed up of looking at this by now."

"Your pizza's way better than the stuff at work." Carla picked up a slice, piled with vegetables, mushrooms and cheese. "Besides, it's not like they let us eat any of it."

"It's Kalran's, not mine," Alniss corrected.

"Just as good," Carla said, with a smile at Kalran, before taking a bite. She took a moment to enjoy the explosion of flavours on her tongue: Kal never cooked bland food, and today's pizza was no exception. "Thanks," she murmured, once she'd finished chewing. "You guys have a good evening?"

She directed her question at Kalran, who seemed relatively relaxed compared to how she sometimes was these days.

"Yes," Kalran replied. "Did you? How was work?"

Carla shrugged. "It was work. It was okay."

Shovelling some salad onto her fork, Carla fell silent, letting the others' conversations drift around her as she ate. She didn't feel much like talking, despite the presence of their guests. In fact, their visit was bittersweet. It was interesting to have new company, more people to interact with than the five Yeerks that now felt more like family than friends.

But Carla couldn't help noticing a thousand little things that felt like sharp glass in her heart. The way Jasmine's eyes flickered back to Akhir every few minutes, no matter who else was talking; how Akhir let her head rest gently against Jasmine's hair as she listened to Hallim talk about her work; the little smiles between them at some private joke. It brought back Silrin's loss with an intensity Carla hadn't experienced for years now, and she was secretly glad when the two stood, almost at the same second, and announced they had to get back.

"I hope I'll see you again soon," Jasmine said to her, smiling hopefully. "It's a shame we didn't get a proper chance to catch up. Can I give you my number?"

"Yeah, sure." It'd be too rude to say no, and besides it would give Carla a chance to call her, check what her experience of the campaign for voluntary infestation had been.

"Great." Jasmine's smile broadened, and she glanced at Akhir, as if to share her pleasure. "You'll have to visit us next time," she added as she took out a small pink notepad and pen from her bag and wrote her number down. "All of you, if you'd like." She glanced around at the Yeerks, who smiled back at her.

"We'd like that," Alniss replied. She nudged Carla's side. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah," Carla murmured, trying to strike a balance between being polite and non-committal. Hoping to shift the subject slightly, she continued: "Akhir told me you're helping with the campaign for those Yeerks who're trapped in the Pool. Can we talk about that sometime?"

There was a clatter as Kalran dropped the mug she was carrying into the kitchen area of the apartment. Luckily, it was empty, as it rattled along the floor for several seconds before coming to a halt. Kalran herself stared at Carla in shock for a few moments, before her eyes shifted anxiously to Alniss. "I... I promise I didn't bring them here for this," she said quickly. "I didn't know they were going to bring it up."

"I didn't bring it up, exactly," Akhir said slowly. "It came up. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have mentioned it."

Carla looked across at Kalran, worry beginning to build. Kalran's eyes were still fixed on Alniss, and she was beginning to fiddle anxiously with a ring on her finger, biting her lip as she did so. In short, she was clearly scared.

"It's fine," Alniss said eventually. "Carla and I have discussed... well, I'm... I'm not going to stand in the way of her helping. Though I still don't think it's a good idea."

"What?" Kalran sounded shocked, disbelieving. "You... you've changed your mind?"

"Not entirely. Like I've said, I won't stand in Carla's way, but I still don't..."

"I'll be okay, Alniss," Carla said softly, hoping to reassure her. She turned her attention to Jasmine, who was looking puzzledly between the three of them."Can we have a chat about it sometime?"

"Oh... yes... yes, of course." Jasmine smiled at her. "I was nervous too, at first. I haven't done much yet, but what I have hasn't been so bad. And Akhir says it's safe, so..."

"I said Elsa was probably safe," Akhir corrected. "Not necessarily everything about the campaign, but I'm sure you're able to judge that for yourselves, both of you."

Carla turned her eyes to Akhir. Now things were beginning to make a little more sense: perhaps Akhir's sense of safety had translated to Alniss. Akhir certainly looked calm, her body relaxed and open where she stood close to Jasmine's side. Their closeness set off another pang in Carla's chest, and she quickly looked away as the two said their goodbyes to the others. Relief washed over her as the apartment door shut behind them. As her body relaxed, Carla noticed just how tired she was: she'd been exhausted on the bus earlier that evening, but the events that had happened since had been so unexpected that her tiredness had disappeared, only to come back in full force now.

A few minutes later, Carla was standing in her darkened bedroom, lit only by the soft orange-tinted glow of the lamp that sat on a small table halfway between her and Alniss' bed. The room was small enough that it functioned as a bedside table for both of them, although she had to reach up a little to take anything off it when she was in bed, as it was taller than ideal. Most of the apartment's furniture was secondhand, a mish-mash of things bought at charity shops and jumble sales over the years. But that fitted, somehow, considering how the Yeerks filled every available surface with pictures and mirrors with little regard to colour schemes.

There was a slight creak as the door opened. Carla looked around to see Alniss stepping through the open doorway, at first on tiptoes and then a little more heavily once she saw Carla.

"I thought you'd be asleep," Alniss said quietly. "You seemed tired."

Carla smiled at her, feeling a flicker of warmth at her friend's consideration. "I am. I'm going to bed soon." She hesitated: it was late to have a serious discussion, but she wanted to say something about Alniss' change of heart. She imagined it hadn't been easy... and, if she had to admit it, she was still curious about what had caused it.

"Thank you, Alniss," she said softly. "For letting me make my own decision. I know you're afraid."

"Yes," Alniss admitted. "Yes, although less so than I was. If Akhir isn't worried about Jasmine..."

Involuntarily, Carla's face twisted with pain before she was able to control it. She hoped the darkness of the room might be enough to conceal it, but it soon became clear it wasn't.

"Are you alright?" Alniss asked, crossing the room to her.

Carla nodded. "Yeah. Yeah. It's just... it isn't easy, to see them together."

Alniss looked down at the floor, saying nothing for a few moments. "I'm sorry," she ventured eventually. "I'm not much good, I'm afraid."

Puzzled, Carla frowned. "What do you mean? It's not your fault. How could it be your fault?"

"Well, I... I don't... it doesn't matter," Alniss replied hesitantly. She reached across slowly to touch Carla's shoulder.

Deciding the offer of comfort was too much to pass up, even to press Alniss for what she meant. Carla leant into the hug, burying her head against Alniss' shoulder. Despite the raw feeling of grief lurking just below her breastbone, she smiled slightly. Alniss smelt of yet another new perfume: the Yeerk could never settle for just one, too enamoured by all the different scents to make a decision, and it seemed to change almost daily. Alniss traced slow, twirling patterns on her back, and Carla soon began to feel better.

"Thanks," she murmured, as she withdrew from the embrace. "I needed that."

Alniss nodded, looking relieved. "Good. You would tell me, wouldn't you, if you didn't?"

Carla smiled. "I can't imagine I ever won't want a hug from you, but yeah. Of course." She paused for a second. "And I'll tell you what goes on, with the campaign. I don't want you to be worrying about it. And if you want to come to anything with me..."

"Yes," Alniss said quickly, before Carla had finished speaking. "Yes... that would help."


	28. Chapter 28

It was a grey, rainy day as Sara got off the bus. She was hoping she wouldn't have to wait too long, but the hope wasn't huge. Kalran was often late these days, even to meet her, which was uncharacteristic. At least she usually showed up eventually now: there'd been occasions, a couple of months ago, where she'd missed out on their meet-ups entirely. And she did seem to be doing a little better the last few weeks.

Given her expectation that Kalran might be late, Sara almost didn't notice at first as she entered the mall that Kalran had got there first and was waiting for her. It was a Saturday morning, and busy, easy to miss one person. But something made Sara turn as she walked in, and she saw her stood close to the white-tiled wall by the entrance.

Sara smiled. Turning to make a bee-line for her Yeerk, she said: "Hey, sweetie."

Kalran smiled back, an encouraging sign. "Hey." Pushing herself off from the wall she was leaning on, she offered Sara a hug, which Sara eagerly took. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you?" Sara let her inflection show that this was more than just a polite enquiry.

"Better."

Sara hoped Kalran was telling the truth: the one disadvantage of having her Yeerk outside her head was how hard it could be to read her emotions sometimes. "That's good. You want to get coffee first, or start on the shopping?"

"You decide. You probably have more presents to get than me."

"I don't know about that. At least not if you insist on getting every single one of those snails you live with something again, like you did last year."

Kalran sighed. "They're really not that bad. They're all fine with me now, anyway."

Sara shrugged, turning to walk further into the mall. "Let's get a few presents first, then," she decided, opting not to pursue the subject further. She was too worried about Kal to push her.

About half an hour later, the two stood in a jewlry store, Sara trying to pick out some earrings for her brother's wife, while Kalran wandered around the store, seemingly aimlessly. Sara looked critically at a pair of silver studs in a display cabinet.

"You want me to get them out for you?" The attendant bustled over, clearly noticing Sara's interest.

Sara nodded, pointing out a few pairs she wanted to look at. Seen more closely, the silver ones weren't quite the right style, and she turned her attention to another pair: delicate heart outlines, rose-gold in colour.

"What d'you think of these, Kal? For Helena?" There was no answer. "Kal?" Sara turned, glancing around the store. Kalran had stopped, stooped over a display case and seemingly fascinated by its contents.

Sara sighed. She'd just have to make her own decision, then. "I'll take these. Thanks."

Once she'd paid for the earrings and they were safely stowed in her purse, Sara was not entirely surprised to find Kalran still staring at the same case. Occasionally something would catch her Yeerk's eye, even now, that fascinated her, in a way it simply wouldn't do for a human. It wasn't always something as obvious as jewlerry: once, famously, it had been a full bin liner that had, in Kalran's words, 'caught the light beautifully'. Sara had never let Kal live that one down.

"What is it this time?" she muttered, once she was close enough not to risk being overheard. "Please at least tell me it's the bracelets themselves and not the price tickets or something."

Kalran smiled softly, acknowledging the joke. "It's this one," she said, pointing out a heavy silver one, patterned with twists and swirls but otherwise unadorned. "I was thinking it might make a good present."

Sara frowned. "Who for? Your sister?" Tilniss, one of Kalran's two close siblings, lived some distance away, but Sara couldn't think of anyone else who'd warrant a present like that. There was a possibility Kal might buy something like that for her, she'd gotten gifts for Sara that were far too much in the past, but Sara'd put her foot down after the first year Kal had morphed, and she'd been more careful since.

Kalran shook her head. "It doesn't matter," she said quickly.

Sara was now even more curious. "You're not dating again, are you? Or whatever you call it."

Kalran shook her head again, looking distressed. "No. Why?"

"Who else would you get something like that for? It's not exactly cheap."

Kalran shrugged again, beginning to walk away towards the door. "You don't want to know. It's a silly idea, anyway. You're right, it's too much, it wouldn't go down well."

Frowning, Sara followed Kalran out of the store. She was completely stumped as to what the Yeerk meant, but decided to leave it for now. Kal seemed more cheerful than she had done for a while, and Sara didn't want to risk that by talking about something she'd clearly rather keep quiet.

A few minutes later, the two were sitting in a coffee shop: Sara sipping at a green tea while Kal scooped her way through the thick layer of cream topping the caffeinated syrup that masqueraded as a gingerbread latte. Sara had enough of a sweet tooth, but Kalran seemed to have multiplied it by ten since getting her own body.

"So, what's new?" Sara asked, setting down her teacup.

Kalran shrugged. "Not much," she said, non-committally. "Or at least, not much that you'd want to hear about."

That stung a little: had Sara really seemed disinterested in her Yeerk's life? Nothing could be further from the truth: she'd been really worried about Kal, especially since she'd said she'd been having counselling, and had to hold back from asking about every little detail of Kalran's day, just to be sure she was okay. "What do you mean?" Sara asked, her voice coming out high-pitched, pained. "Of course I'd like to hear about it."

"Oh," Kalran replied quickly, looking guilty. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean I didn't think you were interested. You're a good friend to me, Sara."

A small smile appeared on Sara's face, and she relaxed slightly. "So are you," she said gently. "I'm still grateful for what you've done for me. Don't forget that, will you?"

"I don't think I did much, really," Kalran murmured. Her voice increasing in volume again, she added: "It's just that it's about people you'd probably rather not hear about."

Sara thought for a moment. "You've met up with Akhir?" She was quite pleased that she managed to say the name calmly, without her voice dripping with disgust. She still didn't like the Yeerk, but once she'd calmed down she'd reflected that more contact with other Yeerks who weren't hostile to her could only be a good thing for Kalran.

Kal nodded. "Yes. Several times."

She smiled slightly as she said it, and Sara felt the tiniest drop of her resentment towards Akhir ebb away.

"You have fun?" Sara asked, keen to keep Kal talking.

Kalran nodded. "You know, she isn't as much of an 'uppity, arrogant Empire Yeerk' as you had me believe," she said hesitantly, with a slight, wry smile.

"Sorry." Sara genuinely was sorry: while she still wasn't Akhir's biggest fan, she was pleased Kalran'd enjoyed the time with her, and felt a bit guilty for how she'd acted when she'd met the Yeerk. Not for Akhir's sake, really, but she should have held her emotions in check better for Elsa... it must have been really hard for her.

"Was she... Empire-y... when she met you?"

Despite the prickle of guilt in her heart, Sara laughed. "Empire-y? Is that a word now?"

Kalran grinned. "Couldn't think of a better description." Becoming more serious, she added: "Was she? Arrogant, or... because I'm struggling to imagine her being like that."

Sara shrugged. "She thought buying a coffee was enough of an apology. For me _and_ Elsa."

"Ah," Kalran said, sounding discomforted. "I'm sorry."

Sara shook her head, sighing. "Kal, how many times, what your people choose to do isn't your fault." She sighed. "She wasn't too bad otherwise, all things considered, but I still can't forgive her. I know she never did anything to me, but..."

"Sometimes it's harder to forgive people for what they've done to others than what they've done to you," Kalran murmured slowly. "I can understand how you feel."

Sara nodded, feeling the knot of guilt that had grown in her since she'd met Akhir dissolve a little. Kal had always had that effect on her. Even before she'd joined the movement, there'd been a tiny hint of it, and afterwards, once their relationship was no longer hostile, it had been much stronger. Kalran had seen every one of Sara's secrets, of course, heard every ungenerous thought, but she'd always understood them, without judgement, and that had helped Sara forgive herself.

"I'm glad she's been kind to you, anyway. And I guess she's helping Oglud, too, in her own way."

"You don't even know the half of it," Kalran said, surprising Sara. "She... I don't know what she did, but she came to dinner the other day, and... well, she's managed to change Alniss' mind."

Sara immediately let out a snort of derision: she couldn't help it. "About what? About it not being okay to call you a traitor, or has she decided to let the voluntary help us?"

"She hasn't called me a traitor in years. Although she has been kinder to me recently. And not only has she told Carla it's okay to help, she asked me the other day if I'd mind her supporting the campaign too. To the extent that you and Elsa and the others would let her be involved, of course, she realises you might not wish to, but it's very good of her to try and help at all."

"Either that or it's just a way of keeping a closer eye on her lapdog," Sara said cynically.

"Don't." Kalran's voice was as cold as ice, a tone Sara had never heard from her, and certainly not directed at Sara herself.

The anger was gone as quickly as it came, however, as only a few seconds later Kalran added: "Please. I'm sorry, I shouldn't snap at you, but... would it be asking too much of you to call Carla by her name, at least in front of me? And at the very least don't call her that."

A hint of the iciness returned in that last sentence. It was so unusual from Kalran that Sara didn't even think of arguing back. "I'm sorry," she said, after a moment. "You're right, that... I shouldn't call another human being that, even if..."

Kal nodded, giving her a soft smile. "Thank you, Sara. It's not like you, to say something like that."

Sara looked down, taking a sip of her drink. She felt a little ashamed, which was silly, really: Carla hardly deserved that emotion, not when she'd chosen to walk past people like Sara and just let them be enslaved. Despite that, Sara couldn't help but feel she'd gone too far.

"You know, Carla's really helped me," Kalran said slowly, hesitantly, her eyes searching Sara's face as though ready to stop at the slightest hint of anger. "When I've... I've not been well, she..."

Sara raised her eyes to meet Kal's with mixed emotions. She hated seeing Kalran so down, so miserable, and so she was overjoyed to hear Kal had received any help, no matter how little or where it came from. But a part of her was also wary, even irritated, that that help had come from a voluntary. "You know you can always come to me, don't you?" Sara asked earnestly.

"Of course I do. And you've helped me, too, it's just... well, Carla lives in the same house, so sometimes it just happens that way. And she's a wonderful listener."

"What, and I'm not?" Sara questioned, though she hardly needed to. She knew listening wasn't her strongest point, she always wanted to leap in and solve the problem, and besides, other people's feelings made her uncomfortable.

"That's not what I'm saying," Kalran sighed.

"I note you haven't contradicted me," Sara said with a slight smile. "It's OK, I know I'm no good at that."

"I wouldn't say 'no good'," Kalran said softly. "It's maybe not what you're best at."

There was a short silence. Sara took the opportunity to think, as well as take a sip of the now almost-cold coffee that she'd somehow remembered was still there. Putting aside her hurt that Kal hadn't wanted to come to her, and the anger at voluntaries that still burned inside her, she had to admit she was happy there was someone Kalran felt she could talk to.

"I'm glad she helped," Sara admitted eventually. "Even though I don't like her."

Kalran looked a little surprised, but then nodded slowly. "Thanks."

As the two of them left the coffee shop a short while later, Sara asked: "so, with all these people joining the campaign... I don't suppose you're about to change your mind, too? 'Cos we're having a meeting later today, if you want to come?"

Kalran shook her head hesitantly. "I... I still don't think I can."

Sara sighed. "If you'd just try..."

"Sara, no. I'm sorry, I'm just not ready yet."

Later that day, Sara sat beside Kelly in the car, looking out across rain-soaked fields to the mountains beyond. They were heading out of town to Elsa's place... well, her parents' place, really. Sara'd been only once before: it wasn't too far out of town, as far as she remembered, but it was far enough to feel rural, a small ranch house surrounded by open land. Getting a bus certainly wasn't an option, not if you didn't want a three-mile walk at any rate, and Kelly had kindly offered to give her a lift.

"I've been meaning to say thanks," Kelly said suddenly, interrupting the silence that had descended on the two of them mid-drive. "For going with Elsa when she met that..." Kelly trailed off, her fingers tightening involuntarily around the steering wheel, pale against the dark plastic.

"When she met Akhir?" Sara finished for her. "No problem. I don't think I was that helpful, really."

Kelly shook her head. "No, you were. Elsa thinks she could have managed on her own, but even she admits it'd be a close-run thing. I don't think she could have done, personally." Kelly shuddered slightly. "I don't think I could."

Sara looked down at her hands, clutching at a fold of her skirt where they sat on her lap. "Oh, Kelly, I think all I did was make things worse."

There was a short silence. "How so?"

"I... well, I kept bringing it back to how angry I was with Akhir, I kept snapping at her, which wasn't really that helpful. Elsa kept having to rein me in."

"She deserves a good snapping at," Kelly said, with emphasis. "I wouldn't worry. Elsa won't speak her mind to her at the moment, but that's not because she doesn't want to. I wish I could say that was all in aid of the campaign, but I don't even think it's just that any more." Kelly sighed. "At least Akhir is among the more acceptable of pool guards, as they go, but I still can't believe Elsa's got the stomach to sit in the same room without punching her."

At Sara's continued silence, Kelly looked round, glancing away from the road for a split second. "Really, Sara, you've nothing to feel guilty about."

Ten minutes later, the two of them entered Elsa's surprisingly relatively tidy bedroom. It wasn't exactly neat, either: there were some suspiciously tall and haphazard stacks of books and papers on the desk which made Sara pretty sure they had been recently shoved into piles to make room for the coffee and homemade mince pies that now sat on a tray in the middle of the desk. The room was a sunny yellow, containing a bed, desk, closet and large bookshelf, which despite its size was still not quite big enough to fit all the volumes neatly. Books were stacked on top of the rows on the shelves and a few were placed on the spare bit of shelf space in front of the rows, facing outwards.

Elsa was flopped on the floor as they came in, her back resting against the wall, while the others perched on the bed, a couple of chairs and a beanbag.

"Hey guys. Grab a seat, if you can still find one. Oh, and get coffee, too. Maybe not in that order."

Kelly grinned, sitting on the bed for a couple of seconds before heading across to get coffee. "Never say I don't listen to you."

Once they were all seated with coffee, Elsa began. "So... well, I've got loads of news, actually, but does anyone else have anything they want to say first?"

"I said everything I wanted to on the phone." Kelly's voice was wary. "I know I said yes, but I don't trust that Yeerk as far as I could kick her. You _will_ be careful, won't you?"

Sara frowned. "Which Yeerk?"

"Sorry, Sara. I phoned everyone else to get their permission, but as you were there..." seeing Sara's continued puzzlement, Elsa added: "Akhir."

Kelly's face went sour at the name, her body tensing. Sara felt her own stomach tighten in sympathy.

"You know, Kal wouldn't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with," Sara said quickly, looking at Kelly. "She'd understand if... we'd all understand if..."

"Sure we would," Elsa cut in, looking searchingly at her friend. "You say the word anytime and I'll tell Akhir we don't want her help."

"Kalran and Oglud risked starvation for me." Kelly still looked upset, but her voice was firm. "I can cope with this for them. If I can avoid meeting the slimeball that would be preferable, but if you can manage to meet her, Elsa, then I will if I have to."

"I'm sure Kalran would agree with me that you don't owe us anything." Illim's expression was serious. "To have done anything other than what we did would have been deeply wrong. It wasn't a favour."

Kelly shook her head. "I know it wasn't, but it still took a lot of courage. It wasn't easy. I can do this."

Elsa nodded. "Thanks, Kelly. You can change your mind anytime. Speaking of... it turns out irritatingly helpful Yeerks are two for the price of one at the moment. Does anyone have objections to a Yeerk named Alniss seven-five-four?"

Sara rolled her eyes. "Plenty of objections, but not to her helping. As long as I'm allowed to be very sarcastic if I have to be in the same room with her."

Elsa grinned. "Sarcasm is actively encouraged. As are slug puns. And annoying songs."

Smiling back, Sara tried to match Elsa's light mood, hoping it would make the conversation easier for some of the others. "No can do. I address Kal mainly by slug puns, they're a form of affection for me."

"How sweet. How's she doing?"

Sara's smile grew wider. "A bit better."

"Oh?" Illim leaned forward. "That's good."

It didn't take too long for the rest of the group to agree to Alniss' involvement; after all, only Sara and Elsa had any kind of connection with her. Elsa soon moved on to other news, and Sara settled a little more comfortably into the cushion behind her. Elsa's bed was covered with so many cushions, soft animals and other paraphernalia that Sara was surprised she managed to fit onto it.

"So, apart from those two we've got a few other new helpers as well. Illim and Adam, I know you've done some recruiting, so I'll let you talk about them. We've got another voluntary now, too, so we're no longer just relying on Jasmine to represent people who might actually be willing to act as hosts. Alma, did you have something to raise about that?"

Alma nodded. "I've got an interview for them. It's only the local paper, but they've said they're interested in running an article on their perspective... I thought it might get us more publicity."

"It certainly would." Elsa took a sip of her coffee. "I called Jasmine after you spoke to me yesterday. She's not sure, it's kind of a scary thing for her I think, but she said she'd be willing to at least find out more about it. She did want it to be anonymous, though, she was very clear about that. She said she'd ask Carla, too- that's the new person who's joined us- and see what she thought. I don't know if Carla'll feel any more confident about it."

"You can give her my number," Alma said softly. "If she'd prefer to talk about it directly."

"Thanks." Elsa glanced hesitantly across at Sara, Kelly and Huan. "She might not want to, she's really shy. It took me about three weeks to get a response to 'hello'... but we can give it a shot. If not, I'm happy to act as messenger."

Sara exchanged a glance with Huan, who looked both troubled and irritated. He looked as though he might even comment, quiet as he usually was, but Elsa's next words drove all other thoughts out of Sara's head, and probably out of the others', too.

"Moving on, I've got some really great news," Elsa said, shifting a little so she sat up straighter. "We've got funding. Like, _serious_ funding."

"How?" Kelly asked, sounding as surprised as Sara felt. "I wouldn't have thought this would be a priority for charity donations. Not that the peace movement don't deserve it, but I don't think most of the world thinks that way."

"Illim? Adam? This is probably your announcement to make, really," Elsa responded, looking across to them.

Adam leant forward. "Do any of you remember... did any of you hear of, rather, a Yeerk named Aftran Nine-Four-Two?"

Sara certainly did. She was one of Kalran's heroes... Kalran went in for tragic stories of that kind. Poor Aftran... escaping from the Visser's clutches, likely only to die of Kandrona starvation a few days later, if she'd managed to survive the trip out of the Pool. "She's dead, isn't she?"

Illim looked suddenly miserable, and Sara immediately regretted saying anything.

"As far as we know," Adam said gently, giving Illim's arm a squeeze. "It's not her, it's her host. She had a human host that she set free when she joined the movement. Karen's family are very rich, well-connected... that helped her get away, I think they moved to some Italian mountain somewhere, but she's back now, and she's heard about the campaign. She got in touch with Cassie Williams, who got in touch with us. This is big for us: her father's a billionaire, and from what Karen said he fully supports the campaign, too. It'll be a massive change in funding."

"That's great!" Huan said, looking more animated.

"We'll need to set up a proper bank account and everything. Get ourselves registered... as a political lobby group, probably, we're not exactly a charity."

"Ooh, we could make badges," Elsa piped up. "Or T-shirts."

Kelly rolled her eyes. "Only you could hear 'donation from a billionaire' and then have your most ambitious marketing idea be badges. Besides, you'd probably get yourself beaten up for wearing them."

"Fine," Elsa responded, with a self-deprecating laugh. "I'll leave the marketing to Alma, and stick to making the snacks. That's more my level."

Illim smiled. "That and dealing with people. I can't imagine it was easy to gain those voluntaries'

trust, or their Yeerks'."

"I'm not sure I've done that," Elsa responded, though she smiled slightly at the praise. "I certainly haven't got Alniss' trust, and I'm pretty sure I haven't got Carla's either. I haven't spoken directly to either of them. I think it went something like: Carla told Alniss to tell Akhir to tell Jasmine to tell me that she can help but she's not meeting me in person."

Sara snorted. "They sound like kindergarteners."

"Not a hugely helpful way of thinking, but I do see your point," Elsa acknowledged. "They sound _way_ too reliant on communicating through Yeerks, too, but I'm trying not to let on to Jasmine how much that weirds me out."

"You're not the only one," Kelly muttered. "Can we please just stop talking about them?"

"Sorry," Elsa said, quickly changing the subject. "Karen, on the other hand, is perfectly happy to come meet with us, right? She might know more about setting up all the finance stuff, and I'm sure she'll have some other ideas."

"I know a bit about that," Huan interjected. "But it'd be good to have some new ideas."

Illim nodded. "She's on vacation right now, but she'll be back in a couple weeks. I'll invite her along then."


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay since the last chapter, life is quite busy at the moment. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

The newspaper office was on the second level of a narrow building, on a side street close to the centre of town. Ascending the steep stairs from street level, Carla entered a small lobby, Jasmine not far behind her. A busy-looking receptionist was tapping away at a keyboard behind a curved desk, and a row of chairs were arranged along the opposite wall, with an adjoining window that looked down into the street.

Carla glanced sideways at Jasmine, who was hesitating, looking anxiously across at the desk. Sighing internally, Carla began to cross the room: she could already tell she was going to have to do most of the talking today, a task she wasn't best pleased about. Approaching the receptionist, who was still typing even though she must have heard them approach, Carla interrupted her with a bold 'hi', and gave their names.

"We've got an interview, with Ms Adams," Carla finished, noting that the other woman still hadn't so much as hinted at a smile.

"I'll call her," the woman said shortly. "Wait over there," she added after a moment, gesturing to the chairs.

"Thank you so much," Jasmine murmured quietly.

"Thanks," Carla muttered, more reluctant than Jasmine. The woman's tone had been pretty rude. Carla was sure she'd never greeted a customer like that, even on her worst days.

A few seconds later, the two of them were sitting awkwardly at the side of the room, waiting. Carla crossed her arms across her chest defensively, looking ahead with a deadpan expression on her face. Beside her, Jasmine shifted from one position to another, fiddling with a bracelet on her wrist, seemingly unable to sit still.

"I'm so nervous," Jasmine admitted eventually. "I've never done anything like this before."

Carla tried not to let her impatience show. "Neither have I. Not exactly a common thing to do, is it: tell the world you want to take a Yeerk on, and let on you were a voluntary, to boot. People don't react well."

The bracelet on Jasmine's arm turned a little faster. "Elsa said it would be anonymous," she said haltingly, the pitch of her voice rising.

"It'd better be," Carla muttered darkly. She still wasn't sure she could trust Elsa. Jasmine, on the other hand, seemed to like, even admire her, something that made Carla very uncomfortable.

Jasmine fell silent for a few minutes, Carla watching the clock tick round towards their appointed time as her stomach churned with nerves.

Eventually, the secretary called over to them, without even looking in their direction. "You can go in now." She gestured to the door behind her. "First door on the left."

Jasmine jumped to her feet immediately. "Thank you," she said again, looking back towards Carla, who rose more slowly. The receptionist's attitude didn't give her much confidence in how this meeting was likely to go down, and she was reluctant to hurry to it.

They were left to make their own way through the door next to the receptionist's desk and into the narrow hallway beyond. Jasmine hesitated when she reached the door to the office, glancing back again towards Carla.

"I'll knock, then," Carla muttered impatiently, ignoring the hurt look on Jasmine's face. She knew she'd feel guilty later, but there just wasn't time for it now.

It seemed as though the rap Carla's fist made on the door was unnaturally loud, though that was probably just her own imagination.

"Come in." The voice was young, and neutral in tone, giving them no further idea what to expect.

Carla turned the handle, and stepped into the reporter's office, Jasmine following close behind. Ms Adams sat behind a small desk, two straight-backed chairs arranged in front of it, facing it directly. Still tapping away at the keyboard in front of her, Ms Adams gestured at the chairs, and the two of them crossed the room, sitting where she had indicated.

After a few more moments of typing, the woman behind the desk turned to face them. Her features were sharp, her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail behind her head. The smile she gave them was fleeting and false as she reached for the voice recorder on her desk and turned it on. She read the date and their names into it, along with a couple of identifying numbers, then set it down between them and looked at the two of them.

"You don't mind if I record the interview?" she asked briskly.

Carla shrugged, and Jasmine shook her head.

"So," she began, her expression still a blank, "you want Yeerks to be permitted to infest people?"

Jasmine nodded.

"Yeah," Carla crossed her arms across her chest. "Not all of them are able to morph, and some of them don't want to. It's not a great solution, really: it means some of them are trapped in the Pool, and they can't talk to their family, their friends, even their..." Carla trailed off for a moment, unsure how to translate 'mates' in a way that didn't sound like she was talking about some animal on a nature show. "Their loved ones."

"You think infestation would be a better solution? Even after a war fought to prevent exactly that?"

Carla hesitated. She clearly had to word her response carefully: if she'd been in any doubt that the reporter had an agenda, she was sure by now. Half of her wanted just to get up and walk out of the room now, but she hadn't come all this way just to quit. Beside her, Jasmine was shifting restlessly about on her chair, pulling at her necklace in a way that made an irritating clicking sound, which didn't help her concentration.

"I don't think the war was about preventing infestation," Carla began slowly. "It was stopping _unwilling_ infestation. Our campaign is for Yeerks to be allowed to take only willing hosts. Obviously."

"And you were willing hosts yourselves during the war, weren't you?" The reporter tapped a few lines into her computer as she spoke, her tone cold and disapproving.

Carla hesitated, glancing towards the door, then across at Jasmine. Jasmine's eyes made similar movements, both clearly thinking the same thing.

"You were, weren't you? That's the information I have," Ms Adams pressed. Returning her gaze to the reporter, Carla saw she was looking up from the computer screen, finally, her eyes boring into them aggressively.

Reluctantly, Carla nodded. Jasmine murmured a 'yes', her voice quiet as a breath of light wind.

Ms Adams nodded, looking satisfied. "Of course, in the war the Yeerks can hardly have been said to be interested in taking only willing hosts. How do you justify collaborating with them when they enslaved so many others?"

Carla froze. She heard Jasmine draw in her breath beside her, as though stung.

There was a long silence, broken only by the tapping of Ms Adams' keyboard. Carla didn't like that she was writing when they weren't even saying anything, who knew what she was putting down, but she didn't dare speak, either.

"I repeat, how do you justify yourselves?" she repeated, after a minute or so, pausing in her typing to look directly at them.

Carla couldn't answer. After a moment, Jasmine said softly: "Not all the Yeerks are the same."

"Your Yeerk was part of the so-called peace movement?"

Jasmine paused again. Carla felt Jasmine's eyes on her, as though expecting Carla to help her out of that particular bind, but Carla couldn't speak. She was struggling to keep flashes of memory at bay, and had no energy to spare for Jasmine.

"No," Jasmine murmured eventually. "I didn't mean that. I only meant... some of the Yeerks were very uncomfortable with what the Empire did, as well. They... joining the peace movement was very dangerous..."

At Ms Adam's continued cool stare, Jasmine's words faltered and died away.

"Uncomfortable or not, do you not agree that by supporting your Yeerks you were indirectly supporting the Empire and all it did?"

At her words, Carla's mind flashed back several years.

 _She was walking away from the pier, towards the voluntary area. The Hork-Bajir that flanked her was not particularly talkative, and despite herself, Carla found her eyes wandering over to the cages, as though drawn there by a force beyond her control._

 _As she watched, a girl who appeared strangely familiar was thrown harshly into a cage by an unpleasant-looking guard. Her body hit the stone floor with some force, surely bruising, and it was a second before she scrambled to her feet and darted for the door. By that time, of course, it had been thrown shut by the guard, clanging as the metal locked itself. The girl threw herself against the bars anyway, defiance written in every line of her features except her eyes, which held a deep, biting despair._

 _Suddenly, her brown eyes met Carla's across the cavern, narrowing with puzzlement then widening in recognition. The suspicion that had been growing in Carla's mind as she watched her was confirmed: those eyes had last been looking at her arrogantly, directed by the Yeerk who had reprimanded Silrin for showing distress as her host had been dragged, kicking and screaming, down the pier. Carla didn't have to search her mind to remember Elsa's name, and she flushed, realising the girl must now know she served the Empire willingly, if she hadn't known it before._

 _Before Carla could see what Elsa would do with their eye contact, however, the guard beside her took her arm, and she realised she'd stopped walking._

 _"Come," the Yeerk said softly, but with an insistent pressure against her arm that told her the order could not be resisted._

"Don't you agree?" Ms Adams insisted, more forcefully, snapping Carla out of the memory.

"No," Carla snapped.

"But surely by willingly serving your Yeerks, you-"

"I mean no, we're not doing this interview a second longer," Carla said forcefully, getting to her feet. "Come on, Jasmine, let's go."

"But... the campaign. They asked us to do this... shouldn't we stay?" Jasmine protested weakly.

"This woman isn't going to write a single positive thing about the campaign," Carla snapped. "Even if she eventually starts to ask us about it, instead of what we did in the war, she'll twist everything we say."

"That's quite an accusation," Ms Adams said, smiling calmly. "Is that perhaps your own guilt speaking?"

Carla scowled at her, resisting the temptation to swear. "I'm going, Jasmine. You can stay if you want, but nothing good'll come of it, I'm telling you now."

Jasmine hesitated, but only for a moment. "No... no, I'll come," she said quickly, seeming afraid of staying on her own. She looked at Ms Adams apologetically. "Thank you for your time."

Ms Adams merely nodded.

* * *

Once they were back out on the sunny street, Jasmine reached into her bag, taking out a small, old-fashioned cell phone.

"Shall I call Akhir to pick us up?" Jasmine asked hesitantly.

Carla nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Jasmine hadn't been much help in there, and she was really beginning to annoy her. Carla was tempted to walk away right there, but Akhir, who had recently gotten her driver's licence, had agreed to take them there and back. A bus would take at least half an hour longer and run the risk of bumping into someone who recognised her, so Carla opted to put up with the irritation a bit longer and wait for the lift.

" _Tamli,"_ Jasmine murmured affectionately, her cell phone now to her ear. "We're done now... I know it's earlier than we thought, but can you pick us up?"

There was a short silence, presumably as Akhir replied.

"No, no, we're fine, don't worry. It wasn't quite how we expected, but we're not hurt."

"Thank you," Jasmine murmured, again after a few moments had passed. "Yes, we'll wait there. See you soon." She smiled then, softly. "Love you too."

Carla felt sick at the sugary tone of Jasmine's voice. It was hardly Jasmine's fault, but listening to her and Akhir interact had not got any easier. The expressions of love were a particular pain: Silrin had never dared say anything like that under the Empire, although she must have known that Carla's feelings tended that way, and Carla wondered whether Silrin had felt that way for her, but never been brave enough to mention it. In the post-war world, perhaps...

Jasmine's voice cut off Carla's stream of thought. "We'd better walk round to the car park where they dropped us off," she said quietly. "They're going to come now."

Carla nodded, following as Jasmine set off down the sun-warmed tarmac of the sidewalk. After a few minutes walk, they reached a small car park, hiding itself behind a collection of small buildings and stores. Carla heaved her body up onto a small brick wall near the edge of the car park, letting her legs dangle as she waited, silently. Jasmine glanced at her once or twice, but seemed to decide not to start a conversation, or else be too shy to do so, as not a sound passed her lips either.

They weren't kept waiting long: the Yeerks couldn't have gone far away, not that Carla would have expected them to. Alniss had been so anxious that Carla had thought twice about going in for Alniss' sake as well as her own: she wished now she'd chosen not to, it had been anxiety for, she was sure, no gain. Akhir's tiny, ancient car pulled up close to them: it was a bit battered and scratched, but Akhir had apparently got it for a bargain price. Its age was less of an obstacle than it might have been: Geltrin, Akhir's friend, had been a Bug Fighter engineer in the war, and an old car like this was rather simpler to keep running.

Looking through the window, Carla could see Alniss in the back seat, and hastened to join her. The Yeerk turned a worried gaze on her, and reached out to touch her shoulder.

"Was it very bad?" Alniss asked concernedly.

Carla shrugged. "She had an agenda. I figured it was time we got out of there: she's not gonna say anything good about us or the campaign."

"But she was OK with you? She was kind to you?"

"She was pretty rude, and some of her questions were downright nasty. She clearly hates us," Carla replied. "But it's nothing I can't handle."

Akhir hadn't yet begun to drive away: instead, she was turned round in her seat, her eyes flicking between Jasmine, beside her in the front, and Carla. She smiled hesitantly at Carla. "I'm sorry," she said gently. "I wish things had gone better for you. You've both been very brave to go at all."

"We brought you some coffee," Alniss said softly. "And cake. We thought you deserved it."

Carla noticed Jasmine was already nibbling at a pastry. Alniss passed her a take-out cup and a slice of red velvet cake: it wasn't as moist as the one Alniss made, but it tasted lovely nevertheless. "Thanks." She smiled at Alniss, gratitude filling her as she took a sip of the cup: her favourite frothy cappuccino.

"It's what you want?" Alniss asked uncertainly. "I wasn't sure..."

Carla leant over, hugging her friend rather than responding in words. She stayed there for a few moments: Alniss' touch was calming, and she was more emotional than she'd realised.

After a few minutes, she pulled away and looked towards the front of the car, where Akhir and Jasmine were hugging too, Akhir running her fingers slowly through her host's long hair. The sight made Carla's misery and frustration come flooding back, and she snapped before she thought it through.

"Aren't you going to drive us home? I could have gotten the bus by now."

Jasmine jumped slightly. Akhir turned her head to look at Carla without releasing her host. "I'm sorry. You and Jasmine both seemed as though you needed a moment."

"I want to go home," Carla repeated, though with less force.

"Of course," Akhir said gently, slowly uncurling her arms from Jasmine. "Unless you want to talk things through? I can't drive and talk at the same time yet, not safely anyway."

Before Carla could tell her that she just wanted to get home, Jasmine piped up. "I... Akhir, I'm just worried about what I tell Elsa. We... we weren't supposed to walk out... she might be angry."

"I doubt that very much," Akhir said gently. "Or at least I doubt she'll be angry with either of you. The reporter who interviewed you, maybe."

"She should have set things up better, then, shouldn't she?" Alniss muttered venomously. "She should have checked they weren't going to-"

"Oh, I'm sure she did everything she could," Jasmine cut in. "She wouldn't have wanted it to go wrong for us. No, it's our fault."

"Speak for yourself," Carla muttered, unable to help herself any longer. The mention of Elsa was threatening to bring back the memory that had haunted her in the interview, and she was willing to do just about anything to shut Jasmine up and get home. "You're very talkative all of a sudden. Might have helped if you'd actually said something in there instead of leaving me to do everything."

Alniss jumped a little. "Carla!" she exclaimed.

Jasmine flushed, looking down at her lap and instantly quiet. For a few moments, Carla almost felt guilty, until she saw Akhir's hand quietly snake onto Jasmine's shoulder, and the jealousy she felt eclipsed her better emotions.

"I think you're probably both right. They could have set things up better, though if my memory serves me correctly it was Alma who set up this interview, not Elsa. And maybe the journalist herself is at fault? Maybe even both of you might have been able to do things better, with the benefit of hindsight." Akhir said softly.

Jasmine nodded silently.

"I don't see what we could have done," Carla muttered. "I told you, the woman had an agenda."

"I'm sure she did," Akhir continued gently. "That will have been rather difficult for both of you, I imagine, and I think you both cope with that very differently. Neither way is better than the other. But," at this, her voice became harder again, and she turned round in her seat to fix Carla with a glare, "if you use that tone towards Jasmine again you are not welcome in my car. Understood?"

Carla nodded shortly, not trusting herself to speak. After a few seconds, Akhir started the car and they drove away in silence.


	30. Chapter 30

Hurriedly, Elsa scrabbled for her cell phone, sifting through the piles of papers that had accumulated on her desk during a morning of essay writing. After some searching, she found it buried under a pile of papers and a plate with a few toast crumbs remaining on it, sandwiched halfway through a library book from college.

Looking at it, Elsa was happily surprised to see it was Jasmine calling her: despite their many months' knowing each other, Jasmine had never just called Elsa out of the blue before. Elsa'd rung her at random a few times, and after lengthy arrangements by text Jasmine had called her once or twice, but she'd never been the one to initiate it.

Smiling, Elsa answered. "Hey, Jasmine!" she said enthusiastically. "It's so great to hear from you. How are you?"

There was a short silence. Then, in a very tiny voice, Jasmine said: "I'm sorry."

Elsa frowned, suddenly at a loss. "What? What for?"

There was a longer silence. When Elsa realised Jasmine was unlikely to say anything else without help, she began to search her mind for anything Jasmine could possibly feel the need to apologise for. She came up short for a while, until suddenly she remembered about the interview that morning.

"I'm sure you don't need to say sorry, whatever it is," Elsa said carefully. "How was the interview today?"

After a moment, Jasmine said: "that's what I'm sorry about. The interview. I... it was all my fault, I..."

"No, it wasn't," Elsa heard a similar-sounding but much more confident voice say, in the background of the call.

After thinking for a second, Elsa asked: "Was that Akhir?"

"Yes," Jasmine murmured distractedly.

"She's probably right, you know," Elsa said slowly. "I really doubt it was all your fault."

"It was. I... we didn't finish the interview. I... I didn't really say anything, and Carla was doing all the work and... the reporter's questions were..." Jasmine trailed off for a few moments. "Anyway, Carla wanted to leave and I... I didn't want to stay on my own... I'm sorry."

It took a few moments to make sense of Jasmine's disjointed explanation. "That sounds like the reporter's fault, not yours," Elsa said eventually. "Anyway, you were really brave even to go in the first place. You really don't have anything to apologise for."

There was a long silence.

"Jasmine?" Elsa prompted eventually. "I promise it's okay. And I'm sorry, we should have maybe set it up differently. I could come with you, next time?"

"I... that's nice of you, but..." Jasmine trailed off, still sounding really upset.

Elsa began to feel at a loss: what else could she say to reassure her beyond what she'd already said? 'I'm sure you did great' had too much of a ring of falsity to it: Jasmine had been there, and if she felt it had gone this badly she'd never believe a meaningless platitude like that.

"I'm sorry, Elsa," Jasmine repeated again.

"You don't need to say sorry," Elsa repeated, straining to keep the impatience out of her voice. "I said that already."

Jasmine's answering whisper was so quiet, Elsa barely heard her. "I... it's not just about the interview."

"Oh?" Elsa couldn't think of what else to say: from the way Jasmine was speaking, she could tell whatever she was about to hear was important, and didn't dare try and guess at it in case she shut Jasmine down completely. Instead, she waited what seemed like several minutes before Jasmine continued.

"She... asked us about the war."

Elsa hesitated. She'd carefully avoided that subject in every conversation she'd had with Jasmine, managing to tackle arrangements about the campaign and even stories about Akhir without touching on it by a combination of careful wording and occasional random topic changes as a means of distraction. Jasmine, for her part, had seemed to avoid that subject too, even to the point of breaking off in the middle of sentences at times.

"Yeah?" Elsa eventually murmured, non-committally.

"She... she said..." Jasmine trailed off. "It doesn't... I just..."

The anxiety in her friend's voice made Elsa reconsider. "It's okay," she said slowly. "I don't mind you talking about it."

Yet another long silence followed.

"I... can... can we meet?" Jasmine asked eventually, taking her completely by surprise.

"Sure." Elsa felt a twinge of worry about her essay, but quickly pushed it aside. She'd started a whole week before the deadline this time, and she still had a few days. "When? Now?"

"Oh... no, I couldn't ask you just to drop everything," Jasmine said quietly.

"I've got time. I guess Maya's home now, though... you want me to come to you?"

There was a slight intake of breath from the other end of the line. After a second, Elsa realised her mistake: she still didn't know where Jasmine lived, and she imagined Jasmine was still reluctant to tell her her address.

"Can... can we meet somewhere else?" Jasmine murmured, confirming her suspicions. "Maybe another time, it doesn't have to be today."

Well, that would give her a chance to do her essay, though Elsa wasn't sure she'd be entirely able to concentrate. She was tingling with curiosity: Jasmine had never asked to meet her before, and the way she was speaking made it sound important, urgent, even. "Whenever works for you, Jaz," Elsa said softly, careful to ensure her curious impatience remained hidden.

"Tomorrow morning?" Jasmine asked hesitantly, after a few moments of murmured conversation with Akhir. "At the mall?"

"Suits me."

* * *

The next morning, Elsa sat at a corner table in the Starbucks at the mall, sipping at a bucket-sized mug of cappuccino and munching her way through a croissant. She kept glancing towards the door: being the first to arrive and having to wait for the other person was not something she was used to, and time seemed to be moving slowly and reluctantly, like treacle from a spoon. Elsa was not only on time, but actually early for once, and she watched the clock tick up to and past the appointed time with increasing restlessness.

Eventually, she saw Jasmine enter the cafe, looking round the room for her. Elsa waved cheerfully, smiling.

"Hey," Elsa said as Jasmine reached the table.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," Jasmine murmured.

She hesitated, shifting from foot to foot rather than sliding into the seat opposite Elsa. Elsa'd been careful to seat herself in the corner, leaving a chair for Jasmine nearer the door. She'd assumed a quick escape route would make the other woman more comfortable.

"Can I get you a coffee?" Elsa asked gently.

"I- I was going to get you one. I didn't expect..."

Elsa smiled. "You didn't expect me to be on time, huh? I know, I surprised myself today. Guess I've been looking forward to seeing you, and really really curious to find out what you wanted to talk to me about."

Jasmine took a deep breath, and slid suddenly into the chair opposite Elsa. Her body was taut, like a stretched elastic band waiting to be allowed to spring back and fly away. "I wanted to say I'm sorry," Jasmine said in a rush. Her dark eyes met Elsa's, but kept making little movements as if to glance down or away, brought back to make eye contact by sheer force of will.

Elsa was puzzled. "You already said that. It wasn't your fault."

Jasmine shook her head urgently. "Not the interview. The war. I... I'm sorry that I... I should never have stood by while they did that to you."

The shock hit Elsa suddenly and intensely, as though she'd dived into cold water. She'd gone through a lot of possibilities about what Jasmine wanted to say to her, but she'd never expected this. For a few moments she was frozen, staring at her friend, who had dropped her gaze as soon as she'd said it, fiddling with her hands. After a second, she glanced up again and began to stand.

"There," Jasmine said softly, but with an air of finality. "I've finally said it. I truly am sorry, for everything. I... I'll go now."

Through the fog of astonishment, Elsa managed to force out speech. "No, wait. Please."

It took another minute for Elsa to get her thoughts in order enough to speak, though it felt like longer. As the initial shock subsided slightly, Elsa became aware of what felt like a hundred other emotions: fear and pain at the reminder of the war; righteous anger at Jasmine for not intervening; but also sympathy, for her friend looked so distraught, so afraid... and admiration, that despite that Jasmine had been brave enough to apologise. As she felt that last emotion, Elsa felt her brain begin to kick in again, and she thought about what Jasmine had said. Was it really fair for her to blame herself? Elsa had reflected on this before, of course, but never had it been so urgent for her to get her thoughts in order. She couldn't leave Jasmine's apology just hanging in the air.

"It's okay," Elsa managed eventually. "Thanks for saying that. It was brave of you. But I... I don't think there's really much to say sorry for. There isn't much you could have done."

Jasmine's eyes were cast down into her lap, and her voice, when it came, was so tiny a whisper that Elsa had to lean forward to catch it. "I... I could have... fought." There was a dread and pain in her voice on the word 'fought' that stabbed at Elsa's heart.

"That wouldn't have freed me," Elsa said slowly. "It would've been nice to get to know you earlier, if they'd caged us together, but that's really all you could have done. And it would have hurt you to do that, I think."

There was a long silence. Jasmine had hung her head so far that her long hair swung forward, hiding most of her face from view. Without seeing her friend's expression, Elsa found it impossible to judge the effect of her words, and judged it better to stay silent. Instead, she reached for Jasmine's hand, resting on the tabletop, and touched it gently.

Jasmine jumped, as though Elsa's hand was scalding hot, and her eyes flew to meet Elsa's.

"It wouldn't have saved me," Elsa repeated. "Who knows? Your being a voluntary might even have helped the rest of us. If we'd all resisted, the peace movement would probably never have got off the ground – I imagine many Yeerks who joined them wouldn't have done so if they'd thought the only alternative to the Empire was returning to the Pool, never to take a host again."

Jasmine said nothing, staring at her as a tear tracked its way down her cheek. Elsa squeezed her hand: after the initial shock, Jasmine had let her hand settle back against Elsa's, her fingers curling around it.

"Were you happy, with Akhir?" Elsa asked in a whisper.

Jasmine hesitated. "It depends what you mean," she said slowly. "I... I wouldn't blame you if you don't believe this, but I wasn't happy about the Empire. I hated going to the Pool, I..." she trailed off, the tears coming faster now. "But with Akhir herself? Yes. Yes, happier than I had been for years before that. My whole life, even."

Elsa nodded, trying to keep her expression empathetic, not to let the horror that she felt show at the thought that total enslavement, not even able to breathe without the Yeerk's permission, would be the happiest period of Jasmine's life. What kind of life had she led before that, if that was how she felt?

"Akhir never wanted..." Jasmine trailed off.

Elsa waited a moment. "Never wanted?" she prompted after a while.

"She... I could feel her pain, when she... she never agreed with what the Empire did."

Elsa's body tensed, and she bit her lip. Jasmine was probably right; it was the same impression she herself had got of Akhir, and she knew how little snatches of emotion could leak from Yeerk to host, even though her own Yeerks had mostly tried to keep their connection quite closed. But it was hard, to forgive Akhir. "What did you like about it?" Elsa said eventually, hoping to steer the conversation away slightly, and maybe improve her opinion towards the Yeerk by hearing the litany of positive attributes she imagined Jasmine might list in response to that question. "Being infested."

The other woman hesitated. "I... goodness, I don't know where to start..."

For a second, Elsa wondered whether to tell Jasmine not to worry, that she didn't have to answer if she didn't want to, but she didn't seem particularly upset, just surprised by the question.

"At first... I suppose it was being safe, and knowing Maya was." Jasmine swallowed, looking uncomfortable, and quickly moved on. "After a while... I get on well with Akhir, I realised that quite quickly. She's kind, patient with me and all the questions I had back then, and she's funny, too. I found out so much, as well, about space, and about the Yeerks themselves. It was fascinating, to learn all that."

Elsa nodded.

"And then there was how she reacted to being in my body, having my senses. I could feel how much she enjoyed just looking at things I'd never noticed before. I hadn't realised how much beauty was around me. And I... I guess in those moments I felt useful, like I was making a difference for her, letting her experience that."

"Yeah. My Yeerks loved to stare at random things, too. Some of them were quite pretty, when you actually stopped to look."

Jasmine nodded. "Yes, that's what I mean." She paused again, looking as though she had more to say.

"What is it?" Elsa prodded after a moment, when no more was said.

"It's just... I suppose the biggest thing was that she... she saw everything. Everything I felt or thought, everything I'd ever done..."

Elsa hadn't, until now, realised it was possible for someone's voice to catch when they were whispering so quietly, but Jasmine's did. She herself had to hold back a shiver, for different reasons, She tried not to dwell on her own infestation, and what it had felt like to have a Yeerk see everything in her mind.

"... and she still liked me. She still thought..." Jasmine trailed off, looking surprised that she'd revealed so much.

"I reckon I'd still like you too, you know," Elsa said softly. "Not that I'm planning to infest you, or anything."

Jasmine shook her head, suddenly, looking upset. "You wouldn't. I'm..." she trailed off. "You wouldn't still like me."

Her voice was quiet, but full of a certainty that made Elsa blink back tears. "I'm sure I would." Elsa forced a soft smile. "Besides, liking you is the one and only thing I agree with a Yeerk on, which must be some kind of world record."

Jasmine gave her a strange look.

"Seriously. You tell Akhir I agree with her on something, see how she reacts," Elsa continued, her tone as light-hearted as she could make it, hoping to shift the conversation onto slightly safer ground. "I'd tell you to remind her immediately afterwards that she's a slimeball, simply to preserve my reputation, but I can't imagine you doing that, somehow."

Surprisingly, Jasmine laughed. It was the tiniest of sounds, quiet and brief, but it was laughter nevertheless, and Elsa beamed with joy at this tiny connection. "You might hate me for saying this," Jasmine murmured softly, "but you're more alike than you think."

"What? Me and Akhir?" Elsa struggled to keep her tone light, joking; she was conscious that, coming from Jasmine, that was quite a compliment.

Jasmine nodded. "You're both so..." Jasmine trailed off. "I can't describe it. And you have a similar sense of humour, in a way." Then she smiled. "And you both hate math."

It was Elsa's turn to laugh. "Well, I can't argue with that last one being true for me. Akhir too, huh? Wish I'd had her, all my Yeerks liked to harp on about how important it was for technology etcetera. I mean, I know it _is_ , but that doesn't mean I have to like simultaneous equations. Whatever they are." Elsa rolled her eyes. "I had one Yeerk who used to spend most of my Math lesson telling me I lacked the insight to understand its importance, the intelligence to learn it and the self-discipline to apply myself to it."

Jasmine looked shocked. "Your Yeerk said that? To you?"

Elsa shrugged. "I guess I'm not someone you see all of and still like, at least not if you're Tamhet. Luckily I didn't want her to like me, though. Now she was a _real_ slimeball."

"How could she say something so horrible?" Jasmine sounded genuinely horrified by Elsa's statement.

Frowning, Elsa puzzled over that for a few moments. She was surprised that a Yeerk talking like that was such a shock to Jasmine: as far as she was concerned, it was pretty much expected. Sure, Tamhet had been worse than most of her others... though not _the_ worst, she thought with a shudder. But almost all her Yeerks had spoken like that at one time or another, and from the stories of others in the cages she was sure it was pretty common. 'I guess you'd have to be pretty stupid to put a voluntary host off by insulting them, though,' she thought to herself eventually. Jasmine had probably only experienced compliments from Akhir, without a negative comment in sight.

Elsa shrugged, trying to look casual. "That was pretty normal, for my Yeerks."

Jasmine's expression changed to one of shame. "I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault. We've been through that." Hastening to change the subject, Elsa added: "Look, why don't you get that coffee? Then I could really do with your company shopping, to ensure I actually buy clothes and don't spend all my time getting books and CDs. We won't talk any more about the war, though I'm still up for any embarrassing stories you have about Akhir I can annoy her with."

"You want me to come shopping with you?" Jasmine looked half-hopeful, half-surprised.

"That's what I just said, isn't it?"

Jasmine nodded slowly, and a tiny smile crept onto her face. "Yes. I- I'd like that."

A short while later, Elsa rifled half-heartedly through a rack of jeans. She'd already lost hope that there would be any that fitted properly and looked good on her, and she'd only been shopping about half an hour. She was more interested in chatting with Jasmine: after the initial intensity of their meeting, and the short awkwardness after it, they'd settled into pleasant light chatter. They were currently comparing notes on a recent Disney film they'd seen: Jasmine to keep Maya happy, Elsa because she still had a mental age of about seven.

"I'm just still impressed I managed not to sing in the cinema."

Jasmine smiled slightly. "That wouldn't have gone down well."

"What're you saying about my singing?!" Elsa teased, mock-offended.

Jasmine hesitated for a moment, then laughed. "Are you planning to try any of those on?"

With a dramatic sigh, Elsa turned back to the jeans. "I've already given up," she muttered.

"Oh, there must be _some_ that fit you." Jasmine reached for a darker blue pair. "How about these?"

"I'll try them on, if I really have to," Elsa muttered. "As long as we can go to the bookshop after." She reached out to take the jeans from Jasmine, and began to turn towards the changing room. She debated joking about having issues with the Gap changing rooms, but decided against it. Reference to the Yeerk Pool would only return the tension that had now almost dissipated.

"You know, shopping with you is a very different experience than shopping with Maya," Jasmine said reflectively. "She wants to try on half the store, including every pink thing there. And anything with sequins."

"You could get Akhir to take her shopping," Elsa pointed out, careful to keep her voice low.

Jasmine smiled amusedly. "No way. Yeerks have two problems when it comes to taking a child shopping: a fascination with every single colour, even the horrible ones, along with anything sparkly, and a complete lack of boundaries which comes from having no parenting instincts of their own. If I leave Maya and Akhir alone for more than five minutes in a store Maya always convinces Akhir to buy her something."

Elsa laughed. "Good for Maya."

There was a short silence as they joined the queue for the changing rooms. Being a Saturday morning, it was pretty busy. Elsa noted most of the people were holding a lot more clothes than the couple of pairs of jeans she'd managed to collect; it probably wasn't very efficient to queue for ages only to probably have to do so again in a month or so when she needed a top, but she could only manage to shop for one kind of clothing at a time.

After some time queueing, they made it to the changing rooms. Elsa suppressed a shudder as she stepped into the enclosed cubicle and bolted herself in: it wasn't even the right store, but it still brought back way too many memories. Breathing as steadily as she could, she managed to get through trying on the jeans, even managing to make the choice to buy one pair.

Jasmine also got herself a pretty teal-blue top, with silver-coloured stitching scattered with sequins, much to Elsa's surprise.

"I'd have thought you'd have had enough of sequins," Elsa commented as they made their way out of the store.

"Oh, it's not for me, it's for Akhir. She loves this colour."

"You mean she has colours she _doesn't_ love?"

Jasmine hesitated, then laughed again, with more confidence this time. "Not really."

"You tried it on though, right? Don't tell me you're the same size."

"If I hadn't been in the same room when she acquired them, I wouldn't believe she'd used anyone else's DNA at all." Jasmine smiled. "I'd take it as a compliment, but it was probably partly that I was the easiest one to picture. She didn't know the others, and the descriptions went something like: 'male, tall, Asian, brown hair, brown eyes'. Not much to go on, really."

They'd left the store by now, walking down the hallway towards the bookstore, a far more pleasant destination.

"Especially for the ones who'd never had hosts before," Elsa replied, nodding in agreement.

For a few moments, she wondered idly how you could picture brown if you'd never seen it, never seen any colour. Elsa was just beginning to decide that this was getting dangerously close to philosophy (she had little tolerance for most philosophy, as experience had taught her it mainly made her brain hurt) when she was interrupted. She had been too busy reflecting to notice that two women walking the opposite way had stopped, and were staring at them. Jasmine soon halted too, which managed to draw Elsa's attention back down to Earth, in time to register the unpleasant looks in her direction.

The first woman she didn't recognise, but she had to stop herself from visibly jumping when she saw that the second one was Carla.

Momentarily taken aback, Elsa simply stared for a few seconds, then managed to push a smile onto her face. "Hi," she said to Carla, wondering idly whether this greeting would meet with any more success than the last time they'd bumped into each other.

Carla's eyes had slid away from her, however, and were staring at Jasmine. "Are you two here together?" Carla said, in a tone of slightly disdainful disbelief.

Elsa glanced sideways at Jasmine, who nodded shyly.

"We're shopping," she murmured, not meeting Carla's eyes.

"Jasmine, sweetie, I'm not sure that's safe," the woman standing next to Carla said patronisingly, stepping forward. "Come with us."

Jasmine looked at her hesitantly, and Elsa's eyes narrowed in sudden suspicion. She had a finely-tuned sixth sense for Yeerk arrogance, and she detected more than a hint of it in the other woman's tone.

"Who are you, exactly?" Elsa snapped, before Jasmine could answer. "And who do you think you are, to be telling Jasmine what to do?"

"It's okay." Jasmine's tone was diplomatic, and she looked pleadingly at Elsa before returning her gaze to the woman. "It's quite safe. We're in the middle of the mall."

"Does Akhir know where you are?" the woman asked, dropping her tone to the quietest of whispers.

Jasmine nodded.

The woman... well, the Yeerk, because she'd absolutely just confirmed in Elsa's mind that she was one... still looked concerned. "Well," she said, still clearly unhappy with the situation, "I suppose it's her decision, but..."

"No it bloody well isn't! It's Jasmine's decision, Ak-" Elsa cut herself off abruptly, conscious of how dangerous it might be to say a Yeerk name so loudly in the crowded mall; "I mean, she- doesn't _own_ her!" Elsa glanced sideways at Jasmine. "Are you seriously okay with this?"

Jasmine looked so worried that Elsa immediately regretted yelling, though she was still boiling with fury. She _hated_ the Yeerk's arrogance, but watching Jasmine just accept it was even worse.

"Be silent," the Yeerk snapped, barely glancing sideways at Elsa before returning her gaze to Jasmine. "You should come with us," she repeated, her tone infinitely more gentle. "It's certainly not safe now she's angry."

That was _it._ Stepping closer to the Yeerk, pushing a little into her personal space, Elsa glared straight into her eyes. "Get lost," she snapped.

"Elsa!" Elsa felt Jasmine touch her hesitantly on the arm, moving close enough to murmur to her. "Alniss is just worried, that's all. She didn't mean..."

Jasmine trailed off as Elsa turned her eyes to her, and Elsa belatedly realised that her fury was still in them. She forced herself to relax slightly, trying to give Jasmine a reassuring look.

"Are you fucking mad?" Carla snapped suddenly, glaring at Jasmine. "What'd you say her name for?"

Jasmine hung her head, and apologised, but not before she'd flicked her eyes sideways to Elsa, meaningfully. Elsa froze with sudden realisation that the name-drop had been deliberate. Why? Did she dare hope that Jasmine had wanted Elsa to know for her own sake, or was it to try and smooth things over, knowing they needed Alniss' cooperation for the campaign?

Either way, Elsa _did_ need Alniss' cooperation, and despite her nastiness she felt a little sorry for her. She remembered Kalran telling her how Alniss had lost both her mates and... and Silrin... in the final battle. Well, that was misleading, really, they'd been flushed helpless from the Pool ship, which even Elsa had to admit hardly counted as a battle.

Elsa turned back to Alniss, stepping back a little, but keeping their eyes level. She wasn't about to give the slightest impression of submission, even if Alniss had lost every single other member of her species. "Not that it makes it OK how you just spoke to us, but I've been wanting to say..." Elsa paused for a second, taking a deep breath. "I'm truly sorry for your losses."

Alniss froze, staring at her. Carla looked just as shocked as she was, and even Jasmine seemed astonished.

It was Carla who recovered first. "If you're trying to make fun of her..."

She left the threat unspoken, but Elsa could hear the icy fury in her voice, and see it, too, as she looked toward her. "No, I promise I'm not. And it goes for you, as well... I'm so sorry, it must have been so difficult to lose her." The words weren't easy to utter, but Elsa knew it was only right to say them, however alien the idea of grieving for your Yeerk seemed to her.

Carla stiffened, her face suddenly inscrutable. Alniss' emotions were less well-disguised, her eyes swollen with unshed tears.

"But... you hated her," Alniss eventually managed, her voice choked with pain.

Despite the Yeerk's earlier arrogance, Elsa felt something within her gut soften at the sight of Alniss' trembling frame. "No," she said softly. "Not exactly."

Alniss looked at her suspiciously: she was already beginning to bring herself back under control, her tears looking less and less as though they would overspill her eyelids. "You're telling the truth?"

Elsa nodded slowly.

"But... you..." Alniss trailed off, glancing sideways at Carla as though for reassurance.

Carla took the Yeerk's hand, squeezing it gently. She turned her eyes to Elsa then, giving her a harsh stare. "You'd better not be making fun of her," she snarled protectively.

"Of course I'm not."

"She's not like that." Jasmine's voice was quiet, a whisper even, but clear.

Elsa turned to her, smiling with surprised pleasure. She hadn't expected that level of confidence from her friend, not yet, and felt a bubbling sense of pride at the trust Jasmine had just shown in her.

Carla and Alniss looked less pleased, though Alniss' expression was milder than it had been. "You can't be sure," she said gently to Jasmine.

"I'm sure enough."

There was a short silence. Elsa observed the other two carefully: they seemed about as receptive as she'd ever seen them. Carla had even uncrossed her arms, looking between her and Jasmine curiously, and Alniss was studying Elsa herself, her eyes scanning over her in a way that made Elsa uncomfortable, but didn't seem aggressive. She doubted they'd ever all bump into each other again, and suddenly decided to take the plunge.

"Jasmine's been telling me about the interview," Elsa said in a rush, looking at Carla. "I'm sorry it didn't go so well. I was wondering, would it help if I, a few of us even, meet you before the next one. I could even come along, if you want."

Carla stiffened, folding her arms again. She didn't look happy, and Elsa regretted bringing the subject up when Carla gestured dismissively at Jasmine.

"I suppose _she's_ been telling you it's all my fault?"

Elsa was surprised by the dismissal when she spoke: she suddenly saw that Carla and Jasmine didn't get along at all, at least not from Carla's side, and she cursed herself for being stupid enough to send the two of them to that interview with only each other for company. No wonder it hadn't gone well.

"Carla!" Alniss looked shocked. "There's no need to speak to Jasmine like that."

Elsa looked sideways: Jasmine was hanging her head, clearly not about to defend herself.

"I think you got the wrong word there," Elsa snapped cooly. "Jasmine's been telling me it's all _her_ fault, which for the record I think is complete nonsense. If you want to give someone the blame, give it to me. I should have thought about it more."

"You should. Ensure you do next time," Alniss reprimanded suddenly.

Elsa rolled her eyes. "I don't take orders from you."

Alniss swelled indignantly, but before she could speak Jasmine interrupted her.

"Can we go?" Jasmine piped up suddenly.

"You don't have to ask, Jasmine, just go." Elsa strained to keep her voice gentle. "You want me to come with you?"

Jasmine nodded, looking cautiously between her and Alniss. "I don't want this to turn into a fight. Please," she added, her eyes on Alniss.

Strangely- or at least, it was strange to Elsa, who had never found pleading with Yeerks to do the slightest bit of good- Alniss seemed to calm herself, with some effort, and smiled at Jasmine.

"It won't," she said softly. "Are you sure you won't come with us?"

Jasmine shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"At least stay within the mall," Alniss said anxiously. "Don't go anywhere on your own with her, will you?"

Elsa forced back her retort with some effort, biting her lip to keep herself from yelling at Alniss. This was hard enough without her sowing all that doubt in Jasmine's mind: she was fed up of not being trusted, being assumed to be some kind of cold-blooded murderer. A quieter, more rational part of Elsa's mind pointed out that she'd heard several stories of voluntaries being killed, and that was only the ones that had been on the news: there were probably far more that had been beaten up, severely injured even, that she hadn't heard about.

"I won't," Jasmine promised Alniss.

"I'm not interested in hurting anyone, Alniss," Elsa said softly. "Least of all Jasmine. Carla... if you want to meet us before the next interview or whatever, you've got my number, right, so just call me. Or ask Jasmine to let me know."

Elsa was expecting Carla to dismiss her, but after a few seconds she nodded slowly.

"OK. Maybe I will."


	31. Chapter 31

The noise of the crowd in the food court was giving Carla a headache. Saturday lunchtime was probably the worst time to be here: it was crawling with families, babies screaming, older children, if anything, even louder, darting around between the tables in a complicated dance as they moved back and forth from the soft play area to their parents and back again. Carla wanted nothing more than to head back to the apartment, but Alniss didn't dare leave right after meeting Elsa, she was too worried about being followed, and Carla had to agree, even though part of her knew it was overly paranoid.

"You want something to eat?" Alniss asked, her voice flat.

That was just about the last thing in the world Carla wanted. "No. Thanks. You get something, though, if you want."

Alniss shook her head. "I don't want anything either. We could get something to drink, I suppose, then we can sit down."

Once they were both equipped with a can each of cold soda, which was somewhat soothing, they found a seat on the edge of the chaos, where it was slightly quieter.

"Are you okay?"

They both spoke at almost the same time, overlapping each other, and Carla smiled slightly, a bittersweet sensation spreading across her gut. Akhir and Jasmine spoke at the same time a lot, when Jasmine was confident enough to speak at all, and she was simultaneously pleased at the indication that she and Alniss were perhaps growing closer and upset at yet another reminder of Silrin.

They both nodded at a similar time, too.

"Yeah, I'm okay," Carla said quietly. "I've decided Jasmine's mad, though."

Alniss nodded. "I know what you mean. I'm still worried about her." She frowned anxiously. "I wish I had Akhir's number. I could see if Kalran would give me it, but she might ask why, and she'd probably say I was interfering in Jasmine's life. I suppose I _am_ interfering, but I just don't see how any Yeerk can sit by and watch that without wanting to. Taking a calculated risk to meet someone for a greater gain, like you're doing... that's one thing, but what's Jasmine gaining from all this risk? She can't have anything in common with Elsa."

Carla shrugged: she had no idea either. Quite apart from their very different loyalties and views of the war, the two seemed polar opposites personality-wise. Jasmine so quiet, submissive, and Elsa... well, bossy did not even come close. Shaking her head slightly, she decided to change the subject: she was very worried how Alniss would be feeling about Elsa bringing up Silrin, it was far more important to discuss that than dwell on whatever Jasmine thought she was doing.

"Are you okay?" she repeated concernedly, trying to let her tone of voice hint at what she meant without saying it explicitly.

Alniss nodded, but the tension in her voice belied the gesture. "I suppose so. I just... I really don't understand why she said... it must just have been to try and keep our support. She must really care about Kalran. There's no way she cares about..." she trailed off. "Mind you, if she wants to get us on her side she could have been less rude to me."

"You were coming across a little..." Carla hesitated. "Well, Yeerk-y. I guess she just didn't like that."

Carla immediately regretted her words, as Alniss stared at her.

"What do you mean?" Alniss sounded surprised, but not angry, which was a relief.

"Just... I suppose telling Jasmine what to do. And telling Elsa to be silent, that was kind of..."

Alniss frowned. "I don't remember saying that. Did I?"

Carla nodded, surprised that Alniss didn't recall it. "You didn't notice?"

"It must just be second nature," Alniss said, with a sigh. "I never had a host as resistant as Elsa, but I sometimes had to silence my Hork-Bajir."

Carla's face drained of colour. Silrin had shielded her host from it during the war, but afterwards Carla had learned some of the less obvious ways the involuntary hosts had been kept in line. She'd never sought the information intentionally, but there'd been snatches of interviews on the radio, TV shows that featured it at unexpected moments... bits and pieces she couldn't help hearing, that built up a picture. People who had had their worst memories played over and over again, or forced to endure realistic visions of hurting their loved ones against their will. Mostly as a punishment for some small transgression: distracting their Yeerk, managing to break through their control for a moment, resisting the guards and so humiliating their Yeerk master... but sometimes even when they hadn't done any of that, with Yeerks who had been particularly cruel.

"What do you mean, silence?" Carla asked, her voice choked with fear. She wasn't sure how she would react if Alniss described doing something similar, and waited with baited breath for the other to answer.

Alniss frowned. "Just told her to be silent. That was all that was needed."

"Always? Did you ever... punish her?" Carla whispered, looking down at the greasy surface of the table rather than meeting the Yeerk's eyes as she asked the question.

"No," Alniss said after a moment. A note of worry had crept into her voice for the first time, perhaps as she realised what Carla was asking. "I never needed to. She'd had Yeerks before me, she... she knew what I could do if I had to."

Carla gasped. " _Had_ to? Why would you have to do anything like that?"

"I never did!" Alniss protested, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. "I'm not even sure if I could have done, but I never had to find out. Thankfully."

Carla looked away, across the food court, trying to slow her breathing, keep herself calm. Part of her protested that it had hardly been Alniss' fault; she knew enough about the culture of the Empire to know that giving a warning was practically generous, that a Yeerk that didn't punish a resistant host in some way was quite a rarity... and yet... while she believed Alniss had never actually done anything, even to make the threat was bad enough.

Carla slowly let her gaze move back to Alniss, meeting the Yeerk's eyes. To her slight surprise, they were filled not only with pain and concern, but with shame, and she realised Alniss felt guilty. That realisation seemed to open the floodgates for others: she remembered how much Alniss had lost, and despite that how kind she'd been to Carla, everything she'd done, and she felt her face soften, melting into forgiveness. She reached across to take Alniss' hand.

"It wasn't your fault," she said softly. "And you didn't actually do anything."

"Still..."

"You wouldn't have done it, either," Carla said confidently. "I don't believe you could have hurt your host, even if they'd ignored you. You're not like that."

Alniss gave her a grateful look, squeezing her hand. "Thank you for understanding."

There was a long silence. Though silence was perhaps not the right word, given the cacophony of noise still bombarding them from the food court. Carla drained her soda, trying to concentrate on the feel of the cold liquid moving down her throat, trying to let it block out her uneasiness, her irritation at the noise around her, and the sense of guilt that was building within her. Poor Alniss had had to go through enough today, without her bringing the subject up.

"What should I have said to her?" Alniss asked suddenly, breaking the silence.

"Your Hork-Bajir?" Carla guessed. "Look, Alniss, forget I said anything, it really wasn't your fault, I-"

"Not her. Elsa. You said I sounded too commanding... what should I have said?"

Carla shrugged. "Don't know, really. She probably wouldn't have taken well to you giving her an order, however it was phrased."

Alniss rolled her eyes slightly. "No." She shook her head, despairingly. "That human doesn't know

how to take kindness. Silrin was so good to her, she wouldn't even ask her to stop her yelling-"

Alniss trailed off abruptly. It was probably something to do with the way Carla's face had tightened: shocked, she stared at Alniss. The thought of Elsa screaming at Silrin for her freedom was a very uncomfortable one, and Carla battled the guilt, trying not to let it completely overwhelm her. The casual way Alniss had mentioned it had shocked Carla; not to mention that she'd called it kindness, not to order Elsa to accept her fate silently. Carla shuddered involuntarily, unable to meet Alniss' eyes.

"Carla?"

"It's nothing," Carla said quickly.

Too quickly, perhaps, as Alniss did not sound entirely convinced when she replied: "If you say so."

* * *

"What!" Kalran looked utterly astonished, her eyes flicking between the two of them in disbelief.

It was the same evening, and the three of them sat in Carla and Alniss' room, perched on the beds. Carla had spent much of the afternoon thinking over Elsa's proposal of meeting with her, and had slowly begun to come around to the idea. Not to say it didn't still fill her with dread, but she could see advantages. It would allow her to help with a lot more of the campaign, and as long as she made sure it was in a fairly public place it was probably safe enough, a conclusion that had been strengthened when Kalran had relayed a message to Alniss from Jasmine to say she had arrived home safely. Carla had been relieved to hear it: she might not get along with Jasmine, and she was pretty sure she was less paranoid than Alniss, but she'd still been worried.

"Really, Carla? You know you don't have to do this. Oglud would never ask it of you. Nor would I, for that matter."

"I know," Carla said, as calmly as she could. She felt a small smile tug at the edge of her mouth at the mention of Oglud. She'd enjoyed her visits to the Pool more and more over the last few months, and she was beginning to feel as though she knew Oglud quite well, despite only speaking to the through Kalran's translation.

"What business is it of theirs?" Alniss snapped.

Underneath the anger, Carla thought she could detect more than a hint of pain, and hastily reached for Alniss' hand, pushing the smile that had begun to slip onto her face back down. She suddenly wished Kalran hadn't mentioned Oglud: Alniss tried to hide it, but Carla was pretty sure she was jealous of the other Yeerk, and she'd had quite enough difficult emotion to endure today. Carla let herself slide closer to Alniss' side and squeezed the hand she held, trying to reassure her when she couldn't raise the subject aloud.

"Well, it isn't, I suppose. But they're one of the Yeerks Carla's doing it for, and the only one she knows in person, so I just..." Kalran trailed off. "It doesn't matter, anyway. Carla, are you sure?"

Carla nodded. "Yeah. I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but it needs to happen, I think. We need to coordinate stuff properly."

"Well, if you're sure." Kalran nodded hesitantly. She looked across at Alniss. "How do you feel about this?"

Alniss didn't reply for a moment, a mix of emotions flickering across her face. Kalran looked embarrassed, and opened her mouth, looking like she might try and change the subject, or apologise. Before she could speak, however, Alniss suddenly burst out with: "She told us she was sorry. About... about Silrin." The last word was delivered in a choked whisper.

Silence reigned for a few moments, broken only by Kalran shifting uncomfortably on the bed opposite them. Carla rubbed her thumb across the back of Alniss' hand, and felt her squeeze Carla's fingers in response.

" _Schrellatie,"_ Kalran said softly, slowly reaching across the space between them to touch Alniss' shoulder. "That must have been so difficult for you."

"Was she making fun of us?" Carla directed her question to Kalran. "You know her, right?"

Kalran nodded. "I know her a little, yes. And no, I can't imagine her doing that for a moment. She'll have meant it."

"How can you be so sure?" Alniss asked. The question seemed genuinely curious: there was no trace of accusation in her tone, as Carla might have expected a few months ago.

Shifting uneasily, Kalran responded: "I... I was the one who told Elsa about Silrin. Unintentionally, I'd thought she already knew, but... she called me the next day, to talk over her feelings. I'm not going to tell you what she said, that's not fair, but she wasn't making fun of you."

"She needed to do that? Is she alright?"

Alniss' question seemed automatic, concern lacing her tone, and Carla stared at her in surprise.

Kalran nodded, smiling slightly. "She's fine."

"Why do you care?" Carla asked, trying to keep her question casual, not to betray her astonishment.

"I don't," Alniss responded, the emotion draining from her voice as quickly as it had come. "Why would I?"

Kalran's smile grew slightly wider. "You do realise no-one's going to report you for sympathy, don't you? There're no sub-vissers hiding in the wardrobe."

Alniss looked down at the floor. To Carla's surprise, she didn't snap at Kalran. "I know. But why? Why under the Kandrona should I care about _her?_ She's given me nothing but pain."

She looked so miserably bewildered by it all that Carla couldn't stop herself trying to help. "Silrin cared about her, too. She tried not to show it, she didn't really talk about it, but I could tell. It isn't just you."

Alniss nodded slowly, turning towards her. "Yes. I know. She cared about her far too much, in my opinion, she started to say things. Dangerous things." Alniss shuddered. "Asking how she could justify imprisoning her, that kind of thing. I kept telling her, if anyone else heard that she'd be in front of her sub-Visser on sympathy charges, and she said she wouldn't say anything where anyone else could hear it... but I was still so worried about her."

Carla's eyes widened with surprise. She hadn't known Silrin had had any peace movement sympathies... she'd known she was kind, that she cared about humans probably more than she was supposed to, but she hadn't realised she'd gone as far as criticising the Empire's actions aloud. "I didn't know that."

Smiling at her, Alniss stroked the back of Carla's hand with her thumb. Affection shone in her eyes, and Carla felt her own mouth lifting into a smile as she gazed back.

"She was quite a different Yeerk when she was with you. She said she was finally doing something good with her life, that she felt she was helping you. I was still worried, though, she spoke about you with such warmth that I was scared she'd still get accused of sympathy. You're really not supposed to say your host is braver or stronger than you are, and Silrin implied that to me on multiple occasions."

Carla flushed, unable to help her grin as she cast her eyes down to the floor, embarrassed. "She was so silly. She was the brave one."

"I can see what she meant," Kalran said softly. "You've been so courageous with all this. I still can't quite believe you're willing to do this meeting."

That reminded Carla of the real reason she'd sat down to speak with Kalran, and she raised her eyes to meet hers. "Kal? Look, I know you don't want anything to do with the campaign but... will you come?"

"To the meeting?" Kalran frowned at her. "Yes, of course, if you want me to. But I'm... I'm still not ready to be part of the campaign. I doubt I could contribute much."

"It isn't for that," Carla said quickly, to reassure her. "It's just that... well, you're the only person I know that we all like. Elsa gets on OK with you... I just thought it might help if there's someone there we all have in common. Especially if Elsa comes on her own... and I don't want any other involuntaries there. Elsa might feel a bit..." she trailed off, unable to articulate what she meant, but Kalran seemed to understand anyway.

"I'll come," she said slowly. "I think I'll need to support Elsa more than the rest of you: you and Alniss have each other, and so do Akhir and Jasmine. I imagine Elsa might need someone, even if she won't admit it."

Alniss nodded, glancing across at Carla. "Thank you, Kalran. You're right, Carla, it would make things much easier."


	32. Chapter 32

**Author's Note:** Sorry that updates are a little sporadic at the moment: life has been quite busy! The next chapter is quite an important one, so it may take a while too as I try and get it at least close to how I want it. Hope you enjoy this in the meantime!

* * *

It was a glorious day.

The sun warmed Kalran through to her bones as she got off the bus and walked through the gates to City Park. An aquamarine sky that almost seemed to sparkle with light beamed down on her, the sunlight catching every shade of green and a rainbow of flowers. Kalran couldn't help smiling in delight, though it was tinged with sadness at the knowledge that Oglud couldn't enjoy it. She'd been to the Pool with Ilkiss the day before: just the two of them, this time, as Carla had had to work. Ilkiss had seemed odd, too, awkward around her and less communicative with Oglud than he usually was. Kalran hoped he was okay, but didn't feel able to push him to share his feelings. She was beginning to feel better, as though a film of pollution that had been limiting the Kandrona's light for over a year was beginning to disappear, letting the warmth fill her. She'd shared little of her emotions with Ilkiss, though, not having wanted to bother him with her sadness, and she hoped he wasn't falling into the same depression she was beginning to move out of.

Kalran pulled herself back from her thoughts, scanning her surroundings for Akhir's slim figure. As they'd arranged, the other Yeerk was waiting on a bench a little way into the park: she stood, smiling, as Kalran approached.

"Hello," Akhir said warmly. It wasn't safe to give any traditional Yeerk greeting, not here.

"Hi," Kalran responded, returning the smile. "How are you?"

"Wonderful," Akhir replied, gesturing around them. "Isn't it _gorgeous?_ How are you?"

Kalran nodded, her smile widening. "I'm starting to appreciate it again. It is lovely here."

They turned, beginning to walk along the curving path further into the park, flowerbeds on either side bursting with colour.

"How's Jasmine?" Kalran asked after a moment.

"Lovely, as always." Akhir smiled, her eyes glowing in a way they almost always did when she spoke about her host. "Yes, she's fine. She's been studying a lot, she's got tests coming up for her night school course. She's convinced she'll fail them; I'm equally convinced she'll pass them. I should bet on it, really."

"I'm sure she'll be fine. She seems very intelligent, and she's certainly hardworking. Does she have any plans for what she wants to do with the qualification? I might put in a case for biological research as a career, she'd be good at it."

Akhir sighed long-sufferingly. "She'd be fabulous at anything like that. Unfortunately I'm having enough difficulty persuading her that she's capable of passing one test in high-school math."

The conversation paused for a moment, Kalran slipping behind Akhir to allow a group of people to pass them on the path.

"I'll drip-feed in the college conversation after she passes this test, maybe," Akhir mused. "She's always slightly more accepting when I can show her incontrovertible proof that she can do something. How's Sara, anyway? Have you seen her lately?"

"She's alright." Kalran sighed, lowering her voice. "She's started talking about coming to the Pool again, now her ban's run out. I'm not convinced it's the best idea."

Akhir made a soft sound of understanding. "I go with Geltrin occasionally. I understand what you mean: I can't see it being easy for an ex-involuntary."

"That's exactly the problem. That, and trying to find a time Carla can't do and Sara can. I'm not having the two of them there together, and I'm not asking Carla to miss out. Oglud talks almost as much to her as they do to me, now. Not that I mind that. Oglud's clearly pleased to be able to converse with her."

"How are they? Oglud, that is."

Akhir's tone was soft, as though trying to ask the question without pressing too forcefully, aware of Kalran's hurt. She was good at that sort of thing, a good friend. Kalran felt gratitude spread across her stomach and up into her chest: Akhir had set aside so much time just to listen to Kalran, something that had really helped her.

"They seem okay, but how can I know for sure?" Kalran sighed. "It's so limited, just using the communicator."

They turned away from the main path, down towards an area Kalran knew to be quieter, shaded by tall trees. Drops of light pushed paths through the leaves above them, falling onto the ground in delicate dapples, but Kalran's thoughts distracted her from the beauty of the sight.

"I can imagine." Akhir touched her arm gently. "I'm sure they're fine. I'm sure they'd tell you if they weren't."

Hunching her shoulders in shame, Kalran shook her head. "I don't know. There's a lot I'm not telling them."

The path wound down towards a small lake. There was a bench beside the water, hidden away within the trees, and it was to this that Kalran directed her footsteps, sinking on to the smooth wood as soon as she reached it. She let her eyes gaze across the water to the other bank, which was more open, humans strolling past along an open, sunny path.

Akhir sank onto the bench beside her. "What aren't you telling them, if you don't mind me asking?"

Kalran sighed. For a moment she wondered about asking Akhir to drop the subject, but she had to talk to _someone_. Akhir was the best listener she knew... well, except Carla, and Carla wouldn't really understand everything she wanted to say. She needed a Yeerk for that.

"Ilkiss and I haven't been mates for well over a year now," Kalran began slowly, taking a deep breath. "Oglud still thinks we are." Kalran felt a wave of pain against her ribs. "I... I haven't ever been able to bring myself to tell them... I know I should, but..."

"It must be difficult."

Kalran sighed, turning her head to look at Akhir desperately. "It's just... how can I give them that kind of news in a line of text? If we were still... If the Empire was still... it's not news I would even imagine giving them hosted, you know? I'd wait until we fed together, anything else would be insensitive, cowardly, even."

Akhir nodded. "Of course. Oh, that must be awful."

"Ilkiss has started saying we should tell them," Kalran murmured. "He agreed with me at first, but just lately..." Kalran sighed. "I know I'll have to do it eventually, unless I want to leave them in ignorance their whole life, and that's not fair. They might want to form a new tripartite, anyway, one they can reproduce in. And even if this million-to-one chance comes off and they end up allowing infestation, it's hardly any better to let them find out through Carla than it is to use the communicator. Worse, probably. Unless..." a sudden thought had occurred to her, one that made her gasp in surprise that it had never come into her head before. "Akhir, do you think the humans would ever let _us_ host them?"

There was a silence. Akhir looked as shocked as Kalran felt: clearly, it was a possibility she had never thought of before, either.

"Kandrona, you're right!" Akhir managed eventually. "We could, of course we could, physically we're no different from a human. I hadn't even realised it..."

"Neither had I," Kalran admitted.

Mentally, she let herself imagine what the process would be like: ducking her head into the thickened warmth of the Pool, waiting, feeling the Yeerk move into her numbed ear, letting control slide from her. She had seen it often enough in her host's memories that she could imagine the process vividly. She could see her memories bursting open like fireworks, at random that first time, she knew no Yeerk could control what they saw in an initial infestation, no matter how hard they tried... _oh._

Kalran sighed heavily. "Great Pools, Akhir, that's hardly better, is it? I couldn't control it, they'd just see... unless I tried to talk to them before they were connected, but they'd only hear me in snatches then, that's no good either."

Nodding slowly, Akhir replied: "I imagine not. And, Kalran, consider... would you really want to be host to your mate? To anyone, even? They'd be able to see everything, every thought you've ever had about them... it's far closer than any of our relationships are normally."

She had to admit Akhir was right. The thought was distasteful, even wrong. She vaguely remembered Sara's feeling of unease when she'd read some news story about a long-estranged brother and sister pair who, unaware they were related, had embarked on a romantic relationship before they discovered they were family. It was the most similar feeling Kalran had ever experienced to what she felt now about the thought of her mate connecting to her mind in that way. As she let herself move to imagining other Yeerks than Oglud, the feeling faded slightly, but not completely.

"Does it disgust you?" Kalran asked, her scientist's sense of natural curiosity taking over, wondering whether this was an instinctive reaction or just her own. "Imagining it. It does me."

Akhir nodded. "Yes. Quite strongly, actually." She smiled bitterly. "Do you remember the Empire propaganda? Everything they said about how selfish humans and Hork-Bajir were for refusing to share their senses with us? And it turns out we probably have some kind of instinctive revulsion to sharing them ourselves, now we can."

"Either that or it's the rest of the Empire culture affecting us, all that rhetoric of hosts being inferior," Kalran mused. "I'm not sure why we would have evolved such a strong aversion when it would never have been possible to infest each other."

Akhir gave a slight smile. "A true biologist," she observed, quirking an eyebrow at Kalran.

Despite her misery, Kalran felt a tiny laugh bubble up in her chest. "Always." She looked across at Akhir: she was so grateful for the other Yeerk's friendship she hardly knew how to express it. Akhir had spent most of their outings listening endlessly to Kalran, and Kalran suddenly realised she knew almost nothing about the other Yeerk, apart from a few sparse details about what she had done in the Empire and her friendship with Geltrin.

"I've never even asked you about your mates, have I?" Kalran said guiltily. "I'm sorry, I... I haven't been thinking..."

Akhir shook her head instantly. "Kalran, you've had far too much to cope with to be worrying about me. It's fine." She paused for a moment. "Anyway, there isn't much to tell. I've never been _ilsh'nish._ " Although they were set well back from the path, with no humans in sight, Akhir whispered the final word, glancing around to make sure it wouldn't be overheard.

"Really?" Kalran sounded more shocked than she'd intended, and quickly added: "Sorry. I don't mean it's a bad thing, I'm just surprised. I'd have thought you could take your pick." Kalran flushed. That hadn't sounded how she'd intended it, either, though it was closer to the truth: Akhir was witty, generous and incredibly emotionally skilled, all very valuable traits. Yet again, she wished for her own body. "That came out wrong, too, I... this would be so much easier palp-to-palp."

Akhir laughed, and Kalran felt herself relax. "Human communication is so limited," she agreed. "When you've spent much of your time communicating palp-to-palp, let alone mind-to-mind with a host, it's so hard just to rely on words. Jasmine constantly forgets I can't tell what she's thinking any more. I can usually guess, but even that's changing now. It's a good thing, it means she's growing as a person, but it's hard."

Kalran nodded. "It sounds it." She hesitated, wondering if her friend had moved the conversation away from mates deliberately, and decided not to probe further. "It must have been... quite something. To have a truly voluntary host, I mean."

Akhir smiled wistfully. "Incredible. She wasn't always how she is now... she was cooperative at the start, but only because we were the best of a bad bunch of options. But when I realised she'd moved from that to cooperating for _my_ sake, because she cared about me, truly trusted me... that was something very special." Akhir's face had taken on a far-away look, a look of true joy, but as Kalran watched it changed to bitterness. "Until I realised that one day the Empire would probably force me to have to make a choice, to choose between betraying her and starving for sympathy..." her face hardened into fierce anger. "You think I'm just being nice to you, Kalran, but I'm not. I am so glad you took them down."

"I didn't," Kalran protested. "The humans..."

"You helped," Akhir said, shaking her head insistently. "It wasn't just them. And I should have been braver, I should have done it, too."

"That might have put Jasmine at risk," Kalran said softly. The last thing she wanted was for Akhir to feel guilty – she didn't need to. "Maybe you did the best, most ethical thing you could in the circumstances. And in any case, it's over now, and no harm done."

Akhir gave a bitter, harsh laugh. "Try saying that to Elsa tomorrow. You are coming, aren't you?"

"Yes. Not for the campaign itself, although..." Kalran hesitated. She hadn't mentioned this yet to anyone, in fact it had only been in the last few days that she'd even begun to admit it to herself. "I'm starting to wonder whether I might help with it."

"Oh?" Raised eyebrows met Kalran's glance. "Really?"

Kalran nodded slowly. "I guess... I still don't think I've much chance of success, but... I have to focus on _something_. I've tried just accepting things as they are, and I... I just can't."

Akhir reached across to wrap her arms around Kalran's shoulders. "Oh, _schrellatie._ "

The comforting pressure of the hug calmed her, gradually. "I'm okay."


	33. Chapter 33

It had been a very, very long time since Carla had felt so terrified.

She was riding along in the back of Akhir's car, heading into town. Jasmine sat in the front beside her Yeerk: she'd avoided Carla's eyes when Akhir had picked them up, only whispering her greeting. Alniss and Kalran sat in the back, beside her. Akhir's car was tiny, and the ride crowded and uncomfortable, but Carla still didn't want it to end.

"How are we going to handle this, then?" Alniss piped up from beside her. Looking around, Carla could see her attention was on Akhir and Kalran, her head turning between the two of them. "How can we ensure she behaves herself?"

Kalran's voice was tense, irritated. "Try not using words like 'behaves'," she snapped.

"Definitely," Akhir agreed, though her tone was gentler, conciliatory. "We can't make sure of anything, at least not where Elsa's concerned. Alniss, try and remember she wants this to work, too, or she wouldn't be coming." Akhir paused as she negotiated a junction, hesitantly, then continued once they were on a clearer section of road. "We need to make it as easy for her as possible, because this will be _incredibly_ difficult, even if she doesn't show it."

"Like it's not difficult for us," Carla muttered resentfully.

"I'm sure it is," Akhir said softly. "I know that, but you both have Alniss, and you have me, and you have each other. Elsa's going to feel pretty outnumbered, and she hates me, at least. She's probably not your biggest fan either, Alniss."

"The feeling's mutual," Alniss muttered.

There was a short silence.

"She's nice," Jasmine piped up gently. "She really is. She's not trying to hurt you."

Carla sighed slightly, rolling her eyes at Alniss in silent disbelief at Jasmine's gullibility.

"Alniss, just..." Akhir trailed off, reformulating her words before trying again. "It might help if you imagine you're talking to another Yeerk, not a human, when you speak to Elsa. When you speak to Carla and Jasmine, too."

Alniss frowned, looking puzzled. "What do you mean by that? I _know_ they're humans."

"So you'd say a sentence like 'how can we make sure she behaves' if you were talking about Akhir, would you?" Kalran's voice sounded strained: she was probably trying to sound calm, but Carla could hear the annoyance in her voice.

"Well, I can be _very_ badly behaved," Akhir said, in a humorous tone.

Her joke fell on deaf ears, and there was an uncomfortable silence.

Carla glanced sideways at Alniss: to her surprise, the Yeerk looked neither angry nor upset, merely lost in thought. She suspected that might have something to do with the criticism originating from Akhir: Alniss seemed to have an unusual respect for the other Yeerk, for reasons Carla couldn't fathom.

"Perhaps you're right," Alniss said eventually, glancing at Kalran. "I'll try."

* * *

A few minutes later, Carla's anxiety reached a new level as they pulled into the car park at the Burger King where they'd arranged to meet. She wiped sweat from her brow as she walked across the baking asphalt, though it could hardly be blamed just on the heat of the day- Carla was a writhing ball of fear by this point, trying desperately not to show it outwardly. She assumed they were all nervous: Jasmine was close to Akhir's side, and they were both unconsciously twirling with the bracelets on their wrists; Kalran was biting at her lower lip, while Alniss' face was set in a tight expression that, while it outwardly seemed confident to a stranger, was a clear sign of worry to anyone who truly knew her.

It was busy inside, noisy enough to make it hard to overhear conversations. They'd chosen it for that reason: a busy chain was more anonymous than a quieter cafe would be. It took a few moments to search the tables, and it was Jasmine who spotted Elsa first.

"Over there, by the window," she whispered, gesturing towards the back of a woman's head.

Collectively, they all took a deep breath. Akhir led the way, not directly to the table as Carla expected, but looping around to approach from another angle. Carla frowned, then realised the change meant they were no longer approaching Elsa from behind. Was Akhir worried about frightening her? Could this really be as terrifying for her as it was for them?

"Good morning, Elsa," Akhir called from a little distance away, confirming Carla's thoughts.

Elsa jumped slightly when she heard the voice, turning her head towards them. Carla dropped her eyes to the dirty linoleum instantly, not wanting to meet her gaze.

Carla heard Elsa reply with a cheerful 'Hi!', but kept her eyes to the floor. As she sat down at the table, though, she forced herself to look up, hiding her trembling hands in her lap.

Thankfully, Elsa was looking across at Jasmine, a broad smile on her face. "Hey, Jaz. How was the exam?"

"Oh," Jasmine looked down. "It... I don't think I passed. Not that I expected to."

"I find it generally goes better than I think it did, for me," Elsa said kindly. "I'm sure it'll be okay. Maths exams are always evil, anyway. I mean, does _anyone_ get trigonometry?"

Jasmine smiled slightly. "I bet you do, whatever you make out. You're smart."

"So are you," Akhir murmured softly to her host.

"Uh-oh. Do I detect another thing I agree with you on?" Elsa said teasingly. Her gaze turned to Akhir as she said it, then swept the rest of the group.

Jasmine smiled slightly at the indirect compliment: clearly what she'd been looking for, Carla thought cynically. She kept the thought to herself, though: she'd resolved not to snap at Jasmine today, no matter how provoking she found her, and had so far managed to do so despite the stress of the day. She was distracted from her thoughts when Elsa's gaze fell on her. Carla forced her eyes to stay on the other woman, trying not to let her fear show in her face.

"Hey, Carla," Elsa said, giving her a broad smile. "How are you?"

Carla shrugged, not trusting herself to speak. There was a short silence, before Elsa seemed to decide she'd get no answer right now, and moved on, greeting the rest of the group. She finished with Alniss, who stiffened as she was addressed.

"How are you? Sorry, I can't quite remember your _name_ ," Elsa said meaningfully, glancing around them.

It took Alniss a moment. "Oh. Yes, I normally go by Alicia."

"Cool. Alicia it is then." Elsa turned to look at Akhir.

"Anna." Akhir smiled. "As plain and ordinary as I could think of. I thought that would be better. Can I offer you something to eat, Elsa?"

"Depends. Are you going to insist on it meeting some vegetable quota?"

Akhir smiled slightly. "Last time I bought you a double chocolate muffin, and we're in Burger King. What do you think?"

"They do salads," Elsa pointed out. "They're just dreadful salads. In that case I'll have fries and a strawberry shake." She reached into her purse. "Here. You can fetch it if you're going, but you don't need to pay again."

Akhir hesitated slightly, then took the proffered wad of dollars. "Thanks. Anyone else want anything? Jaz?" Looking at her host, Akhir sighed. "Can you manage a shake, maybe?"

Jasmine shook her head. "Just water."

Carla couldn't see herself eating or drinking anything, either, but ordered a coke anyway: she didn't want Elsa to see how frightened she truly was.

"So," Elsa began nervously, once Akhir had bustled off to fetch the food. "Have you guys seen, er... they published that article yesterday."

Jasmine jumped. "It's out already?" Her voice came out high-pitched with anxiety.

"We walked out of the interview," Carla muttered, irritated. "She shouldn't have written anything."

"We didn't say we didn't want her to," Jasmine countered, biting her lip. "She must have thought..."

"I phoned them yesterday," Elsa said, indignation lacing her tone. "I told them exactly that, Carla, that you'd walked out and in my opinion that made it pretty clear you didn't consent to them printing anything. And certainly not something so negative, not without letting you know, giving you a chance to comment on it first. They agreed to print an apology... eventually... but it still means it's been out there. I'm sorry."

"They're apologising?" To say Carla was surprised would have been an understatement. "Why would they do that?"

Elsa snorted. "Well, when I say I phoned them, I actually mean about twelve times plus a few hours this morning of waiting at their offices, repeating the same points over and over until they got so fed up they gave in just to get rid of me."

"You did all that for us?" Jasmine asked disbelievingly. "Why?"

It was the same thought that was echoing in Carla's mind: why on Earth would Elsa care so much? Even one phone call would have been generous: she had, at most, expected a half-hearted sorry for setting up an ill-researched interview, which would only have been meant to keep them part of the campaign. This amount of effort seemed disproportionate to anything Elsa could possibly gain.

Elsa frowned. "Why not?"

"We're _voluntaries,_ " Carla said, despite herself. "You don't care about us."

Raising her eyebrows, Elsa replied: "What makes you say that?"

Carla hesitated. Wasn't it obvious? Confusion mixed with her anxiety, and amongst the storm of emotions she could only manage to repeat herself, stupidly. "Because we're voluntaries."

"And?"

Carla was beginning to sense this conversation was going to go around in circles: why was Elsa being so deliberately obtuse? Thankfully, Alniss came to her rescue.

"Carla, Elsa arranged it and it went wrong," Alniss said, speaking carefully. "It's only right she tried to correct it."

"Couldn't have put it better myself," Elsa said brightly. "And I'm pretty reluctant to agree with Alicia on _anything_ , so it must be true. Plus, as it happens I do care about both of you, and you're my friend, Jaz. I was mad as hell that they did that to you."

That statement shocked Carla even more: why in the galaxy would she see Jasmine as a friend? After everything the Empire had done to her, how could she be so forgiving?

They were interrupted by Akhir's arrival with the plastic tray of food. "Did what?"she asked, glancing anxiously at her host as she passed out drinks and portions of fries.

"I'm sorry," Kalran said before the rest of them could speak. "They... the newspaper published the article."

" _Dapsen,"_ Akhir whispered under her breath, with feeling, as she sat down. She reached across to lay a hand on Jasmine's shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Jasmine nodded, though she looked unsettled. "Elsa got them to agree to publish an apology," she said, her tone laced with admiration. "I couldn't have done that."

"It does help if you can reply to their 'but we have to protect the poor victims of the Yeerks' by saying you _are_ one of those 'poor victims' _,_ " Elsa said, waving her fingers in the air to make quote marks around the words. "And if you have years of practice of annoying Yeerks, it builds your persistence."

Carla shifted nervously. The light-heartedness of the reference made her uncomfortable on two counts: she was pretty sure the joking tone was covering up deeper pain for Elsa, but she couldn't help remembering that one of the Yeerks she spoke of 'annoying' was Silrin. She couldn't forget Alniss' comments about the impact of Elsa's resistance on Silrin, nor her own glimpses of the extent to which Silrin had cared for Elsa. It must have been so painful for her Yeerk, to care so deeply for a host who hated her.

"Thank you for doing that." Akhir's voice cut through her thoughts, her tone conveying deep gratitude as she addressed Elsa. "That means a lot to us."

"No problem." Elsa took a sip of milkshake and picked up a fry. "Mmm, these are good."

They were quiet for a few moments, Elsa busily munching away at her food. Akhir had also bought a portion of fries, which she offered to Carla and Jasmine, though she seemed to expect their refusal. Kalran slurped at a shake too, chocolate this time, while Alniss had gone for a coffee and a muffin. Carla doubted either were up to much: certainly nothing close to the quality at Alniss' own cafe.

"So," Elsa said eventually, between bites. "How can we stop it happening again? I suppose it's too much of a stretch to go to an interview together?"

There was a short silence. "I'd like that," Jasmine said softly.

Carla's eyes widened. Her mind involuntarily flashed back to the time, at the Pool, where she'd met Elsa's eyes through the bars of a cage and turned away. It didn't help when she let out an unintended gasp, and Elsa's deep brown eyes made contact with her own again.

"Don't be ridiculous, Jasmine!" Carla exclaimed, once she had found her breath.

"Careful," Akhir reprimanded instantly, giving her a quelling look.

"Sorry," Carla murmured, looking at Jasmine. Beyond her fear, she felt both guilty and annoyed: she had been determined not to snap at the other voluntary, and she was irritated at herself for breaking that promise.

Jasmine gave her a hesitant smile. "That's okay."

"I'm guessing that's a no, then." Elsa tried to smile, too, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I promise I'm not about to murder anyone, if that helps."

There was a few seconds' silence, which Carla spent studying the plastic table top.

"Of course not," Kalran said gently, after a moment. "Carla, you're not still worried about that now, surely?"

Carla shrugged, still looking down. "That's not it, not really."

"Oh?" Elsa's voice sounded suddenly brighter. "Do you mind me asking what it is, then? We might be able to find a way round it."

Her heart racing, Carla curled tighter into herself. "You won't."

Elsa sighed. "Okay. I guess... maybe if we ran two interviews if it happens again? You and I go to one first, Jasmine, and then Carla can go. Unless there's someone else you'd go with other than me? Alma might be willing to come."

"Like that makes it any better."

"And I don't know Alma," Jasmine said worriedly. "Is she like you?"

"She's a lot more organised. But in the way you're meaning, yes. We could all meet up together before the interview, if you wanted."

"Carla just said Alma is no better, so I can't see why you would need to do that," Alniss interrupted. "Carla, are you okay?"

Carla felt the Yeerk's gentle touch on her arm as she spoke. She nodded, forcing herself to look up and meet Alniss' eyes, though she still avoided Elsa's. "I'm fine. I just don't want _her_ to come."

"She won't. I'll make sure of that."

Alniss' tone was more confident than perhaps was wise, a suspicion that was confirmed when Elsa burst out with: "oh, _will_ you? And how exactly do you propose to do that?"

Bristling, Alniss turned to her. "You just said you wouldn't go," she responded angrily. "And now you change your mind. Typical."

"Alicia, stop," Kalran said quickly. "Elsa, I think she was just trying to reassure Carla, I don't think she meant it like that. Did you?"

Alniss frowned, hesitating for a moment before realisation dawned on her face. "Oh. Oh, yes, I... I hadn't realised how that would sound."

Her eyes still on Elsa, Kalran didn't respond to Alniss' statement. Her face bore a worried frown as she watched her. Carla chanced a glance, and saw the reason for Kalran's concern: Elsa's teeth were gritted, and her face was a mixture of emotions, none of them good.

"Do you need a break, Elsa?" Kalran said hesitantly. "You know that's OK, right?"

It was Elsa's turn to look downwards, shaking her head. "It's just all so damn awkward," she muttered. "I don't know why I thought I could do this. Especially today." She sighed, raising her eyes. "Look, I – when I was leaving the newspaper office I was walking towards this woman and she did a double-take and crossed the street, like she recognised me. Never seen her before in my life, and it makes me wonder if she was a voluntary I didn't recognise, which is the best option, or an involuntary my Yeerks recruited who's so damaged she can't recognise the difference between me and them, which is the worst, or if, which seems most likely, she's a Yeerk. She could even have been one of my Yeerks, and I wouldn't even know, and I couldn't get _that_ possibility out of my head. Something about the way she looked at me. So I haven't arrived here in the best frame of mind, and I overreacted, there, Alniss. I would say I'm sorry, but it's not like you've ever said that to me."

Carla was surprised at the vulnerability in Elsa's voice. It only intensified her guilt, but she wasn't about to say that aloud. Instead, she folded her arms tighter across her chest, trying to comfort herself with the pressure.

"Why would I need to apologise to you?" Alniss asked defensively. "I never did anything to you personally."

"Oh, so that makes it okay, does it?" Elsa rolled her eyes, opened her mouth angrily and then closed it again. After a second, she sighed. "Oh, never mind, I'm not getting into this now."

Alniss opened her mouth, as though she might say something else, but Jasmine interrupted her.

"Carla, won't you tell us why Elsa can't come?"

Jasmine sounded genuinely puzzled, and Carla was once again astounded by her idiocy. "You really don't know?"

The other woman shook her head, glancing at Akhir, who shrugged.

"I'm sorry, Carla. You'll have to tell us, if you want us to understand," Akhir said gently.

Carla stared at the two of them, disbelieving. "Fine! Jasmine, can't you remember what that woman asked us? All that stuff about 'didn't you agree with what the Empire did if you didn't fight back'?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, Jasmine flicked her eyes back and forward between Akhir, Elsa and Carla. "Yes, of course I do," she whispered painfully.

"Don't you see how much worse it'll be if the reporter can jerk their head at _her_ and ask why we never tried to help her?" Carla's voice was shrill, and she berated herself for letting her emotions leak through- she'd been determined not to let Elsa see any weakness.

Tears leapt into Jasmine's eyes, and she hung her head. Akhir reached for her host instantly, but Jasmine shook her head insistently, and she fell back, hurt and concerned.

There was a long pause, broken only by the noise of the busy restaurant around them. Carla hardly felt any better than Jasmine, but she wasn't about to let anyone see that. She did allow herself a quick glance sideways to Alniss, and underneath the table she reached for the Yeerk's hand. The squeeze of Alniss' fingers around her own was reassuring, and Carla eventually let her gaze drift back to Jasmine.

As Carla watched, Elsa hesitantly wrapped an arm around Jasmine's shoulder. Jasmine jumped a little, but didn't pull away, instead leaning into the embrace after only a moment's indecision. Carla watched in horrified fascination: how could she be so trusting? And how could she reject poor Akhir's comfort, only to take Elsa's a minute later? She looked over to Akhir, who was watching the two of them with a strange expression on her face: a mixture of pain, guilt, hope and gratitude, flickering across her face in rapid, repeated patterns.

"We've been through this, Jaz," Elsa said softly. "It's okay. Please don't cry."

"I'm sorry," Jasmine managed, pulling away slightly from Elsa's shoulder to look at her.

"You said that already. Days ago. It's okay."

"Days ago?" Akhir's voice was hoarse, and she seemed barely aware she was speaking aloud. "What do you mean?"

Jasmine looked instantly guilty. " _Tamli,_ I... it wasn't anything against _you_ , I... I just wanted to say..." she trailed off.

Akhir was silent for a moment, still looking shocked. After a minute, though, she gathered herself. "No, I'm sorry, Jaz, it's none of my business. I was just surprised, that's all." Her voice softened as Jasmine turned to look at her, smiling hesitantly. "And of course I know you didn't mean anything against me, although perhaps you should have done."

"No, you're fine," Elsa interrupted her, smiling forcedly. "You said sorry already."

Carla didn't have the easy ability Akhir seemed to possess to control her emotions, and she was still staring at Jasmine, open-mouthed, her eyebrows tightening into an angry line. How could Jasmine do that? Now Elsa would probably expect her to apologise, too, and Carla hadn't the least intention of doing _that_. Her stomach twisted in pity for Akhir: how could Jasmine not even have told her? Akhir was nothing but lovely to Jasmine, and to have shown her up in that way... Jasmine clearly didn't have a clue how lucky she was, to have her Yeerk still with her.

That last thought made tears prickle behind Carla's eyes, and she hastily redirected her thoughts, pulling her eyes away from Jasmine, who was now hugging Akhir, a hug that Carla felt should have been denied her, given that she had been pushing her Yeerk away not two minutes before. Instead, Carla's eyes met Kalran's.

Kalran's eyes were full of understanding, and she gave Carla a hesitant smile. "You okay?"

Not trusting herself to speak, Carla nodded. She felt Alniss squeeze her hand: she'd quite forgotten that the Yeerk still held it, and she returned the pressure gratefully.

Her gratitude for Kalran's question, however, was shortlived, as it seemed to prompt Elsa to turn back to them.

"So, carrying on with your analogy there," Elsa began brightly. She spoke as though there'd been no interruption at all, let alone such a dramatic one. "You do know that if they asked that I'd say something along the lines of 'well if I don't mind why should you?' and tell them to get back to the campaign? I'm not gonna suddenly turn on you in the middle of the interview, you do know that, right?"

Carla looked down at the tabletop. "They'd know you were lying. They'd push you."

"Would they? That'd be a neat trick, given that I _wouldn't_ be lying." Elsa countered smugly.

Her tone infuriated Carla. "Of course you are," she snapped. "You expect me to believe you don't hate us?"

"I expect you to believe it less and less," Elsa acknowledged testily, irritation entering her own voice for the first time. "Doesn't stop it being true, though."

Suddenly, Carla felt a tide of inexplicable anger surge through her, and gritted her teeth against the sensation, her face wrinkling even further into a scowl.

To her left, Kalran leant forward quickly. "Talking of unbelievable things," she said hastily, "I've decided I want to help with the campaign, too. Maybe. I think. If I can be of any use, anyway."

There were a few seconds of silence. It seemed to take an age for Elsa to turn her eyes away from Carla, as though she was unsure whether to let the subject drop.

Her rage almost forgotten, Carla turned to stare at Kalran in shock. She hadn't heard a word of this, and she had been so adamantly against being involved until this point. What could possibly have made such a huge difference in such a short amount of time?

"That is a bit of a surprise," Elsa acknowledged eventually, looking at Kalran with her eyebrows raised. "Not sure I'd quite go with unbelievable, though. And of course you'd be useful, you'd be very welcome."

Kalran nodded slowly, biting her lip. "I don't know what I can do..."

"We'll work that out," Elsa said softly. "Just hearing how things are from your perspective would be a good start. You know, when you visit the Pool. We might be able to get some things to change to make it a bit better, sooner than we can do the whole host thing, but I don't really know what it's like, or what you'd want."

"I want to be able to touch them," Kalran said instantly, looking up with a flash of hope in her eyes. "I... they don't even know my scent, now."

Akhir reached instantly to touch Kalran's shoulder, her face etched with pained sympathy. Elsa, on the other hand, had wrinkled her nose, pulling her lip up into an unmistakeable expression of disgust.

"Eww," she whined, one hand going towards her ear, hovering over it protectively. "I mean, OK, whatever you want, but I don't think you're getting the eww factor here. It's really really not nice on human skin."

"They're her mate, Elsa, so I'm sure it would be fine." Jasmine said softly. "I can understand it," she added, looking empathetically at Kalran. "I can't believe they don't let you, it's awful. I was horrified when Geltrin told me."

Still looking sickened, Elsa muttered: "Well, each to their own, I guess. Anything else?"

"Get rid of the Andalites," Carla growled. "They're arrogant _dicks._ Except one of them." She couldn't forget the deep gratitude both she and Kalran had felt towards Fendarin, just from being treated with a grain of decency, and fury burnt through her body as she remembered how they were usually treated, like dirt on the Andalites' hooves. It wasn't fair, especially when Kalran had already been through so much, and she worried how they treated Oglud, who was under their power all the time.

"I don't think that's possible, Carla," Kalran said softly. "Unfortunately."

"Isn't it?" Elsa finally dropped her hand away from her ear, sitting up a little straighter. "They are on _our planet_ , after all. Why can't we just kick them out?"

Akhir smiled. "I think the political implications are slightly more complex than that, Elsa."

"Don't patronise me, Yeerk," Elsa snapped, although she kept her voice low to prevent being overheard. "You know no more about politics than I do."

Akhir nodded, her smile vanishing instantly. "I'm sorry."

"Ak- Anna's just joking," Jasmine added worriedly. "She's just trying to help, that's all. She just-"

"Yeah, well, not funny," Elsa folded her arms across her chest. "Much as I like you, Jasmine, I'll make my own mind up about her."

Jasmine opened her mouth, as though about to say more, but stopped abruptly at a tiny gesture from her Yeerk. Small as it was, though, it was not missed by Elsa, whose eyes narrowed.

" _Don't_ do that, either. Jasmine might not mind, but she _should_ ," Elsa said with emphasis. Turning to Jasmine, she added: "does it really not bother you?"

"Of course not," Alniss cut in, before Jasmine could answer. "Jasmine's a good host."

Elsa's eyes widened momentarily, before she burst out with a short, mocking laugh without any humour in it. "Unlike me, you mean? Thanks for the compliment."

"No, you prefer to give as much pain as possible," Alniss shot back. "No matter anything your Yeerk gave to you, no matter how hurt she was or how hard she was trying, just like Akhir, to look after you, to treat you with care, to guide you..."

Akhir closed her eyes momentarily, letting out an exasperated groan as Kalran turned towards Alniss, outraged.

"OK, that's definitely _not_ what I'm doing," Akhir said, as Elsa began to swell with indignation. "I've been trying to treat Elsa with respect, and occasionally buy her apology chocolate. What are you trying to do? Earn the 'most-unhelpful-thing-ever-said' award?"

There was a moment of tension before Elsa's face broke into a tiny, amused smile. "Dammit," she muttered, looking at Akhir. "And I was trying to be mad at you."

Alniss' response was not so positive. "Do you have any idea the pain she put my sister through?!" she demanded of Akhir, enraged.

Carla winced, memories beginning to force its way into her consciousness: Silrin, dedicatedly cooking her favourite meal for her while Carla half-dozed in the back of her mind, waking up only to eat it; Silrin, playing back a pleasant memory in the detail only a Yeerk could, to soothe Carla to sleep after a nightmare; the stream of compliments Silrin had given throughout every day, that had slowly built up Carla's confidence, to the point where she felt like she was worth something. Yes, Alniss was right, Silrin had looked after her impeccably, and she was sure she would have done the same for Elsa, if only Elsa had let her. To have that thrown back in your face, time and time again, must have been incredibly painful.

"You're unbelievable," Kalran was saying heatedly to Alniss, once Carla had recovered enough to tune back into the conversation. "What about what Elsa went through? She lost everything: her privacy, her freedom, her voice... and you're complaining about... well, what exactly? Resisting all that?"

The tsumani of emotion Carla had momentarily been distracted from returned in full force at those words. "Stop it, Kalran." She hated how pleading her voice sounded, how pained, but she couldn't disguise it. "Please."

Kalran hesitated for a moment. "I'm sorry, Carla," she said eventually. "But you know I'm mainly here to help Elsa. I'm sure she doesn't want you to feel guilty, though, and neither do I. I..." she hung her head, and sighed. "This is too much pain, for all of you. I'm not worth you doing this."

"Yes you are," Carla said instantly.

Elsa nodded, reaching across hesitantly to touch Kalran's hand. "You're more than worth it," she agreed, her voice as soft as she could make it, though Carla could still hear the hard edge of her earlier anger underneath it. "And to demonstrate just how much I think you are worth, I'm going to choose to ignore her," she jerked her head at Alniss, "and let this go. I think that's something I'd _only_ be willing to do for someone like you."

Kalran looked up at her. "I'm supposed to be helping you," she murmured. "This is so much harder for you than it is for me."

"Is it?" Elsa raised an eyebrow. " _I_ can give myfriends and family a hug anytime I want, and talk to them without anyone looking over my shoulder. And that's thanks to _you._ " Elsa paused to let those words sink in, then continued. _"_ I want to help you have as much of that as possible, although I know there's always going to be someone listening in on your conversation with your mate. I can't change _that,_ but I reckon I can make it Carla or whoever rather than Andalite guards. And in the meantime, I can try and get them to let you do the touching thing. However weird it sounds."

There was a short silence. Elsa's words had brought Carla's memory back to her time at the Pool with Kalran, watching her friend futilely brush her hand across a computer terminal, watching Kalran bursting into tears as soon as she left the entrance. Her guilt shifted form to focus on the disastrous interview she and Jasmine had done, that had barely even managed to touch on Kalran's plight before Carla had run from the room. Suddenly, she wanted to try again, to do something that, this time, made it work better. Even if that meant putting herself at Elsa's mercy in front of a reporter who hated her guts.

Hesitating, she glanced across at Alniss, who was still struggling with the fury and pain on her face, staring at Elsa. Carla's stomach twisted in pain: how could she betray Alniss by working closely with Elsa? But if it helped poor Kalran, and poor, poor Oglud, how could she not?

"Alniss?" she asked, in little more than a whisper.

The Yeerk jerked her head, surprised perhaps by Carla's voice out of some memory, and turned to look at her. "Yes, honey?" Her voice strained to be calm, welcoming, and Carla appreciated the effort Alniss was taking to make her feel better.

"I- can I talk to you for a moment? Alone?"

* * *

 **A/N:** I have no experience of journalism, and not sure whether you even need people's consent to publish interview material about them, once they've already spoken to you in the interview. I tried to do some research online but it wasn't entirely clear and practice may differ from ethics anyway! So the paper here may well have been perfectly within their rights to publish the article without needing to apologise or do anything. If that's the case, I'm just going to chalk it up to Elsa a) not knowing that either, b) being irritatingly persistent and c) not being above playing on her involuntary host status to get people's sympathy when she really feels strongly about something. Corrections from any journalists welcome though!


End file.
